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Feelings of vulnerability in relation to work

Old 10-04-2018, 05:53 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Things that help me find ease: listening to my instincts, looking for the good in life, a recovery meeting, therapy sessions, doing things that are both healthy and fun.
All the good things! I love my therapy sessions and al-anon ... ! thank you mango!
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trailmix (10-04-2018)
Old 10-04-2018, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Surfbee View Post
You know Liz... this makes total sense... he really started to get that stressy blamey way again a few days ago and I could feel myself feeling that triggered way... I could feel "the fog" again... and so I backed right off... I went home and stayed with my parents for a couple of nights and I felt all the better for it. I felt OKAY ... not great, but okay and calm. If this had been months ago I'd have been in turmoil.
This is actually great. You saw what was happening and detached, that's terrific really. Not for the relationship, not for him, but for you! That's where that whole focusing on taking care of yourself kicks in and that's what you are doing and that should make you feel good.

You weren't in turmoil because you now know him getting that way has nothing to do with you really. That's where the no-contact can be so helpful. It doesn't have to be forever, that's up to the individual but taking time and space to get grounded is so important.

I'm happy for you.
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Old 10-04-2018, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
This is actually great. You saw what was happening and detached, that's terrific really. Not for the relationship, not for him, but for you! That's where that whole focusing on taking care of yourself kicks in and that's what you are doing and that should make you feel good.

You weren't in turmoil because you now know him getting that way has nothing to do with you really. That's where the no-contact can be so helpful. It doesn't have to be forever, that's up to the individual but taking time and space to get grounded is so important.

I'm happy for you.
aaaa....thanks ...nice to hear this... yes , initially before I went to my mum's there was a moment of "here we go again... okay so I'm going to stay in bed for the next two days..." but a little voice said no, go and be around people who love you and so it felt right to see my mum ... (even although I was slightly anxious about seeing family - because they can be quite unpredictable too lol - ) but I figured that I'd be able to handle them now by basically not rising to anything... and so we ended up having a nice time. I shopped online for a dress and had a nice bubble bath, watched stand-up comedy... journalled and read my new book... there was a moment where I thought to myself " hey I'm not crying inside ! I feel okay! " even my stepdad commented on how different I seemed in comparison to previous fall outs I've had with my ex.

And it's interesting how much easier the atmosphere was at home... when I don't react to family's frustrations .. life is a lot more simple and stress free !
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:59 AM
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I think you'd get something out of reading "Perfect Daughters" by Ackerman (I think?). It breaks down how ACOA girls specifically respond to having addict parents & the differences in them when addiction shows up in mom vs dad, before or during our childhoods, etc. (so, my dad was an addict long before I was born & my "damage" may show in different behaviors than another girl with an addict father who didn't start drinking until her early teens.)

The sections that resonate may help tremendously to give you a starting point with your ACOA work. 7 years in on my recovery & this is still the biggest obstacle for me despite all the successful IC work I've done. I still remember reading this book & thinking how few total pages related specifically to me, but how they were also saturated with my tears because it was so, so accurate to my life experience. It helped me see myself from a new perspective & start separating my inherent qualities from learned behaviors. (including things like strength, confidence, etc.)

Your time is MUCH better spent here vs. figuring out what is happening in your ex's recovery/path - for me, this is where the REAL changes happened for me as a person.
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Old 10-05-2018, 09:21 AM
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Growing up, my older sister (by 7 years) was very beautiful and she modeled locally. (It might as well have been Vanity Fair, though, for the big deal my mom made of it!) I was always envious of the big fuss my mother made about her.

My gift was academics. An early test at school in 1st grade deemed me borderline genius and I was placed in a gifted program. That's where my praise came from. If I got a "B", my father would always say "That's great, but what could you have done to make an "A"? At one point, in 4th grade, my teacher had to have a conversation with my mother because I got a panic attack for getting a "C" or "B" on a test. I was a perfectionist.

Now I'm 38 and I can see how this has manifested itself in my adult life. I have what my husband calls "performance anxiety". If I feel like I am doing something less than perfect, I will fall apart. I will beat myself up...no need for anyone to criticize me; I am already taking care of it internally, I promise you!

I am young in my recognition of this, so I don't have any sage words of advice. I just wanted you to know that I relate. In the same way you are wanting that validation of your mother, I desire that from my father (my mother is dead) and the people closest to me. I drink it up like a thirsty plant. Learning how to self-validate is going to be an interesting journey.
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