Inner Child - FOO Stuff - long, of course
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
Amen sister.
That one paragraph pretty much sums up the metamorphosis I find myself going through as well.
My mother and others are baffled by the "new" me. It really isn't the "new" me though, it's the authentic me. The me that for too long was bound up in a lifetime of codependence, both my own and other peoples. I've cast that off and it's as though they resent this version of me. They can't comprehend my changing for my own betterment, because they are all still so caught up in their own dysfunctional thinking.
Like you Fire, I am struggling to find the place of peace with my loved ones....but thems' some murky damn waters.....
That one paragraph pretty much sums up the metamorphosis I find myself going through as well.
My mother and others are baffled by the "new" me. It really isn't the "new" me though, it's the authentic me. The me that for too long was bound up in a lifetime of codependence, both my own and other peoples. I've cast that off and it's as though they resent this version of me. They can't comprehend my changing for my own betterment, because they are all still so caught up in their own dysfunctional thinking.
Like you Fire, I am struggling to find the place of peace with my loved ones....but thems' some murky damn waters.....
More than 2 years ago, I literally begged my mother to please just focus on developing healthy relationships with the grandkids & let the rest of it settle into place. That if we could start there, in that pure space, we could all do better going forward. Instead, she spent all that time ringing her hands in despair over everything "wrong" with me/us & now my daughter is too old to care. She's off & running in her own life & has no time for a grandparent that has no time for her - but my mom takes THAT personally too. I should be teaching my daughter better respect than that - she "should" be learning to give freely out of obligation & guilt & keep the same crappy patterns of behavior alive & kicking I guess. No thank you.
It is exactly what appears to be happening with my almost 19-yr old niece though. She hasn't replied to my texts all summer since she went off to college - and I haven't sent a lot because I'm trying so hard to not upset the kids & push at her when I know she has had limited explanation of what has happened. She HAS responded to DD so I know it's a choice & that's ok, but it makes me sad.
Holidays are coming & this is what has me a little on edge. I'm perfectly ok being on the outs & having my own holidays but my mother will never accept this & it's going to be hell on earth very soon as we wade through this mess.
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FS- many similarities with my own foo crap. I went to a few ACA meetings this year- and on a whim went to reconnect to the 3 surviving uncles/aunts of my parents to try and work out some of the pain and damage- which I got in shiploads. I relate to the anger, fear, fractured mem's. But at least I know that damage will not get any worse (unless I allow it to) and it is unfinished business...my parents both being deceased now. Heavy stuff, this. Sometimes just dealing with today is enough for me- so I am very careful just to look at the past in small doses, so I do not get overwhelmed by it.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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For Abraham Hicks fans, this one refers to weight, inner child. I really relate on the 'weight' to let loose of being the weight of past experiences, if that makes any sense?
Listening a second time I'm getting a better sense of why I've done so much inner child/past work because it's also been a part of my present. I'm learning to allow change.
https://youtu.be/YHX7Msk8lRc
Listening a second time I'm getting a better sense of why I've done so much inner child/past work because it's also been a part of my present. I'm learning to allow change.
https://youtu.be/YHX7Msk8lRc
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Firesprite,
My physical therapist is also intuitive and has an understanding of connections between us and the generations in our families that came before us. This Abraham Hicks talk helps explain, for me, how to line-jump past all that.
I keep finding ways to break the emotional and energetic cords from other people's "stuff" so I can deal directly with the day I'm in. Living in the present, much more connected to the good things around me, has been the most fun, healing thing I've experienced.
KWIM?
My physical therapist is also intuitive and has an understanding of connections between us and the generations in our families that came before us. This Abraham Hicks talk helps explain, for me, how to line-jump past all that.
I keep finding ways to break the emotional and energetic cords from other people's "stuff" so I can deal directly with the day I'm in. Living in the present, much more connected to the good things around me, has been the most fun, healing thing I've experienced.
KWIM?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm baaaack! 
Or maybe this is more appropriate ....... ----->
More journaling...... feel free to skip....
Almost 2 weeks ago, my husband & I got into an argument that got out of control pretty quickly. Triggers flying on both sides & neither of us capable or willing to see the other's POV.
I ended up having a pretty big AHA moment relating to FOO stuff/triggers like I talked about up-thread ..... the stuff that you pick up so early in life that it predates language & expression... and wow, did it uncap a lid off of some resentments about my father that I wasn't seeing clearly before.
This is what always happens - it starts with my husband & is a legit argument/issue but it triggers something way, way back that is what I REALLY need to see, accept & heal. When I felt triggered, it was all about controlling the panic & PTSD-ish symptoms that kicked in - I was caught off guard by my own reaction & needed to reflect & process to understand it but since we'd already started actively arguing, I couldn't get myself to disengage. All I could focus on was the overwhelming confusion, panic & anger. And being heard.
As soon as I connected the dots to the source of my resentments, I felt like I'd been struck by lightning & I was brought to my knees with intense & acute pain in the upper part of my stomach. I thought it was because I'd skipped dinner & was about to eat when this happened but it wasn't the same hunger pain I'd felt before. It had me up all night & I finally realized it was more in line with a gall bladder attack than heart or ulcer/stomach issues. (when I looked up the corresponding emotional pain for the gallbladder it was exactly what I was dealing with -EXACTLY)
https://www.chinesemedicineliving.co...e-gallbladder/
That pain flared for a day & a half as I struggled through all the memories & understanding of the emotional stuff I'd uncovered. At about the 2 day mark, we were able to talk rationally & the pain subsided immediately. Part of that conversation was me reaching for understanding from him about My Story/Side & the other was that I did owe him apology for my own words & actions. (he kept asking me to disengage but being in a fog already mentally, I jut couldn't do it & kept following him around to try to explain things again.... of course there was NO way we were going to be able to communicate at that time but my brain had stopped working - when fight or flight kicked in, all the blood flowed out of my brain & into my body & I was energized for a fight but brainless about my argument....... never mind that I didn't even fully understand all of it yet, I was just reacting.)
Codie Relapse. This physical manifestation of my emotional pain left me sore from my heart chakra down to my ankles - you know that feeling of being so sore after a bad virus has you vomiting for a while & your muscles just feel lack & blue from all the contracting? Every joint & muscle hurt & still today, I have a lot of discomfort in my hips & lower back that wasn't there before this. I've stayed active with light/gentle workouts but my body feels like I've taken months off - so much tightness & tenderness. But now I've seen the Monster in the closet around this trigger & I was able to call it out & know it in a new way. It won't attack me like that again, I won't be caught so off guard next time.
Ahead of this by about a week, I had a VERY lengthy convo with DD about my FOO & the current state of things. She had experienced everything as it happened, but didn't really understand it all & likely missed pieces here & there since it wasn't her focus. She wondered how the upcoming holidays were going to look.
So I backed up & told her the whole story, as I know it, starting close to a year ago in early Dec when I had a convo with my sister where I felt like we were finally getting close to the same page & things were ok. Just the glimmer of awareness from her side & I had hope. I took DD through all of the events, stopping for clarity & background info when needed & really put my vulnerability out there by sharing with her some of the dark or damaging thoughts & self-image issues that I still deal with today as a result of so much FOO stuff.
After close to 3 hours & many tears from both of us she gave me the greatest validation I would never have asked for - "I don't see how you CAN do anything about any of this Mom & you're right that it doesn't seem like it's even yours TO fix."
"I don't see you that way Mom - I never have, I never do. I can't imagine that you think those thoughts in your head - it's NOT who you ARE."
How is SHE the most mature one among us??
In the end I realized that part of what I've been holding onto internally was that SOMEDAY my FOO might actually hear My Story without filtering it trough their own experiences. I know now this is never going to happen & that this is me holding on for some sort of validation. I don't need them to agree with me to be right about how I lead my life. I don't need them to agree that my damage was worthy of recovering from. There is no scale of measurement that I have to qualify through - there is no reason to compare our pain for it to be real. I can be victimized in life ~just like them~ without living life AS a victim forever. They are always going to act against their best interests & expect me to save them somehow. None of my life invalidates theirs - just because I survive differently doesn't mean I didn't work as hard or harder to pull myself out of that damaged hole. More than once.
Externally, I knew all of this. Internally - I was holding my breath just a little in some ways. I see that now. I don't need their permission for My Story to be Real.
So I've also informed my husband that with the impending holidays I'm anticipating a call from Mom & some attempt from her to force reconciliation.... and that when said-call arrives I'll be redirecting it to him. I've stayed LC for most of this year & it has her rabid by this point - that's me punishing her & not trying by her definition. But the current issues involve them & him - not me. I'm not getting called to a family meeting when I have nothing nice to say & nothing to apologize for. I don't owe them ANYTHING & for that matter I have tried MANY times to explain myself... it continues to fall on willfully deaf ears.
In our history *I* am the peacemaker - by hook or by crook, I make that happen. I play the mediator, I take the arrows from both sides, I initiate & referee & put myself aside to do so. In the absence of me playing that role, this is just spiraling out over time because NONE of them are able to start hard conversations without blame, judgment, etc. They don't even know what they're so upset ABOUT - not really.
They're all ready to tell one another off over current events but no one is capable of seeing the bigger picture or need for long-term change - well, if I'm being honest, only my husband sees this & tries, but he inserted himself into this FOO mess fully when he went to my sister to borrow money behind my back last year. Now that has become a weapon she uses against me along with her judging me as heartless for not stopping my world for my mother's every need like I did for almost 40 years.
What she can't see is that she's sick of being in my shoes since I've vacated that position in the family & she's taken up the role as Super-Codie in my place. The money thing is something she held onto for a long, long time & then hurled at me as a way of hurting me & humiliating him in one stroke. But she doesn't see ANY of that - in fact, I'm ungrateful & disloyal & "a real piece of work" when I won't be dissuaded from my opinion that she was WRONG all around - both as a sister & a friend.
...all that old crapola is here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rigin-fog.html (FOO (family of origin) FOG)
It may not sound like it - but I'm making progress!
Or maybe this is more appropriate ....... ----->
More journaling...... feel free to skip....
Almost 2 weeks ago, my husband & I got into an argument that got out of control pretty quickly. Triggers flying on both sides & neither of us capable or willing to see the other's POV.
I ended up having a pretty big AHA moment relating to FOO stuff/triggers like I talked about up-thread ..... the stuff that you pick up so early in life that it predates language & expression... and wow, did it uncap a lid off of some resentments about my father that I wasn't seeing clearly before.
This is what always happens - it starts with my husband & is a legit argument/issue but it triggers something way, way back that is what I REALLY need to see, accept & heal. When I felt triggered, it was all about controlling the panic & PTSD-ish symptoms that kicked in - I was caught off guard by my own reaction & needed to reflect & process to understand it but since we'd already started actively arguing, I couldn't get myself to disengage. All I could focus on was the overwhelming confusion, panic & anger. And being heard.
As soon as I connected the dots to the source of my resentments, I felt like I'd been struck by lightning & I was brought to my knees with intense & acute pain in the upper part of my stomach. I thought it was because I'd skipped dinner & was about to eat when this happened but it wasn't the same hunger pain I'd felt before. It had me up all night & I finally realized it was more in line with a gall bladder attack than heart or ulcer/stomach issues. (when I looked up the corresponding emotional pain for the gallbladder it was exactly what I was dealing with -EXACTLY)
https://www.chinesemedicineliving.co...e-gallbladder/
That pain flared for a day & a half as I struggled through all the memories & understanding of the emotional stuff I'd uncovered. At about the 2 day mark, we were able to talk rationally & the pain subsided immediately. Part of that conversation was me reaching for understanding from him about My Story/Side & the other was that I did owe him apology for my own words & actions. (he kept asking me to disengage but being in a fog already mentally, I jut couldn't do it & kept following him around to try to explain things again.... of course there was NO way we were going to be able to communicate at that time but my brain had stopped working - when fight or flight kicked in, all the blood flowed out of my brain & into my body & I was energized for a fight but brainless about my argument....... never mind that I didn't even fully understand all of it yet, I was just reacting.)
Codie Relapse. This physical manifestation of my emotional pain left me sore from my heart chakra down to my ankles - you know that feeling of being so sore after a bad virus has you vomiting for a while & your muscles just feel lack & blue from all the contracting? Every joint & muscle hurt & still today, I have a lot of discomfort in my hips & lower back that wasn't there before this. I've stayed active with light/gentle workouts but my body feels like I've taken months off - so much tightness & tenderness. But now I've seen the Monster in the closet around this trigger & I was able to call it out & know it in a new way. It won't attack me like that again, I won't be caught so off guard next time.
Ahead of this by about a week, I had a VERY lengthy convo with DD about my FOO & the current state of things. She had experienced everything as it happened, but didn't really understand it all & likely missed pieces here & there since it wasn't her focus. She wondered how the upcoming holidays were going to look.
So I backed up & told her the whole story, as I know it, starting close to a year ago in early Dec when I had a convo with my sister where I felt like we were finally getting close to the same page & things were ok. Just the glimmer of awareness from her side & I had hope. I took DD through all of the events, stopping for clarity & background info when needed & really put my vulnerability out there by sharing with her some of the dark or damaging thoughts & self-image issues that I still deal with today as a result of so much FOO stuff.
After close to 3 hours & many tears from both of us she gave me the greatest validation I would never have asked for - "I don't see how you CAN do anything about any of this Mom & you're right that it doesn't seem like it's even yours TO fix."
"I don't see you that way Mom - I never have, I never do. I can't imagine that you think those thoughts in your head - it's NOT who you ARE."
How is SHE the most mature one among us??
In the end I realized that part of what I've been holding onto internally was that SOMEDAY my FOO might actually hear My Story without filtering it trough their own experiences. I know now this is never going to happen & that this is me holding on for some sort of validation. I don't need them to agree with me to be right about how I lead my life. I don't need them to agree that my damage was worthy of recovering from. There is no scale of measurement that I have to qualify through - there is no reason to compare our pain for it to be real. I can be victimized in life ~just like them~ without living life AS a victim forever. They are always going to act against their best interests & expect me to save them somehow. None of my life invalidates theirs - just because I survive differently doesn't mean I didn't work as hard or harder to pull myself out of that damaged hole. More than once.
Externally, I knew all of this. Internally - I was holding my breath just a little in some ways. I see that now. I don't need their permission for My Story to be Real.
So I've also informed my husband that with the impending holidays I'm anticipating a call from Mom & some attempt from her to force reconciliation.... and that when said-call arrives I'll be redirecting it to him. I've stayed LC for most of this year & it has her rabid by this point - that's me punishing her & not trying by her definition. But the current issues involve them & him - not me. I'm not getting called to a family meeting when I have nothing nice to say & nothing to apologize for. I don't owe them ANYTHING & for that matter I have tried MANY times to explain myself... it continues to fall on willfully deaf ears.
In our history *I* am the peacemaker - by hook or by crook, I make that happen. I play the mediator, I take the arrows from both sides, I initiate & referee & put myself aside to do so. In the absence of me playing that role, this is just spiraling out over time because NONE of them are able to start hard conversations without blame, judgment, etc. They don't even know what they're so upset ABOUT - not really.
They're all ready to tell one another off over current events but no one is capable of seeing the bigger picture or need for long-term change - well, if I'm being honest, only my husband sees this & tries, but he inserted himself into this FOO mess fully when he went to my sister to borrow money behind my back last year. Now that has become a weapon she uses against me along with her judging me as heartless for not stopping my world for my mother's every need like I did for almost 40 years.
What she can't see is that she's sick of being in my shoes since I've vacated that position in the family & she's taken up the role as Super-Codie in my place. The money thing is something she held onto for a long, long time & then hurled at me as a way of hurting me & humiliating him in one stroke. But she doesn't see ANY of that - in fact, I'm ungrateful & disloyal & "a real piece of work" when I won't be dissuaded from my opinion that she was WRONG all around - both as a sister & a friend.
...all that old crapola is here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rigin-fog.html (FOO (family of origin) FOG)
It may not sound like it - but I'm making progress!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FireSprite…..I will mention, again...what has been mentioned, here, on the forum, before.....The imagery----A dysfunctional family is like a pot full of crabs....when one tries to escape, the others try to pull it back in.....
Along with other things....it sound like there might be a lot of "black and white" thinking, goin on in your Foo....No? If that is true...it makes any conflict almost impossible to resolve, without being a casualty, yourself.
I think that self preservation says that you are entitled...obligated, really...to have strong boundaries around yourself.
Doesn't mean that you have to totally cut yourself off from your family...but, I think that it does mean that you will have to have boundaries as strong as you need them to be, to protect your own welfare.
Maybe your boundaries with a big moat, filled with gators, around them...lol.....
Along with other things....it sound like there might be a lot of "black and white" thinking, goin on in your Foo....No? If that is true...it makes any conflict almost impossible to resolve, without being a casualty, yourself.
I think that self preservation says that you are entitled...obligated, really...to have strong boundaries around yourself.
Doesn't mean that you have to totally cut yourself off from your family...but, I think that it does mean that you will have to have boundaries as strong as you need them to be, to protect your own welfare.
Maybe your boundaries with a big moat, filled with gators, around them...lol.....
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yep - I've used that crab-pot reference many times to describe this situation. It's not even subtle sometimes. When I finally started making progress on my Whole Life Recovery a few years back & the weight loss was starting to show, the very FIRST thing my mother said to me was, "Now you're going to start gaining it back, right?... that's what we do". Um, thanks?
My sister tells a story where my weight loss/maintaining this size is due to stress & is part of what she took as a "clue" that I am suffering due to my husband. Hmmmm..... all that hard externally and internally for years has nothing to do with it?? Do you guys remember how hard I worked through alllll of that back then?
Idk.
What I witness is that their empathy is only relevant to their life experiences. To varying degrees, each player in this dynamic can only touch base with empathy on things they've lived first-hand & then it becomes REAL. Their ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes ~fully, without their own judgments & opinions~ is almost impossible. I think it's possible they see black & white in others & a lot of grey around their own choices. I mean it sincerely when I say they each has a severe lack of awareness - an absolute ignorance that is probably some part denial but who's to say?
There is a tremendous lack of connection between every one of us. The bonds are loose & shallow to begin with so when things get stressed, there isn't a strength to lean into. Since we lived our "roles" rather than our inherent selves/personalities, we only know how to interact with those versions of each other.
Buuuuuttttt...... I've changed. And to be fair, we all have in different ways. We've chosen to walk very different paths over the last several years. Who I am uncovering myself to be doesn't fit their need - and even *I* am amazed to discover just how much of an ACT I've been living all my life. That's why I can't "fix" this & no one is actually hearing anything I'm saying.
I have humbly tried to explain this to each of them, just like I have all of you here at SR & my friends IRL. People who LISTEN say, what a beautiful evolution, fire. Those who are reactive to how my changes no longer fill their needs, tell me I'm selfish & mean.
When I got into it with my sister in April, I kept it to text because it's too easy for things to flare out of control verbally & then you can't even remember what you've said. I wanted to speak with integrity, intentfully. It was probably a dozen messages back & forth. She immediately called my best friend & ranted & cried about the whole thing, calling me every name in the book & telling her I had FORBIDDEN them from speaking. (even friend called BS - Fire would never do that - I didn't). Later when I went back through all the messages with the same friend she was like, WOW - the difference in what she told me & what actually happened is like night & day.
My mother does the exact. same. thing.
To circle back though - my deeper wounds are what *I'm* actually dealing with & uncovering & working through right now. Some of it is, of course, relevant to my mom but a lot of it is still general ACoA stuff too & connected to my dad. It just all keeps circling back & feeding into one another because that's just how it works - what is on the surface is related but separate from that old well of damage.
I appreciate all of you who take the time to read this mind-dump.
My sister tells a story where my weight loss/maintaining this size is due to stress & is part of what she took as a "clue" that I am suffering due to my husband. Hmmmm..... all that hard externally and internally for years has nothing to do with it?? Do you guys remember how hard I worked through alllll of that back then?
there might be a lot of "black and white" thinking, goin on in your Foo....No?
What I witness is that their empathy is only relevant to their life experiences. To varying degrees, each player in this dynamic can only touch base with empathy on things they've lived first-hand & then it becomes REAL. Their ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes ~fully, without their own judgments & opinions~ is almost impossible. I think it's possible they see black & white in others & a lot of grey around their own choices. I mean it sincerely when I say they each has a severe lack of awareness - an absolute ignorance that is probably some part denial but who's to say?
There is a tremendous lack of connection between every one of us. The bonds are loose & shallow to begin with so when things get stressed, there isn't a strength to lean into. Since we lived our "roles" rather than our inherent selves/personalities, we only know how to interact with those versions of each other.
Buuuuuttttt...... I've changed. And to be fair, we all have in different ways. We've chosen to walk very different paths over the last several years. Who I am uncovering myself to be doesn't fit their need - and even *I* am amazed to discover just how much of an ACT I've been living all my life. That's why I can't "fix" this & no one is actually hearing anything I'm saying.
I have humbly tried to explain this to each of them, just like I have all of you here at SR & my friends IRL. People who LISTEN say, what a beautiful evolution, fire. Those who are reactive to how my changes no longer fill their needs, tell me I'm selfish & mean.
When I got into it with my sister in April, I kept it to text because it's too easy for things to flare out of control verbally & then you can't even remember what you've said. I wanted to speak with integrity, intentfully. It was probably a dozen messages back & forth. She immediately called my best friend & ranted & cried about the whole thing, calling me every name in the book & telling her I had FORBIDDEN them from speaking. (even friend called BS - Fire would never do that - I didn't). Later when I went back through all the messages with the same friend she was like, WOW - the difference in what she told me & what actually happened is like night & day.
My mother does the exact. same. thing.
To circle back though - my deeper wounds are what *I'm* actually dealing with & uncovering & working through right now. Some of it is, of course, relevant to my mom but a lot of it is still general ACoA stuff too & connected to my dad. It just all keeps circling back & feeding into one another because that's just how it works - what is on the surface is related but separate from that old well of damage.
I appreciate all of you who take the time to read this mind-dump.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Just want to send you a quick *hug* Fire. You are an inspiration.
(I'm on day two of staying at my mum's house. I'm already going insane....
I only have a few moments to myself as she is out briefly being her codie self with my brother...I was invited to go along... I declined....)
(I'm on day two of staying at my mum's house. I'm already going insane....
I only have a few moments to myself as she is out briefly being her codie self with my brother...I was invited to go along... I declined....)
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Fire, you just keep working on you! Your journey is a wonderful one. You cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own reactions. I know I don't need to tell you that.
You are an inspiration to me, and many others. You have inspired me to dig deep!
You are an inspiration to me, and many others. You have inspired me to dig deep!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I. am. so. triggered. this. week.
I knew it would happen around the holidays but I expected it would be due to forced contact so I'm as surprised as anyone to find that I'm reacting to the exact opposite thing - that there has been NO effort by my FOO in any way. I guess I wasn't prepared for THAT to make me feel even more devalued as a person.
My mother always has & always will defend my sister, her baby. Reflecting over all of this again this week DID allow me to understand that piece completely - my mother never once asked me a single thing about what had happened with my sister - she heard her side & then felt justified in attacking me - you know, defending her baby & all. She never even considered that sis could be the one in the wrong & since she "needs" sis, that's a bridge she does not want to burn. I never even factored in as a person.
My sister texted DD last week for the 1st time since the summer & that sort of lit the fuse I think..... and cemented the idea in my mind that this is really IT for my family. I am essentially orphaned with living relatives.
My niece finally responded when I texted her to wish her a happy birthday recently - and even more shocking was that she responded to my husband as well, so that's a small victory at least.
It's making me angry & hateful. I hope this is just a stage but right now all I can see is that selfish, ignorant people keep passing me by & they all seem blissfully happy. All this hard work to be a better person is getting me nowhere really fast. Why bother?
I knew it would happen around the holidays but I expected it would be due to forced contact so I'm as surprised as anyone to find that I'm reacting to the exact opposite thing - that there has been NO effort by my FOO in any way. I guess I wasn't prepared for THAT to make me feel even more devalued as a person.
My mother always has & always will defend my sister, her baby. Reflecting over all of this again this week DID allow me to understand that piece completely - my mother never once asked me a single thing about what had happened with my sister - she heard her side & then felt justified in attacking me - you know, defending her baby & all. She never even considered that sis could be the one in the wrong & since she "needs" sis, that's a bridge she does not want to burn. I never even factored in as a person.
My sister texted DD last week for the 1st time since the summer & that sort of lit the fuse I think..... and cemented the idea in my mind that this is really IT for my family. I am essentially orphaned with living relatives.
My niece finally responded when I texted her to wish her a happy birthday recently - and even more shocking was that she responded to my husband as well, so that's a small victory at least.
It's making me angry & hateful. I hope this is just a stage but right now all I can see is that selfish, ignorant people keep passing me by & they all seem blissfully happy. All this hard work to be a better person is getting me nowhere really fast. Why bother?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I. am. so. triggered. this. week.
It's making me angry & hateful. I hope this is just a stage but right now all I can see is that selfish, ignorant people keep passing me by & they all seem blissfully happy. All this hard work to be a better person is getting me nowhere really fast. Why bother?
It's making me angry & hateful. I hope this is just a stage but right now all I can see is that selfish, ignorant people keep passing me by & they all seem blissfully happy. All this hard work to be a better person is getting me nowhere really fast. Why bother?
Anyway, there are millions of people on this planet that can benefit from a better you, so why worry about the dozen or so of those who never had your back anyway?
Many times people here have commented about your amazing growth and introspection that you have achieved, and SR certainly outnumbers your FOO.
Have a bad day, have a sad day - that's all well-and-good, but don't diminish how far you've come. That's an accomplishment like no other.
Blessings and Peace!!
COD
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
FS...I am so sorry, somehow I had missed your post. You are an amazing person. If toxic people in your family cannot see that, they are the ones missing out. Doing real work on yourself is hard, and it's painful. Sure, people who have train wreck lives go through happy. However, they are not living as their true selves. Denial is VERY powerful, and one day, they will have to look at their own lives, and it will be painful for them to do so.
Until then, you have a DD who you are an example and an amazing mother to. You are breaking the chain for her, and that is an amazing gift, not only to her, but to you as well.
Don't question yourself friend, your own recovery has been a journey, and it's always in progress. You are doing the right thing.
Huge, huge hugs friend!
Until then, you have a DD who you are an example and an amazing mother to. You are breaking the chain for her, and that is an amazing gift, not only to her, but to you as well.
Don't question yourself friend, your own recovery has been a journey, and it's always in progress. You are doing the right thing.
Huge, huge hugs friend!
Originally Posted by FireSprite
All this hard work to be a better person is getting me nowhere really fast. Why bother?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Super big hugs & thanks all around. You guys are the BEST.
I'm hanging in there, doing better since my last post but wow that was a HARD week. I expect the rest of this month will follow suit to some degree until I get through all the holidays. It's almost every one of our birthdays during this same time period so the triggering events are stacked closely like dominos.
DD & my husband carried the holiday - we ended up having our best ever once I purged all the ugly emotions & levelled out a bit. I helped DD make her first pie completely from scratch & the 2 of them prepared the rest of our meal. We watched videos, played games & he surprised me with a vintage pool table for my upcoming bday/Christmas gifts. I've wanted one for a long time & had no idea this old style was still available - it is nearly identical to the one I grew up with & learned to play on. It has had one owner & was his most loved possession -you can tell. We're having a lot of fun teaching DD how to play.
Meantime, it's just baby steps & a lot of freaking faith. I honor the negative feelings when they rise, but try hard not to wallow & that's never been so hard for me as it is now because so much of this FOO crap ties to my value as a human being - or at least, I'm changing the old programming that related to this because it no longer applies to me.
We have been conducting an experiment in quantum physics at home. We filled 3 identical jars with identical measured amounts of rice & water, capped them & set them aside. They are stored side by side on the same counter, exposed to the exact same environment 24/7 for about a month now.
The only difference is in how they are labelled & the intentions set for each jar. Hate, love & the 3rd is unlabeled - you can call it the Control or, as I refer to it, Indifference.
It has been such an incredible visual reminder to keep focusing on love & ignore all the haters. Words matter, our intentions matter. Look:
I'm hanging in there, doing better since my last post but wow that was a HARD week. I expect the rest of this month will follow suit to some degree until I get through all the holidays. It's almost every one of our birthdays during this same time period so the triggering events are stacked closely like dominos.
DD & my husband carried the holiday - we ended up having our best ever once I purged all the ugly emotions & levelled out a bit. I helped DD make her first pie completely from scratch & the 2 of them prepared the rest of our meal. We watched videos, played games & he surprised me with a vintage pool table for my upcoming bday/Christmas gifts. I've wanted one for a long time & had no idea this old style was still available - it is nearly identical to the one I grew up with & learned to play on. It has had one owner & was his most loved possession -you can tell. We're having a lot of fun teaching DD how to play.
Meantime, it's just baby steps & a lot of freaking faith. I honor the negative feelings when they rise, but try hard not to wallow & that's never been so hard for me as it is now because so much of this FOO crap ties to my value as a human being - or at least, I'm changing the old programming that related to this because it no longer applies to me.
We have been conducting an experiment in quantum physics at home. We filled 3 identical jars with identical measured amounts of rice & water, capped them & set them aside. They are stored side by side on the same counter, exposed to the exact same environment 24/7 for about a month now.
The only difference is in how they are labelled & the intentions set for each jar. Hate, love & the 3rd is unlabeled - you can call it the Control or, as I refer to it, Indifference.
It has been such an incredible visual reminder to keep focusing on love & ignore all the haters. Words matter, our intentions matter. Look:
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi FireSprite,
Wow! is what came to mind seeing this image. Also, w.o.w. - words of wisdom.
Words, meanings, intents are powerful. Thank you for sharing this photo and your experiences, my friend.
Namaste
Mango
Wow! is what came to mind seeing this image. Also, w.o.w. - words of wisdom.
Words, meanings, intents are powerful. Thank you for sharing this photo and your experiences, my friend.
Namaste
Mango
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