I thought I'd worked on myself ...now look!
 

Hi everyone
I've had a long history with an alcoholic father,boss and various lovers.
I made a huge effort to change my life.
I joined al anon
I changed my job
I changed my friends and did what I thought was a lot of hard work.
Fast forward to now ,I meet someone and think he's nice.
I make some enquiries and I find out from a colleague the guy in question has a drink problem and barely eats but holds down a very responsible job.
How did I manage to find another guy with drink issues again??
Is it me or something im doing wrong or are there just more people with drink problems than i know??
X

spookyboo…...at the risk of sounding glib---If you are going to go fishing, you had better be prepared to throw some of them back.....

Lots of people have attractive qualities that cause us to be drawn to them....interested in them....And...they may be very talented and capable in some areas of their lives...
The whole point of dating is to get to know a person better.....by spending time with them and being inquisitive.....

So, you find out the red flags, early on....good...
It happens to all of us....
Why assume that it is something wrong with YOU?

I am in no way going to give advice, as I am not in a position to. My understanding is that its about noticing the red flags quicker and sooner and being able to set boundaries appropriately.

Last time around, red flags were kicking off all over the place, and I basically wrapped myself around those flags and made them my home! 🙄

According to melody beattie in her book, if we have history/been around alcoholics a lot, we became vibrationally familiar with them. Apparently then, as adults, even subconsciously, we notice/pick out/are drawn to people, even without or conscious knowing, who vibrationally feel familiar!!! How crazy is that...it blows me away every time I read it.

Spook,

It takes a strong non drinking person to date a heavy drinker.

But, you get front row seats, as the sober one, on the negative effects of booze.

If you are looking long term, you might save this person.s life.

Them seeing you live a quality life might change them.

That is part of how I stay sober. Sober role models.

But, we all know..they can only change themselves.

If anyone knows how to deal w a drunk, it is an ex drunk.

That has some merrit. But, do you like the person enough to risk all the frustration and suffering you will likely face?

Thanks.

To me, it doesn't sound like a problem with you at all.

It sounds like you have learned enough about yourself and your past to recognize behaviors you don't want around you. That sounds like progress to me!

It doesn't really matter how many drinkers there are out there. There are plenty of other people who don't.

You are doing great, keep it up!

Thanks very much for your reply
I don't know yet is the answer to your question but I like what you've said
Very wise X

Thanks so much for the encouragement it's appreciated x

So true what you say about vibes
I'm going to keep that in mind.
It's vibes that get people together in the first place though
Interesting thank you x
I

Thanks dandylion

You're always there with great advice x

I could walk into a room filled with 300 men and the one I’m most attracted to, yup, would turn out to be an alcoholic or addict so you are alone when it comes to this.

I agree with SmallButMighty, it’s not really a problem when you can spot the red flags right away and know the person is not going to be a good fit for you.

You changed your life, you joined al-anon, changed job, changed friends and worked hard to have a healthier life and all that hard work is paying off.

I also think dandylion makes a great point about going fishing (dating) and being prepared to throw some back! That is what healthy dating is all about.

So when you ask, is it me or something I am doing wrong the answer is NO, it’s that you are doing all the right things which probably does not feel so right yet but know they are.

Spooky......if you are really interested in this subject of why we are attracted to certain people....and, want to delve into it....I suggest that you read up on Imago Theory...which was first put forth by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. He is well known in the field of psychology and has written many books....
It is very interesting and thought provoking stuff....
You can find his books on amazon.com (type in "Imago Theory and attraction")...
I read a lot about it, several years ago...and I found it very revealing and accurate, as relating to me...

There was a time, back in my dating life that one could draw a profile of the "type" that I was attracted to....Like atalose said...my antenna could pick the one out of a room of 300 men...lol....
Now...I know why...and, by the way, I recognize that that type is not good for me, in the long run.....

The "twist", as explained in Imago Theory is that we are attracted to a set of positive and Negative attributes (based on the significant people in our lives, as we were growing up)....and, it is the Negative ones that are the most important and the ones that get us into the most trouble...lol....

I second this!

I personally just think addiction is much more of a rampant problem than people realize in general.

Ok x

Hi dandelion
I had a read on the subject today.
It's probably true but I've got to get past this and quick x

Thanks for the reply!
I'd like to think you're right cos it takes the focus off me lol. It's such a shame.
It's the first time in ages I've liked anyone.
Oh Well x

When my ex-fiance walked out on me in '99, I made the decision that there would be no more marriages/relationships/dating until I did some serious soul-searching. It had to have been 15 years later when I had some experiences with dating.

The one fellow was 2 years sober, everyone liked him, and I enjoyed his company. However, at the end of the day, I was glad to come home. I didn't have a burning desire to jump into a relationship, move in with him, have sex with him right away, nothing! Now that was progress for me. Guess what? He ended up relapsing, and I was so glad that things really didn't pan out for us anyway.

The second fellow was a former two-fisted drinker who had to quit drinking due to almost dying from pancreatitis. Everything was about him. He invited me out for Valentine's Day, and that will forever be imprinted in my mind as the Valentine's Day from hell! :lmao

The point is I have made tremendous progress in working on myself, and so have you. Give yourself some credit! Proud of you, gal. Sending hugs of support from Kansas! :hug:

It stinks, however, I am happy you found out now and not much later down the road.