Valentia

Hello all. I've been doing lots of reading here and in the classic reading threads. I've been married to my AH for almost 20 years. We have 2 children, ages 18 and 15. My story and experience with him sounds so very familiar to many of yours. So, first off, thank you for sharing. Makes me feel less alone.

My AH and I met and bonded over alcohol. We went out and partied with our friends on the weekends. We were young and "having fun". I didn't notice or maybe didn't want to notice the red flags. My expectation was that we would both settle down as life progressed, we married and started a family. I was wrong. While pregnant and many times, when the kids were young, I asked him to stop drinking. He would maybe cut back for a week or 2, but he wouldn't stop. He was a good provider, I was a stay at home Mom, I was too tired to fight, so I let it go.

I realize now, that my Codependent behaviors kicked in...actually, they were always there. My Mom was also an alcoholic. She died 6 years ago from alcoholism.

My AH and I would go through waves. He'd drink heavily, I'd threaten to leave, he'd cut back for a while, etc, etc. You all know the drill. He was highly functioning. With me, being highly Codependent. He has an incredible mind for numbers and business deals. That's always astonished me. Anyway, 2 years ago, he had his first health scare. Had to be hospitalized for extremely high blood pressure...twice within a few days. He blamed the blood pressure on the amount of coffee he drank. Instead of scaring him, it seemed like that incident increased his alcohol consumption. We fought about his drinking, yet here I stayed!

He was back in the hospital with cellulitis this past August. He admitted his daily drinking to the staff, which they already knew because they had to provide thiamine and other nutrients via IV, before giving him 4 rounds of IV antibiotics. They talked to him about the possibility of alcohol withdrawal, gave him some anti anxiety meds, etc. By the timing of this hospitalization, I had read Codependent No More (a few times) and instead of fighting with him about his drinking, I started working on taking care of myself and beginning my own recovery.

After his release, and a follow up with our family Dr, AH stopped drinking. On his own. No discussion with me. He just stopped. Although he stopped drinking, he's not working a program. He thinks he can handle it himself. There's no AA, treatment plan or therapy in place. So....I realize that he's still in denial. And...instead of alcohol, he drinks non-alcoholic beer, tea, coffee like it's going out of style. Oh...and he's now into online shopping. I swear there's an Amazon delivery here every day. So, from what I've read, he'd be considered a Dry Drunk??

What's been everyone's experience with how long a Dry Drunk is able to remain in that stage? I think the longest he's been alcohol free in the past was about 4 months.

It's taken me a LONG time to realize that I need to move forward with my life, without AH. It's not healthy for me (or my kids) to remain in the marriage. I've been in denial and have been minimizing his behavior. I've been SO scared to take this step and to dissolve the marriage. This site and all of you have been giving me courage. I truly appreciate your sharing.

I consulted an attorney several months ago, so I know what to expect legally. I don't know what to expect from AH. Even though our relationship has been distant, he will most likely flip out. I plan to set a therapist appointment for myself this week and will check out Al Anon again. I went to a few meeting years ago, but didn't feel comfortable with the group.

Any words of wisdom you have are appreciated. Especially in initiating my conversation of...."I want to dissolve our marriage." Thank you!

dandylion

Hello, Valentia......I think you are doing a good job of preparing yourself.....by educating yourself, planning on therapist and alanon, and having already consulting an attorney.....
I think that the sentence...."I am going to initiate divorce", is a good starting point.
When you say that you expect him to "flip out".....exactly what do you expect?
Are you fearful that he will attempt to convince you otherwise, and you will not be able to convince him that it is a good idea? Are you wanting him to be in agreement with you? Are you afraid that he will make you the
"bad guy" Are you fearful that others may not think your reasons are good enough? Are you afraid that he will plead for "another chance" and make promises that you know that he can't/won't keep? Are you fearful of arguments with him?


lol...those are just some common things that lots of people are afraid of.....

P.S. I like your name...after I typed this response...I just drank a big glass of orange juice!

Valentia

Hi Dandylion! I'm glad you enjoyed my name and your orange juice, lol.

Yes! I'm afraid of ALL the things you described. I think that's why it's taken me SO long to take action. I've needed to work through my Codie guilt and mentally prepare (as much as I can do that!) I know he'll make me out to be "the bad guy" to our kids and extended family.

I know he'll shift all the blame to me, because in past discussions he's accused me of "throwing away" all the years we have together, if we split up. He's given me "everything". A nice home, never wanting for anything (materially)...but he forgets about me wanting a present and loving partner in my life. I know his disease kept him from recognizing my needs, my loneliness and isolation. I need and deserve more from life.

Is it scary at age 50 to be on my own? Absolutely!!! But when I think about staying, having both kids grow up and leaving home, I can't imagine living with AH and being fulfilled. Even if I have completed my own recovery. I know this disease progresses. I know he hasn't come close to hitting bottom. I know there's more suffering ahead. I don't want to be on the front lines for that suffering. I need to set my soul free!!

I'm sure he'll try to talk me out of it. Especially since he's been "doing so well" by not drinking since August. My challenge is to remain calm and stick to "this relationship isn't working for ME". And "I want a dissolution".

I know I have to "rip the bandaid off" and have the talk. Any advice on what's worked for those of you that initiated the divorce discussion?? Thanks for your support!

BlownOne

Sounds like you already have it pretty well in hand. Good luck to you! You can do it!

atalose

Welcome Valentia sorry for what has brought you here but glad you posted.

You don’t have to have this conversation with him today, tomorrow or even next week. How about you get some therapy under your belt first. Talk with your therapist about how you feel he might try and talk you out of dissolving your marriage, she may have some great ideas on how to work through that.

As far as how long can he remain in the dry drunk stage, it could be forever or it could be another few days, there is no way of ever knowing that.

dandylion

Valentia......that was exactly how it went for me when I divorced my children's father. The one thing that helped me keep my resolve was the knowledge that I would NEVER get to be myself and be completely happy as long as I was tied to him. Once I had come to that realization...there was no unknowing it. We had t still live together for three more months, before I could move out with the kids.....
During that time, he went through a kalediscope of different reactions (he was never violent). At first, he just smiled and said o.k., when I said that I am going to see a lawyer, in the morning to file. He never, in his wildest dreams thought I would do that. After I brought him separation papers to sign...then he gave the whole argument that I was ungrateful.."never satisfied"...and that he was completely happy with the marriage (but I wasn't!). Then he went through a stage of crying, and buying me presents...lol...he had never bought me a present, during the whole marriage! Then, he went through a stage of saying that I must be having an affair--because why would a woman walk our on a "perfectly happy marriage?"
He could never conceive that I might be unhappy and that my happiness could possibly be that important!
That was many years ago...the 3 kids were very small...one still in diapers. I am still so proud of my younger self that I, instinctively, knew that my soul and personal freedom was important enough to face anything that the future might bring....
My children are adults, now, and, I have never, ever doubted that my choice was the right one. Being single parent to three small children was not always easy---but I was happy and the children and I had sooo much fun! Fun that I could never have had, if I had stayed married.
To you, I say that no matter what anyone else might say...remember that they do not live in your skin...

mylifeismine

"because in past discussions he's accused me of "throwing away" all
the years we have together"

What about what he "threw away" by becoming an addict? I am
not suggesting to use this in an argument with him because it
is unproductive I believe. It is just a thought for you.

Gm0824

Hi Valentia and welcome. I understand the uncertainty of what you are currently feeling. I have always felt like the strong one is the person who is able to finally say, enough and leave an unhealthy relationship. My hats off for you as you continue processing your thoughts as you simultaneously circle your wagons.

trailmix

I never had a "discussion" as such. The words, I want a divorce, says it really.

If you feel you need to offer an explanation, I think you said it very well here: "I know his disease kept him from recognizing my needs, my loneliness and isolation. I need and deserve more from life"

The giving your everything and wasting the years arguments are just so much conversation filling babble. If you need an envelope and I give you a hammer, it is about as helpful as that statement.

As mentioned, no need to rush, you have time to get more comfortable with this idea, seek therapy before if you feel it will help, or if you are ready, just move forward.

Yes, it will be hard, yes it is scary but you can do this if it is what you want.

Valentia

Wow, dandylion! I think you were married to my AH! The reactions you're describing are what I'm anticipating from him.

I definitely know that I need to be strong. Not get into a debate. Just state what I want and then be quiet!! That's hard for me to do, but I've been contemplating this for so long. I want to remain as calm and level headed as possible.

I know so many of you have been where I am. I'm thankful for this site and for all its members. I've needed support. So happy I found some here!

Valentia

"You don’t have to have this conversation with him today, tomorrow or even next week. How about you get some therapy under your belt first. Talk with your therapist about how you feel he might try and talk you out of dissolving your marriage, she may have some great ideas on how to work through that. "


Yes! Excellent reminder. I've put off therapy, but it's definitely time. I've looked into a few therapists that specialize in addiction. I'll get myself scheduled tomorrow.