An interesting observation/experience
 

I went to a friend’s wedding this weekend. It was outside and got a bit cold and three of my male friends (strictly friends) offered their jackets. I had a super fun time talking and dancing with another male friend (strictly a friend). We were all drinking, but no one was out of control. We stayed until the end of the wedding, then went out to a bar afterwords (still everyone was in control). I could have gotten home myself, but my friend insisted on giving me a ride back to my apartment. No strings attached, nothing expected, just being a friend. Huh.

What I realized was that the whole time I was dating my ex, never once did I have a night like this. Never once was there a time where we went out and I could have a good time and not worry about whether or not he would be coherent at the end of the night or how we would get home. I couldn’t relax and enjoy the evening, because he’d always take it way to far if I wasn’t monitoring. Or even if I was, he’d find a way to sneak drinks. I can’t even imagine staying at a wedding until midnight and then going out the bar after and him not being a total ****show. I can’t imagine him caring if I was cold or not, especially after he started drinking. I can’t imagine being able to have a conversation with him at the end of the night. I can’t imagine him driving us back home at the end of the night. I can’t imagine HIM taking care of ME.

What is this where men who are just friends that I am not dating and am not interested in dating are making sure that I’m comfortable, and having a fun time, and that I get home ok???

How we settle for crumbs indeed.

WONDERFUL insight! I bet it feels good, freeing. I'm so happy for you.

Great insight! Thanks for sharing.

So true, and so enlightening.
Sounds like it was a nice time with good people.

I remember the first actual intellectual conversation I had with a sober man, following the break up with XA, An absolute breath of fresh air!!!

So glad you had nice day evening out, and what a great testimonial for those who have forgotten what a nice evening out is supposed to be. Good for you!

You reminded me of the fact my exah never once hugged me in 20 years of being together no matter what. It's good you have friends who can be a good yardstick for any future partner.

Remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you living life and being happy!!!

Don’t always overlook those guys you think you are not interested in dating. Those are the good guys the ones that one day you will view differently except by then, they will all be married! lol

So true atalose! I guess I didn't mean that I'm not interested in dating these guys, just that there was no romantic incentive at the time for them to act the way they did. They're just good guys :)

I'm just starting to feel that I may be ready to date again, so it's nice to have this reminder that there are a lot of good guys out there, and that it's not too much to ask to find a partner that respects and cares for me, and puts me above alcohol!

I'm so sorry for what you went through Ladybird. I can relate to the emotional disconnect with an alcoholic partner, but I can't imagine dealing with it for 20 years! I hope you find/have found a partner that treats you better!

It is so insane how our reality gets distorted!

Last year, I was at a wedding in a big city with my ex. We were at a bar after the wedding, early in the morning. I wasn't feeling well and I asked him if we could go back to the hotel, or at least if he could ride with me back. He was drunk and just said, "You can go, take an uber." The next day, I said that it would have been nice for him to come back to the hotel with me. He flipped out about how I never let him have fun with his friends (yet, he had come back to our hotel room completely trashed at 4 am the night before after hanging out with his old frat brothers). He said, “so I'm not chivalrous”, like because he said it, it made it ok. And I felt guilty, like how selfish of me to want him to come back to the hotel when he wanted to stay out. Ugh.

What a contrast between that night and this past weekend! It does feel great to have more evidence that I wasn't crazy, or controlling, or unreasonable, or selfish, or just no fun :)

I think it is this kind of experience you can have without it being
filtered through someone else's viewpoint that is so important
about staying single for a long while after the ending of a
relationship with addiction involved. So important to have these
experiences just for you to interpret and establish your own new
ideas of how a relationship should be ;)

when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic you are alone. more alone than when you are alone.

When we start seeing our worth,
we find it harder to be around people who don’t . ! !!!!!

This reminds me of a time we went to a music festival with two other couples. The other two couples were sitting close to each other sort of cuddling and listening to the music. My ex was wandering around the whole night, disappearing and returning more and more intoxicated. It is worse than being alone, knowing that the person you love is there, but not at all present. You want so badly to share your life with them, but it's impossible to do so.

What a great post Liz! Thanks for sharing this :-)

xx