XABF dead at 53 from liver failure
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
XABF dead at 53 from liver failure
Got the dreaded news today. Not surprised, but still shocked and saddened. I left him 5 years ago due to his intractable alcoholism. He ended up in the care of his elderly mom, with a brief stab at recovery, and a last, fatal relapse.
I had held out hope that he would find his way back to health and happiness, though I never imagined we would be together again. Still it pains me, the fact that this talented, kind, loving soul died tormented by his addiction. And another poor mother has lost her only son.
I am grateful that I did not have to witness the tragedy first-hand. No one should have to stand helplessly by and watch someone they love die, when help is available, they just refuse to take it. Just so sad.
Thank you for being here for me. The good folks here at SR and their wise advice and counsel were instrumental in helping me step away from the slow motion train wreck, reach for the light, and get on with my life.
I wish everyone well tonight.
SQ
I had held out hope that he would find his way back to health and happiness, though I never imagined we would be together again. Still it pains me, the fact that this talented, kind, loving soul died tormented by his addiction. And another poor mother has lost her only son.
I am grateful that I did not have to witness the tragedy first-hand. No one should have to stand helplessly by and watch someone they love die, when help is available, they just refuse to take it. Just so sad.
Thank you for being here for me. The good folks here at SR and their wise advice and counsel were instrumental in helping me step away from the slow motion train wreck, reach for the light, and get on with my life.
I wish everyone well tonight.
SQ
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
There are many incomprehensible things in this life. Early death and illogical suffering, included.
I'm so sorry. May he finally find peace in the great beyond.
From a Leaning Tree card. I first found it just before our first son passed on, when he was an infant.
(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry. May he finally find peace in the great beyond.
Somewhere, under a bluer sky,
in a higher realm than where eagles fly,
in a land of beauty beyond our knowing,
with trees and flowers and waters flowing,
with mountains of unearthly grace,
our loving Lord has made a place…
And one day, through an opening door,
we find that glorious Evermore.
in a higher realm than where eagles fly,
in a land of beauty beyond our knowing,
with trees and flowers and waters flowing,
with mountains of unearthly grace,
our loving Lord has made a place…
And one day, through an opening door,
we find that glorious Evermore.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I too am so sorry. I now know how much it would have hurt people if I had followed the same path. I also know others my age (42) or close, give or take, who haven't made it, just in the 2.5 years I have been sober. Every life lost is tragic.
Hugs and strength to you. I am glad you have the time and distance from the active relationship but it is still understably painful.
Hugs and strength to you. I am glad you have the time and distance from the active relationship but it is still understably painful.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by spiderqueen 
No one should have to stand helplessly by and watch someone they love die, when help is available, they just refuse to take it. Just so sad.
It must be a very painful experience to helplessly watch a love one die instead of being able to help themselves.
I wanted to comment on what you wrote above, from my personal experience. It's not meant to offend, but to offer another way of looking at it.
I was taught early on in AA that "alcoholism is the only disease that tells you don't have a disease."
It's a mental illness.
I don't want to speak for your ex, but for many of us, the disease lies to us and tells us we don't need help; that we can do this on our own.
Or, some of us have been fearful of getting help, because coping with alcohol is all we know. We're afraid of becoming "the hole in the donut".
Recovery is scary. Sometimes many of us are terrified of doing the required work of looking within so we can grow. The disease tells us more lies so that we avoid doing this.
I never "refused help" because I was selfish, didn't want to get better, or was stubborn. I was terrified of admitting that I had a problem, and of humbling myself to ask for or accept help. My low self worth and poor self-image kept me from doing this. I also didn't feel that I was worthy of help or of recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Thanks everyone, for your understanding and compassion. I feel like I should tell my daughters, but I’m worried it will upset them unnecessarily. (They are now young adults.) I might attend a service if there is one, so I suppose it makes sense to just inform them. I still feel some guilt over exposing them in the first place. Would love to hear your thoughts...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am so sorry for your loss.
Maybe opening up this communication with them about alcoholism, about how you feel guilty bringing this person into their lives, could be a learning opportunity for them and open communications about alcoholism . Maybe explain that you really didn’t understand alcoholism and how you though you could help him but the more you learned about it the clearer it became that it is not possible to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop drinking.
Maybe opening up this communication with them about alcoholism, about how you feel guilty bringing this person into their lives, could be a learning opportunity for them and open communications about alcoholism . Maybe explain that you really didn’t understand alcoholism and how you though you could help him but the more you learned about it the clearer it became that it is not possible to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop drinking.
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