AutumnMama

I’m going out of town tomorrow until Sunday. I am leaving my almost-3 year old with my husband who is currently living with his parents. Today I was at their house and found a pill bubble pack in the trash in his bathroom so I looked at it. It was in Russian and I googled it, it was a type of benzo that I assume you can order online. This is on top of my suspicion of him using other pills that are technically legal that you can order online.

Anyway, I am worried about our son being over there. I’m worried that there’s going to be a pill left out that my son picks up and eats thinking it’s candy. I’m worried my husband is going to take a handful of benzos to go to sleep and not be a great caretaker if needed.

So I called and told his mom what I found and my suspicions. She didn’t really seem that concerned or to even really believe me. She said Charlie is sleeping in the crib in the bedroom next to hers and everything will be okay. Told me not to worry.

She knows about a bunch of other stuff he said done so I wouldn’t say she’s a typical enabling parent in denial. We have supported each other in the past with his drinking. But I think she didn’t believe me and now I’m afraid she’s going to go to my husband and he’s going to yell at me.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Did I overstep my bounds by looking at the pill thing in the trash can? By telling his mother instead of going to him first?

Mango212

Trust your instincts and do whatever you need to protect your child.

Would you leave your child with negligent strangers? This is basically who these people are. They are showing you by their actions that you don't really know them or can trust them, imo.

Just my take on it from being through alcoholic lies and manipulations, including from family members.

Whatever else, trust your gut.

(((hugs)))

Mango212

Addictions lie. It's part of the disease. Addicts lie. It isn't personal. The people around them (such as his mother, and at times myself as I've journeyed through alcoholism/addiction in our home) become sucked into the chaos. Lies become the every day go-to, often without realizing it's going on.

trailmix

Well, you already know he is a liar so why would you trust anything he had to say about drugs? Isn't that why you went to your MIL, you knew he would just deny they were his or say it was prescribed, or it was old stuff and he was just cleaning etc etc.

Since he has been "sober" you have:

- Found a ton of sleeping pills
- He was taking adderall and xanax (with a prescription) and smoking

He also planted cameras around the house and didn't tell you.

Trusting him at this point would be wrong, in my opinion he has not done anything to earn your trust has he?

He said he wanted a separation for 6 months so he could get himself together, is that working at all?

Anyway, back to your original point, first of all, don't let him yell at you, if he calls and yells, hang up, you don't need that. Secondly, is it safe to leave your child in his care, not at all, but maybe the MIL is very responsible?

AutumnMama

I don’t know why I’m having basically a panic attack about this. I’m scared she is going to confront him, he’s going to deny it, and then he’s going to come after me. I’m scared he is going to show up at my house to yell at me — but he’s never done anything like that in the past. He’s not in an obvious downward spiral right now or anything. It’s all very subtle and I think I’m the only person in the world who notices he isn’t quite right.

Why should I be scared of him being mad? I mean we are living apart and basically divorced, what do I really have to lose? Why am I so terrified of angering him?

ETA: yeah I think it’s safe to leave him there if his MIL is there the entire time. She is very reliable and I trust her 100% with my son. And it makes me feel better that my son isn’t going to be sleeping with my husband in his bed.

Mango212

Getting in between an addict/alcoholic and their drug of choice is a very dangerous place to be. Fear can be a guide to healing.

One day at a time. First things first.

Breathe deeply. Pick up a couple recovery tools that help you (ask for ideas if needed).

AutumnMama

It doesn’t help that the trip I’m going on is back home. It’s for work but I’m staying until Sunday to see my family. Which consists of my alcoholic parents that I moved across the country to get away from. So just anxiety on all sides right now. Think I’m just going to pack my suit case and listen to loud music after I put my son to bed. Taking things one hour at a time!

theuncertainty

I think it was perfectly OK for you to look and to broach the subject with your MIL. I guess the main question is do you trust your MIL to care for your son in the event your AH uses, especially if he goes to sleep/passes out? Is she typically around for the interactions between your AH and DS? If your answers are yes, then you can probably keep trusting her to watch for your son's safety.

It's not easy. I know. My xSIL and xFIL were court-appointed supervisors for AXH and DS's visits. They couldn't control AXH's drinking or abusive behavior any more than I could. I didn't trust them to be truthful about him using or if he was present for the visits, but I know they watched out for DS. H-ll, even the super-codie, "He would never treat me that way" GF (also allowed to supervise visits) took DS and ran when AXH got physical with her. No, it wasn't ideal. And yes, I am still (years later) ticked af at her for sending her boys to safety w/ their dad and coming to pick up DS that weekend. But she kept DS safe when it actually hit the fan.

Of course, if the answer is that you don't trust MIL to watch over DS, then none of that really applies.

I would certainly document it, note the type of pills, and make sure this information, including MIL's response is known included in any discussions about setting or revising custody and visitation with a court.

[ETA: it took forever for me to write that. Cross-posted with everyone from Trailmix on. Sounds like you got this. ((((Hugs))))]

Mango212

Taking things one hour at a time!

marie1960

Blood will forever be thicker than water.

If you trust her , you trust her, that is a good thing. She certainly wants to continue to have a relationship with her grandbaby, so hopefully she will be keeping a watchful eye, maybe she does know, but I doubt she will share info and risk not seeing the grandchild, or say something that would limit his visitation..

I have found reaching out to XA family regarding his addiction, came back and bit me in the ass, yep I was just trying to cause trouble, and drama, as his drinking just “ wasn’t that bad”. So he got drunk and passed out, that isn’t a big of deal as i was making it out to be. oh ok, he burnt up the rug and chair he was sleeping in, but it’s no big deal if you burn the house down, Big eye roll...

Whether or not she responds the way you want, you did put the bug in her ear, thinking she will be looking for the proof.

LovePeaceSushi

I don't think you were wrong to look at the pill pack or tell his mother about it. Shoot, if I'd been you, I would have taken a picture of it with my camera for evidence or kept the pill pack itself!

If this is headed towards divorce, you need to start gathering ammo. I know you're going on this trip, but from here forward, what you do tells the court what you feel is okay or acceptable. Don't be afraid to draw hard lines with your husband AND his mother. And I don't know the woman, but when the **** hits the fan, my bet is that she will pick her son and protect him over siding with you. Just my opinion, but I've been there/done that with my in-laws and even with their son IN THEIR HOME and drinking, they still were able to make excuses for him. Her lack of concern over that pack of pills is alarming.

hopeful4

Since you trust your MIL I would say it was 100% appropriate to broach the subject w/her.

He is who he is. It will progress and you know that, which creates fear. It's 100% normal to feel this way. If you trust her to take care of your kids, fine. If not, I would make alternate plans.

Sending a big hug b/c I know it's so hard.

AutumnMama

Oh you better believe I kept it

My MIL has really bad tactics when it comes to dealing with someone with an addiction (feeling like she can just yell and guilt trip him into getting sober) but she at least isn’t completely oblivious. I think she’s giving him some leeway right now because he hurt his back and has a lot of pain, which he seems to be self medicating. She thinks because he is going to work and doing nice things for her around the house (installing lights and stuff) that he is just fine. She worked in her dads pharmacy growing up and has a sensationalized idea of what someone addicted to pills looks like, I think.

I’ve been mentally preparing myself for when she turns on me at some point. I hope it doesn’t happen but I know that it might.

My husband went for an MRI today. I’m interested to see what happens if he gets his back pain under control. I wonder if he will come off of all the mail-ordered pain killers/muscle relaxers. I’m going to guess that somehow he will have “back pain” until he decides to quit those pills, and it won’t work the other way around. But I’d like to be surprised.

But at least he isn’t drinking? Lolololol

Sitting in the airport right now. Feeling a little less anxious about my trip right now, but I feel like I’m leaving a little piece of my heart behind with my son. We had a discussion today about how he should never eat candy (pills) he finds on the ground or anywhere else. Ugh.

Mango212

Hi AutumnMama,

How are you doing today? (((hugs)))

hopeful4

I would say he will continue to find pain for as long as you are willing to believe he is in pain. Just my two cents. Big hugs.

AutumnMama

I got home late last night -- picked my son up from my MIL & Husband and took him home and put him right to sleep... so I haven't gotten to spend much time with him yet He seems exhausted, like he wasn't sleeping very well in a new place. which makes sense. And he seems to have a little cold... but other than that, he is great!

My trip was a huge blur. My work-related obligations went really well! I did some public speaking which I do not enjoy, and I did well! I talked to a bunch of strangers and did well!

I had dinner with my (alcoholic) mother and she chugged about two glasses of wine while I was there and then drove home... haha. The dinner was fine though... I feel like I'm scared to show emotions when I'm around her, because if I do, she magnifies them and makes them uncomfortable. Like, if I were to talk about a minor struggle I was having, she would start crying and saying how sorry she was for me, in an over-the-top kind of way.

I went to visit my (recovering alcoholic) father and my aunt/uncle. My dad looked awful. He developed diabetes in his late 20s from not taking care of himself (drugs/booze) and has developed numerous complications from that. His twin sister was born with diabetes, but looks great. It's startling the contrast between them. He also informed me that he has lymphoma, but said it was the "good kind" which isn't treatable but doesn't affect your body a whole lot. Is it weird I don't have much emotion about that?

I also saw my best friend from highschool, whom I have fallen out of contact with. After a dinner together, I realized how much I miss her--which I think was reciprocated. I think we'll be keeping more in touch now--she wrote me the sweetest text message after I left. So that made the whole trip worth it

While I was gone, my husband had an MRI and it showed that he has two herniated discs and a tear that is leaking fluid. He started spinal decompression treatments today. He seemed really nervous. I am kind of just observing what is happening, and what will happen when/if he isn't in pain anymore.

Mango212

Hi AutumnMama,

I'm thinking of karma today and how much disengaging my life from those who are hurting and in pain helps me heal and provides a healthy, nourishing environment for kid.

It's okay to step away from observing the chaos, beyond taking note of it so our children are well-protected.

(((hugs)))

ShootingStar2

Maybe safer to line up other alternative babysitters if you need to travel again? It will probably give you much more peace of mind to know that your son is safe.

ShootingStar2