Glenjo99

So, most of my posts lately have been to do with codependency and self care, which I'm doing ok at depending on the day. Learning so much about myself and recovery. Started yoga last night, journaling, meditating and reading.

I've been keeping the focus on me but the old questions pop up every now and again that shifts the focus back to the addict. A song came on the tv today that made me start crying because it reminded me of when we would hang out. I wonder how he's doing. It's 15 weeks ago tomorrow since I went to visit him and he relapsed. It's will be 8 weeks this Saturday since he asked for space to focus on his recovery post rehab. I've heard nothing since.

Was chatting to someone today going through something similar just not with an addict. Probably brought stuff back to me. She asked me do I think he will ever come back, and I said I don't know probably not, but I back and forth with this. I just feel the longer time goes on the less chances of it happening. We discussed the reason, season or lifetime idea and also if someone is meant to come back they will, if not they were never yours in first place.

Just wondering has anyone had any successful stories of randomly coming back together against the odds. Or am I being delusional? Is he over me.

(I know where my focus should be, but just for today I feel I want to indulge, heart is sad).

honeypig

We've had a few folks post w/updates recently--this one seems like the kind of thing you're looking for:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-together.html (We’re back together)

Here are some others:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...our-years.html (Four years on)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oming-end.html (After 8 years with an alcoholic, it's finally coming to an end.)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-6-years.html (ShootingStar1 - just checking in after 6 years!)

If you want to read the backstory on these (or any other) individuals, just click on his/her name at the left side of the page. You'll get a dropdown list with choices including "find all posts by Member X" and "find all threads started by Member X." It can be really inspiring, not to mention a heck of an education, to see where someone started and how far they've come.

Not to mention this is a great way to check on your OWN progress, by reading old posts...

atalose

I think when we truly begin to do the really hard work on ourselves, dedicate our time and energy into our own recovery and we fully let go of a toxic relationship and toxic people…………the answer to that questions becomes easy………why would we want them back, our lives have changed, we are different, not the same person we once were.

And anything short of them having been dedicated to their own recovery, like for years and with outside help and a dedicated solid plan of daily recovery them coming back would be no different than when they left.

Sounds like you may be in the bargaining stage of grieve, if this or if that were to happen then maybe X.

Glenjo99

Thanks honey pig.

Glenjo99

I hear what your saying, the thing is though, that we have feelings for those toxic people. I know on paper saying someone is toxic or their behaviour is, would mean we should avoid them but real life and emotions doesn't make it so. Yes I back and forth between the different stages of grief.

atalose

You know it’s ok to still love and care about the people we can no longer have in our lives.

Letting toxic people go is not an act of cruelty. It’s an act of self-care.

Glenjo99

I agree it is an act of self care, but boy is it hard. Is that what they mean by if you love someone set them free?

trailmix

The - love something set it free - is about you setting them free as opposed to setting yourself free (which is self care in a toxic/dysfunctional relationship)

That saying, in my opinion is not true anyway. Everyone is already free.

Glenjo99

Yeh never completely understood that saying.

Shredder22

I'm in the bargaining stage myself I try not to post about on here much as I did in the past and felt very bad with some responses. I have his email and sometimes want to email him who knows what I will write. Why? Are you ok? I still care. Truth is I kicked him out and safely put him in a cab around mothers day. His alcoholism was so bad I thought it would get physical, the cops would come, landlord would come. I would lose all that I worked for. The next day I called to see if he was ok and he gave the phone to his father who called me a **** in nicer terms that I threw him out to sleep with another man.
I ask myself why do you miss someone who you lost jobs over due to his jealously and thinking I'm at work banging my bosses.
Why do I miss someone who called me another females name in bed?
Why do I miss someone who smashed my dashboard as he invited to a family cookout and while there his cousin tipped me off hide all alcohol and don't buy him any? In his drunk mind I wanted his cousin.
I wanted everyone.
Why do I miss a crying, sobbing, mean in my arms saying he messed up and please leave him I deserve better.
Why do I miss someone who told me I had countless abortions behind his back when I was on the pill?
Sounds awful right....
He never hit me, wanted to marry me, and wanted a child, he kissed my hand, my forehead, made me coffee in the am, wrote sticky notes ily everywhere, went for walks w me. In the beginning I asked him if he ever experienced real love he said no I said neither have I. I lack supports and no man before him loved me nor do my parents.
I asked him " if we don't love ourselves or know what love is how are we going to do this Douglas"
We will figure it out baby.
Days he would be normal he would come back w flowers, when he was working we went bowling every Friday. I even asked him when he had a job we were in the eye of the storm.
" where did psycho Douglas go. You been doing great and treating me nicely.
Verbatim:
I think about you baby at work I have been so mean to you at times. When nobody else has ever been as nice as you. You didn't deserve that old me. If my parents are 57 and had hard times we can weather any storm. I do really believe he was my soulmate Glenjo. He got injured on his job I filled out his tdi he went running on a mission. It all went on booze.

I miss the old Douglas who sang love songs to me, went looking for engagement rings, kissed my forehead when I was sleeping. Since he was really my only person to talk to besides people at jobs him leaving me feels like day one every day like ground hog day.
Bargaining: if I never put him in a cab we would be together.
If I never cut off his phone line and changed my number he would eventually call especially if I played the no contact way to get him back. Douglas was very handsome I was scrutinized on here for telling the community on here that. I'm always told i look like Fergie, Shakira, or Scarlett Johanson. People tell me I'm pretty. I don't see it. Douglas didn't see how handsome he was. I thought we were 2 peas in a pod.
I pray he is ok.
I'm mean to others at times like he was mean to me yet sober.
I struggle talking to my boss at times as I warned him my fiance might call you and think we are sleeping together. I'm sorry you can give me walking papers and tell your wife I'm sorry if you do get a call.
My boss kept me.
I actually think you are doing better than me as June and July I lied in bed and cried and called only to be blocked.
Where's Douglas like Where's Waldo even at the end he said he was checking into rehab I hope he did that.
I know why it's hurting us more now fall is 9/21 and all summer we tried to keep on keeping on with hopes they would want us back.
He would be here if he did.
He would have helped himself or apologized.
He used to get night terrors now I do.
He was angry now I am.
We miss the good times, the nostalgia, love can make us do, think, and say crazy things.
Whatever anyone on this forum thinks he loved me just the bottle got in the way and friends and family all drunks with 2 many parties and events alcohol related.
The brain will take us awhile to push our hearts out the way and face reality.
I know I had to cab him out it was unsafe
I know I had to cut his line and change my number for my sanity as any capability of any love for me was gone. His love was 2 sleeves of fireball a day, and beer.
Your doing okay Glenjo. Hi, my name is Joanna and I fell in love with an alcoholic. I see a therapist, I do my best, but it hurts like hell.
To anyone married, divorced, has kids, or still with an alcoholic. I pray for us all. I can't even imagine what my life would be like but if 11 months did this I don't even want to fathom the pain others must be feeling. I empathize.
Very Best,
Joanna

Glenjo99

Thanks Joanna, very honest post and can relate. The guy I was with was so handsome, used to be pro football player, great sense of humour and intelligent. It's ok to love and miss him as you do yours.

honeypig

Want to second trailmix about that saying. If I am the only one w/the power to free myself, then isn't it the same for everyone else? If I don't need anyone else to set ME free, then how could they need me to set THEM free? Aren't they in the same situation, where no one can free them but themselves?

I put that on the same junk heap where I put the notion of one and only one "soulmate" for me in my life, ever...

Others may feel differently, but that's where I'm at on this "setting free" thing.

Shredder22

I don't believe that Douglas was my one and only soulmate. I believe if he actively were in a program or I met him clean we would be compatible. I believe someone better is out there for me and I'm not sitting around hoping Doug will waltz back in my life. I believe you can meet many a people in your life who complete your sentences, are funny, nice that could be soul mates or just people that came in my life for the season. I'm letting go and letting God. I don't love myself, have any confidence, or self esteem so until I get that I will only meet people that mirror me or are in worse shape than me. I would rather be alone than go through this again. I actually want the bargaining phase to be over asap. I see my therapist today if anyone thinks I have gone off my rocker.
Ty

FireSprite

I've always interpreted this to mean:

If you truly love something/someone, let go of trying to control them into being what you want them to be & accept them for what they are. If you can do that & maintain happiness, it's true & honest. If they "leave" (change, whatever), they weren't ever what you thought they were in the first place - it was an illusion of what you thought you had, not reality.

atalose

I personally do not buy into the whole soulmate thing. I do not believe that two individual people are two halves of a whole. I do not buy into that whole Hollywood/Fantasy romance kind of love. That’s the kind of false narrative stuff that fills our heads and our voids by having someone else make us feel good about ourselves instead of feeling good about ourselves all on our own.

If I were to buy into that, then that would mean that my soulmate is a raging alcoholic/addict. It would mean that my other half, the one meant just for me, is emotionally unavailable and not capable of sustaining a relationship so then what does that say about me and my half of that whole?

Glenjo99

Interesting point. I think there's more than one person out there for everyone. The person I thought was my other half is also an alcoholic/drug addict recovering. Miss him.

Glenjo99

Thanks Joanna, a sports injury meant he had to give up playing, so I think your spot on it probably had a lot to do with his issues. I pray too the fall will be better than the summer, when emotions are involved it's so hard. Hope you get to Florida and things go well.