Free2bme888

BB. I know, right? I guess me calling his bluff wasn’t in his plan . I guess on my birthday weekend a month ago when he took me out to dinner on Friday night and gave me $160 worth of gift cards and then on Sunday said this wasn’t working out for him anymore Wasn’t setting the seed, nor having me not take his ultimatum last weekend to his favor is not setting well.

biminiblue

So...it seems like you really need to tell him in so many words that it's over for you.

After you get the locks changed.

Another approach would be to ghost him, but I wouldn't do that. The last guy I broke up with was controlling, a "sober" alcoholic and I had the police involved four different times at the end. It had to be spelled out not only by me. "I don't want you to call me. I'm done," but I had to then have the police call him and tell him to stop calling, because he blew up my phone after that.

It worked, though. The police told him he was going to be charged with stalking. They had him on their radar. That ended all his attempts at communication. Then I saw him with binoculars across the street. Oh, Hell no. I really considered a restraining order. Turned out that he was on Probation (I didn't know that while dating him) and an RO would have violated it, so he disappeared fairly quietly after I called his roommate about that binocular incident and told him I would get an RO if I saw him anywhere in my vicinity again.

Free2bme888

I don’t know what ghost is

Free2bme888

Sounds so scary for u about him stalking.

biminiblue

Where you just ignore him and/or never answer him - i.e. never have the Talk.

You haven't told him you're done yet, have you?

trailmix

Personally I think "ghosting" is never called for unless you feel your personal safety is in question.

Ghosting means just never speaking to the person again and never telling them that you are not going to.

If you don't wish to speak to him anymore I recommend just letting him know, clearly. But that wasn't my understanding from what you said?

Free2bme888

I think a mature talk is respectful and in order, also to exchange stuff as we’ve been together 3.5 years, some items I need that are actually mine like my coat and some Other clothes (although I could buy more I guess) at his house plus my garage door opener. And at my house I have his garage door opener and a vacuum that he lent to me, some personals too.

I do have a diamond necklace that he gave me, but i broke up with him in 2016 in the summer and he wanted it back stating that “that is for his life partner“. I don’t want it. Wear it so I can remember him? No thanks anyway. That time I was suckered into having sex ‘one more time’, and I take full responsibility for not taking care of me at that time.

I have partially paid for some phones, iPhones and he is currently paying the monthly bill as a contract. Conversly, he asked me in March and I agreed to A contract with ATT that I am paying for his house cable bill on two year contract.

There definitely needs to be some dialogue so that nobody feels ripped off .

Thinking the dialogue should be in public and a friend should be here when we exchange stuff.

Free2bme888

Last Sunday we had a conversation and last Saturday night where he was saying he wanted to definitive answer that we moved in together next summer. And I said I don’t know about that I would prefer just to stay dating the way that we are. I like my alone time and I don’t really like his relationship with his dog —-it’s a little bit weird for someone who grew up with dogs being functional, not as a human member of the family (refers to him as his son and when he Talks to his adult children on the phone he tells them that their brother chewed a bone today etc.

So Sunday I clarified with him that what he saying is that he wants to move on because he’s 63 if I don’t want to live with him by next summer —he needs to find someone that he can live with, someone to share his future with. And I said to him you really think you’re going to find someone by next summer? I don’t understand what the rush is ( there for smelling fish among many red flags here).
I also said I don’t know if I want to live with someone who drinks so much . I’m trying to figure out the ‘new me’.

So I called his bluff and I said then go find somebody else .

We had no contact until Thursday when he started to text me, which begins a pattern again Of him acting like nothing transpired and everything is fine

trailmix

Agreed, I think a respectful talk is always in order (where possible).

I can see you are weighing your options here and his behaviour seems pretty typical of an alcoholic? Or maybe more accurately someone used to getting their own way.

I like your ideas. I get that you like living in your house on your own with your alone time, that's perfectly normal!

ScaryTime

Keep taking care of you and your needs and desires. Yes, by all means remain “adult” and respectful but pay attention to the manipulation and gas lighting he is doing...which it sounds like you are fully aware.
I am trying to break away and start living my life on my terms at the same time remaining respectful of my AH.
He still manipulates and gas lights but it is just because he is not ready to take responsibility or accountability (he is 10 months sober).
He doesn’t want a divorce but is reluctantly cooperating I think because he is finally coming out of the haze and just maybe I am finally getting through to him in that it is not about him anymore it is about me and my life and the way I choose or choose not to live it.
When he tries to hand me all the r spinsibiluty and yea the blame I refuse to take it and calmly let him know that, and actually sometimes don’t let him know it as it is not for him to know it is for me and living by the boundaries I have set for myself.
Good luck, it is so hard but you know what he is going to be just fine if you move on. That was the hardest for me as I have stayed (far too long) because I didn’t want him to hurt. Then I found out he went on match.com like 8 months ago! Yep he will be just fine and so will I living MY life according to me!
Hugs to you!

Free2bme888

Thanks!

Free2bme888

Things were rough today, my ABF keeps reaching out via texts.

I answered his questions with one word answers and then re-asked which day he would prefer to see me in the morning .

He finally picked a date and I said great we will meet at a restaurant

He said he feels like it’s a slap in the face that I want to meet him in public and that he will not meet me in public he wants to come to my house .

I think that is a bad bad idea .

I’m keeping my guns that we meet at a public place, or we just cut our losses with whatever is at each other’s houses .

Thoughts?

trailmix

I agree with you, if that is what you are comfortable with that is what you are comfortable with.

How about him going the extra mile to make you feel good about it?

Free2bme888

hes Not. He’s trying guilt. Friendliness. Shame.

I stand strong and see that his quest to make this difficult as possible is yet another red flag

suki44883

Well, I've never been known to be anything but blunt, so take this with a grain of salt. I would just tell him the choice is to meet in public or to just cut our losses and move on. (Why is there a need to meet anyway?) There are no other options. If he continues to him-haw around, I'd just say, okay...we'll just cut our losses and move on. Then, don't answer any more of his texts and avoid him at all costs.

Have you followed through with changing your locks and reprogramming your garage door opener?

Hawkeye13

He is trying to reset the hook.
Don't let him come to your house.

You need to be clear and not ambiguous about still dating

You are right about red flag plus

biminiblue

Have you told him straight-up that the relationship is done for you?

If you do meet, is that what you are going to tell him?

I agree with the last few posts. "Either we meet in a public place or this will be the last time we communicate. This meeting is for squaring our property and our finances, but I don't want to be back together."

I mean, at some point you have to say it if that's what you want.

Free2bme888

Thanks BB and Hawkeye. I changed the manual garage code today before work, will change the garage door opener tonight, and plan to do locks tomorrow night.

Yes. Wanted to have a have a face-to-face and say it’s over, but you’re right if that doesn’t work out I’m fully prepared and content with leaving things in cutting our losses as they are .

So appreciate everyone’s support!

Free2bme888

Update

I was able to program to new garage remotes last night but I was unable to change the deadbolt there was some thing that didn’t fit right and I was so tired

Will try again tonight

ShootingStar2

For me, when it's over, it's over. I was divorced from my first husband many years ago, and I tried so hard to have the "perfect ending" through our divorce. It didn't work and I finally realized that if I could have had the "perfect ending" to my marriage, I probably could have saved the marriage itself.

Take care of yourself first, last, and forever.

Send him a registered letter with his garage opener and a written resolution of what you will do to end any joint financial issues between you. Then block his phone and email and ask a dear friend or one of your twins to text you daily with a short message of support. You'll have something to look forward to, and you will be looking forward, not backward.

ShootingStar2