Helping a loved one through
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Helping a loved one through
Looking for advice on what to say when a loved one in early recovery feels depressed and full of guilt and shame for the past. I’m trying to be supportive and tell them to look forward and concentrate on the new life they are creating for themselves. Any advice would be helpful. The loved one is going to meetings and working the steps but the feelings are not subsiding.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
My RAH is going through that right now. He says he just can't forgive himself for what he's done to his family, and that he doesn't deserve to be happy. Nothing we can do will help them, but reaching out to a fellow AA person, or their sponser, is most helpful for them.
That's what's helping my RAH right now, spending extra time with his sponser. They have to reach out for help, and like getting sober, they won't/can't do that until they are ready. It's hard watching them suffer like that! All you can do is reassure them of your love for them, despite what happened in the past.
That's what's helping my RAH right now, spending extra time with his sponser. They have to reach out for help, and like getting sober, they won't/can't do that until they are ready. It's hard watching them suffer like that! All you can do is reassure them of your love for them, despite what happened in the past.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
The loved one is going to meetings and working the steps but the feelings are not subsiding.
Amends don't necessarily mean writing a letter to everyone he ever harmed to offer an apology, but of course some apologies might be due and once he is truly in recovery that can be accomplished. Once he is in recovery he will also have an opportunity to help others, which is also another way to make amends.
Another thing to look at is the fact that he may have guilt for things he hasn't spoken about (perhaps spoken to a therapist about) and that's on his mind. Hopefully he has someone he can trust and encouraging him to be completely honest might be helpful as well.
I hope he starts feeling better about everything soon.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I think the attitude you are taking is a good one Hummingbird.
My husband went through something similar when he was early in recovery. It lasted a while and he also cycled through memories and past events multiple times as his brain healed, memories and emotions shifted.
I did a lot of listening. Many of the things that troubled him, well it was not so much about the act of drinking/drugging but instead was about how he had went against his own set of values, events that he handled poorly, looking back and seeing how out of control he was, relationships he damaged, mistakes he made that caused regret. Things along these lines. Pulling on my own life experiences, it seemed fairly easy to relate. Discussing things in a non-judgmental way made these types of things possible.
My husband also had a very good therapist. I think support groups can be helpful, but people can only share from their own experiences based on their own set of values, beliefs, etc. I did therapy and I found it to be a more efficient approach. If your loved one isn't in therapy, maybe this is a suggestion you could make?
My husband also saw his Dr and went on anti-depressants.
And last, when there were past issues between us that were causing the pain. I tried to talk through them sharing my feelings as best I could. I had to get my own emotions under control in order to do this. And at one point, it was suggested we do family therapy which helped a lot.
Creating NEW life experiences, new memories, tackling one thing at a time from the past, changing what you can, accepting what you cant, making amends, saying Im sorry, asking forgiveness in certain situations, doing the next right thing. The relationship with my husband began to grow again, when we began to make new memories, rebuild trust, and started to reclaim our core values and beliefs. (I lost mine too because I was in a dark place, made many mistakes, regretted a lot of things I said, did. Lost myself).
My husband went through something similar when he was early in recovery. It lasted a while and he also cycled through memories and past events multiple times as his brain healed, memories and emotions shifted.
I did a lot of listening. Many of the things that troubled him, well it was not so much about the act of drinking/drugging but instead was about how he had went against his own set of values, events that he handled poorly, looking back and seeing how out of control he was, relationships he damaged, mistakes he made that caused regret. Things along these lines. Pulling on my own life experiences, it seemed fairly easy to relate. Discussing things in a non-judgmental way made these types of things possible.
My husband also had a very good therapist. I think support groups can be helpful, but people can only share from their own experiences based on their own set of values, beliefs, etc. I did therapy and I found it to be a more efficient approach. If your loved one isn't in therapy, maybe this is a suggestion you could make?
My husband also saw his Dr and went on anti-depressants.
And last, when there were past issues between us that were causing the pain. I tried to talk through them sharing my feelings as best I could. I had to get my own emotions under control in order to do this. And at one point, it was suggested we do family therapy which helped a lot.
Creating NEW life experiences, new memories, tackling one thing at a time from the past, changing what you can, accepting what you cant, making amends, saying Im sorry, asking forgiveness in certain situations, doing the next right thing. The relationship with my husband began to grow again, when we began to make new memories, rebuild trust, and started to reclaim our core values and beliefs. (I lost mine too because I was in a dark place, made many mistakes, regretted a lot of things I said, did. Lost myself).
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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It will take time for your family member to work through all of this. This is still fairly early in the recovery process, right? A few weeks?
Is counseling and treatment for depression something that your family member would consider?
In my own life, I've come to realize that dwelling on how *I* feel about hurting someone is self-centered. I should be caring about how the other person feels and what, if anything, I can do to repair that.
My stepson has done a lot of horrible things, and he has never been sober long enough to get to a point of acknowledging them. If he did, I would tell him that acceptance is really the only path forward. Yes, you did all those things. That's who you used to be, but you are working on becoming something so much better.
Is counseling and treatment for depression something that your family member would consider?
In my own life, I've come to realize that dwelling on how *I* feel about hurting someone is self-centered. I should be caring about how the other person feels and what, if anything, I can do to repair that.
My stepson has done a lot of horrible things, and he has never been sober long enough to get to a point of acknowledging them. If he did, I would tell him that acceptance is really the only path forward. Yes, you did all those things. That's who you used to be, but you are working on becoming something so much better.
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