Broke my own rule this morning
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Location: OKC OK
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Broke my own rule this morning
The last 5 days AH has been waking me up in the middle of the night yelling and cursing people in his sleep. So I get up and crawl into my sons bed (he has two in his room) so I can sleep. I've done this the last 3 nights. AH asks me about this morning and I said "You are yelling and cursing people in your sleep. I go in the other room because I need sleep. I'm going to again suggest you seek out therapy. Whatever it is that you are so angry about is now affecting your sleep." He of course says he's not angry (LIES) whatever. I tell him that it's okay to be angry it's okay to be sad...it's not okay to not deal with your feelings.
I said I wasn't going to bring up therapy again. I try not to bring up his mental health at all. While it totally sucks to watch his mental health deteriorate, I know there's nothing I can do about it.
I said I wasn't going to bring up therapy again. I try not to bring up his mental health at all. While it totally sucks to watch his mental health deteriorate, I know there's nothing I can do about it.
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When I go to therapy with my AH, we talk about dreams a lot..it's really common for people to dream about using. I had a dream about vodka 2 nights in a row last week and when I told his therapist, she said it was apparent his alcoholism has found its way into my subconscious psyche. Sometimes dreams are just dreams, but if your husband is yelling and cursing people in his sleep, then YES, there is some kind of source of anger that is affecting him. Is he an angry person in his waking time? Maybe he's suppressing it so much the only time it can come out is in his sleep. Regardless, you have every right to break your own rule and bring it up in therapy. It may even be beneficial to set up a camera or tape recorder that is movement or sound activated so he can hear himself. It's pretty hard to deny it then.
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi 
When I go to therapy with my AH, we talk about dreams a lot..it's really common for people to dream about using. I had a dream about vodka 2 nights in a row last week and when I told his therapist, she said it was apparent his alcoholism has found its way into my subconscious psyche. Sometimes dreams are just dreams, but if your husband is yelling and cursing people in his sleep, then YES, there is some kind of source of anger that is affecting him. Is he an angry person in his waking time? Maybe he's suppressing it so much the only time it can come out is in his sleep. Regardless, you have every right to break your own rule and bring it up in therapy. It may even be beneficial to set up a camera or tape recorder that is movement or sound activated so he can hear himself. It's pretty hard to deny it then.
I attend therapy alone. I refuse to go to therapy with someone who is completely unreasonable. He wouldn't go anyway.
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(((Hugs)))
Yes, there is something you can do about it. If he refuses to leave, you can. It is possible. This is abuse and you and your children deserve peace, safety and an environment that allows healing and growth.
https://www.thehotline.org/
I was abused in many ways that I didn't recognize as abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
Yes, there is something you can do about it. If he refuses to leave, you can. It is possible. This is abuse and you and your children deserve peace, safety and an environment that allows healing and growth.
https://www.thehotline.org/
I was abused in many ways that I didn't recognize as abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering
He of course says he's not angry (LIES)
Maybe he's not angry or doesn't recognize it as anger, maybe it's frustration or helplessness or lack of alcohol or a million different emotions.
So when you say, you need to find out why you are "angry" maybe it's not hitting the mark.
All of that is kind of irrelevant though unless you want to be his therapist. Trying to communicate this way is a long. long. long process and do you want to spend the next 20 years sorting it out?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Perhaps he has a problem identifying these feelings now he is sober.
Maybe he's not angry or doesn't recognize it as anger, maybe it's frustration or helplessness or lack of alcohol or a million different emotions.
So when you say, you need to find out why you are "angry" maybe it's not hitting the mark.
All of that is kind of irrelevant though unless you want to be his therapist. Trying to communicate this way is a long. long. long process and do you want to spend the next 20 years sorting it out?
Maybe he's not angry or doesn't recognize it as anger, maybe it's frustration or helplessness or lack of alcohol or a million different emotions.
So when you say, you need to find out why you are "angry" maybe it's not hitting the mark.
All of that is kind of irrelevant though unless you want to be his therapist. Trying to communicate this way is a long. long. long process and do you want to spend the next 20 years sorting it out?
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The thing is, when people are of a different mindset, whether that is addiction or other mental illness of any sort, their thinking and neuro-typical thinking are different, they view things differently.
I do know someone who was married to someone who is basically a sociopath. Originally the person didn't know this but as the years went by they understood it. They then spent the next 10-15 years unravelling it. 2 years of intense talking, for hours. Calling the person on each and every infraction and discussing it so they could understand.
The person in question really WANTED to understand and improve, they wanted their family and to show love and caring and their partner was willing to invest all that time to it.
They are still together. Is it perfect? No, still not but miles better than it was, but that is a BIG investment of time.
I do know someone who was married to someone who is basically a sociopath. Originally the person didn't know this but as the years went by they understood it. They then spent the next 10-15 years unravelling it. 2 years of intense talking, for hours. Calling the person on each and every infraction and discussing it so they could understand.
The person in question really WANTED to understand and improve, they wanted their family and to show love and caring and their partner was willing to invest all that time to it.
They are still together. Is it perfect? No, still not but miles better than it was, but that is a BIG investment of time.
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Sorry, alwayscovering.
Maybe you should move next door at night more or less permanently?
Then you could sleep.
If he confronts you, tell him he is restless and loud and it wakes you up.
Tough to argue with that.
Maybe you should move next door at night more or less permanently?
Then you could sleep.
If he confronts you, tell him he is restless and loud and it wakes you up.
Tough to argue with that.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
The thing is, when people are of a different mindset, whether that is addiction or other mental illness of any sort, their thinking and neuro-typical thinking are different, they view things differently.
I do know someone who was married to someone who is basically a sociopath. Originally the person didn't know this but as the years went by they understood it. They then spent the next 10-15 years unravelling it. 2 years of intense talking, for hours. Calling the person on each and every infraction and discussing it so they could understand.
The person in question really WANTED to understand and improve, they wanted their family and to show love and caring and their partner was willing to invest all that time to it.
They are still together. Is it perfect? No, still not but miles better than it was, but that is a BIG investment of time.
I do know someone who was married to someone who is basically a sociopath. Originally the person didn't know this but as the years went by they understood it. They then spent the next 10-15 years unravelling it. 2 years of intense talking, for hours. Calling the person on each and every infraction and discussing it so they could understand.
The person in question really WANTED to understand and improve, they wanted their family and to show love and caring and their partner was willing to invest all that time to it.
They are still together. Is it perfect? No, still not but miles better than it was, but that is a BIG investment of time.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
Sorry, alwayscovering.
Maybe you should move next door at night more or less permanently?
Then you could sleep.
If he confronts you, tell him he is restless and loud and it wakes you up.
Tough to argue with that.
Maybe you should move next door at night more or less permanently?
Then you could sleep.
If he confronts you, tell him he is restless and loud and it wakes you up.
Tough to argue with that.
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Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know if he really wants to change or not. Sometimes I think he does. I think he needs professional help to do it though. I think he doesn't know how. He's always buying new workout programs and self help books and when they don't give him the results he wants (immediately) he quits. He's seen 6 different therapists in the last 3 years and he goes a few times and then quits. It's like he doesn't understand he has to work at it. It's not easy and you have to deal with crap that sucks. So IDK. I just know I can't fix this for him.
putting aside for a moment the fact that he has demonstrated some behaviors that probably do need addressing.....imagine what it is like to hear over and over and over again that:
you need to get help.
you have a problem.
you need to see a therapist.
you need to make changes.
you need to......
you should........
for ANY of us that gets tiresome real quick, whether any of the above is true or not.
you really need to lose some weight.
you really need to do something with your hair.
you should get a makeover.
you should go to church.
you need to calm down.
you need to do more.
you need to get a job.
you need to spend more time with your children.
putting aside for a moment the fact that he has demonstrated some behaviors that probably do need addressing.....imagine what it is like to hear over and over and over again that:
you need to get help.
you have a problem.
you need to see a therapist.
you need to make changes.
you need to......
you should........
for ANY of us that gets tiresome real quick, whether any of the above is true or not.
you really need to lose some weight.
you really need to do something with your hair.
you should get a makeover.
you should go to church.
you need to calm down.
you need to do more.
you need to get a job.
you need to spend more time with your children.
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