In the fog again
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I can relate. My alcoholic bf keeps saying he is going to get help , but instead he will "juice" for a week and say how healthy he is eating. Come the wknds he is a drunk mess. Last night he got so drunk he was throwing up. He actually said to me he wasn't drunk and that he wasn't throwing up because of drinking that he just wasn't feeling well!! Omg!!! It makes me want to tear my head off -the pure stupidity of it all. I told him today that I am removing myself from his life he can no longer rely on me to be his designated driver and cart his ass all over (since he doesn't drive anyway). I've tried to detach myself from him many times at the same time aways holding onto hope that he will get his life together while I'm drowning in misery over it and giving all my energy to him only. He has proved to me many times he doesn't care. And today he said to me " drinking is not a crime, what am I doing to you- I'm not hurting you". I was dumbfounded by this remark , it shows just how inconsiderate and selfish he really is. He is trying to justify living a life of getting so wasted to point of blacking out and throwing up. Anyway , there is absolutely NOTHING we can do for them when they are stuck in their self entitled toxic mentality. Being there for them means NOTHING. All we can do is step away from the hazardous lifestyle and take care of ourselves. It hurts like hell and is full on crippling depression. I keep telling myself I can't waste my life anymore on someone like this. Time goes by too fast and this is no way to live. I wish you well , you deserve better. You deserve someone who cares just as much as you care.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Amusic, that is very tough, sorry you are feeling so bad.
You are correct though, trying to change anyone is a waste of your time. If you choose to stay with someone you need to accept them the way they are, good bad and really bad! If you cannot, it is best to move on.
Having a relationship built on "hope" they will change will cause nothing but misery.
I hope you have support around you, you certainly have it here.
You are correct though, trying to change anyone is a waste of your time. If you choose to stay with someone you need to accept them the way they are, good bad and really bad! If you cannot, it is best to move on.
Having a relationship built on "hope" they will change will cause nothing but misery.
I hope you have support around you, you certainly have it here.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Excellent analogy Dandy! If you think of it that way, it makes perfect sense.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Surfbee…..here is something to think about...it pretty much applies to some of the stuff that comes out of the non-treated alcoholic's mouth....
Have you ever been around someone who is coming out from under anesthesia--almost awake, but, not completely--they say some of the most bizarre things you have ever heard....but, those of us taking care of them...and, sometimes, even their loved ones....we don't hold them, literally, accountable--we just remained lovingly detached...as we know that they are not under control of what they are saying--due to the chemicals still in their brain....
This might not be exactly the same thing...but parts of it are, I think....
th is is why one cannot ever take what an alcoholic says seriously....or, even one who has accommodated their thinking to the alcoholism....the only thing we can do is get enough distance to keep from being harmed....
Have you ever been around someone who is coming out from under anesthesia--almost awake, but, not completely--they say some of the most bizarre things you have ever heard....but, those of us taking care of them...and, sometimes, even their loved ones....we don't hold them, literally, accountable--we just remained lovingly detached...as we know that they are not under control of what they are saying--due to the chemicals still in their brain....
This might not be exactly the same thing...but parts of it are, I think....
th is is why one cannot ever take what an alcoholic says seriously....or, even one who has accommodated their thinking to the alcoholism....the only thing we can do is get enough distance to keep from being harmed....
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
I appreciate what everyone is saying......x
He's been awol since Friday... got one text from him last night... it was a "X" ...he only sent that because I asked him if he can let me know he's okay.
My brother in law said he saw him on sat on his way out to meet a friend so I'm guessing that was his drinking pal, and he went out on a bender.
I expected a relapse but not a shutdown of communication. I feel like I'm getting sucked right back into depression....lots of loud fearful thoughts running through my head....I meditated this morning to try and listen to my intuition....I'm pretty sure she said "Be free"..........
I started a 90 day yoga fix plan...today I'm on day two....lol... I want to do that, eat a healthy lunch.... do creative writing... then I'll meet my therapist this eve.
I should be feeling positive and fired up with excitement about my life ... not being fearful worrying about him !!! Time to say **** you! I'm putting every bit of my energy into me now. I've got an exciting film project i'm writing. And I need a strong mind for that in itself! So a strong mind and strong body is all I care about now. Everything and everyone else can **** right off!!
He's been awol since Friday... got one text from him last night... it was a "X" ...he only sent that because I asked him if he can let me know he's okay.
My brother in law said he saw him on sat on his way out to meet a friend so I'm guessing that was his drinking pal, and he went out on a bender.
I expected a relapse but not a shutdown of communication. I feel like I'm getting sucked right back into depression....lots of loud fearful thoughts running through my head....I meditated this morning to try and listen to my intuition....I'm pretty sure she said "Be free"..........
I started a 90 day yoga fix plan...today I'm on day two....lol... I want to do that, eat a healthy lunch.... do creative writing... then I'll meet my therapist this eve.
I should be feeling positive and fired up with excitement about my life ... not being fearful worrying about him !!! Time to say **** you! I'm putting every bit of my energy into me now. I've got an exciting film project i'm writing. And I need a strong mind for that in itself! So a strong mind and strong body is all I care about now. Everything and everyone else can **** right off!!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
No more will I allow these negative thoughts to strangle my confidence!!!
If I hear from him or don't hear from him, I'm not even going to care!!!!
My life was not made for drowning in other people's bull ****!!!!!
If I hear from him or don't hear from him, I'm not even going to care!!!!
My life was not made for drowning in other people's bull ****!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Well that's the truth!
You have a lot of great things going on, what the heck is he up to. That treatment is shoddy at best.
By the way, it's him, not you. Please keep that in mind. You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.
I think what seems to happen at this point (when boundaries are in place) is that when the alcoholic eventually tumbles off the wagon, they are in no position to let you know. He didn't give you a call and ask you if you wanted to go for 10 drinks and he didn't text you back saying i'm on drink number 12, can't type.
You've set a boundary. He is aware, you are aware. What can he do with that but avoid it? Well, technically he could just own up, but that isn't happening.
What you can do and what you are doing is focusing back on yourself. I'm so glad you took that break to work on focusing on what you need and want. It is a solid foundation for you. Doesn't mean you might not be hurt or angry or a myriad of things, it does mean you will get through this just fine.
What negative thoughts does this invoke for you (if you actually want to share that of course).
You have a lot of great things going on, what the heck is he up to. That treatment is shoddy at best.
By the way, it's him, not you. Please keep that in mind. You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.
I think what seems to happen at this point (when boundaries are in place) is that when the alcoholic eventually tumbles off the wagon, they are in no position to let you know. He didn't give you a call and ask you if you wanted to go for 10 drinks and he didn't text you back saying i'm on drink number 12, can't type.
You've set a boundary. He is aware, you are aware. What can he do with that but avoid it? Well, technically he could just own up, but that isn't happening.
What you can do and what you are doing is focusing back on yourself. I'm so glad you took that break to work on focusing on what you need and want. It is a solid foundation for you. Doesn't mean you might not be hurt or angry or a myriad of things, it does mean you will get through this just fine.
What negative thoughts does this invoke for you (if you actually want to share that of course).
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Hi Surfbee,
You seem to be fed up. And rightfully so. He's being really shady and there is no excuse for him just disappearing for a couple days and only texting you an "x".
Anger can be good. Anger can be motivate. Remember how you feel right now if he comes back and feeds you all that bull**** about getting help again. Also know that if you decide to leave the relationship, it will likely be very painful for a few weeks to months. Anger can mask grief. Once the anger fades, you will have to deal with the grief. That doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision.
--Liz
You seem to be fed up. And rightfully so. He's being really shady and there is no excuse for him just disappearing for a couple days and only texting you an "x".
Anger can be good. Anger can be motivate. Remember how you feel right now if he comes back and feeds you all that bull**** about getting help again. Also know that if you decide to leave the relationship, it will likely be very painful for a few weeks to months. Anger can mask grief. Once the anger fades, you will have to deal with the grief. That doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision.
--Liz
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Saw him last night... he was upset with me because I hadn't picked up on the fact that he was affected by the content of the show we were watching...and would not change it when he asked. The show had a scene where a mum was preventing the dad from seeing his children... so this had caused a real trigger in him. And so because I didn't change the channel when he asked - my reasoning was his abrupt tone ......but he took it as me not caring for his feelings... this is why he got pissed off, and left.
He didn't articulate any of this however - I had to read between the lines when I saw him last night - underneath all his huff and puff, and defensiveness - this is where the trigger was for him.
And so because I called him repeatedly after he finished work on Friday (panicking thinking he was off to the pub ) ...it snowballed into a weekend of silence... so last night ended on him angrily telling me that he doesn't think it's going to work out...it wasn't a definitive breaking up conversation but my heart sank.
I had chats with my sister and my friend afterwards... and as I was talking to them, I realised that looking back I recognise that I had, on some level, blocked out the pain I feel regarding him not seeing his girls..... for self-preservation.... after the way I got obsessed before trying to help him....,...but since getting back together, I hadn't asked him a single question about his impending court situation......
In an email today i explained that I think there were mistakes on both sides...i.e. silent treatment and judgment isn't going to be conducive in creating a calm atmosphere or logic... it only triggers panic and not thinking straight... but having slept on this, considering what he said last night, I could see the trigger that I missed, and apologised for being insensitive to that....
So that is where we're at...I think it's a positive step to recognise where I went wrong because in the heat of a moment, I do typically blame him - then I feel guilty afterwards - mostly because he goes cold on me which really triggers me - but in this case I see where we both went wrong... yes I did again immediately go into blame mode.... but i see that this isn't constructive , especially for me... i think that if we can both learn from it, and be mature enough , then we should be able to overcome it .... the ball is in his court !
He didn't articulate any of this however - I had to read between the lines when I saw him last night - underneath all his huff and puff, and defensiveness - this is where the trigger was for him.
And so because I called him repeatedly after he finished work on Friday (panicking thinking he was off to the pub ) ...it snowballed into a weekend of silence... so last night ended on him angrily telling me that he doesn't think it's going to work out...it wasn't a definitive breaking up conversation but my heart sank.
I had chats with my sister and my friend afterwards... and as I was talking to them, I realised that looking back I recognise that I had, on some level, blocked out the pain I feel regarding him not seeing his girls..... for self-preservation.... after the way I got obsessed before trying to help him....,...but since getting back together, I hadn't asked him a single question about his impending court situation......
In an email today i explained that I think there were mistakes on both sides...i.e. silent treatment and judgment isn't going to be conducive in creating a calm atmosphere or logic... it only triggers panic and not thinking straight... but having slept on this, considering what he said last night, I could see the trigger that I missed, and apologised for being insensitive to that....
So that is where we're at...I think it's a positive step to recognise where I went wrong because in the heat of a moment, I do typically blame him - then I feel guilty afterwards - mostly because he goes cold on me which really triggers me - but in this case I see where we both went wrong... yes I did again immediately go into blame mode.... but i see that this isn't constructive , especially for me... i think that if we can both learn from it, and be mature enough , then we should be able to overcome it .... the ball is in his court !
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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What's a yoga fix plan?
Surf, I'm going to be honest here.
I see a man behaving like a man-child and justifying rude, thoughtless behavior and even getting you to apologize for it.
Did he say he was sorry for storming off or vanishing for days and not answering your calls?
Drunks behave like entitled azzholes and expect those around to adopt and accommodate. Is this what you want with your precious life?
I know this because I was one and also dealt with one my whole life.
He isn't just going to grow up because you email him a logical, thoughtful analysis of the situation.
He may placate you to the next time, to the next drinking spree, but that's his truth right now--what does your gut say when you ask yourself where he really is emotionally?
Surf, I'm going to be honest here.
I see a man behaving like a man-child and justifying rude, thoughtless behavior and even getting you to apologize for it.
Did he say he was sorry for storming off or vanishing for days and not answering your calls?
Drunks behave like entitled azzholes and expect those around to adopt and accommodate. Is this what you want with your precious life?
I know this because I was one and also dealt with one my whole life.
He isn't just going to grow up because you email him a logical, thoughtful analysis of the situation.
He may placate you to the next time, to the next drinking spree, but that's his truth right now--what does your gut say when you ask yourself where he really is emotionally?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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So instead of sitting down and calmly telling you the show is triggering him, he stomps out and says it's not going to work out?? Do you want a relationship that you are forced to always read between the lines??
You don't have to answer, it's more a question for yourself.
You don't have to answer, it's more a question for yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Surfbee
Just talked to my mum and she was so angry telling me that I'm walking on egg shells with him...!! 
Am I being a fool?? Apologizing?? Is this gaslighting...?
Am I being a fool?? Apologizing?? Is this gaslighting...?
No way you need to subject herself to this Surf - why base an entire relationship on potential instead of reality?
If this is the best it ever gets, is it enough? This stuff sucks, I'm sorry.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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I just followed up the email to break up with him ! I finished it ....! I was terrified to do that....I'm still terrified ....but I knew it was the right thing to do. I'm so scared ! But I know I can't take this treatment anymore! I just can't!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
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That took a lot of courage, Surf!!! Do something nice for yourself today....get your nails done, rent a movie that you've been wanting to see....make yourself a steak dinner....SOMETHING. You deserve it!
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Surf...once it clicks in your head, it clicks. The thing is, you would never be happy with him again b/c you won't accept that treatment. Once it clicks, you cannot move backwards, only forwards. One step at a time friend.
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it was alien for me to send an email with "goodbye" in it and standing up for myself in that way to him... Email was short, calm, to the point.... It's like some other entity was writing it!
Of course now I'm already doubting myself, scared... The whole thing terrifies me. I will miss him.... i bloody love him... It's so ****! But I ended it knowing that truth... He doesn't care enough. If he did, he'd not treat me like that, and at the very least he'd apologise. Instead all i feel is his disdain towards me. It's not right. I pray for strength 🙏
Of course now I'm already doubting myself, scared... The whole thing terrifies me. I will miss him.... i bloody love him... It's so ****! But I ended it knowing that truth... He doesn't care enough. If he did, he'd not treat me like that, and at the very least he'd apologise. Instead all i feel is his disdain towards me. It's not right. I pray for strength 🙏
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
it was alien for me to send an email with "goodbye" in it and standing up for myself in that way to him... Email was short, calm, to the point.... It's like some other entity was writing it!
I think this last interaction with him was a good example of how he operates. He disappears for days then comes back without an apology but a complaint about a TV show you chose? Really? That is his excuse in his mind and addict thinking. He is far away from any kind of recovery at this point. His focus is alcohol, it is his first focus and everything else is secondary.
I understand the fear, that's very normal, of course, it was a big decision and one you have pondered for weeks/months, trust yourself.
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
That took a lot of courage, Surf!!! Do something nice for yourself today....get your nails done, rent a movie that you've been wanting to see....make yourself a steak dinner....SOMETHING. You deserve it!
I'm just back from my tuesday night life drawing class.... started off heavy and hollow constantly thinking of him...but eventually lost myself in the drawing and felt proud of myself for going ... haven't eaten anything for the last two days though, except a couple of bananas and raspberries :/ l....no appetite !
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Please don't forget HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness. These are all things that can potentially trip you up. You really do need to be very conscious of looking out for yourself right now and I hope you will be because you deserve it!
I know eating when you have no appetite is really hard but now is the time to eat whatever you can tempt yourself with, whether that is a milkshake, a smoothie a pizza or chips. Not eating is guaranteed to send your mood spiralling and I would hate to see that for you.
I'm glad to hear you went to your class. You do a lot of interesting things!
I know eating when you have no appetite is really hard but now is the time to eat whatever you can tempt yourself with, whether that is a milkshake, a smoothie a pizza or chips. Not eating is guaranteed to send your mood spiralling and I would hate to see that for you.
I'm glad to hear you went to your class. You do a lot of interesting things!
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