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Old 10-05-2018, 09:17 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I rarely have contact with my ex but our daughter got married recently so we saw each other at the wedding. He said, where lots of people could hear, "I paid for the wedding." Omg is that so absolutely false! It's laughable. Yes he contributed but far less than our daughter and her husband and far, far less than me.

I would have loved to set the (financial) record straight. But I didn't. The truth is the truth and if he wants to make himself look better by lying that is his problem and thankfully, his problems are not mine any more. The truth always comes out in the end, one way or another.

Your ex is trying to make himself look better by lying. So maybe this new woman, or others who see his FB posts might believe he's this great dad when the opposite is true. The people who matter most - number one being your child - know the truth. His mother knows it, too.

I think your handling of his mother is great, btw. No, she can't be left alone with your daughter but obviously she cares enough to spend time with her and you make it possible.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:30 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by 53500 View Post
I rarely have contact with my ex but our daughter got married recently so we saw each other at the wedding. He said, where lots of people could hear, "I paid for the wedding." Omg is that so absolutely false! It's laughable. Yes he contributed but far less than our daughter and her husband and far, far less than me.
Haha - this reminds me of my ex! We paid for my daughter's friend to go on a church trip that was $360. My ex threw in $60 just so he could act like he did it. I just bit my tongue. Whatever makes you sleep at night, Ex, but at the end of the day I know you hate yourself.

SaveHer, I fully support you ceasing to give the grandmother pictures of your daughter. It's sad, but if it eliminates stress out of your life because she can't respect boundaries, then so be it. You have NO obligation to even let her see your daughter, so she knows she has to take whatever scraps you give her.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:48 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SaveHer View Post
I just don't know how to trust myself. This is the deeper issue here. Instead of focusing on his circus, I should be healing myself. I just don't know how. I work full time; I take care of our daughter with no help from him; I go to the gym three days a week, my only self care. That's my entire life.

Man, I haven't cried like this in a long time.


You have been under a tremendous amount of stress for a LONG time & oh, also post-partum & single parenting. How can you NOT feel overwhelmed!??!

I'm so glad you let those tears flow & I hope you feel a little better today. When DD was young, I feel like I cried myself to sleep every night out of sheer exhaustion & it felt like it would NEVER end.... but it did & it will for you too. While you can never control your Ex or the chaos around him, your DD will grow & so will your freedoms. It's just SO hard when they are this little & need 24/7/365 care & planning.

I can't make it better, but I can hold your hand while you cry & remind you that you aren't alone & that it will end at some point. Give yourself some credit for doing the best you can with what you are fighting against!
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:16 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Facebook is not absolute TRUTH.

An example, my daughter got married a couple weeks ago, the professional wedding pics are popping up all over my social media, and what gorgeous pictures they are. The bride is absolutely stunning , radiating happiness, her groom so tall and handsome. It’s the picture perfect Happily ever after photos”

Reality. The bum doesn’t have a JOB, he is addicted to his prescription meds, he sells drugs, he is a convicted felon, he is a con artist, This is the absolute TRUTH.

Looks are deceiving.

We never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. We have no idea how people live in private. We only hear the TRUTH years later after the relationship dissolves.

It’s perfectly ok to take a break from all this social media. It’s ok to live YOUR life, YOUR truth, maybe spend more actually face to face time with friends and family,

All this technology that is supposed to keep us all connected, seems to be tearing us apart.

. A child needs a sane responsible parent, your baby is lucky she a hard working committed mother. Hang in there, you got this!
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:49 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I hate, and I mean HATE Facebook. I have a family member (an alcoholic that's NOT close to me) posting pictures of my daughter without my permission (same selfish reasons bragging about being such a great person etc). I'm livid angry...not because he's being "fake"...that's his issue but because these "updates" are a safety issue for my daughter, she's an INFANT. He never even considered maybe she doesn't want her picture splattered all over internet (Facebook owns those pics now..have I mentioned I hate Facebook)...he's shaping her digital footprint without her permission. Plus if you do some research you will learn that 50% of child porn (yes including babies) comes from pictures shared on social media....look it up it's true (and it's sick I haven't posted the details here because of how sick it is). I've stopped sending group family texts with photos to try to stop it so we will see. I'm only sending pics to family members who haven't posted her on social media and have agreed not to.

I couldn't imagine having a partner (I'm so glad I don't have one) posting pictures of my daughter, it's just so irresponsible and just gross in my opinion. I would be livid not because of the "fake" issue but because of the harm it could potentially do to my child. Where is he getting the photos?

So while I agree with the others that shaming him on social media is a bad idea I do not agree that the issue should be let go. My cousin has a similar situation to yours (her ex is not an alcoholic) but in the state where she lives it's illegal to post a child under 13 with identifying information. She's getting something in her divorce degree that they both agree not to post pictures of their daughter on Facebook until she's 13 and has said it's ok....even then IMO you have to be very careful. If he wasn't her father you could even contact facebook and get he photos removed if your child is under 13.

Some people think my position on Facebook photos is extreme but I disagree, this is my daughter and no I don't want her having a digital footprint before she has a chance to decide herself and no I don't want to risk nefarious individuals getting at her photos. I've told the rest of my family no posting pictures of her on social media and I've said if they do I will cut off their photos as well just like I did the person in question. It may sound harsh but I don't care, it's what I believe.
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Old 10-05-2018, 01:47 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Makes sense to me. I never post photos of people on Facebook.
To me, it’s a privacy thing.
Though with social media being what it is, that ship may have sailed for good.
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Old 10-05-2018, 02:16 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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that I'm right and he's wrong.

i think the above can become a great source of internal conflict.....if i am "right" than i have a position to defend - if you are wrong, then you are not my equal in my righteousness. if i am right, and you do not agree, than you are my persecutor.
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Old 10-06-2018, 03:22 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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she's an INFANT. He never even considered maybe she doesn't want her picture splattered all over internet (Facebook owns those pics now..have I mentioned I hate Facebook)...he's shaping her digital footprint without her permission. Plus if you do some research you will learn that 50% of child porn (yes including babies) comes from pictures shared on social media

I completely agree with you, Aeryn! When our daughter was first born, both AXBF and I agreed that we would not post pictures of her, and we asked friends and family to respect our wishes. We made this decision for the exact same reason you cited--she has a right to her privacy. It was his friggin idea!!! I took a lot of flack from my mother on this one--"All my friends get to post pictures of their grandkids on their FB pages!"--and I distinctly remember him being livid, even threatening to not let my parents see our daughter. Eventually, my mom backed off, and it wasn't an issue anymore. Now, all of a sudden, it's not such a big deal for him? Imagine that! I really hate how he thinks he just gets to make up all the rules all the time and everyone else will just follow his lead even though the rules have no basis in logic, reason, or even reality! I can't believe I lived that way for so long.

I put on my big girl panties and confronted his mother yesterday. It was difficult; conflict is not my friend. I just tried to treat her with kindness thanks to those of you who helped me remember that she has no control over her son. I told her that surely she could understand that I would do whatever needs to be done to protect my daughter. She said she understood, but then the next day she sent me an "apology" text but really she was just fishing around for pictures:

"I want to apologize for the pictures. I didn't think he would be so stupid!"

I wanted to scream, you know exactly how "stupid" your son is! But I responded, "You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."

And here's the emotional blackmail: "But it ends up hurting us, especially since we won't be able to get pictures of our sunshine."

Again, I wanted to scream, then that's a conversation you should be having with your son, not me!

Talking about him, talking to her, both of these things always leave me feeling like I need a bath, and not to relax but just to wash off the nasty, dirty, slimy sickness that infects them both.
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Old 10-06-2018, 06:30 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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SaveHer
I am sorry you are going through this and you certainly will feel the pain when your daughters privacy is being violated.
The only power however that your XA has over you is the power that you allow him to have. It isnít easy no, one way that I have found to let things go before they drive me crazy is to write it down, and yes many times it has taken me several times of writing it down before I can let it go.
Many times however I do go back and read my journal and can see my own recovery progress! That is very therapeutic for me.
He is going to do what he is going to do. If it violates an order report it and move on.
IMO you are giving him too much power over your own emotions. Hard not to do I know I have lived it for over 20 years.
Hugs to you!
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Old 10-09-2018, 03:14 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Two things stand out to me in this thread.

ScaryTime wrote: "IMO you are giving him too much power over your own emotions. Hard not to do I know I have lived it for over 20 years. ",

and you wrote: " I just don't know how to trust myself. This is the deeper issue here. Instead of focusing on his circus, I should be healing myself. I just don't know how. I work full time; I take care of our daughter with no help from him; I go to the gym three days a week, my only self care. That's my entire life. "

You are making progress, and it is hard, and painful, and takes a long time, but the truth is that you are making progress.

You've recognized who he is and what his problem is. You've taken the hard bitter step of leaving him and living on your own with your daughter. You've understood that he is not and will not be capable of being a father - he doesn't support her and he doesn't see her.

That's a huge step. Now what is left is to truly move on, day by day, and form your own life and your daughter's life around what you find to be healthy, safe, and eventually, joyful. You've begun to travel that path, and that should make you proud of yourself.

Emotional separation takes time and many small steps, and you are on your way. His life IS a circus, as you recognize, and it is likely that it will continue to be so. Give yourself permission to grieve, and with each round of grief, let go of him a little more.

Dream a little more each day - what will my new, peaceful and happy life look like? Redirect your anger toward him whenever you can towards something positive for YOU. He doesn't matter. He's history. You are worth loving as is your daughter.

Think abut small answers to big questions - How can I recognize and reward myself for growing, going forward, and letting go? Maybe a fresh flower each week, chosen to acknowledge your progress on a tough but rewarding path. Maybe a small but meaningful ritual that you start with your daughter...

Choose whatever you want and need to celebrate the creation of a happy and whole life, step by step, day by day.


Spend your emotional energy where it helps you. Acknowledge how you feel about his actions honestly, then let those feelings go. Literally say to yourself, I have invested my energy into anger against him and his actions. Say I want to reclaim and redirect that energy and use it toward my emerging positive life for me and my daughter.

Then do whatever you need to do at that moment, one action, one thought at a time, to rebalance your life from being in reaction to him towards being in charge of you and your life with your daughter.

Believe in yourself, you deserve to.

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Old 10-09-2018, 04:19 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SaveHer View Post
"You know your truth."

I wish this were true--but clearly I don't. I rely too much on other people's truths, even AXBF. When he says I took his daughter away, that's his truth, and even though I know my truth, that I did it to protect her, I still feel guilty. Even today, I need all of you and my mother and his mother and his FB friends to validate what I think I know: that he's a scumbag, that I'm right and he's wrong.

I just don't know how to trust myself. This is the deeper issue here. Instead of focusing on his circus, I should be healing myself. I just don't know how. I work full time; I take care of our daughter with no help from him; I go to the gym three days a week, my only self care. That's my entire life.

Man, I haven't cried like this in a long time.
I know exactly what you mean (or at least I think I do). It takes a lot of practice in reality-testing to begin to believe in one's own perceptions and discount the perceptions of others, especially others whose perceptions of reality are wildly distorted.

I still get stuck in this - I have to go back in my memory and go over the times when I thought X was happening, despite what others were telling me, and then it became clear that X really was happening. My mantra is "remember, if you think X is happening, you're more likely to be right than wrong".

Maybe some of your rage at the alcoholic is because his disease made you into a self-doubting, reality-doubting person (I know it's more complicated than that - his disease can't "make" anybody do anything but you know what I mean). It's infuriating to be in a state where you feel like you need validation and confirmation from random Facebook people.

That's all the ESH I've got on this one - just know you're not alone with this.
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