Relationships Question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I was speaking with my sponsor last night and he straightened me out with a question. I`'ll give a little context first.
My youngest child has a learning disability that you could probably characterize as moderately severe. It is more difficult to parent him than my daughter. He can`t help it, but it can be frustrating to communicate with him. I do my best, but it is all around a difficult situation.
My sponsor mentioned that my son could always live somewhere else (ie an institution) if I was truly overwhelmed. I guess that put things in perspective. That is an option I could never choose. I wouldn`t be able to live with the guilt of that. A vision in my mind of him in an institution looking for me and being scared and confused hit me hard. When I thought about that I realized that I will just have to find a way to make things work no matter how difficult. My daughter will probably grow up and move on one day. My son will always be with me under my care.
When I have trouble with the children I definitely feel my resentment towards my ex. I am obligated to take care of them by myself because she is an utter failure of a mother. She gets to see them for visits and have play time. She never has to get up with them at night or to miss work when one of them is sick. If, God forbid, my children show up to a visit with a stain on their shirt I get a visit from CPS the next day. It is tough for me to move past it when I am reminded of it so often. It seems like she is getting one over on me again and again and again and again. I have no recourse so I am just going to have to learn to live with it I guess.
My youngest child has a learning disability that you could probably characterize as moderately severe. It is more difficult to parent him than my daughter. He can`t help it, but it can be frustrating to communicate with him. I do my best, but it is all around a difficult situation.
My sponsor mentioned that my son could always live somewhere else (ie an institution) if I was truly overwhelmed. I guess that put things in perspective. That is an option I could never choose. I wouldn`t be able to live with the guilt of that. A vision in my mind of him in an institution looking for me and being scared and confused hit me hard. When I thought about that I realized that I will just have to find a way to make things work no matter how difficult. My daughter will probably grow up and move on one day. My son will always be with me under my care.
When I have trouble with the children I definitely feel my resentment towards my ex. I am obligated to take care of them by myself because she is an utter failure of a mother. She gets to see them for visits and have play time. She never has to get up with them at night or to miss work when one of them is sick. If, God forbid, my children show up to a visit with a stain on their shirt I get a visit from CPS the next day. It is tough for me to move past it when I am reminded of it so often. It seems like she is getting one over on me again and again and again and again. I have no recourse so I am just going to have to learn to live with it I guess.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It definitely takes some acceptance. While my children don't have a LD, they do have some issues. For a very long time I had major resentment that I do this, and I do it, alone. I still do carry that resentment sometimes. However, I also have put it in perspective. I give 110% to my kids. I ALWAYS will. They know they have me. They know, and I know. It will be ok.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Hopeful - I agree. I haven't accepted everything yet. I am not sure if I ever will. It seems like letting go of my anger would be condoning the situation in a way. I am just not there yet I guess.
Gilmer - you must have skipped over the first couple pages of this thread...lol. It is a far cry from being anything good.
The book (Codependency No More) finally got here today. I read through the first few chapters and I had a lot of '2's on the section where you identify with certain tendencies. I can say that I had severe codependence tendencies when I was living with my ex. I'll spare everyone the details on what it was like living with her. It is in past now anyway. I don't have to live like that any more.
As of today, most of the tendencies aren't as prounounced, and many have been eliminated. My days of allowing myself to be taken advantage of are over. When I think back to the past I know deep down that I would never tolerate those things today. There isn't a doubt in my mind about that. My current strategy of being a mean, bitter person is making me miserable inside though.
I hope I can find a way to care about people again without getting burned again. Maybe the book will have some tips.
It seems like codependency is much more subjective than addiction is. I am going to keep reading and keeping an open mind.
Gilmer - you must have skipped over the first couple pages of this thread...lol. It is a far cry from being anything good.
The book (Codependency No More) finally got here today. I read through the first few chapters and I had a lot of '2's on the section where you identify with certain tendencies. I can say that I had severe codependence tendencies when I was living with my ex. I'll spare everyone the details on what it was like living with her. It is in past now anyway. I don't have to live like that any more.
As of today, most of the tendencies aren't as prounounced, and many have been eliminated. My days of allowing myself to be taken advantage of are over. When I think back to the past I know deep down that I would never tolerate those things today. There isn't a doubt in my mind about that. My current strategy of being a mean, bitter person is making me miserable inside though.
I hope I can find a way to care about people again without getting burned again. Maybe the book will have some tips.
It seems like codependency is much more subjective than addiction is. I am going to keep reading and keeping an open mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I am almost done with the 'Codependency No More'. It has been eye opening. I am resistant to labeling myself as a 'codie', but I identify with the vast majority of things in the book. I wish I had read it a couple years ago.
It has been a tremendous relief for me to read it. My anger has subsided tremendously. I guess it feels like someone actually understands my deep-rooted problems. My codependency tendencies started when I was very young. It was definitely before the addiction came into the picture.
AA always caused an internal strain for me because I never identified with the core tenet that I was a selfish/self-centered person to the core. I spoke up a few times at meetings about this, but I got an overwhelmingly negative response. Basically, it seemed like people were saying that I had everything coming. If I questioned that I was told that I was in denial or that I must have done something to provoke them. The fact that there are other people that were alcoholic and codependent makes me feel included.
I am going to work some self care things into my Step 10 work. I already had people pleasing and failing to stick up for myself on my daily watchlist. Maybe one day I won't have to keep myself so guarded around other people in general and women especially. For the time being, my number one priority is to protect myself though. So it is what it is.
It has been a tremendous relief for me to read it. My anger has subsided tremendously. I guess it feels like someone actually understands my deep-rooted problems. My codependency tendencies started when I was very young. It was definitely before the addiction came into the picture.
AA always caused an internal strain for me because I never identified with the core tenet that I was a selfish/self-centered person to the core. I spoke up a few times at meetings about this, but I got an overwhelmingly negative response. Basically, it seemed like people were saying that I had everything coming. If I questioned that I was told that I was in denial or that I must have done something to provoke them. The fact that there are other people that were alcoholic and codependent makes me feel included.
I am going to work some self care things into my Step 10 work. I already had people pleasing and failing to stick up for myself on my daily watchlist. Maybe one day I won't have to keep myself so guarded around other people in general and women especially. For the time being, my number one priority is to protect myself though. So it is what it is.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
So it is what it is.
No need to label, you're right, glad you found the book helpful.
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