Scum
 

For the second time in the past month, AXBF posted a picture of our 18-month-old daughter on Facebook, pretending like he is some great father when he hasn't seen her in over a year. The even scummier part of it is our daughter's picture is posted alongside some other woman's baby's picture with the caption "my girls."

The back story is that he has supervised visitation only, and he has never used it, citing money problems and difficulties figuring out the system as reasons. *insert eye roll* His mother visits our daughter, and occasionally I text her pictures. This is, apparently, where he is getting the pictures that he posts. All of this is not to mention that we had an agreement shortly after our daughter was born that we wouldn't post ANY pictures of her on social media.

So here is where I'm at...

I want to shame him. Publicly. I want all those morons who keep liking this post to know that he is a fraud, that he is using our daughter to make himself seem like a good person. Using our daughter!!! It just makes my skin crawl. Is there is any legal recourse for something like this? When there is a restraining order in place or otherwise? Our court date for child support is next week, which is probably why he is acting out. I know none of this probably matters, and I probably can't contact him directly due to the restraining order anyway.

I'm also very upset with his mother, who surely sees these fraudulent posts on his Facebook page. She is supposed to come for a visit this afternoon, but I feel much to angry to see her right now. I don't even know how to articulate to her what I'm feeling. I want to tell her that I'm not going to text her any more pictures of her granddaughter.

And yes, I know you are all going to point out that I shouldn't be checking up on him on Facebook, and I'm not. I don't even have a Facebook page. My BFF is the one who forwards this stuff to me, and I would want her to stop, but she is the reason I found out he violated the restraining order last year. She just wants to make sure that the pictures he posts are taken by me and not by him, that he hasn't violated it again.

He must be stopped.

What a sad little person it is who resorts to presenting a fake life on social media so he doesn't have to face his own shortcomings as a parent, partner, or person.

I know how tempting it is to want to throw your anger and frustration at everyone, and I'm not going to tell you not to if that's what you feel you must--but I will point out that someone who doesn't feel ashamed to pull such nonsense in the first place isn't going to be shamed by having it pointed out. He's just going to use it to make himself look like a victim. He's baiting you.

While he certainly deserves to be shamed for neglecting his daughter, I am going to suggest you do not respond. We cannot control what others say and do ,but we certainly can control our actions and responses. You know the absolute truth, there is zero need to engage in his nonsense.

Sparkle is correct, he is baiting you, and he wants to engage, he is not worthy of your attention.

Certainly his mother know the truth about her son. Unfortunately she is no longer responsible for his actions , he is an adult. If you choose to have a conversation with her, I hope it is a conversation that would offer a positive solution, no need to point out what a POS he is, that is already a given.

Peace.

Hi SaveHer,

1. My alcoholic husband has feelings for his family, even when lost in this disease. There are lies everyday, everywhere, that the disease tells him and everyone around him. Sometimes this might take the form of everyone being against him, or it may show up in ways of "looking" or "wanting" to be more connected, comfortable and loving than he is able to be when in active addiction.

Many people on social media do the same thing in different ways. No shame here, imo. Human does not mean mistake-free. Alcoholism inlvolves many lapses in mental acuity.

2. I've stepped away from sending digital photos. I take some for my own enjoyment, at random times. They upload to my online photo storage, that I also don't share. Yet I do share them in different ways, as my gut instinct suddenly inspires me to. Printed photos, photo gifts or other ways to use them. I occasionally skim back through them to enjoy or weed out what I don't want.

There are several reasons this came about and many benefits I've found along the way.

3. Having an alcoholic parent who stays away from interacting with children can be healthier for the children than being caught up in the chaos.

4. Do you have support through Celebrate Recovery, Alanon or therapy that is based in family recovery from addictions? We can't change other people and what they do. The more we find that's in our control and are able to focus on that, the greater peace and fun the remaining family unit is able to find.

let it go. it's Facebook. it's not like the WORLD is hanging on his every update. as long as the photo is in no way inappropriate or vulgar, he is FREE to post whatever he wants about his life on social media.

it means nothing more than the power YOU give it over your own life.

if you wish to cease sending pics to his mom, that is understandable. but you can't CHANGE them.

please do not get down in the dirt and attempt to cause him any "harm" virtual or otherwise. ignore it. have your friend stop feeding you info....yes, you managed to find ONE instance where he violated something - and that was months ago. you have a restraining order in place.

put a huge imaginary wall between you and him. relegate him to not significant enough to warrant three seconds of your time, energy or brain space. rise above.

If there is a legal agreement between the two of you to not share pictures of your daughter on social media, then by all means, let the proper authorities know. If it was simply a verbal agreement, then there is nothing you can do.

As much as I feel where you are coming from, I will have to agree with the others and say "don't do it". It may give you pleasure for a second, but it will, in the end, make you look immature and vindictive. Take the high road. Write down what you would say if you were to publicly humiliate him and then tear the paper up....or something along the lines of that. Get it out and let it go.

I agree - the only way to handle this is to refuse to engage in it at all.

I know how tempting it is to go "scorched earth" on this but in the end you'll likely make yourself look like the out-of-control person with issues, not him. You're 18 months into an 18+ year relationship with him as co-parent - is this how you want it to go? Is this a hill you're willing to die on?

He'll eventually hang himself with his own noose if you just let it play out without interfering - people who's opinions matter will catch onto the truths & that's what counts.

I realize that none of that takes away your anger or hurt, but neither will acting on the impulses you're having right now.
:grouphug:

SaveHer…..What makes you think that his mother can control him....any more than you can?
LOL...when your have an adult child, you will find out that trying to control their actions...especially if they don't want you to....is a fool's errand.
Sure, parents of adult children can have an opinion, but they don't get a vote...

Lol...furthermore...I'll bet he might be trying to impress another woman (maybe the mother of the other baby)….When a parent of an adult child comes up against the force of romantic attraction, in the child....it isn't even a contest....romantic attraction wins!


I think that it is useless measure to project your anger, at your husband, onto his mother. Especially so, if she seems to care about your child. If she is a safe and caring grandmother...then your child will benefit from having such an adult in his life....
Than God for my grandmother....

He's being a dumbass, but unless he's violating a written agreement about social media, I don't think it's worth your time "outing" him. The people who are "liking" the pictures are probably just thinking "oh, a cute baby", and nothing more. They aren't approving of your ex's conduct.

It's probably worthwhile telling his mother that he's posting the pics you send her on Facebook and you don't want pictures of your child on social media - which is reasonable. She may or may not stop forwarding the pictures to him, but at least that way she will be in the picture and will know he's doing this without your say-so.

FWIW my ex used to post pictures of the kid I have with him along with his now-second-ex-wife's kid with "My girls!" and similar. Ex-wife 2 also used to post pics of my daughter on Mother's Day with "Love my girl [kid's name]!". It drove me nuts but I didn't do anything. It all stopped, along with his marriage to X2, and has left no residue except that my kid has a deep aversion to Mother's Day because she perceives (rightly) that she was being used as a prop to maintain the facade that her father and X2 were a happy blended family.

These things pass. A year from now, Facebook will not seem as burning as it does now (completely understandably!).

I have not responded, and I hear what everyone is saying loud and clear:
Don't stoop to his level.
Don't give him the satisfaction.
I can't control his behavior.
He's probably just trying to get a rise out of me.
I shouldn't let him have this power over me.
None of this is worth my time.

Logically, this all sounds great, but maybe I'm just not feeling like a highly evolved person today because it feels like it can't possibly be this simple!

In response to this "What makes you think that his mother can control him....any more than you can? LOL," I'm not suggesting she can control him. What she can do is stop enabling the sh*t out of him by providing him with the pictures he uses to play these little games. Here is how it works: I take a cute picture of my daughter; I send it to her grandma; grandma sends it to AXBF; and AXBF posts it on FB. While it is possible that she may not even be aware of how he is using the pictures, I'd be willing to bet that she is. And for the record, she is not a "safe and caring grandmother." She was complicit when he violated the restraining order. She knew about the dvro and took our daughter to the park to see him one week after he got out of the hospital for severe alcohol withdrawal, hallucinations, seizures, and all. She endangered my daughter for the benefit of her son and proved to me that she cannot be trusted, which is why I no longer leave them alone together. She is not some innocent victim. She is a willing participant in her son's madness. As far as I'm concerned, she is an accomplice in all of this as well, his latest act of using his daughter for his own personal gain.

I know he is doing all of this to impress some new woman in his life. I could care less about said new woman and how he is also using her daughter to make himself seem like a father. What makes me sick to my stomach is the fact that he is using photographs of my special memories with our daughter. It's not his life he's putting out there on FB. It's mine.

I'm trying sooooooo hard to let this go, but I feel like all of my nerve endings are pulsating with rage. I'm not going to react. That much I have decided. But I am going to control what I can which means no more pictures for grandma. That cuts off his pipeline completely.

Here's the thing about the pictures. Once you send them to her, they are hers to do with what she will. If you don't want her to forward them on, then don't send them to her, as it seems you've decided to do.

Sending or not sending is where your control of the situation ends. I know how frustrating it feels, and I'm sorry. But they more you let go of expectations that other people will behave differently than they have proven they will behave, the more peace you will find, the more this rage will dissipate.

Okay.
You are angry, and rightly so.
You know that his mother has and will enable him because they are in an enmeshed, co-dependent relationship.
Believe me when I tell you I have a front row seat to that nonsense in my own family.
So...no more pics for grandma, and tell her why if you have a mind to.
It won’t make a bit of difference in her thinking, and she will likely blame you, out loud or with other family members, for being unnessarily hostile and it’s no wonder her son can’t get along with you.
Cuz that is how co-dependent family relationships roll.
She will always take his side, not yours.
As frustrating as it is, I would, as others have recommended, avoid the social media shaming.
It will feel good in the short run, but may backfire with comments in the long run.
You have every right to be angry.
I have found that addicts will twist themselves in knots attempting to show that they are really good people when the reality is that they are the most selfish, small, self-absorbed people on the planet.
It’s all quacking and false front.
You know your truth.
Take care of yourself and your child.
Everything, good and bad, will pass.

"You know your truth."

I wish this were true--but clearly I don't. I rely too much on other people's truths, even AXBF. When he says I took his daughter away, that's his truth, and even though I know my truth, that I did it to protect her, I still feel guilty. Even today, I need all of you and my mother and his mother and his FB friends to validate what I think I know: that he's a scumbag, that I'm right and he's wrong.

I just don't know how to trust myself. This is the deeper issue here. Instead of focusing on his circus, I should be healing myself. I just don't know how. I work full time; I take care of our daughter with no help from him; I go to the gym three days a week, my only self care. That's my entire life.

Man, I haven't cried like this in a long time.

*HUGS* I am so sorry.

FWIW you ARE doing the right thing.

You still feel guilty, yes, that is a problem. Did you remove him from her life, no.

So why exactly are you feeling guilty? I think anyone can fall in to a trap of feeling responsible for an alcoholic or anyone with a disorder. You have probably been conditioned to feel sorry for him and to bend over backwards to help him with his "problems".

Well, say no more! No more worrying about him seeing his Daughter or not. He is clearly not interested at all or he would have done what it takes to do it, not interested, not your problem. Nothing to feel guilty about.

I wouldn't send the Grandmother any more pictures. If it's a really special photo, like in an xmas outfit or something or kindergarten play, just pop in to a photo-stop and print out a hard copy. I would use paint or Photoshop and edit it first to have text on it like "At home with Mommy at xmas" - but hey, that's me lol.

SaveHer…..If I gave you the impression that I think this stuff is "simple"....I am sorry---as that was not my intention.....


Go ahead and feel the anger. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that this is just the tip of the iceberg of your resentments of him.....I can guess that there are probably a million that you have stuffed inside....

My children's father, basically "deserted" his three small children, after I divorced him...so, I know what that kind of anger feels like.....

This may seem unfair to say, but even though your motives are more pure than his, responding to his social media posts of your daughters pictures to shame him drags her in the middle of this and in that way is using his "relationship" with her to as a weapon.

At some point in the future, your daughter may come across that thread. Don't let it taint what you have with her, she deserves better.

I believe that healing is a process, SaveHer, and it can take some time.
It has taken me years to figure out some stuff.
But..it does happen. Time and distance will bring clarity.

Hey SaveHer, I really understand that guilt feeling... and I understand the not knowing how to trust yourself feeling... I believe that the more you take your eyes off him, and put your eyes on you, that guilt will fade, and you'll begin to feel your confidence grow.

I can also sense strength and clarity in you - and in your words (even if you don't see it) :

"When he says I took his daughter away, that's his truth, and even though I know my truth, that I did it to protect her,"

You know your truth.

And the self-berating little guilty voice that questions that knowing inside you, will eventually quieten and fade. You've experienced long-term conditioning due to being in a relationship with an addict / alcoholic, so it's natural to doubt yourself right now ... but the more you remind yourself of these facts - "I was with an alcholholc for years ! - it is understandable that my self-esteem has taken a major hit... i'm building my confidence back up... slowly but surely... one day at a time... " and just try to forgive yourself when you feel this guilt ... try to have some gentle inner dialogue with it.. it was there because deep down you loved this person... and you cared so much for this person.....and that is lovely you felt so much care... but you will see that you cared more for him, and less for you.... so the guilt could actually become a gentle reminder to love who you are and appreciate all that you're doing for you and your daughter.

Also:

I work full time; I take care of our daughter with no help from him; I go to the gym three days a week.

To this I'd say you're doing amazing and doing even better than you realise, Well done for being so committed to taking care of you and your daughter. You reap what you sow and these are good strong things you are sowing.

I totally get it, SaveHer. Totally, completely. I understand the urge to respond on FB.

A couple years back, AXH's current GF posted a lovely little edited photo with a blurb about what a wonderful father he is on Father's Day. I took a screen shot of the comments back and forth about her wonderful man and went off on my own little post about how the newest photo of his son that he had was 6 years prior to that post, how DS instead calls the holiday "Grandpa's or Uncle's Day". Luckily, I had enough presence of mind to not respond to her post and to limit the audience on mine.

So knowing all that: here's my 2 cents. It's important to vent sometimes. VERY important. Coming here to write about it is a great way to do so. Or talking with a trusted friend or two. If you're at all artistic - and maybe even if you're not - I also found it helpful to print a copy of whatever was ticking me off and sticking it in my journal and decorating it with whatever color paint felt right, markers, words, etc. (Gesso works really well to prep the journal page so the artwork doesn't bleed through to the other side of the page.)

It's also important to get support. Sometimes the need to vent is tied to the need to have someone say they understand, and that, no, what's he's doing is not valid. And no, it's not fair. F&F and friends irl are good for that, too.

In any case - He's an ***. He's trying to project the image that he's a good dad. Anyone who knows how he's actually shirking his responsibilities knows that's not true. Anyone who believes his BS isn't worth your time. (((hugs)))