Feelings of vulnerability in relation to work
 

Tonight I showed a short film I made alongside other filmmakers work. This was its second screening. The premiere was a few months ago and it was great. I hadn't attached any expectations to it then. I was just very grateful to get it made and out there. And it was a very positve night and even won an award. But tonight's screening took place after learning yesterday that it's up for another award. You'd think I'd be really happy about this (and I was yesterday) but today before going out I felt very low in energy and just wanted to hide in my bed.

I didn't want to go to the screening. I didn't want to watch the film again as I knew I'd see mistakes. I didn't want to feel judged. But I felt obligated to go because family and friends were going and it is important to 'show up' at these things.

People responded positively but I still went home being very hard on myself for feeling so low and negative the entire night.

I read Daring Greatly a couple of weeks ago but tonight all her chat about self compassion went out the window. I just really wanted to be reassured by the closest people around me, and although they did try to reassure me. I just felt this void...and felt paranoid that everyone was judging and thinking it wasn't good enough or worthy of an award. I didn't say any of this to anyone but inside I felt very alone.

I think this is maybe something to do with not knowing how to seperate my value as a person from the value of my work. Perhaps I attach too much of who I am to my work ... I think this is good for the creative process but when it comes to sharing final results with anyone, it can be emotionally debilitating because I have this emotional investment into the work, and on top of that the expectation from others.

Any thoughts on this? Advice on how to soothe our inner child? And learning how to be our own fan in life? And not need validation from others?

I've gone off topic re exAlBf, but I feel this insecurity might be related to the kind of partners I've chosen and /or related to a feeling of lack of nurturing from my mum whilst growing up... I realise it's my mum who I really want reassurance from.

It'd be good to hear your thoughts x

This kind of thing hit me really hard in early recovery (alanon/therapy). It's getting much better.

A big part of it for me is giving up my previous ways of relating to other people and myself. Getting real with my emotions and core values, including false core beliefs about my worthiness, left me feeling very vulnerable. Using my voice in new ways and standing up for myself were completely at odds with how I felt about myself from abusive/toxic relationships, yet it's what helps me heal.

One day at a time.

One foot in front of the other.

Congratulations on your work and accomplishments. :)

Thank you mango... :) Yes this makes sense to start looking at my core values and making changes...

Alanon meetings and therapy are helping me... I noticed I was feeling more whole and more loving to myself and others this last week ... Until the work 'success'... and then the inner critic is unleashed full throttle and all this void!

A few years ago I ended up feeling depressed after getting an accolade for a project. I think it was the fear of failure, feelings of not being worthy, and around that same time my grandmother passed away so this triggered a kind of 'death crisis' I think....!, wondering what was the point of anything, and procrastinatig and didn't finish projects. Then when I finally pull myself out of that a few years later, i fall in love with an alchoholic...

But again put work at the centre... Either work or him. All or nothing in each area. And again, allow other areas of my life to slip. I.e. Fall away from seeing my friends and taking care of myself.

I would only see friends and family when I felt confident about work - so no nurtured support system.

I believe 'meaningful work' is one of my core values but I would like to not make this so self-focused.

I might start volunteering a couple of days in the week. I love animals so maybe I'll volunteer at an animal shelter, or a nature reserve or something like that... x

Surfbee…...have you and your therapist ever discussed doing Family or Origin work? This sort of thing almost always has the seeds planted in early development--in relation to one's caretakers.....
You certainly weren't born like this...….lol....

Hey dandylion, thanks for posting here.
Oh goodness, when you say I wasn't born like this, do you mean that you can tell I'm now really messed up? Lol! :)

My therapy did a timeline thing where I was asked to walk in a line from birth to the present day and I was asked to take her through the points of any trauma... There was quite a lot going on from an early age and I found myself crying loads... since then I've really only talked about my ex in other sessions so haven't really discussed my family... I've only had 4 therapy sessions so far.

Surfbee…..You triggered a memory of something that I don't know if will apply to you...or, not...?

At one time, my husband and I spent a few years in community theater....in addition to our usual day jobs. I did directing...as I am not a good actress...lol!
I can remember, that, after I had finished my first play....I felt kind of blah...which surprised me...because the p lay got really good reviews.....I thought that "over the moon" feeling would last....
Out of the blue, a woman who was a mentor to me, in the theater group, call me and asked me if I was feeling "blue", yet....I asked her "How did you know!?"
She said..."That happens to everyone, for a while after closing."

Who knew?

I suppose that it makes sense, though...because, for months, one lives off of the adrenalin...and the creative high, and the fun of the grueling work....and, then, BAM--nothing. It must be sort of like someone who is using cocaine, every day and then goes off of it---cold turkey---and, we all know what a let down that is.....it really messes with the neurotransmitters in the brain.....

Surfbee...heavens, NO.....I am not saying you are "messed up" …...any more than the rest of the human population...lol....
There is a an old saying...."We don't really grow up until we overcome what our parents did to us".....

did I hear you say that you are a "perfectionist"...? (it might have been someone else)….
Another saying is----"Every perfectionist has endured an imperfect childhood"....

Wow wow... Yes, this completely relates. It's very good to hear this thanks for sharing. That's cool you directed a play, and one that was received well. :)

Yes "what goes up must come down"...

Comparing the creative high to cocaine makes total sense. it is so addictive...and feels like nothing else matters when in that zone.

The last few weeks post break-up with my ex, I spent most of that time grieving him but now that he's returned to me I'm seeing that he isn't the key to my happiness. And I'm now grieving my own inner loss if that makes sense. Lol

I've noticed that I've been pretty addicted to drama... Creativity, extreme highs and lows... surfing can be quite anxiety inducing too. I want to find ways to balance me more... And doesn't involve work and guys!

haha! Good thank god, this is reassuring.

Haven't heard this saying before...!

Woah! Yes I can be a perfectionist...and it has gotten worse over the years I've noticed. And yet I can be really gentle and kind to strangers! Often putting others on a pedestal ... hmmm

My step dad is a bit of a critic and a pusher I'm realising.... He helped raise me from the age of two and was very strict about us houses chores every day after school. This was a complete contrast to my read dad who would let us away with murder! lol

My step dad is very caring and supportive but can be hard on pushing me to succeed (don't think he realises how hard)..... and I think because his career in football fell apart due to injury, he puts a lot on me... "don't let anyone pull you back from your work" , "It's all about YOU"...
"don't let anyone get in the way of your dreams", "it'll take a certain type of guy to handle you" ... "don't settle for anyone", "live your dreams" ...all this kind of thing. My real dad's focus is more on my older sister and her new daughter... I'd say she is more his favourite daughter... or he is on more of a level with her. As for my mum - she was sexually abused sadly when she was 3 years old (by non-biological grandad) and she numbs herself with drink as and when she needs. We all had some very bad years of her heavy drinking whilst I was a teenager up to my late twenties. But she's cut right down now thankfully. Although her anger can be triggered so easily! All three parents are very fiery - lots of hostile arguments in both households. I'd say my family is very loving but also can be toxic ...sadly.

Edit - feels bit uncomfortable putting this out here but just trying to work out what I need to look at...maybe someone can relate.

Surfbee…..On, I am sure that lots of us can relate to your experiences as well as the feelings that are associated....
Have you ever read any of the literature of ACOA ….Adult Children of Alcoholics....you can order their big book on amazon.com.

Haven't read any literature on this subject no.

I searched on amazon and found these titles:

The ACOA Trauma Syndrome by Tian Ph.D

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition by Janet G. Woititz

I'll order one today !

I think intense concentration on work is pretty common as a coping mechanism when relationships (with family of origin, with partner, whoever) aren’t working out. I recall reading somewhere about the balance between attachment (who we are connected to) and achievement (what we do). If one area is not going well, we may respond by doubling down on the other. It’s not necessarily a bad coming mechanism, as long as we can retain our own identity (I am not defined solely by my relationship to other people, and I am not defined solely by what I accomplish). I’ve definitely overdone it on the “achievement” side, and while that has brought rewards in many ways (good job, interesting work, respect from peers), it also has its pitfalls (am I worth anything apart from work?).

Whenever I do receive praise for something, whatever good feeling I have can be immediately sabotaged by my own voice. I love it AND hate it when I'm publicly praised for my work - it's like being thrown into the washing machine in heavy duty cycle. "Wow, they really like my stuff" turns into "just wait until the criticism begins."

My parents are very loving towards me, but they're also never satisfied with what I do achieve. Did I get quoted in a local paper? Well it wasn't a national newspaper. Did I get quoted in a national newspaper? Yes, but it had nothing to do with work. I got my graduate degree from a prestigious university, and at graduation my father was bemoaning the fact that I hadn't received it ten years earlier (maybe because he had never completed his own graduate degree? Who knows?). It's like the only achievements that matter are the ones I never got. And yes, there was the time that my mom trucked me over to a plastic surgeon because my nose was too ugly. That didn't turn out too well - I pitched a fit in the reception area.

The flip side of this is that once I realized that I would never make them happy, I had the freedom to choose whatever I wanted. But even though I KNOW they're being ridiculous, their voices still ping pong inside my head. And I have to go through this whole routine whenever I receive attention so I don't go straight into an anxiety attack.

A dear friend of mine once told me years ago, "You're afraid of success. As soon as it shows up, you just want to close the door." And at the time I dismissed the idea - but as I write this post, I'm beginning to think that he's right.

Oh how it gets jumbled up! Your work achievement has a flow down to other relationships, oh if it were just more simple.

I think you hit the nail on the head here with the insecurity and needing outside validation. Realistically I think you have to look at why you do what you do. Creative work can be more about putting yourself out there, of course, because you are given artistic license which is personal while those of us that work in more structured environments have real goals and metrics to achieve. Most of my work is not subjective, for instance.

That said, once you have completed your work, although you do have an emotional attachment, isn't that the time to let it go and let it fly out there? It honestly does not matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy with it (and maybe if you aren't even 100 percent happy with it, it is what it is supposed to be).

People will always have differing views on a number of things, whether that's art or cars or drinking, that's not yours to own, you don't need to take it on. Your opinion of any one of these things is just as valid as the next persons. People come at things from different perspectives. Someone just posted in another thread about observing people in her life that had lived through WW2. Their perspective on things is different than those born afterward. Does that make their opinion of things "more" right or wrong? No, just different based on their experiences.

We talk about self care but you know, it's not easy. We talk about meditation and yoga and manicures and visiting family and baking a cake but the truth is when you are busy with work and a relationship (particularly one that is emotionally draining) it's tough to juggle all that. It needs to have a priority, it needs to be on the daily schedule, it will not just "happen". It can't be, well once I finish this and see him and have dinner and pick up this and that - THEN I will do something for myself.

Looking after yourself (because that is what it really is) is not always easy. It APPEARS to be when we say it, since you are with yourself all the time lol - but it's not, you have to make it an absolute priority in your life.

Self TLC is important. Yes, it can be easy. This disease of skewed thinking tells us it's hard, and as we keep beating on that drum and staying in that rhythm, it will be.

There is an ease to allowing good things to happen vs. forcing them. When I first started experiencing this, what I've also heard referred to as 'being in the flow', I wound up going floating on the river and had the aha! moment of "it's just like this!". Walking against the current, trying to gain footing and using all my energy **against** this was so much harder than the fun of laying down on the current, in a tube or on my back directly in the water, and enjoying 'going with the flow'.

Getting flowers for myself or a massage can be in the flow, or against the current. There can be mind-body-spirit connections there that can be absolutely healing. Having time with my alcoholic loved one is the same way. It's not logical.

Things that help me find ease: listening to my instincts, looking for the good in life, a recovery meeting, therapy sessions, doing things that are both healthy and fun.

The more positive, fun goodness I learn to allow in my life, the quicker all the rest of the stuff tends to work out. Yes, sometimes that part hurts. It gets worked through, I survive, I get stronger. Life is good.

Hey Surfbee,

I think the way you are feeling about work right now, and this type of void or maybe uncertainty of purpose seems relatively normal after the drama of an alcoholic relationship. I think we just invest so much emotionally in the alcoholic relationship and we don't realize how big of a part of ourself and how we value ourself the relationship has become. I definitely felt "lost" for a long time during and after my breakup. Even though I have a ton of great things in my life, I would lay in bed thinking, why am I even here? Nothing is good. Nothing is right. It's such a crappy way to feel, especially when rationally, you know that most things in life are fine and then you feel guilty for being so unappreciative of the good things. It's just a mess.

While you may not directly attribute how you are feeling about your work to your relationship, I think it’s all intertwined. I know that you are very hopeful about your relationship and there is a definite possibility that it will work out in the future, but do you think that you can sort put it aside for a few months and give yourself time concentrate on yourself? What helped first and foremost for me was to stop contact completely with my ex. What I realized was that it didn't matter what he did or didn't do, the problem was now mine and what the relationship had done to me. I felt like in order to start to fix some of these negative feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt I had to be done with that relationship. You wrote:

The last few weeks post break-up with my ex, I spent most of that time grieving him but now that he's returned to me I'm seeing that he isn't the key to my happiness.

I don’t mean to be too blunt here, but in another post you wrote that you had been feeling much happier since you talked to your ex and he agreed to go to AA, etc., so it does seem like his decisions are still really affecting your happiness. You were grieving when he left and now you are happy because he’s returned…

My personal opinion, which I can only base off what was/is true for me, is that I could not truly focus on healing myself and re-building my self-esteem and figuring out what my own needs actually are and learning that it’s ok to put my own needs first sometimes, etc. while my ex was still in the picture. Even if he was recovering. In fact, I couldn’t even be thinking about any romantic relationship at all. I needed to be 100% invested in me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a way where I was able to listen to myself and become attuned again to my own feelings and emotions and boundaries, and not pushing them aside as we can often do in a relationship.

And, like others have commented, just take it one day at a time. I don’t think there is any instantaneous cure to unhappiness or anxiety or uncertainty, but just because you are not happy or completely fulfilled right now, doesn’t mean you never will be.

Thanks Sasha, really appreciate this insight... I've definitely felt this "am I worth anything apart from work?"

yep!! It's a great feeling initially (whilst the buzz is high!) and then it's oh no "everyone is going to judge me now!" ...

Do you think that it's because of your parents being critical that it has made you very driven in your work? I'm sure it'll be down to several factors... parents, environment, personality... But it is interesting for me to explore this a bit deeper now... even although my parents don't see themselves as being critical or pushing or expecting... I can really see now that they were... each of them in their own different ways.

Fear of success! yup...!

I think until this break up with my alcoholic ex, I didn't realise I was suffering from anxiety in relation to him or in relation to family... I just thought everyone was getting more and more messed up, and they were making me go mad. I'd become obsessed with their problems... and there'd be this growing resentment.

And so work was my security, my escape. It is the place where I have the ultimate control to solve problems and control "the story",.. I can go wild here and it's okay because it's "my story".

If I can't control other people and situations in real life, at least I get to do it in my imagined worlds.

And so relationships and family... that always felt outside my control, created anxiety... and I'd been seriously triggered in both areas for years .... I just didn't see it as "anxiety"... I'm only really discovering this now... anxiety had been building up in the background.... and so my inner critic got louder .... and now it has effected my attitude towards 'achievement'... I think I got my first anxiety attack a few nights ago! Or at least, it was the first time I recognised it as an "anxiety attack".

The good thing about recognising what it was, was that it allowed me to sit with it... and not dismiss the root of it... basically I got a gut feeling about a decision I was trying to make... the gut feeling felt right... but I then mentally beat myself up for being happy with the gut feeling... !! and so this horrible guilt ensued! And I almost went against my gut feeling because going with my gut in relation to this type of decision felt so foreign to me.... so... after calming down.. deep breaths... I decided that the guilt was in fact unearned, and my gut feeling was good. :-)

More balance is what I need.... more slowing down and tuning in. And be more gentle on myself ...so I can enjoy good things when they happen...

Typically though when I start feeling happy - the thoughts that pops up are: "oh how long is this going to last?" and "something bad will happen now because I'm happy!!!" ... so I'm going to remind myself of "this is anxiety....slowwwww down surfbee... it's okay... i'm allowed to enjoy this...deep breath... calm" or something along those lines! lol, I'm working on my new inner script .

This is GOOD ADVICE. Just "let it fly" ....and "it is what it is supposed to be" - this is the soul voice talking here for me... and sometimes I have these positive centred moments where I think like this....

and then that little inner critic / inner chimp / old reptile brain / inner child / little gremins (I've been learning lots of new terms for the inner critic , lol ) ...says "hang on... you suck!!!" kicks in ... and can get really loud... but learning now to recognise what that voice is... and get to the root of why it's there... and learn to have a nice inner dialogue with the inner critic... "no ... you don't suck... you're just worried about ... x y z because... and why are you worried about this... etc etc... " and see the inner critic as a companion not an enemy...

Yes, live and let live. Let others think what they think. This is what makes life interesting.

I agree ... making self care an absolute priority ! I look forward to starting fresh new day tomorrow... :tyou

This resonates... I feel his decisions are still affecting my happiness...

You know Liz... this makes total sense... he really started to get that stressy blamey way again a few days ago and I could feel myself feeling that triggered way... I could feel "the fog" again... and so I backed right off... I went home and stayed with my parents for a couple of nights and I felt all the better for it. I felt OKAY ... not great, but okay and calm. If this had been months ago I'd have been in turmoil.

It is so easy to feel myself crumble whenever we have a fall but now I can see that I won't crumble... I think I'm learning to honour my needs more... but yes.... i still have more work to do on me... and I'm doubting whether I can do this work whilst with him.

The good thing is though is that I have a support network now - al-anon, therapy, you guys here on SR.. I feel like I'm getting better at trusting myself... and what I'm finding is that I don't want to be around him AT ALL when he's stressed out. Before I'd be on his back, chasing him, questioning what's up... now I'm just staying away...but whether this is the kind of relationship I want going forward.....this is what I'm looking at now more carefully... thanks for your feedback... it's great you've come through your pain and you're now in a much stronger place!

:tyou