2018LizAnon

This weekend I ended up accomplishing a big goal that I had for myself for probably 10 years. I worked hard to achieve this and was really excited and proud of myself. My family was proud. I spent the day with them and also went to my best friend’s baby shower. All in all it was a great day. But Monday, I had a 6 hour drive back home, and I couldn’t help but feel depressed. Of course, I realize that sometimes after being on a sort of a high for a day, with all the nervous energy and excitement, that the next few days can be a letdown. Also leaving my family and heading home alone is always a bit sad.

But what kills me is that, if I’m being honest, I was mostly sad because I wanted to tell my ex about the weekend and I wanted him to be excited with me. I wanted to share this accomplishment with him. Why should I care what he thinks? Why should I need validation from him? I feel so pathetic. He didn’t care about my goals and accomplishments, and even cut them down, when we were together; why would I want to share this with him now? Why am I even thinking about him? Why do I want to have anything to do with someone who belittled pretty much everything I valued in my life in defense of his own addiction?

I’ve been making progress focusing on my own goals and interests, and making a conscious effort to identify and seek out positive, healthy relationships, but this part of me that is still on some level missing something about my ex is baffling. I’m frustrated that I still have to sometimes talk myself out of these feelings. It’s not love. It just feels like a black hole that I have to keep reminding myself to stay clear of, and pull myself back from the edge. Has anyone felt like this? How do you make these feelings disappear for good?

biminiblue

When I went to buy my home I was about a month into looking at places when I suddenly hit an emotional wall. I was furious and hurt and felt betrayed all over again that my ex husband was not going to be buying and living there with me.

It is like a death over and over. Grief is weird. We had been divorced longer than we were together at that point, but it was a big life event I was sad about doing alone. That was not part of my life plan. I had literally never pictured my life unfolding in that way.

((hug))

trailmix

Because you always looked to him for validation when you were with him?

Because you aren't validating this accomplishment yourself?

Mango212

Has anyone felt like this? How do you make these feelings disappear for good?


Yes.

Acknowledged the feelings, allowing them to be recognized and felt. Not lingering on them. Learning mindfulness and meditation helps. Then quickly moving ahead with the next right action. Maybe posting here, as you did. A cup of hot tea. Making plans to make an appointment of any kind. Something that keeps me moving forward with a positive momentum in this this new, good, healthy direction.

Allowing more good new interests and projects in our lives naturally transforms everything.

Mango212

This weekend I ended up accomplishing a big goal that I had for myself for probably 10 years.


This deserves a very special celebration!!!

Leelee168

Liz, Yep, still feel that way sometimes and I, too, wish I could make it stop. I do really well for a while and then feel like I backslide. I get angry with myself that I still care about him on some level; he's a person and he's a screwed up one at that, but we still shared a lot of life in six years. I try and reckon that I'm a good person and that's why I care about him still--because I recognize the humanity in him. I don't necessarily want him in my house, and as Taylor Swift sings, "We are never, ever, ever getting back together." But still, there was a time that I looked forward to telling him things and seeing his face. "The black hole" is a good description for what I feel; it's kind of hollow. I hope that the feelings go away for you soon.

2018LizAnon

Yeah, I think this is exactly what I'm feeling.

atalose

Maybe it’s not about missing the ex as much as it is about missing having someone special to share your life with.

Mango212

Liz,

How are you doing? Thinking of this thread today and the allowing of achievments to be greatly celebrated.

2018LizAnon

Hi Mango!

Thank you for asking. I'm doing much better. The advice here helped a lot! So thank you! I tried to deliberately examine what I was feeling, and I realized it just comes down to loneliness, and wanting to have somebody to share life events with. I wasn't really missing my ex per se, just that feeling of having a partner to share things with. Loneliness sucks, but I'm trying to think of it as just "the in-between" and a much-needed time to build up my own self-esteem so I don't fall into the same trap with my next relationship. I sat on my hands (lol) for a day or two to stop from contacting my ex, and now I feel much better!

--Liz