Sasha1972

Yes, a few SoberLink failures ago, he claimed his asthma medication caused a false positive and attached links to research he said would prove that asthma inhalers interfere with breathalyzers. I read the study in detail - what it found was that inhalers can cause a temporary elevation in BAC but in all cases BAC falls to zero in ten minutes after exposure. The study was done for the London Metropolitan Police to inform their practice with roadside stops - the upshot was if someone blows positive and says they've been using asthma meds, wait ten minutes and test again. The authors said explicitly that any elevated BAC after ten minutes should be treated as evidence of drinking alcohol.

He had elevated BAC (on that occasion) for at least an hour.

He has always thought he was the smartest person in the room and that he could match wits with any "experts". He was genuinely very smart. But I think the lights are blinking out.

Sasha1972

I think Kid is in a bind - she loves her father, and he is usually on his best behavior when she is around. He has also told her that it helps him not to drink when she's around and he gets really sad when he doesn't see her (and we know what happens when dad is sad ...). She is being actively co-opted into caretaking and overfunctioning in his alcoholic victimhood. She also has to handle the cognitive discrepancy between what he says about me - "your mother is vindictive, dishonest, doesn't care about you, is just trying to get revenge on me etc" - and what she experiences living with me. I feel really badly for her. What I can do is to set reasonable limits on her exposure to her father, based on his SoberLink compliance, and try to take the high road.

trailmix

Ugh. I don't have to tell you how awful this is, I know you know but just reading it, I actually did say "Ugh" out loud!

The high road is admirable of you and I don't disagree in general. As I mentioned before, please be careful not to throw yourself under the bus in doing so.

My personal opinion, having had a Father that never had recovery. is that in this type of situation it's not a great idea to handle it with kid gloves. It has to be crystal clear to your Daughter what the play in interactions is here.

Here is why I think I know this.

First of all, she isn't old enough to probably realize how manipulative he is being. Sad Dad is the Dad she knows, this is her normal, pooooor Dad.

Well you know, I have some compassion for him too, as I did for my own Father, but that does not mean that feeling guilty and like you have to go out of your way to look after them is a great thing. This sets her up for being codependent as an adult.

How it turns out (in my opinion): Eventually she will come to resent him, although that doesn't seem possible right now probably. I remember looking at some old xmas cards or birthday cards I had given my Dad and thinking, did I really send those nice cards? That seems harsh even to me but the idea that I actually cared like that seemed very foreign at that point.

Speaking of points! My point is, I think? you are trying to make sure that you are absolutely balancing and being fair with their relationship and their time spent together? It's not going to work. You are wasting your time and energy trying to be "fair". You are doing all this juggling at your own expense. While that is noble, it's not going to work in the long run and all you will have done is made yourself look like the bad guy.

Time to take a harder line I think?

My Mother was very clear about my Father (eventually there was hate), as we were growing up. While that probably seems harsh to some, it left no room for pondering poor Dad, he was who he was. Good and bad, but there was no wondering if we should be enabling him, at all.

Sorry for the rambling, hope some of this is useful.

trailmix

Also Sasha, I just wanted to mention that I know I have repeated myself.

I won't mention it again, I am just concerned for you, but still no need to repeat myself. I do respect your right to handle this any way you see fit you know and I hope my responses don't appear to imply otherwise.

You are a great Mom! I hope you know that.

PuzzledHeart

That really is so manipulative it's just making my blood boil. And for a father to place the success of his "recovery" squarely on the shoulders of a girl who is barely a teenager is just so utterly irresponsible it's mind-boggling. She's not a professional therapist. Has she even graduated middle school?

I do hope her therapist is aware of this, and I hope you are taking care of yourself.

hopeful4

I feel for your DD. My kids have to go through this as well. One other thing you can do is get a good counselor for her that makes her see she does not and should not fall into that type of codependency nor be manipulated by her father. That's VERY important. She must learn to speak her own mind and not feel she is parenting her parent. I have to say this has been one of the most important things I ever did for my children. If you don't have the right counselor, keep looking until you find one that can help her with this.

MCESaint

I think the story of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde is relatable to a teenager. When Dad doesn't drink, he's Dr. Jekyl . . . basically good, but he battles a demon. Whether he successfully battles that demon has NOTHING to do with your daughter, the color of the sky, who is in the WH or anything. It's all INTERNAL to Dr. Jekyl. When Dad drinks he becomes Mr. Hyde - a terrible brute. Your job (as her parent) is to protect her from Mr. Hyde. Just as it is to protect her from a roomful of cobras or having a hornets nest fall on her head. The rule about Soberlink exists there to protect HER (not to punish dad) from Mr. Hyde.

Hope this helps. If not, well - it was free, right??

MCE Saint

Sasha1972

She's seeing a good counsellor and I know she understands, intellectually at least, that she isn't responsible for her father's condition. From her point of view, however, I can see how it could look like she has the power to make him stop drinking, because when she sees him, he's sober and glad to see her (he's sober because of SoberLink and other measures I put in place to attempt to keep her away from him when he's drunk - and without SoberLink I couldn't rely on him to not drink when she's around - but all Kid sees is "Dad's sober when I see him and he says it's because he's happy to see me!").

I try to be matter-of-fact and undramatic about it - "Okay, we'll go over to your Dad's in ten minutes, just waiting for the SoberLink report" - but also don't want to normalize the abnormal.

Trailmix, I completely get your point, and only time will tell whether I've done the right thing in trying to preserve her relationship with her father. Part of why I do it is because I'm not sure how much time he's got left - he's been deteriorating over the past months and is set up for another stroke or head injury to take him out entirely, and/or become homeless.

I also think (hope?) that the realization that her father is a disaster will be stronger if it comes from her own observation rather than from anyone telling her - she is VERY resistant to being told what to think, part of the adolescent independence drive.

So the balancing act is to enable her to have time with her father so that she can have something resembling a relationship and also form her own understanding of what he is ... while at the same time not putting her in harm's way because he can't be trusted to stay sober and not crazy.

hopeful4

I totally get it. Believe me, she knows her dad is not normal. For every one of her friends who has a normal dad, she is comparing. It's human nature to do so.

I think I would have a talk w/ counselor about what preprations she can do mentally for when dad does completely spiral and becomes homeless, etc. She will likely feel very responsible to try and get him help, and will be looking to you to participate in doing so, which of course is not your role. It could get very sticky.

Still and always sending you huge hugs from one momma to another!