Taking everything so personally....codependency?
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Originally Posted by SaveHer 
There is something that stands out about your post because I find myself doing it, too.
1. Something bad happens
2. I feel angry and sad
3. Then, I feel judgmental and ashamed of my anger and sadness
Step three is called secondary emotions: the feelings you have about your feelings. I think it's pretty normal to feel upset when something bad happens, like a car breaking down. It's stressful, inconvenient, and possibly expensive. But judging myself and feeling ashamed of my feelings is problematic.
It might be helpful if you also examine the reasons why you're so hard on yourself for feeling upset when life gets hard.
1. Something bad happens
2. I feel angry and sad
3. Then, I feel judgmental and ashamed of my anger and sadness
Step three is called secondary emotions: the feelings you have about your feelings. I think it's pretty normal to feel upset when something bad happens, like a car breaking down. It's stressful, inconvenient, and possibly expensive. But judging myself and feeling ashamed of my feelings is problematic.
It might be helpful if you also examine the reasons why you're so hard on yourself for feeling upset when life gets hard.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I think I'm hard on myself all the time, not just when life gets hard, but those times exacerbate it. I'm a perfectionist, self critical and I suppose it comes down to low self esteem and not loving myself enough. The negative thought patterns I have, I can hear my parents voices some days when i hear them, so probably picked up from parents and ingrained. I want to change them.
Say you are peeling potatoes and cut yourself, or forget and put peanut butter on your toast instead of jam - what do you say to yourself?
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I think I'm hard on myself all the time, not just when life gets hard, but those times exacerbate it. I'm a perfectionist, self critical and I suppose it comes down to low self esteem and not loving myself enough. The negative thought patterns I have, I can hear my parents voices some days when i hear them, so probably picked up from parents and ingrained. I want to change them.
So, in your situation, I'd say, "Well you messed it up. But, you also took care of your vehicle. You did something FOR YOU, something that needed to be done. You were responsible, you didn't make someone else clean up your own mess. You could have laid down and been a martyr but you took hold of the situation and you fixed it."
I also have to remind myself that most people aren't out judging me or thinking about me all that much. I'm not THAT important for them to throw me under the bus for missing a meeting. They are there because they have their own issues to worry about, their own selves to fix. Let them fix them and you fix you. You did the next right thing and that was what needed to be done. No reason to beat yourself up for it. Congrats for being a responsible adult! Not everyone can say that! HUGS!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So, what about the smaller stuff. Say you pass a mirror and see yourself, what is your go-to thought?
Say you are peeling potatoes and cut yourself, or forget and put peanut butter on your toast instead of jam - what do you say to yourself?
Say you are peeling potatoes and cut yourself, or forget and put peanut butter on your toast instead of jam - what do you say to yourself?
This morning I started saying some affirmations into the mirror, that I love myself and I am enough. Got to start somewhere.
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Originally Posted by lizatola
Be patient with yourself. I think of the saying, "Just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true." We have thoughts constantly flowing through our minds and being codependent we tend to get negative fast. I'm a perfectionist as well, but I've learned to challenge my negative thoughts by forcing myself to find something positive to say to myself about that experience.
So, in your situation, I'd say, "Well you messed it up. But, you also took care of your vehicle. You did something FOR YOU, something that needed to be done. You were responsible, you didn't make someone else clean up your own mess. You could have laid down and been a martyr but you took hold of the situation and you fixed it."
I also have to remind myself that most people aren't out judging me or thinking about me all that much. I'm not THAT important for them to throw me under the bus for missing a meeting. They are there because they have their own issues to worry about, their own selves to fix. Let them fix them and you fix you. You did the next right thing and that was what needed to be done. No reason to beat yourself up for it. Congrats for being a responsible adult! Not everyone can say that! HUGS!
So, in your situation, I'd say, "Well you messed it up. But, you also took care of your vehicle. You did something FOR YOU, something that needed to be done. You were responsible, you didn't make someone else clean up your own mess. You could have laid down and been a martyr but you took hold of the situation and you fixed it."
I also have to remind myself that most people aren't out judging me or thinking about me all that much. I'm not THAT important for them to throw me under the bus for missing a meeting. They are there because they have their own issues to worry about, their own selves to fix. Let them fix them and you fix you. You did the next right thing and that was what needed to be done. No reason to beat yourself up for it. Congrats for being a responsible adult! Not everyone can say that! HUGS!
Self care and self compassion is the order of the day.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
...
In fact at the gym I can go as far as to take it personally if someone on the next treadmill gets off, if I've just gotten on next one. Nothing to do with them just being finished their workout! Thinking everything is about me.
...
In fact at the gym I can go as far as to take it personally if someone on the next treadmill gets off, if I've just gotten on next one. Nothing to do with them just being finished their workout! Thinking everything is about me.
...
Thank you for the reminder.
Codependency has been described as egomania with self-esteem issues. In other words, am I really *that* powerful and important that I am disrupting everyone's day in the way that I believe? No.
Really, for most people that I know, friends, family, coworkers, people in stores, I only occupy a small portion of their thoughts on any given day.
Or, to paraphrase Dr. Phil (sorry!), we wouldn't care so much about what other people thought about us if we realized how infrequently they did.
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Originally Posted by Seren
This.
Thank you for the reminder.
Codependency has been described as egomania with self-esteem issues. In other words, am I really *that* powerful and important that I am disrupting everyone's day in the way that I believe? No.
Really, for most people that I know, friends, family, coworkers, people in stores, I only occupy a small portion of their thoughts on any given day.
Or, to paraphrase Dr. Phil (sorry!), we wouldn't care so much about what other people thought about us if we realized how infrequently they did.
Thank you for the reminder.
Codependency has been described as egomania with self-esteem issues. In other words, am I really *that* powerful and important that I am disrupting everyone's day in the way that I believe? No.
Really, for most people that I know, friends, family, coworkers, people in stores, I only occupy a small portion of their thoughts on any given day.
Or, to paraphrase Dr. Phil (sorry!), we wouldn't care so much about what other people thought about us if we realized how infrequently they did.
I'm trying to mix the thought of people not being as interested as we think with not feeling responsible for other people's stuff.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
This morning I started saying some affirmations into the mirror, that I love myself and I am enough. Got to start somewhere.
It is an outward sign of how we think about ourselves and it's not a bad place to start.
I don't know about the ego and thinking that everyone is thinking about us and hopping off treadmills, I don't think that way. What I do know is that if you are feeling negatively about yourself the world takes on a different feeling. It can become a hostile place instead of a good place or even just a place!
I also think how you view the world in general (like passing a group on the street) is a good indicator of how you are feeling about yourself. Do they seem threatening? Judgmental?
All that I'm saying is that as you work on your self esteem these issues should fade, as your negative view of yourself lifts your negative view of the world will start to change.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, good start. I asked this because I know about this in particular. It might seem shallow when you are doing the "hard work" of trying to change your view of your core beliefs, but I don't think it is.
It is an outward sign of how we think about ourselves and it's not a bad place to start.
I don't know about the ego and thinking that everyone is thinking about us and hopping off treadmills, I don't think that way. What I do know is that if you are feeling negatively about yourself the world takes on a different feeling. It can become a hostile place instead of a good place or even just a place!
I also think how you view the world in general (like passing a group on the street) is a good indicator of how you are feeling about yourself. Do they seem threatening? Judgmental?
All that I'm saying is that as you work on your self esteem these issues should fade, as your negative view of yourself lifts your negative view of the world will start to change.
It is an outward sign of how we think about ourselves and it's not a bad place to start.
I don't know about the ego and thinking that everyone is thinking about us and hopping off treadmills, I don't think that way. What I do know is that if you are feeling negatively about yourself the world takes on a different feeling. It can become a hostile place instead of a good place or even just a place!
I also think how you view the world in general (like passing a group on the street) is a good indicator of how you are feeling about yourself. Do they seem threatening? Judgmental?
All that I'm saying is that as you work on your self esteem these issues should fade, as your negative view of yourself lifts your negative view of the world will start to change.
When I pass a group I do feel it threatening and intimidating. The group could be nuns, but I take it personally that even they are judging or against me. 🙄.
Im listening to a lot of Esther Hicks stuff at moment on law of attraction and how our beliefs really are everything.
I think using affirmations is a good start, but also rooting out the core beliefs I have and trying to change them. Went for a walk tonight and sat by a river meditating for 15 mins. Tried to tune out or not be bothered by people passing me, although was challenging and thoughts did come like "they think your nuts meditating on a bench by a river". Completely my own "stuff". They may have been envious or saying good for him.
Small steps.
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I read this quote a while ago & it has always stuck with me because it's precisely how recovery changed ME:
I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.
~ Rikkie Gale
I also listen to a ton of Abraham/Esther Hicks. You'd really get a lot out of Bruce Lipton too.
I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.
~ Rikkie Gale
I also listen to a ton of Abraham/Esther Hicks. You'd really get a lot out of Bruce Lipton too.
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Exactly, or they didn't even notice you!
A few other things I thought of. You obviously have a good sense of humor, do you laugh at yourself at all? I mean in a good way, not a bad way lol
Being silly, laughing at yourself are both good ways to relieve some of the stress of this. When you look in the mirror think - you look beautiful darling! If you have a negative thought about someone else judging you, like if they hop off the treadmill, it's actually funny to think they are avoiding you if you think about it.
It's also ok to be ridiculous. While I wouldn't recommend doing this in the gym at home alone you can run around singing musicals if you like. I think sometimes this kind of thing is just as important as the other, more introspective things. It reminds us not to take this all too seriously and it reminds us that we are actually fun.
Also, when you pass a group on the street, remember, you are important too you know, you have a right to be here, you have a right to your space in the world. Stand your ground.
A few other things I thought of. You obviously have a good sense of humor, do you laugh at yourself at all? I mean in a good way, not a bad way lol
Being silly, laughing at yourself are both good ways to relieve some of the stress of this. When you look in the mirror think - you look beautiful darling! If you have a negative thought about someone else judging you, like if they hop off the treadmill, it's actually funny to think they are avoiding you if you think about it.
It's also ok to be ridiculous. While I wouldn't recommend doing this in the gym at home alone you can run around singing musicals if you like. I think sometimes this kind of thing is just as important as the other, more introspective things. It reminds us not to take this all too seriously and it reminds us that we are actually fun.
Also, when you pass a group on the street, remember, you are important too you know, you have a right to be here, you have a right to your space in the world. Stand your ground.
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This morning I started saying some affirmations into the mirror, that I love myself and I am enough. Got to start somewhere.
After I fall.
And whether I run, walk or have to crawl, I’ll set
My goals, and achieve them all.
It’s not what we say out loud that really determines our lives.
It’s what we whisper to ourselves that has the most power.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I read this quote a while ago & it has always stuck with me because it's precisely how recovery changed ME:
I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.
~ Rikkie Gale
I also listen to a ton of Abraham/Esther Hicks. You'd really get a lot out of Bruce Lipton too.
I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.
~ Rikkie Gale
I also listen to a ton of Abraham/Esther Hicks. You'd really get a lot out of Bruce Lipton too.
Listened to a good Esther Hicks one on romance tonight, she was saying what keeps us stuck is the focus in their negative traits. That we should thank them for their part in teaching us what type of relationship we want next and then that's it. I'll have to re listen to get the benefit.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Exactly, or they didn't even notice you!
A few other things I thought of. You obviously have a good sense of humor, do you laugh at yourself at all? I mean in a good way, not a bad way lol
Being silly, laughing at yourself are both good ways to relieve some of the stress of this. When you look in the mirror think - you look beautiful darling! If you have a negative thought about someone else judging you, like if they hop off the treadmill, it's actually funny to think they are avoiding you if you think about it.
It's also ok to be ridiculous. While I wouldn't recommend doing this in the gym at home alone you can run around singing musicals if you like. I think sometimes this kind of thing is just as important as the other, more introspective things. It reminds us not to take this all too seriously and it reminds us that we are actually fun.
Also, when you pass a group on the street, remember, you are important too you know, you have a right to be here, you have a right to your space in the world. Stand your ground.
A few other things I thought of. You obviously have a good sense of humor, do you laugh at yourself at all? I mean in a good way, not a bad way lol
Being silly, laughing at yourself are both good ways to relieve some of the stress of this. When you look in the mirror think - you look beautiful darling! If you have a negative thought about someone else judging you, like if they hop off the treadmill, it's actually funny to think they are avoiding you if you think about it.
It's also ok to be ridiculous. While I wouldn't recommend doing this in the gym at home alone you can run around singing musicals if you like. I think sometimes this kind of thing is just as important as the other, more introspective things. It reminds us not to take this all too seriously and it reminds us that we are actually fun.
Also, when you pass a group on the street, remember, you are important too you know, you have a right to be here, you have a right to your space in the world. Stand your ground.
I do agree laughing at oneself is a great way to take away from all the seriousness, I just don't allow myself to lately, life's gotten very serious.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up
After I fall.
And whether I run, walk or have to crawl, I’ll set
My goals, and achieve them all.
It’s not what we say out loud that really determines our lives.
It’s what we whisper to ourselves that has the most power.
After I fall.
And whether I run, walk or have to crawl, I’ll set
My goals, and achieve them all.
It’s not what we say out loud that really determines our lives.
It’s what we whisper to ourselves that has the most power.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
THANK YOU for this thread! Until you mentioned it, I never thought I might be taking so many things personally. So today, for the first time, I realized someone else's anger just might not be directed at me.
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
THANK YOU for this thread! Until you mentioned it, I never thought I might be taking so many things personally. So today, for the first time, I realized someone else's anger just might not be directed at me.
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
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I am so glad this came up. I am dealing with this w/my daughter right now. She is a young adult with a lot going on in her life. She is wonderful and successful. However, when things are off, she is not always pleasant to be around. For so long the codie in me felt I had to fix it and internalized all of that. Now I see that she can just be having a bad moment and it's up to her to take care of that. I don't internalize it anymore, I let her deal with herself. She knows I am there if she needs me, we are very close. However, I have to let her stand as her own person and not internalize how she is feeling.
Just this morning she was short with me and I began to be offended. I then took a step back, told her that I am sorry she is feeling off but I hope her day gets better, and I went to the other room and moved on. While this seems silly, it's big progress for me. I am not codie with my XAH and have not been for a long time, but it's much harder with kids!
Just this morning she was short with me and I began to be offended. I then took a step back, told her that I am sorry she is feeling off but I hope her day gets better, and I went to the other room and moved on. While this seems silly, it's big progress for me. I am not codie with my XAH and have not been for a long time, but it's much harder with kids!
Originally Posted by Wamama48
THANK YOU for this thread! Until you mentioned it, I never thought I might be taking so many things personally. So today, for the first time, I realized someone else's anger just might not be directed at me.
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
We were running late for RAH appointment, and realized as we got there, there was a miscommunication regarding money, and we didn't have enough for the co-pay. So they might not see him.
He was grouchy, I was defensive. Instantly I got upset because he was mad at me for something that wasn't my fault. Reality check! He was upset at the circumstances, not me!
Thank you for a light bulb moment, and I'm glad you are rocking your recovery!
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