Trying to detach while living together

Old 09-22-2018, 10:50 AM
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Trying to detach while living together

I'm sick to my stomach my entire body feels sick with anxiety. I bought an air mattress and moved into the other bedroom because my ABF continues to lie to me and drink excessively. You would think he would get the hint that I've had it and can't physically and mentally live like this anymore but he completely ignores what's going on and acts like everything is fine. By this I mean he over looks the fact that I've moved into the other bedroom. He wants to be "close" and will approach me trying to give me a kiss. I just spent the last 6 nights in the other room. Only once has he said he was sorry for everything and that he wants to be healthy etc. but apparently lying and continuing to do the exact same things he apologizes for is his plan. I feel like I'm trapped in a psychotic head game. Last night we went out to a friends bday gathering at a venue where bands were playing. He kept coming up to me saying "look I'm not drunk I haven't been smoking". Then a little later I go outside and he's standing there smoking and by this time he is drunk. I tell him I'm leaving and he tried to start a fight with me in front of all our friends. I just got in my car and went home. He came home a couple hours later trying to get me to sleep in the room with him. I keep telling him I'm not living like this it's not normal to have a relationship based on lies and disrespect. He ends up calling me a bitch and telling me to F off and this is the next morning when he is sober. I understand that he is not going to change , but how the heck do you live with someone under these conditions? Part of me thinks just give in and act like everything is fine as well but the other part of me wants to hold out and fight this till the end. I desperately want to move out but it's not that easy to find a cheap rent and move a house load of stuff also I'm stuck in the lease for 5 more months and he REFUSES to leave. I'm living in full blown hell. I'm dying inside doing all I can to not argue with him , he is not capable of having a conversation because he feels all I do is put him down. The outright lies to my face is what is really making me go nuts.
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Old 09-22-2018, 10:54 AM
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I have another 6 months on a lease with my husband. I'm not there.

He doesn't seem to comprehend why I left, or if he does at times it's quickly lost to the alcoholic voice pulling his attention back to the addiction.

My material things and my son's fit into our backpacks and trunk of our car. We're much happier than being in an alcoholic environment. Life is working out, one day at a time.

It's okay to leave, and when you're ready, you'll be ready. Nothing to do with finances or anything else. Mental, emotional and physical health is valuable.

I'm not looking to get divorced, some do. Space to think clearly and heal can be taken, one day at a time.
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Old 09-22-2018, 10:54 AM
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I'm unclear, do you want out of the relationship as well or just want him to move out?
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
I have another 6 months on a lease with my husband. I'm not there.

He doesn't seem to comprehend why I left, or if he does at times it's quickly lost to the alcoholic voice pulling his attention back to the addiction.

My material things and my son's fit into our backpacks and trunk of our car. We're much happier than being in an alcoholic environment. Life is working out, one day at a time.

It's okay to leave, and when you're ready, you'll be ready. Nothing to do with finances or anything else. Mental, emotional and physical health is valuable.

I'm not looking to get divorced, some do. Space to think clearly and heal can be taken, one day at a time.
I think about doing the same thing. Some nights I stay in hotels just to get away. I just need to come up with a solid plan.
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I'm unclear, do you want out of the relationship as well or just want him to move out?
I want out of the relationship and I want him to move out. We've been together for 6yrs and it's been a dead end trap. It's difficult because I know his "good side" but his drunk side outweighs it.
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:33 AM
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Yes, I can see that from what you have described.

Well, he may be receiving a mixed message here. I wouldn't be going anywhere he is, like the party for instance. You also told him you were leaving, no need to check in with him since you are no longer in a relationship (I assume you have already told him that clearly).

Just distance yourself. No need for chit-chat around the house, checking in or conversations that lead him to scream at you. Go about your life.

As for the lease, well you could try just leaving him with it. Have you actually discussed that with him at all?
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:47 AM
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You could also just break the lease.

Tell the landlord, split the cost. I mean that is technically what would happen. Problem is if he doesn't pay his half you'd have to sue him for the remainder.

But let's not assume. Tell him you're leaving, then go; or if you're scared of him, just go and don't tell him. He'll either default on the lease or he'll find someone to share the flat or he'll find a way to pay it and continue to live there. I doubt he'll default, that would hurt his credit. You could just talk to the landlord honestly, telling him you need to move out and see what (if anything) the landlord will do to work with you.

I would find another rental situation before any legal issues come up with this one. If he's violent or abusive when drunk (or otherwise,) as a last resort you could have him removed by the police and get a restraining order.
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
You could also just break the lease.

Tell the landlord, split the cost. I mean that is technically what would happen. Problem is when he doesn't pay his half you'd have to sue him for the remainder.

But let's not assume. Tell him you're leaving, then go. He'll either default on the lease or he'll find someone to share the flat or he'll find a way to pay it and continue to live there. I doubt he'll default, that would hurt his credit. You could just talk to the landlord honestly, telling him you need to move out and see what (if anything) the landlord will do to work with you.
I'm considering breaking the lease if I can find a suitable place to move to. He is not on the lease. His credit is already bad and he couldn't afford to pay the full amount. He would be forced to move out if I find a place and break the lease. I feel like that's my only hope in order to make a clean get away.
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Old 09-22-2018, 11:58 AM
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A new place is a new start.

I've left more than one relationship and started over. It's a relief and for me was a really hopeful time.
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Old 09-22-2018, 12:11 PM
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If he's not on the lease, why not tell him to leave and state that you will have him evicted. I know this takes time--but this way you he cannot interpret a mixed signal from you.
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:09 PM
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Amusic…..if he really wants/needs to stay in the apartment...you could always sublet the other bedroom for the remaining months. That way--you won't have to break the lease and your bf will be able to stay....
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:48 PM
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I've just printed out forms for a restraining order and eviction. He came into the room when I was printing them out. I told him I will take action that I can not continue to live under the same roof as him under these drunken conditions. His response: "I want to go to couples therapy".
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:51 PM
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LOL! Of course he does! LOL!

My response would be..."I don't."
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Old 09-22-2018, 01:56 PM
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I've done it, but our situations are not the same. If you want out and you want to distance yourself, then there should be no doing anything together like you are still a couple. I do on rare occasions for kid stuff. We are civil and somewhat friendly.
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Old 09-22-2018, 06:32 PM
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I've been sleeping on the couch the last few nights also. It is so hard to be detached when he's in the same space. Make sure there is space between you and him. It sounds like he is not grasping how serious you are this time. My husband was overly nice until I stopped the divorce. It is better but not the marriage I envisioned since he is not in recovery and really doesn't see a problem. H does not have a problem I do.

I am working more hours. Saving as much money as possible. Keeping myself busy with our children and my life. Planning for our future without him. Not including him unless I outright have to. If I give in I'll just have more of the same.
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Old 09-22-2018, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
I've been sleeping on the couch the last few nights also. It is so hard to be detached when he's in the same space. Make sure there is space between you and him. It sounds like he is not grasping how serious you are this time. My husband was overly nice until I stopped the divorce. It is better but not the marriage I envisioned since he is not in recovery and really doesn't see a problem. H does not have a problem I do.

I am working more hours. Saving as much money as possible. Keeping myself busy with our children and my life. Planning for our future without him. Not including him unless I outright have to. If I give in I'll just have more of the same.
It's so sad that there are so many of us living this lonely mentally twisted life with someone who seems to not be affected by any of the drama. I thought that when I called the police and he spent 4 days in jail that would be his rock bottom and he would realize that alcohol is ruining his life and ours. But instead there's no thought process about it and he continues to carry on as if everyone is to blame and he's just enjoying life getting wasted. I don't have any kids but I feel like I'm living with a wild teenager. He has disrespected me so many times in front of our friends that I'm embarrassed to be seen with him. I've spent the evening looking online at rentals and everything is so expensive. I live in Los Angeles. My heart goes out to you and I really hope that all of us suffering can find our way out. And the alcoholics in our lives will find a way out of their addiction as well. Thank you for posting. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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Old 09-22-2018, 07:28 PM
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I keep thinking there will be a rock bottom moment for him and it never happens. My husband spent time in jail too but I got blamed and had more consequences than he did though all the counselors said I did nothing wrong.
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Old 09-22-2018, 09:16 PM
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My AXBF lost a place to live (rent-free with no bills), a girlfriend who loved him (for ten long, drama-filled years), and a newborn daughter. He chose alcohol over us, and it still baffles me.

We see things clearly because we are operating in a very harsh reality. We expend so much time and energy thinking about the situation every day: what it means, how to fix it, whether to fix it, etc. They, on the other hand, operate in a fantasy land where alcohol fuels the lies they tell themselves. They expend their energy on getting their next fix. I know it's hard to stop the hamster from spinning in that wheel in your brain, but there is no making rational sense of their behavior; it's like squeezing blood out of a turnip.

I'm glad to hear you're taking steps to get out, even if you're only thinking about it and not ready to do it. Baby steps. Take care of you.
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Old 09-23-2018, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Amusic View Post
It's so sad that there are so many of us living this lonely mentally twisted life with someone who seems to not be affected by any of the drama. I thought that when I called the police and he spent 4 days in jail that would be his rock bottom and he would realize that alcohol is ruining his life and ours. But instead there's no thought process about it and he continues to carry on as if everyone is to blame and he's just enjoying life getting wasted. I don't have any kids but I feel like I'm living with a wild teenager. He has disrespected me so many times in front of our friends that I'm embarrassed to be seen with him. I've spent the evening looking online at rentals and everything is so expensive. I live in Los Angeles. My heart goes out to you and I really hope that all of us suffering can find our way out. And the alcoholics in our lives will find a way out of their addiction as well. Thank you for posting. It's good to know I'm not alone.
This is concerning. I don't remember from reading, but if you had him jailed I hope he didn't harm you in any way physically.

Have you considered talking to a Domestic Violence hotline? Even if you weren't harmed physically, he has emotionally harmed you. They have resources to help and if nothing else will be an ear and a source of ideas.

I know it's expensive to live alone. Maybe there are group homes or roommate situations? I've taken on female roommates that I didn't know very well and even though they didn't all work very well, I never suffered abuse from them and I was able to save money to get my own place. Living with this guy just sounds untenable.
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Old 09-23-2018, 06:54 AM
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I'd agree w/bim--you really need to GET OUT. Even if the situation you go into isn't exactly what you want long-term, as long as it's safe and affordable for now, I think you'd be coming out ahead.

Finding people looking for roommates, maybe renting a room in someone's home, I don't know what other options might be available to you. Maybe the YWCA? I found articles similar to this one for a number of different cities: https://ywcacm.org/womens-economic-e...ing-stability/

Bear in mind that the place you stay doesn't have to be permanent or perfect, just NOT the apartment you're sharing with an active A. Down the road, you can find a solution that is more to your taste, but for now, I think the priority is for you to get out and away from this guy, by whatever means necessary.
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