AND a giant leap backwards
 

I feel like I've made some good progress and I am going to meetings. However, I couldn't stop myself from doing all the bad things I was doing before.

Saturday, I came home to stepson(16) and AH at each others throats. I intervened and sent SS to his room and made AH stay outside on the patio.

AH tried to come at me and I lost it. I just couldn't hold it together. I told him he wants to come at me with hateful words, fine, I don't believe anything he says anyway. But he is not going to do it to the kids.

While I agree that my stepson is ridiculously lazy and it's easier to beat your head against a brick wall than it is to get him to do ANYTHING. I have accepted that this is a part of him being a teenager as well as crappy parenting from his mom and AH. You can't not enforce rules/chores/etc and then get mad when he doesn't abide by the rules or do any chores.

I said a lot of things I shouldn't have, I just couldn't stop.

I think my SS should have cut the grass when asked or take out the trash or whatever but I just don't think AH has the right to blow up at him when he doesn't do these things when he chooses not to have any rules for him.

I did apologize for the things I said. (You need AA, therapy, how are you doing to deal with the stress of being a cop when you can't deal with a pleasant encounter with you mom and sister (it's usually a horrible confrontation) without going on a 2-3 day bender? you get the point)

It's ok... progress not perfection, right? :hug:

We ALL have these moments!!

Well, what an encounter and how awful.

That's built up resentment right there. So even when not in the encounter you are carrying all this around?

If you weren't then your reaction might have been different (I'm not saying that it could have been different to comfort AH and SS - I mean for your own well being).

So maybe just look at it as another one of those calls to take a look at how detached you really are and how you can shake off those resentments?

I'm probably not as detached as I think I am. I work on it daily though...

Been there, and that's ok. You see it for what it was, just keep on moving forward! Be kind to yourself, it's not easy!

Sorry for your situation. I think it's very healthy for everyone to see your honest post and to be able to see that, that is what real life looks like. We are all working on detaching and self care but real life dictates we are human and not robots!