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I don't know what to do, please help

Old 10-07-2018, 11:33 AM
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I don't know what to do, please help

I haven't been around in awhile. I finally got a job after graduating for a new career at age 45. Today I smelled the reek of alcohol and my husband lied and lied, 5 times at least. I sat by him in church, caught a whiff, and left, leaving him and our son while I waited in the car. He finally fessed up once we got home and our son went next door.

I left town Friday night and came back Sat. at 1 pm. He says he drank last night, while I was here, but I feel he may have been drinking before I got home. He graduated from beer to a bottle of whiskey "since it's easier than several bottles". He says he was embarrassed and that's why he lied.

He did intensive outpatient and had 100 days sober. I told him to call his sponsor, and that one of us needs to leave, because I can't trust him and I don't want to be a leg in the table that is this system. Our son will be crushed. I feel it would help in the long run to separate, but am afraid because maybe I should try to help him through this, it's his first relapse. I'm heartbroken, and my new job is an hour each way, sometimes I'm gone 7-7pm (3 days per week), so I prob would have to find a different job. This sucks so bad.
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Old 10-07-2018, 11:39 AM
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Clarity, I am so sorry for your pain and feelings of betrayal. I think you would be wise to focus on you and your son and not worry about "trying to help him through this." He has people in AA and presumably from his outpatient treatment who are WAY more qualified to help him than you are. If you really could "help him through this", wouldn't it have happened before? And did it?

Take some time to settle down, breathe, say the Serenity Prayer. And once you're calmer, try to think as rationally as you can about your options and what is best for you and your son. Do you have f2f support for yourself, like Alanon? That could be very helpful to you right now also.

I'm glad you're finished w/school for your new career; hopefully knowing that you are able to get a good job will help with the financial concerns you may have.
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Old 10-07-2018, 11:46 AM
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While I know because you love him your first reaction is to help him thru this, the reality is that you can't help him thru this. Recovery is something he has to choose for him regardless of any circumstances in his life. You're being there to "help him thru this" will make no difference pro or con. Honey is right. Focus on yourself and your son. That's where your priority should lie. Your husbands recovery or lack thereof is his to deal with, good or bad.
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Old 10-07-2018, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by clarity888 View Post
I feel it would help in the long run to separate, but am afraid because maybe I should try to help him through this, it's his first relapse.
Hi Clarity

What exactly are you afraid of? Are you afraid that not being there to "support" him will have him spiraling off back in to drinking full time?

honeypig makes that very important point. If you could help him, would it not already have helped? This is NO reflection on you by the way, this is just the way it is with addiction. He needs to want to not drink, that's it. Right now, he wants to drink. He needs professional help, if he chooses that.

Please don't take this on yourself.

As for your Son, I say he would be more crushed if Dad was drunk all the time and he has to witness it, so if you do separate just remember you are protecting him and that is what you need to do (as I know you already know). It's not easy.
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Old 10-07-2018, 12:47 PM
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Oh. Itís heart breaking. You are working so hard to get yourself into a position of strength and control. This set back is not what you need. Perhaps itís useful to see it as warning sign to keep gaining more control of your and your sonís peace of mind. Keep calm and donít let him manipulate you. His embarrassment is not enough. Big hug.
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Old 10-07-2018, 01:29 PM
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Clarity.....try to remember that his actions of drinking and lying don't have anything to do with you. He is not drinking "at" you...or lying to deliberately hurt you (although it does)…..It is not personally aimed at you. Alcoholics drink alcohol...and, they all lie about it. It is to protect their ability to drink...of which they have overwhelming compulsion to do. Remember that they lie to themselves, too--as a part of their denial.
Denial of their disease and the seriousness of it is a major feature of the disease of alcoholism.
I reviewed your older threads, and it looks, to me, like he still has several layers of denial...,,still.

Who knows how long it might take him to face the reality of his disease. Most alcoholics fight the reality for a long time.


It is important for you to understand the 3 Cs.

You didn't Cause it...You can't Cure it...and, you can't Control it....

You, also, can't help and support him through this....lol...and, he will probably ask you to do so. Any help that you offer...other than not being obstructive...will probably fall into the category of enabling......and, it will probably allow him to avoid the help of professionals and AA....which he seems to, already, be resisting.....
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Old 10-07-2018, 01:34 PM
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Clarrity….we have an extensive library, here on SR....about 100 articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...I hope you have been reading them. Do you know where to find them?
There is one article , in particular, that I think might be of help, to you, right now....
Here is the link....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Old 10-07-2018, 03:12 PM
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So...I knew taking this job was probably a temporary stepping stone to gain some experience. You see, at first I was told it was 30-35 hours per week, with 2 days of 9 or 10 hours split b/w two facilities and even more driving, and 3 days of just one facility w/just the hour there and back. Well, now they've made clear it's 3 days per week of the two facilities. This is due to it being a rural area, and lacking coverage. It paid well enough for 30 hours to get me by (the hour each way made 6 hours a day ideal). Now, I feel I HAVE to tell them I can't do the extra 3rd travel day. I want to tell them why. I can't be gone that much wondering what's happening in my home, leaving AH to do as he has before. Shouldn't I just tell them I can do either the original 2 days of travel, or maybe just the one facility at 30 hours, due to my spouse having medical issues? I don't want to cover up the seriousness of the "why"--I don't want to hide the seriousness that my son needs me around right now. Would you guys tell them about the alcohol issue? Has anyone ever done that w/an employer?
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Old 10-07-2018, 03:25 PM
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I would state what I'm able to work, just the facts of the job expectations and that you're not able to do the extra work anymore.

Standing up for yourself is a kindness. The employer doesn't need the details. "No." can be a complete sentence.

----
I've been through the gambit of keeping things secret, oversharing and now I think it's balancing out! Keeping secrets was most damaging for me. Finding appropriate places to share is important. Sometimes it can be in the workplace, yet often that can backfire by giving the impression that the employee is weak/not dependable/not worthy of raises/extra benefits. Just my experience. YMMV.

When I've needed to have time or an allowance made because of my child needing me as the result of an alcoholic catastrophe, I've been very to the point in saying what I need and what's going on, and there has been good support with that.

Stating you are able to work X days is fine.
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Old 10-07-2018, 03:45 PM
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One benefit of not giving details is it could be easier to change your mind if you wind up wanting more days in the future.

Having stability doesn't mean staying at home with an active alcoholic. Other things start coming together, like childcare/school stuff/work, as we step into new ways of putting the emotional and psychological needs of ourselves and our children first. (((hugs)))
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Old 10-07-2018, 08:39 PM
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I wouldn't mention the alcohol issue. When sharing with someone you don't know on a personal basis you have no idea what their biases are. Your employer might be hugely empathetic to your situation. On the flip-side maybe their spouse is an alcoholic or their ex-spouse or one or both parents and they hold a lot of anger about it. Maybe they think alcoholics are - who knows what and would question why you hooked up with one, perhaps they don't understand alcoholism at all (lots of people don't and why would they?)

Now, of course I'm not saying any of the above is true, just that you don't know what their history is at all so you are just putting yourself at risk for no reason.

I would just explain that you really need to stick with XYZ schedule if at all possible, as you originally agreed to, as you do have a child (which I'm sure they are aware of). If pressed, then I you might mention there are medical reasons with relation to your spouse that you need to be at home at the times planned.
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Old 10-07-2018, 09:13 PM
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Thank you all for helping me. I don't know what I would do without you. Tonight we were talking and I told him again that the dishonesty and lack of trust is the hardest part. Somehow, the conversation we'd had last night (while he was intoxicated, which I suspected) came up. It was a conversation about sexual assault w/everything going on in the Supreme Court. Long story short, tonight he told me he was raped as a young man. He had told me about other abuse that happened when he was very young, but I had no clue about this. He also said his brain did a good job of keeping that put away for a long time. Note, he bought the fifth of whiskey before he even went into his remembrance of that incident 25 years ago. I asked him to promise me this week he will return to the M.D. who has him on Vivitrol or whatever it is, because I do believe he is and has been depressed, def. low self esteem, for years and years. I want to stay on my side of the street. But this shatters me. Thank you for listening. I am praying that this is the "more will be revealed", in a positive way. Am also horrified and upset and want to find the person who did that to him. What a f-ing mess. The conversation went from "can you go stay with your parents this week" to a hug and a promise to seek more help.
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Old 10-07-2018, 09:21 PM
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This is sad and terrible for your husband. I'm sorry he had to experience it.
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Old 10-07-2018, 11:15 PM
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Traumatic amnesia is difficult to deal with and I really encourage you and him to seek out additional counseling with someone who has experience with these kind of issues.

Reiki has helped me through some intense pain and memories that I didn't know I had. This has been combined with several different specialties (therapy, art therapy, physical therapist to help address releasing trauma/memories, etc.).

Pray, follow, one day at a time.
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Old 10-08-2018, 10:28 AM
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Clarity.....I think that it is an important thing that your husband was able to talk to you about his sexual abuse. It is more common than most people think.....and, men are, generally, very loath to tell anyone about it...ever. Even those who will admit to physical abuse, will often omit the sexual abuse that they have suffered....not even to their wives or partners.
Largely, I think, because of the negative stereotypes that surround a person's masculinity. They will, often, not reveal it to their therapists....either because the therapist never asked, directly, or, because their "shame" is just too great.
I think that it is so important...I would go so far as to say essential, that these men get support from other men and organizations that exist for this very reason....
One such organization...and, I think, one of the most well known....is RAINN....
The following is a link to their website....

https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexua...t-men-and-boys

Clarity...I will share, with you, one such example of what I am talking about....
My husband had a good friend, from our community, the we hung out with, a lot...
One evening, he had dinner at our house, and my husband had to go to bed, early, because he had a very early work appointment, the next day. Our friend, (that I will call "John") and, I, sat in our kitchen..just talking and laughing...
somehow, we began talking about our childhoods...and, John began to tell me that he was sexually abused by a family member, as a child....dissolving into sobbing tears as he talked about it. I asked him if he had ever told anyone else about this...and he said that he hadn't.

It happens that John had recently began living with a woman who was also known to me and my husband. I asked him if he had ever talked to her about his childhood...and, he said that he hadn't. I was somewhat taken back, by this....I asked him why he was living with someone who he had shared less, about himself, than me...!? He said that he was afraid that she would look at him in a different way--"think less of me". Needless to say--I tried to encourage him to find a male therapist that he could talk to about this aspect of his life....I will never know if he ever did...I never brought the subject up to him, again, and, he never mentioned it. The couple moved away to another city, shortly later, for work reasons. I heard through the grapevine, later, that they had broken up....

His story has always stayed in my mind....

I think it is a common story...
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Old 10-08-2018, 11:46 AM
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You have received a lot of good feedback Clarity, I just want to let you know I am here, supporting you. This is no race, you don't have to decide anything TODAY. I would make arrangements for your son not to be w/him alone however.

Big hugs!
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Old 10-08-2018, 08:43 PM
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Things I am thankful for (people):

Honeypig. Blownone. Trailmix. Zuk. Dandylion. Mango. Sasha. Hopeful.

Thank you for understanding and listening to me. I don't have a way for face-to-face right now (time issue), and your cyber hugs and ESH have helped me get through these past two days. Thanks for "getting" the pain and reminding me that this has been a layer of his denial, and at the same time, saying it's important that he did at least tell me. One. Moment. At. A. Time. You are all so wise, and I need it so much, and am so grateful every time I see your names on my screen. I am here supporting you too; I will try to pour back in as much as you've taken the time for me. It's scary going to such low "places", but you're keeping me from freaking out and deciding NOW (which really can never be done). HUGS
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