Feel guilt for my part, is blaming his drinking just an excuse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Feel guilt for my part, is blaming his drinking just an excuse?
I knew my BF was an alcoholic before we got together. I saw how bad he was, but I also saw what a good person he was without the drinking.
When we decided to move in together, I started drinking with him. The first time I told him he had a drinking problem, he left me. He came back and we tried again. After that, I was afraid to express much, and drank daily myself. It was easier to make his drinking "ok" if I was drinking. The problem was, that I also used the drinking too express my real thoughts, because I could always say that I was sorry, I had been drunk. His actions, to me, always seemed so selfish. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, but not follow through, he would neglect his parental duties because he was drunk, but blame me for his issues with daughter, when he did get her, he would go way above normal and spoil her. We live with my 3 kids, and this was hard on them and me. She did inappropriate things like steal from us, and he wouldn't say anything or dismiss me when I did. He lost his job last year because of drinking. He went through an IOP and was dinner just long enough to get his job back. In the time we've been together of 4 years, he's left me at least 12 times to move into a hotel. The length he's gone had varied from days to months. When he leaves it's after a fight, when both have been drinking. He cuts all contact. I go begging him to come home each time with new ways we'll fix things. Each time I give concessions and he gets more freedom. I've stopped drinking. I've had a few slips when we fought, but I am not actively drinking and don't want to. He asked to stop drinking in order to come home the last time he left. He was also to go to meeting for recovery. He wasn't drinking, but no meetings or help. I have major trust issues from my first and only marriage where I was abused and cheated on. The last couple of times he left, he came back with a message from a girl. Different girls each time. I believe we weren't together, he was drunk and talked to people. Ok, fine. But he won't admit it. I mentioned I had a problem with him on social media and having girls. I was willing to compromise as initially in the past it was no social media, then I let it go to get him back. I explained I needed support for my issues, and him sitting there on social media was to me like him sitting there next to him with a beer saying it's ok, it's your issue not mine. He refused to compromise. I drank. He left. I told him the truth, that I didn't believe him that he never talked to the girls. He came back the next day and took all of his stuff while I was at work. And I feel responsible for the problems in our relationship. I feel like I'm a nut and bad person. I did apologize to him for bringing alcohol into the house. Am I just using his alcoholism as excuse to not blame myself?
When we decided to move in together, I started drinking with him. The first time I told him he had a drinking problem, he left me. He came back and we tried again. After that, I was afraid to express much, and drank daily myself. It was easier to make his drinking "ok" if I was drinking. The problem was, that I also used the drinking too express my real thoughts, because I could always say that I was sorry, I had been drunk. His actions, to me, always seemed so selfish. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, but not follow through, he would neglect his parental duties because he was drunk, but blame me for his issues with daughter, when he did get her, he would go way above normal and spoil her. We live with my 3 kids, and this was hard on them and me. She did inappropriate things like steal from us, and he wouldn't say anything or dismiss me when I did. He lost his job last year because of drinking. He went through an IOP and was dinner just long enough to get his job back. In the time we've been together of 4 years, he's left me at least 12 times to move into a hotel. The length he's gone had varied from days to months. When he leaves it's after a fight, when both have been drinking. He cuts all contact. I go begging him to come home each time with new ways we'll fix things. Each time I give concessions and he gets more freedom. I've stopped drinking. I've had a few slips when we fought, but I am not actively drinking and don't want to. He asked to stop drinking in order to come home the last time he left. He was also to go to meeting for recovery. He wasn't drinking, but no meetings or help. I have major trust issues from my first and only marriage where I was abused and cheated on. The last couple of times he left, he came back with a message from a girl. Different girls each time. I believe we weren't together, he was drunk and talked to people. Ok, fine. But he won't admit it. I mentioned I had a problem with him on social media and having girls. I was willing to compromise as initially in the past it was no social media, then I let it go to get him back. I explained I needed support for my issues, and him sitting there on social media was to me like him sitting there next to him with a beer saying it's ok, it's your issue not mine. He refused to compromise. I drank. He left. I told him the truth, that I didn't believe him that he never talked to the girls. He came back the next day and took all of his stuff while I was at work. And I feel responsible for the problems in our relationship. I feel like I'm a nut and bad person. I did apologize to him for bringing alcohol into the house. Am I just using his alcoholism as excuse to not blame myself?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Hi Cod, It does sound like you have been through the wringer with this guy. His drinking is absolutely not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it.
That you chose this guy and kept him in your life so long, that is what is on you. It looks like your "partner picker" might be a bit broken. Many of us here have that problem.
If you haven't yet, please get a copy of Codependent No More and you might give Codependents Annonymous a try. It isn't for everyone but could help you figure out what you can and can't change
That you chose this guy and kept him in your life so long, that is what is on you. It looks like your "partner picker" might be a bit broken. Many of us here have that problem.
If you haven't yet, please get a copy of Codependent No More and you might give Codependents Annonymous a try. It isn't for everyone but could help you figure out what you can and can't change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Thank you. My partner picker is certainly a mess. I am codependent and am working on getting help and recovery. Right now I feel so upside down and just want peace! I think part of the reason I go back each time is to get this feeling to stop, although temporarily.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Codependedy…...I echo the suggestion that you read "Codependency No More"….it is an easy read and I am sure that you will find a lot that will resonate with you….
I also suggest that you read the articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....There are over 100 of them...so you can read and "digest" one every single day...lol...
There is sooo much to know...and, knowledge is power....
I am giving you a link to these articles (they are also in the stickies at the top of the threads)….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Your drinking with him is not the cause of his alcoholism or his treatment of you....
Nothing that you did...or did not do....would have made a difference....
It is all within him...
3 Cs......You did not Cause it; You can't Control it' You can't Cure it....
I also suggest that you read the articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....There are over 100 of them...so you can read and "digest" one every single day...lol...
There is sooo much to know...and, knowledge is power....
I am giving you a link to these articles (they are also in the stickies at the top of the threads)….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Your drinking with him is not the cause of his alcoholism or his treatment of you....
Nothing that you did...or did not do....would have made a difference....
It is all within him...
3 Cs......You did not Cause it; You can't Control it' You can't Cure it....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Maybe it’s time to just concentrate on yourself and three precious children?
The only person that can save this situation is you.
Maybe it’s time to exit the crazy train ? and restore healthy normal balance to their lives, and yours too. You have to be wore out and exhausted from living like this.
Nothing in this situation is changing, you want change, then you are going to have to be the change.
I do remember how everything just keeps snowballing, and before we know it we are paralyzed from the weight of the insanity. We actual forget what normal is.
There are obvious trust issue, and addiction issues, I am struggling with what you are fighting so hard to preserve. This is a toxic situation, it cannot be viewed as a relationship.. you are an adult, you can live as you see fit, but your kids shouldn’t have to live in the cold dark hole with you.
Not intending to come across as cruel, I just know in life , we lead by example, is this the example you want your children to be living one day?
Bottom line, you should never have to beg someone to be in your life, NEVER.
You all deserve better.
The only person that can save this situation is you.
Maybe it’s time to exit the crazy train ? and restore healthy normal balance to their lives, and yours too. You have to be wore out and exhausted from living like this.
Nothing in this situation is changing, you want change, then you are going to have to be the change.
I do remember how everything just keeps snowballing, and before we know it we are paralyzed from the weight of the insanity. We actual forget what normal is.
There are obvious trust issue, and addiction issues, I am struggling with what you are fighting so hard to preserve. This is a toxic situation, it cannot be viewed as a relationship.. you are an adult, you can live as you see fit, but your kids shouldn’t have to live in the cold dark hole with you.
Not intending to come across as cruel, I just know in life , we lead by example, is this the example you want your children to be living one day?
Bottom line, you should never have to beg someone to be in your life, NEVER.
You all deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I complained about BF to sponsor her response was "well, you picked him."
OUCH! But thanks to Alanon I understood that is the real problem and unless I want to keep picking loosers I must change.
OUCH! But thanks to Alanon I understood that is the real problem and unless I want to keep picking loosers I must change.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Codependy, Welcome!
Yeah, one of the characteristics of codependent learned behaviors is that we think everyone's happiness is our responsibility. Which means we believe that their unhappiness and dysfunction is our fault--and it's not. Not by a long shot.
You are not a nut. You are not a bad person.
I'm sorry for all you have been through with these two relationships. I hope that you can seek out help to unlearn these responses and to help you pick a good man, if that is what you want.
Please come here any time to read, ask questions, or just vent!
Yeah, one of the characteristics of codependent learned behaviors is that we think everyone's happiness is our responsibility. Which means we believe that their unhappiness and dysfunction is our fault--and it's not. Not by a long shot.
You are not a nut. You are not a bad person.
I'm sorry for all you have been through with these two relationships. I hope that you can seek out help to unlearn these responses and to help you pick a good man, if that is what you want.
Please come here any time to read, ask questions, or just vent!
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