Advice requested re: personal belongings
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Advice requested re: personal belongings
Hello!
I left my XABF in late July - it was very messy. He had lost his job and was going to move in with me, but mid-move I had a visceral reaction and knew I couldn’t let him. He stayed in his apartment, and only took back those things I dropped off (what I could physically carry). He has a bed frame at my house, and some furniture in a storage unit I share with my dad.
I had to go no-contact, but opened up communication to try to make arrangements for him to get his things. He picked up one small item from the storage unit, and that’s it.
We had been getting along very cordially for a couple of weeks, but last night he got drunk again. No need to tell you how that turned out - I’ll bet you can guess. He texted at one point that I should throw out his stuff - he doesn’t need it.
One thing is a king sized bed frame. He has the mattress (on the floor). I’ve told him previously that I will put everything in the storage unit (that he has the key to) and give him a week to get it, then the locks will be changed.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do in this situation? If he doesn’t get his stuff how should I proceed? I do not want to see him in person, and he lives in an apartment so I can’t just drop stuff off on his lawn. Obviously I want to avoid negative legal ramifications...
Thanks in advance for any insights given.
I left my XABF in late July - it was very messy. He had lost his job and was going to move in with me, but mid-move I had a visceral reaction and knew I couldn’t let him. He stayed in his apartment, and only took back those things I dropped off (what I could physically carry). He has a bed frame at my house, and some furniture in a storage unit I share with my dad.
I had to go no-contact, but opened up communication to try to make arrangements for him to get his things. He picked up one small item from the storage unit, and that’s it.
We had been getting along very cordially for a couple of weeks, but last night he got drunk again. No need to tell you how that turned out - I’ll bet you can guess. He texted at one point that I should throw out his stuff - he doesn’t need it.
One thing is a king sized bed frame. He has the mattress (on the floor). I’ve told him previously that I will put everything in the storage unit (that he has the key to) and give him a week to get it, then the locks will be changed.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do in this situation? If he doesn’t get his stuff how should I proceed? I do not want to see him in person, and he lives in an apartment so I can’t just drop stuff off on his lawn. Obviously I want to avoid negative legal ramifications...
Thanks in advance for any insights given.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do in this situation?
He texted at one point that I should throw out his stuff - he doesn’t need it.
He texted at one point that I should throw out his stuff - he doesn’t need it.
And it does sound like you care more about his “stuff” then he does. It’s been months that you’ve been broken up, he came and got the one thing he really wanted and left the rest for you to deal with. Throw it out so that you can fully move on in life. Holding onto his stuff, the stuff he really doesn’t care about might be a way you are still trying to hold onto him.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My exah left a whole workshop of machinery and power tools when we split up and I gave him endless solutions for it to be moved. He refused to do anything about the stuff so I gave it all to a veterans charity for them to teach carpentry skills to vets. He was absolutely furious 6 months later when he surfaced and realised but he learnt a lesson. Move it or lose it.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Sometimes the very reason they leave stuff around is so they can still be in your life. When I finally had enough and I was just done with him, I packed all his things, paid for one month storage to put it all in, and sent him a text message photo of where his things were letting him know there was an opening large enough where I put the key so he can grab it. And that he had a month to get it. He did end up picking it all up, but the nice part is that when I rented it I did it in his name, his phone, his address, etc. so if the month came and went then he would deal with it himself. It was totally out of my hands.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This. And keep that text that says to throw it out as proof.
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
I think your solution is fine.
He has a week to get his stuff. After that, do what you want with it.
Sounds like he doesn’t care about the furniture, etc.
He has a week to get his stuff. After that, do what you want with it.
Sounds like he doesn’t care about the furniture, etc.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by atalose
I believe he answered your question on what to do with his stuff, throw it out.
And it does sound like you care more about his “stuff” then he does. It’s been months that you’ve been broken up, he came and got the one thing he really wanted and left the rest for you to deal with. Throw it out so that you can fully move on in life. Holding onto his stuff, the stuff he really doesn’t care about might be a way you are still trying to hold onto him.
And it does sound like you care more about his “stuff” then he does. It’s been months that you’ve been broken up, he came and got the one thing he really wanted and left the rest for you to deal with. Throw it out so that you can fully move on in life. Holding onto his stuff, the stuff he really doesn’t care about might be a way you are still trying to hold onto him.
I think that people are right - he's using it as an excuse to have an "in" to be in contact with me. I think I will write a letter and tell him that he has 2 weeks from the date of the letter to get his things or they will be donated to charity.
Thanks all for the responses!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Mellybug,
No Contact is exactly that. None.
My husband, in active alcoholism, tries to draw me in or get a response from me.
Moving on without further contact is okay. Trust your instincts instead of logic. If your instincts are saying to break No Contact, maybe there's a good reason.
Your ex has already said he doesn't want these things. If you don't trust his words, trust the actions of not making any attempt to get them back.
Yes, he may be mad in the future. It's not personal. It's part of the disease. There will be something to be mad about, no matter what happens.
No Contact is exactly that. None.
My husband, in active alcoholism, tries to draw me in or get a response from me.
Moving on without further contact is okay. Trust your instincts instead of logic. If your instincts are saying to break No Contact, maybe there's a good reason.
Your ex has already said he doesn't want these things. If you don't trust his words, trust the actions of not making any attempt to get them back.
Yes, he may be mad in the future. It's not personal. It's part of the disease. There will be something to be mad about, no matter what happens.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I’ve told him previously that I will put everything in the storage unit (that he has the key to) and give him a week to get it, then the locks will be changed.
Would this work for you? Sounds like a good idea, if you trust him to not take anything else.
Would this work for you? Sounds like a good idea, if you trust him to not take anything else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
- he always plays the victim in every circumstance
No contact is just that, NO CONTACT, no letters, no text messages, nothing!
You already broke no contact regarding making arrangements for him to get his STUFF.
He responded by getting what he wanted from his STUFF, he chose to leave the rest.
You chose to remain in contact with him then he got drunk, the subject of his stuff was brought up and he responded with throw it out.
But now you want to break no contact AGAIN to talk about his STUFF. He’s told you, he’s shown you, why can’t you just accept that and get rid of it all and be done?
At this point I’m not seeing it as him using it as an excuse to have as an “in”.
Maybe it’s time to begin being “fair” to yourself !!!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I completely agree with atalose, and I just want to be honest with you because I see so much of myself when I was trying to end things with my AXBF in your post. Even when I was "leaving" and "going no contact," I was always finding little ways to keep one foot in the door.
You already asked him what he wants to do with his stuff. He told you to throw it away. As others have noted, if you keep the text conversation, there should be no legal ramifications.
Is it possible that you want to give him "another two weeks" so that you can have another two weeks? Is it possible you're trying to keep one foot in the door here? If you truly want it to be over, no contact means no contact.
I know this is hard, and my heart goes out to you.
You already asked him what he wants to do with his stuff. He told you to throw it away. As others have noted, if you keep the text conversation, there should be no legal ramifications.
Is it possible that you want to give him "another two weeks" so that you can have another two weeks? Is it possible you're trying to keep one foot in the door here? If you truly want it to be over, no contact means no contact.
I know this is hard, and my heart goes out to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Thank you for the opinions. Some are kind of hard to hear, which makes me take a look inside and ask why. I guess I have been trying to be the one “above reproach” - I didn’t want to be “that b*tch that kept all of his things.” I felt responsible that the only reason they were there was because I was going to let him move in with me and then backed out halfway through the process (after he got really wasted and drove to my house, putting other people’s lives in danger). In other words: guilt.
I made arrangements last night with a couple of friends that they will take the bed frame over to his place and leave it at his door. Then they will change the locks on the storage unit.
I kept the text where he told me to “throw out all of his stuff” in case there are any future issues and I have blocked him from calling and texting, and on social media.
I truly do just want him out of my life but had been keeping the lines of communication open out of a sense of guilt...how sick is that?
Each time I had gone “no contact” I felt a sense of peace, so why would my sense of guilt override that?!?!
I made arrangements last night with a couple of friends that they will take the bed frame over to his place and leave it at his door. Then they will change the locks on the storage unit.
I kept the text where he told me to “throw out all of his stuff” in case there are any future issues and I have blocked him from calling and texting, and on social media.
I truly do just want him out of my life but had been keeping the lines of communication open out of a sense of guilt...how sick is that?
Each time I had gone “no contact” I felt a sense of peace, so why would my sense of guilt override that?!?!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Each time I had gone “no contact” I felt a sense of peace, so why would my sense of guilt override that?!?!
False beliefs. I've been trapped by them until I started to see things from different perspectives. It's simply been a part of the learning curve of getting to heal, pick up healthy new habits and becoming stronger emotionally.
False beliefs. I've been trapped by them until I started to see things from different perspectives. It's simply been a part of the learning curve of getting to heal, pick up healthy new habits and becoming stronger emotionally.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
He had lost his job and was going to move in with me, but mid-move I had a visceral reaction and knew I couldn’t let him.
Your instincts protected you. Mellybug, way to go in listening to them!
He lost his job. He abandoned his things at your place. His actions. It's completely okay to let go of anything (guilt, fear, his stuff, etc.) that aren't helping you enjoy this beautiful, wonderful day. One day at a time, we get the choice to enjoy life and move forward.
This brings inner confidence.
Inner confidence will eradicate those fears.
All is well. It's just a process.
Your instincts protected you. Mellybug, way to go in listening to them!
He lost his job. He abandoned his things at your place. His actions. It's completely okay to let go of anything (guilt, fear, his stuff, etc.) that aren't helping you enjoy this beautiful, wonderful day. One day at a time, we get the choice to enjoy life and move forward.
This brings inner confidence.
Inner confidence will eradicate those fears.
All is well. It's just a process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
I’ve been completely no contact since Monday night and it’s been wonderful!
Tomorrow the locks will be changed on the storage unit, and I made the final arrangements yesterday for my two male friends to drop off his bed frame at his place (just outside his apartment door). I don’t want to be involved personally because I don’t even want to see my ex (or him to see me). Being the person I am I cannot in good conscious keep the king-sized bed frame when I have a way to get it back to him without putting myself in the mix.
It is my hope that with continued no contact he will eventually “detox” from me as well, but I now live with the anxiety of worrying every time I’m at the store if he will be there, or of him stopping by unexpectedly. I have never been a “routine” kind of person outside of work, so I have that going for me!
I never expected in my adult life I would have to deal with this kind of thing. In high school I had a “stalker” exbf so I think that experience has clouded my thoughts - but I never saw anything in this man to expect this kind of behavior. I try to quell my fears by reminding myself that he is inherently lazy, unambitious, and prefers to play the victim, while at the same time being vigilant about paying attention to my surroundings.
It’s more stress than I want to deal with...but that’s what happens some times! If only we could have stress-free lives, eh? Lol
I thank all of you for your insights. It means a lot.
I love you all!!!
Tomorrow the locks will be changed on the storage unit, and I made the final arrangements yesterday for my two male friends to drop off his bed frame at his place (just outside his apartment door). I don’t want to be involved personally because I don’t even want to see my ex (or him to see me). Being the person I am I cannot in good conscious keep the king-sized bed frame when I have a way to get it back to him without putting myself in the mix.
It is my hope that with continued no contact he will eventually “detox” from me as well, but I now live with the anxiety of worrying every time I’m at the store if he will be there, or of him stopping by unexpectedly. I have never been a “routine” kind of person outside of work, so I have that going for me!
I never expected in my adult life I would have to deal with this kind of thing. In high school I had a “stalker” exbf so I think that experience has clouded my thoughts - but I never saw anything in this man to expect this kind of behavior. I try to quell my fears by reminding myself that he is inherently lazy, unambitious, and prefers to play the victim, while at the same time being vigilant about paying attention to my surroundings.
It’s more stress than I want to deal with...but that’s what happens some times! If only we could have stress-free lives, eh? Lol
I thank all of you for your insights. It means a lot.
I love you all!!!
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