I am really struggling today...
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I am really struggling today...
AH is mad he says I snapped at him this morning. I don't think I did but okay. He asked me if something was wrong because I snap at him all the time. I said no. I lied. I didn't know what else to say. How am I supposed to tell him that I am working on myself but that my reactions are due to his crappy behavior towards me that I've endured for the last several years. He says I'm really defensive, I am, I totally am. I am because I've endured so many random attacks over the years. Actually the attacks have happened so often, I'm not sure random is the right word. I'm trying to change how I react but I can't undue 7 years in a couple of months.
How do you talk about this? How do I discuss a problem he doesn't think he has and how it's affecting me, our kids, our marriage?
How do you talk about this? How do I discuss a problem he doesn't think he has and how it's affecting me, our kids, our marriage?
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How I found a way to deal with these things was to self-care with an Al-anon meeting. Staying wound up in the problem kept it wound up. Time in nature before meetings, or sometimes after, really helps me balance out.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering 
How do you talk about this? How do I discuss a problem he doesn't think he has and how it's affecting me, our kids, our marriage?
It's a no-win argument before it ever begins, IMO - trying to explain solutions to a problem he refuses to acknowledge.
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Please know I don't mean this to sound harsh AT ALL but it is unfair to deny the problem to him, in my opinion.
You know how say, someone will snap at you and you will say, well there was no reason to snap and they reply, snap? I wasn't being snappy?? Didn't think I was?
That's just an example. You then sit there and think hmm, sounded snappy to me.
That's what you are now doing to him. He sees something, he doesn't understand why you are reacting to him in that way and you deny it.
This is your answer:
Short, to the point, it's the answer in a nutshell. In fact you might want to print it out and give it to him.
He does not have to agree, not at all, not one little bit or he might surprise you and understand, no telling. It's not a discussion it is a statement. He can believe it or not, he can be in denial or not, that's not your side of the street. The bottom line is it's your truth and if you aren't going to share the truth then what is the point?
Again, said with kindness, I know this is so tough.
You know how say, someone will snap at you and you will say, well there was no reason to snap and they reply, snap? I wasn't being snappy?? Didn't think I was?
That's just an example. You then sit there and think hmm, sounded snappy to me.
That's what you are now doing to him. He sees something, he doesn't understand why you are reacting to him in that way and you deny it.
This is your answer:
I am working on myself but that my reactions are due to his crappy behavior towards me that I've endured for the last several years. He says I'm really defensive, I am, I totally am. I am because I've endured so many random attacks over the years. Actually the attacks have happened so often, I'm not sure random is the right word. I'm trying to change how I react but I can't undue 7 years in a couple of months.
He does not have to agree, not at all, not one little bit or he might surprise you and understand, no telling. It's not a discussion it is a statement. He can believe it or not, he can be in denial or not, that's not your side of the street. The bottom line is it's your truth and if you aren't going to share the truth then what is the point?
Again, said with kindness, I know this is so tough.
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering
How do you talk about this? How do I discuss a problem he doesn't think he has and how it's affecting me, our kids, our marriage?
Will talking about any of this with someone not in real recovery be worth your breath?...probably not. But it isn't fair to either of you when you aren't truthful about what is bothering you. You've been walking on eggshells for so long , trying to keep the peace, it's a hard habit to break... but it's an even heavier burden to bear and eventually it breaks the back of even the strongest camel...it only takes one last straw....( my final straw was small in the whole scope of things but there was no coming back from it, it ended the decades long marriage)
If you don't live ( and speak) your truth it is going to drive you crazy. That anger and resentment will eat you up from the inside. It made a raging mess of me. I was lost in the darkness for a long time.
I know this is really tough stuff. Just remembering the chaos while typing this response has twisted up my insides and brought tears to my eyes.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Please know I don't mean this to sound harsh AT ALL but it is unfair to deny the problem to him, in my opinion.
You know how say, someone will snap at you and you will say, well there was no reason to snap and they reply, snap? I wasn't being snappy?? Didn't think I was?
That's just an example. You then sit there and think hmm, sounded snappy to me.
That's what you are now doing to him. He sees something, he doesn't understand why you are reacting to him in that way and you deny it.
This is your answer:
Short, to the point, it's the answer in a nutshell. In fact you might want to print it out and give it to him.
He does not have to agree, not at all, not one little bit or he might surprise you and understand, no telling. It's not a discussion it is a statement. He can believe it or not, he can be in denial or not, that's not your side of the street. The bottom line is it's your truth and if you aren't going to share the truth then what is the point?
Again, said with kindness, I know this is so tough.
You know how say, someone will snap at you and you will say, well there was no reason to snap and they reply, snap? I wasn't being snappy?? Didn't think I was?
That's just an example. You then sit there and think hmm, sounded snappy to me.
That's what you are now doing to him. He sees something, he doesn't understand why you are reacting to him in that way and you deny it.
This is your answer:
Short, to the point, it's the answer in a nutshell. In fact you might want to print it out and give it to him.
He does not have to agree, not at all, not one little bit or he might surprise you and understand, no telling. It's not a discussion it is a statement. He can believe it or not, he can be in denial or not, that's not your side of the street. The bottom line is it's your truth and if you aren't going to share the truth then what is the point?
Again, said with kindness, I know this is so tough.
It just came out. I always say "I'm fine" I learned a long time ago telling him how I feel changes nothing and makes it feel personal when the bad behavior continues.
We used to communicate so well and the breakdown has been devastating for me.
He's destroying our marriage and I don't know how to tell him. If he doesn't think he has a problem then what's the point?
I had a friend who's husband just walked out she literally had no idea he was unhappy. AH said "I would hope you would give me the chance to fix things before it got to that point" HOW?!!? How do I do that?
I'm just so frustrated. I don't WANT to leave but I feel like I'm getting close to my breaking point.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
You don't have to talk about HIS problem at all. You are fully entitled to talk about your OWN feelings on any given issue, including how his behaviour has affected YOU. Your truth is yours to own no matter how he (or anyone else) feels about it.
Will talking about any of this with someone not in real recovery be worth your breath?...probably not. But it isn't fair to either of you when you aren't truthful about what is bothering you. You've been walking on eggshells for so long , trying to keep the peace, it's a hard habit to break... but it's an even heavier burden to bear and eventually it breaks the back of even the strongest camel...it only takes one last straw....( my final straw was small in the whole scope of things but there was no coming back from it, it ended the decades long marriage)
If you don't live ( and speak) your truth it is going to drive you crazy. That anger and resentment will eat you up from the inside. It made a raging mess of me. I was lost in the darkness for a long time.
I know this is really tough stuff. Just remembering the chaos while typing this response has twisted up my insides and brought tears to my eyes.
Hugs
Will talking about any of this with someone not in real recovery be worth your breath?...probably not. But it isn't fair to either of you when you aren't truthful about what is bothering you. You've been walking on eggshells for so long , trying to keep the peace, it's a hard habit to break... but it's an even heavier burden to bear and eventually it breaks the back of even the strongest camel...it only takes one last straw....( my final straw was small in the whole scope of things but there was no coming back from it, it ended the decades long marriage)
If you don't live ( and speak) your truth it is going to drive you crazy. That anger and resentment will eat you up from the inside. It made a raging mess of me. I was lost in the darkness for a long time.
I know this is really tough stuff. Just remembering the chaos while typing this response has twisted up my insides and brought tears to my eyes.
Hugs
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alwayscovering…...you ask how to tell him....well...you told us in only 3 sentences!...and, you didn't even mention the word "alcoholism".
You have been attacked...maybe, hundreds of times?...over the years....so it is no wonder that keeping that truth inside is eating you up....
This---it is HARD to completely detach when someone is screaming in your face--if you have no way/place to leave the area. Yes, detachment is a good tool to help in some situations...but it is not 100 percent in all cases and situation. You have two youngsters in the home and the yelling is much more damaging to them, in the long run, than even you....
It looks, from where I sit...that you are backed into a corner....to either choke on the truth or suffer verbal abuse for you and the children....
always covering.....maybe, you are fighting the inevitable..?
Perhaps, it is time to separate...for a while, at least...to give you some time and space to contemplate and do some thinking outside of the tension and chaos...?
Especially...if you don't have the ability to leave the area, instantly, when he begins the yelling and verbal abuse....
How on earth do you think that you can create an environment where he is never...never..."mad" at all.....that just sounds impossible, to me.....
If you need help in finding a place to get away or would like counseling, in addition, don't hesitate to call on your local domestic abuse organization....that is what they are there for and they deal with these kinds of situations, every day.....
You have been attacked...maybe, hundreds of times?...over the years....so it is no wonder that keeping that truth inside is eating you up....
This---it is HARD to completely detach when someone is screaming in your face--if you have no way/place to leave the area. Yes, detachment is a good tool to help in some situations...but it is not 100 percent in all cases and situation. You have two youngsters in the home and the yelling is much more damaging to them, in the long run, than even you....
It looks, from where I sit...that you are backed into a corner....to either choke on the truth or suffer verbal abuse for you and the children....
always covering.....maybe, you are fighting the inevitable..?
Perhaps, it is time to separate...for a while, at least...to give you some time and space to contemplate and do some thinking outside of the tension and chaos...?
Especially...if you don't have the ability to leave the area, instantly, when he begins the yelling and verbal abuse....
How on earth do you think that you can create an environment where he is never...never..."mad" at all.....that just sounds impossible, to me.....
If you need help in finding a place to get away or would like counseling, in addition, don't hesitate to call on your local domestic abuse organization....that is what they are there for and they deal with these kinds of situations, every day.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
alwayscovering…...you ask how to tell him....well...you told us in only 3 sentences!...and, you didn't even mention the word "alcoholism".
You have been attacked...maybe, hundreds of times?...over the years....so it is no wonder that keeping that truth inside is eating you up....
This---it is HARD to completely detach when someone is screaming in your face--if you have no way/place to leave the area. Yes, detachment is a good tool to help in some situations...but it is not 100 percent in all cases and situation. You have two youngsters in the home and the yelling is much more damaging to them, in the long run, than even you....
It looks, from where I sit...that you are backed into a corner....to either choke on the truth or suffer verbal abuse for you and the children....
always covering.....maybe, you are fighting the inevitable..?
Perhaps, it is time to separate...for a while, at least...to give you some time and space to contemplate and do some thinking outside of the tension and chaos...?
Especially...if you don't have the ability to leave the area, instantly, when he begins the yelling and verbal abuse....
How on earth do you think that you can create an environment where he is never...never..."mad" at all.....that just sounds impossible, to me.....
If you need help in finding a place to get away or would like counseling, in addition, don't hesitate to call on your local domestic abuse organization....that is what they are there for and they deal with these kinds of situations, every day.....
You have been attacked...maybe, hundreds of times?...over the years....so it is no wonder that keeping that truth inside is eating you up....
This---it is HARD to completely detach when someone is screaming in your face--if you have no way/place to leave the area. Yes, detachment is a good tool to help in some situations...but it is not 100 percent in all cases and situation. You have two youngsters in the home and the yelling is much more damaging to them, in the long run, than even you....
It looks, from where I sit...that you are backed into a corner....to either choke on the truth or suffer verbal abuse for you and the children....
always covering.....maybe, you are fighting the inevitable..?
Perhaps, it is time to separate...for a while, at least...to give you some time and space to contemplate and do some thinking outside of the tension and chaos...?
Especially...if you don't have the ability to leave the area, instantly, when he begins the yelling and verbal abuse....
How on earth do you think that you can create an environment where he is never...never..."mad" at all.....that just sounds impossible, to me.....
If you need help in finding a place to get away or would like counseling, in addition, don't hesitate to call on your local domestic abuse organization....that is what they are there for and they deal with these kinds of situations, every day.....
The thing last weekend bothers me though...That's going to hold me back. I wasn't there because I was working and he attacked my stepson. I don't want to leave him to take the abuse and I have no legal right to take him with me. He's not going to live with his mom because believe it or not she's worse.
Holding it all in really is affecting me and I really do want to resolve it and deal with it in a healthy rational way. I just don't know how to communicate with him right now and if I say ANYTHING he takes it as a personal attack.
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I get it---you are in a really bad situation.....
I think you may need ore support than you are getting, right now...?
Question---have you figured what do do about your stepson in October? I know that in some places, children who are 16 are able to decide who they want to live with....I am giving you the following link to help you with organizing your thoughts and to know where to seek additional help....
https://www.womansdivorce.com/]
I think you may need ore support than you are getting, right now...?
Question---have you figured what do do about your stepson in October? I know that in some places, children who are 16 are able to decide who they want to live with....I am giving you the following link to help you with organizing your thoughts and to know where to seek additional help....
https://www.womansdivorce.com/]
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I get it---you are in a really bad situation.....
I think you may need ore support than you are getting, right now...?
Question---have you figured what do do about your stepson in October? I know that in some places, children who are 16 are able to decide who they want to live with....I am giving you the following link to help you with organizing your thoughts and to know where to seek additional help....
https://www.womansdivorce.com/]
I think you may need ore support than you are getting, right now...?
Question---have you figured what do do about your stepson in October? I know that in some places, children who are 16 are able to decide who they want to live with....I am giving you the following link to help you with organizing your thoughts and to know where to seek additional help....
https://www.womansdivorce.com/]
I'm also really scared of what's going to happen when he gets rejected from the police department. Although at the rate he's advancing I'm also trying to decide what to do when he gets hired.
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alwayscovering…..try not to get too overwhelmed by too much future tripping.
I think it is good to get your support people on board with you...circle your wagons....so that you will have the proper support when things do unfold...however they unfold.....
Don't forget the domestic violence organization is always there for you....
You could use a counselor, if you don't have one....as well as legal support....
the organization can help you locate all of those...as well as other types of help....
I think it is good to get your support people on board with you...circle your wagons....so that you will have the proper support when things do unfold...however they unfold.....
Don't forget the domestic violence organization is always there for you....
You could use a counselor, if you don't have one....as well as legal support....
the organization can help you locate all of those...as well as other types of help....
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I do think that letting your stepson "stay" at your place when he needs to is a good idea....He is likely to drift away from both of his bio parents, anyway as he gets older...especially, if they are as toxic as you describe...
You might be the most stable and trustworthy adult in his life.....
You might be the most stable and trustworthy adult in his life.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I do think that letting your stepson "stay" at your place when he needs to is a good idea....He is likely to drift away from both of his bio parents, anyway as he gets older...especially, if they are as toxic as you describe...
You might be the most stable and trustworthy adult in his life.....
You might be the most stable and trustworthy adult in his life.....
It's really sad. I found some videos of when my bio was a baby with AH before he started drinking and I bawled my eyes out. He was such a good involved dad.
I know I'm all over the place. I've been working a lot and only making 1 meeting a week instead of 4-5 I've made an appt to get a massage and im taking my kid to a movie so I can have some down time.
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I know that you have a lot on your plate...of course. There are some thing that can help your stepson...and be a buffer to the negative in his life....for example---alateen, Boys Clubs of America (great), Big Brother organization, special interest groups like art or music....camps over holidays from school...etc.....
If yougo onto amazon...and google "books for mothers raising sons"...you will find several books...(if you need help...PM me)…..
If yougo onto amazon...and google "books for mothers raising sons"...you will find several books...(if you need help...PM me)…..
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The first time I left, I stayed with some good friends for two weeks.
The last time I left, I had less than $40 and gave $2 in good faith to DS11 to get lemonade for us at a lemonade stand. I took everything one moment at a time and don't regret a single one.
One foot in front of the other. Leaps of faith.
The last time I left, I had less than $40 and gave $2 in good faith to DS11 to get lemonade for us at a lemonade stand. I took everything one moment at a time and don't regret a single one.
One foot in front of the other. Leaps of faith.
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always,
What your stepson is having modeled for him is that nothing changes. Dad stays drunk, or mad, or both. Mom isn't safe or healthy. Step-mom is stressed, hurting, living with and accepting abuse. This is his normal.
Leaving changes everything. It says, "this isn't okay." It says "it's okay to leave." It gives your stepson permission to not stay in the abusive cage. He has resources and a Higher Power. You may be able to help him more once you leave, or not, yet leaving in itself may be a good modeling of healthy behavior that sparks something more for him down the road.
What your stepson is having modeled for him is that nothing changes. Dad stays drunk, or mad, or both. Mom isn't safe or healthy. Step-mom is stressed, hurting, living with and accepting abuse. This is his normal.
Leaving changes everything. It says, "this isn't okay." It says "it's okay to leave." It gives your stepson permission to not stay in the abusive cage. He has resources and a Higher Power. You may be able to help him more once you leave, or not, yet leaving in itself may be a good modeling of healthy behavior that sparks something more for him down the road.
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I keep trying to get him to go to alateen. He doesn't want to right now. I imagine he'll end up in ACoA eventually- I hope.
He thinks i should be able to fix this situation and gets angry that I cant. I'm totally flattered he has that much faith in me though.
He thinks i should be able to fix this situation and gets angry that I cant. I'm totally flattered he has that much faith in me though.
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lol! Yeah, my son didn't want to go to Alateen either, and I really didn't want to go to Alanon. After I started going, I was glad to. Kid. Was. Not. Happy. I brought him to alateen against his wishes. As they read the opening, he had a smile. He could relate.
DS11 take on Alateen:
1. A lot of fun.
2. Different Alateen meetings are different from each other.
3. A lot of fun.
He asked if he could say fun twice.
DS11 take on Alateen:
1. A lot of fun.
2. Different Alateen meetings are different from each other.
3. A lot of fun.
He asked if he could say fun twice.
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