AutumnMama

Something I struggle with a lot, and have been unsuccessfully trying to work out in therapy... is what I need to "own" as my fault in my relationship with my (R?)AH

I think my issue stems from the fear of being in denial about something. I'm afraid there's something wrong with me that I don't know about--the way that alcoholics convince themselves that nothing is wrong. ( I think watching my mother be completely in denial about her drinking problem, or deny the awful things she said/did to me while drinking, warped me as a pre-teen. I was just shocked someone could be so out of touch with reality, and maybe projected that fear onto myself?)

So I probably put too much weight on what OTHER PEOPLE see as being wrong with me, and less weight on what I see wrong with myself.

My husband thinks a big issue with our marriage is that I am too anxious, that I worry too much, that I am not happy enough. What if I am in denial about how anxious I am? Does that sound absurd? I DO worry about things, but I don't think I worry an extraordinary amount of the time. I also still do the things that I worry about--like flying, for instance. I hate flying, but I still do it when I'm required to (for work or vacation or something). I used to have extreme stage freight, but I joined a choir and took speaking/facilitation classes to force myself to be in front of people. I still hate it, but I can do it. I am probably a bit too protective of my toddler... but I am a first-time mother and I'm not any worse than most mothers I talk to.

I am just having trouble reconciling the person he is complaining about, and the way I feel about myself. That's when the 'what if I just cant see how bad I am..?" kicks in.

I will add that the last 6 months or so I had become exceedingly anxious, and not in a worry-wort sort of way, in a random panic attack kind of way. That was becoming unmanageable for me so I went to a doctor and discovered I had some underlying medical issues that could be causing it (thyroid, b12, anemic). And after being on medication for 3 weeks I feel a lot better. No more random anxiety! Just back to baseline.

But that isn't what my husband is complaining about. I feel like he wants me to be a different person. A bubbly cheerleader? Someone more like his mother? Me after I've had two glasses of wine? I have no idea. I am naturally a pretty serious person--I always have been... I am a nerdy introverted engineer, for heaven's sake!

What I think I need to own:

Whatever the f*** I just described above--lack of trust of myself?

Poor communicator--too scared of saying something if it will start a fight or make someone upset. Walking on eggshells. I'm working on this but I almost mentally shut down in a confrontational situation, so I don't think of what I want to say until after the person has already left and the situation is over! It takes a lot of effort/practice to stay present in the situation and not shut down.

Bad at setting boundaries-- although I feel like I have been getting better at this. Although, it's a lot easier when you live alone

SparkleKitty

Wouldn't it be great if your husband could concentrate on his OWN shortcomings instead of pointing out what he perceived to be yours?

There's open and honest communication, and then there's just being mean. Maybe the two of you are just incompatible.

AutumnMama

he doesn't have any problems, of course The only issue I've heard him owning up to is that he has issues handling himself when other people are upset. So if I am in a bad mood, he gets in a bad mood, and then I am made to feel guilty for his bad mood. Or if I'm anxious, he gets anxious, then it's my fault. Like, he has acknowledged that this is a problem, but he still keeps doing it...

And you are right--as it is today, we aren't compatible. I'm trying to figure out if there is any possibility of us being compatible in the future.

AnvilheadII

I'm curious.....does he attribute ANY marital problems on himself??? any? like the years of drinking and debauchery? the finger pointing and blame game?

he's still messing with your head. trying to keep you off balance so he has the upper hand, at least mentally. he has yet to honestly self-examine and humbly admit any errors or wrong doing on his part.

AutumnMama

Only the one I mentioned above. When he first went to counseling after the incident that made him quit drinking--he told me he was having problems coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't perfect. I started laughing because I thought it was a joke. It wasn't.

trailmix

He doesn't actually need to do anything about this does he since it's not really him! It's you and them and everyone else.

Or does he admit his reactions are out of line?

AutumnMama

The last argument we had, he started off a rant by admitting that he has issues with it, and then immediately launched into a lecture about how he needs me to be happy for us to work as a couple.

I tried to point out how that didn't make sense to me, but he didn't get it. I, admittedly, probably wasn't very forceful in making him see it.

In hindsight, him admitting it seems more of a way to get me to lower my defenses than any real confession. It gets me to back off a little bit, so he can get to the real root of what he thinks is the issue of our marriage--me.

SparkleKitty

But he doesn't think he needs to change. So if that is going to happen, he has been very clear that it is *YOU* who has to change.

I have stopped wasting my time with people who do not like me or cannot accept me as I am--because the truth is, the person they are truly unhappy with are themselves. I can't possibly change enough to satisfy them, because until *they* get good with themselves, there will *never* be any satisfying them.

You seem like a cool person to me, AutumnMama. I'd hate to see you twist yourself into knots chasing after some illusion that someone else thinks will save him.

trailmix

How you could begin to figure out what is yours to "own" in your relationship I honestly have no idea. When everything is deflected back at you, it's a one way conversation. How can you get to the root of any of the problems if you are the only one being honest that you might have played a role at all.

Sorry I don't have any great wisdom here but I very much agree with sparklekitty, it's about his view of himself, not about you here.

AutumnMama

I'm not sure I would know what someone trying to own up to their half of a relationship would even look like? I don't think I've ever experienced that in my entire life. That is sad!

Mango212

Hi AutumnMama,

Being away from the chaos helps immensely in seeing that more clearly. Nothing needs to be decided for the long term. One day at a time.

Is your therapist very familiar with addiction and recovery?

(((hugs)))

Sasha1972

Honestly, I would have laughed too. In fact I just did. “Coming to terms with the fact that [we aren’t] perfect” is a pretty good description of growing up. It sounds like he’s having trouble adulting (as the kids say).

LifeRecovery

Autumn-

I agree with what everyone wrote above.

For me, part of my codependent behavior was about trying to take on things that were not mine to begin with.

I did this to try and make the energy "smooth," in the room and in the case of my ExAH to try to give him no reason for participate in drinking.

My ex was not ready to look at his role in the problem, but I was also willing to try to take it all on.

What you are doing, and especially therapy really helped me in this. I still struggle at times, but for a while I thought I was going to sink under the figuring out mine/his.

maia1234

Autumn,
This is the line that I took from your post:

( I think watching my mother be completely in denial about her drinking problem, or deny the awful things she said/did to me while drinking, warped me as a pre-teen. I was just shocked someone could be so out of touch with reality, and maybe projected that fear onto myself?

You my friend went from an alcoholic mother to an alcoholic husband .... the typical codie!!! You are an adult child of an alcoholic parent, you can add that on to your resume. Always trying to please people who can never be pleased. I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you.

IMO, this is the whole issue.... you have lived this life forever. All the important people in your life are addicts (except your daughter but I will talk about her later). I think that you need to continue to work on your recovery of how you are special, important, worthy of love and respect, and that people (who loved you) have treat/ed you wrong and it needs to stop. You need to stop being blamed for other peoples unhappiness as you have enough on your plate with your issues. There is only so many hours in the day to take care of ourselves, let alone other people.

From what you have stated above, you have stepped up to many challenges in your life and worked on changing things you didn't like about yourself. Hooray for you for doing that. But trying to please other people is just impossible so you need to learn to let them be the miserable people they are. You need to learn to say I am sorry you feel that way and then just move on. Empower yourself and love yourself because I think you are an awesome , competent women!!

Now lets talk about your baby Autumn. She is your baby cub and you will do all conceivably possible for this child. That is a "healthy" moms job and you are healthy. You don't need to justify anything you do for her, but love her with all your heart and it sounds like you are doing that. This is something that you never got from your mom and you are going to make up for it with her. Bless you for wanting better for your child.

Keep moving forward momma..... you are doing a great job and your baby cub is too. You are worthy of so much!! I am proud of what you are doing and don't let anyone tell you different.

Big giant Hugs to you!!

theuncertainty

I'm interpreting that as he really does not want to allow you your true emotions. Something to consider might be if you give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Truly know that your emotions are just as important as his.

(((Hugs)))

trailmix

I've just read your post a couple of times. There are things that are wrong here and I don't think it's you.

So you have anxiety, so you are a more serious type of person, so you don't like to fly. So what! None of these are negative things per-se, this is the way you are.

Now I'm sure you don't like being anxious, none of us do. So you are fearful of a few things, so are most people. What have you done? You went to your Dr and got some things sorted out, you forced yourself to face some fears you have. Kudos to you for doing that.

What I'm saying is that you seem pretty self-aware. I think we all have things we work on, oh I should be more patient or perhaps think more before I speak or I shouldn't always rush people off the phone, whatever it is, most self aware people do that review.

A lot of a relationship is acceptance of the other person. Your Husband does sound like he wants you to change and that's not fair. The other thing is, if you were ms. cheerleader 24/7, how much do you want to bet that wouldn't be quite right either? Why are you so happy all the time!

You don't have to measure yourself by his yardstick or anyone elses, you are trying to be the best person you can be, what more can you do.

I would suggest relaxing a bit and just be yourself.

As for the confrontation, that's hard for many people but you know, just because someone puts you on the spot doesn't mean you have to participate on the spot. Something like, well that's a rather important topic, I'll have to think about that and come back to it in an hour or a day, whenever you see fit. Being caught off guard all the time isn't really fair.

To be absolutely honest, he sounds like a bully. Bully's work best in situations with people who are walking on eggshells and don't like confrontation. Generally when they are confronted they fizzle.

What is that?? Perhaps ponder, if you got to dictate exactly how you wanted everyone in your life to act and behave, wouldn't that be grand! That's not actually the way the world works, as you well know, apparently he does not, that's what understanding and empathy and learning about your partner is about. About accepting them for who they are, anxiety and happiness and nerdiness and all!