amy55

My name is Ann Marie, I use the name Amy here, I also use the name Jynx. This all may sound crazy, but it was the way that I survived. See, Ann Marie, was going through all of this stuff, Amy was the investigator, and Jynx was the one who told Ann Marie and Amy, when are you going to stop this? You've been through all of this, nothing worked, just get out before you lose your sanity.

Amy was the worst. She bought all of those self help books to try to figure out how to fix another person, while Ann Marie was in the hospital, after being hit. Amy never wanted to give up hope. She wanted to proove that she was loved. Amy kept researching and researching. I think Amy might have at least 50 self help books. Books on how to fix a relationship, books about BPD, also books on Why Does He Do That. Amy wanted to try to figure out the insanity of things. Amy was never going to give up. She never used those books to help herself, she kept using them to figure out how to make sense out of non-sense. It was also for her to know how to fix herself so someone would love her (her husband). Amy was a perfectionist. She grew up that way, was always being told that she was stupid and fat. (Ann Marie was actually an A+ student, and weighed 110lbs). But, Amy was always down on her own self esteem.

I think sometimes it was helpful to me to give names to some of my personalities. Also sorry, if this sounds crazy to people here. I just think that is how I survived.

I guess I have to say that I am a very scientific and mathematically inclined. Things need to make sense to me. Weird. Sometimes we spend years trying to make sense of something and we just lose our entire being. We no longer know what we want, because we have someone telling us what we want or need. We are perfectionist, which is our downfall, we never want to upset someone, so we do our best not to, and that is all detrimental to us. Our feeling, our thoughts, our values, our opinions are just cast aside. We do this because we really never felt loved and we will give up everything for it. Just to feel loved.

I remember hearing many times that you can't really love another person unless you love yourself. You can't give love if you have no love for yourself.

I may be all over the place right now, but I am just typing as thoughts come to my mind, so please forgive me.

So, this one day, Ann Marie couldn't handle things anymore, Amy had no answers, and Jynx jumped in and said, Get in the Car now and leave. Jynx said, you can't make sense out of non-sense, nothing is ever going to change, it's only going to get worse. You've seen it getting worse, and worse. Get in the dam car. Ann Marie did just that.

I know all of the thoughts that people have when they contemplate leaving, I've been through it all. After going through all that I went through, I say "Don't be like Amy". If you don't feel good in a situation, then you don't feel good in a situation. Trust your own gut and never try to figure out how to change a person. If you need to try to change a person, then that person, is not the person for you.

I am now very happy with my life. I still embrace "Amy", and "Jynx", but I now listen more to jynx, especially when I am playing pool, Jynx is very focused, and you don't fool around with Jynx.

((((hugs))))) to everyone
amy

Dee74

I'm glad you're happy Amy

D

Leelee168

Amy,

I get it. I get you. An abusive relationship is something that one can never understand, until you have been in one. An outsider can’t understand how focused on survival, day-to-day survival, you become. It’s a “keep everyone safe, keep myself safe, keep the abuser calm, don’t say anything, don’t make eye contact” existence.

We do what we have to do. I would imagine myself as someone who was powerful to get through work every day, because inside I was exhausted and crumbling and always on the verge of tears and not feeling powerful at all. I had to make myself believe that I could fool others with the facade that everything was okay. I had so much going on at home and honestly couldn’t answer the inevitable questions that I would get, like “why didn’t/don’t you leave”? I still hate that question, and I still have no good answer for it. You want to think you can fix things and that you haven’t wasted all that time with some loser, because you still love the person they were, or might be again. I struggle with that less, because mine has done some heinous things and I keep finding out more and more every day.

We’re actually very strong, although we don’t believe that we are most days. You are strong and you came through something unbelievable.

Hugs to you.

Glenjo99

Interesting to hear your take on all the self help books. My house is like a library, learning about codependency and dealing with detaching from someone I miss.

I have forgotten how to have fun. I'd love to just, leave everything behind and start fresh in a new country, forget it ever happened. This learning is too hard

dandylion

Amy55......excellent post...very well spoken....

dawnrising

Oh %#&@!!! I think my name used to be Amy too .

amy55

Over the years, "Amy" has gotten a little bit better. "Jynx" had to hit her in the head many times with a 2 by 4, to get her to change her "one-track mind", but it finally worked. She still researches all the time, but Ann Marie and Jynx now tell her what to research, since she still needs to do this. We tell her to research how to house train a puppy, or how to fix a toilet, or design a garden for next year with plants that are not poisonous to a dog. Then Jynx and I leave Amy at the computer and we go outside and enjoy our tea while the puppy runs around.

I just can't believe all of the time that I spent researching how to change a person. You know, after the divorce, I even had a heart to heart with myself. I had to ask myself about when it was ending or even years before it ended, if I honestly loved him, or if I just needed to prove that I was lovable, and that I was wronged. I think I stayed more for validation, then for how I actually felt. Even if I was able to change him, I had already changed, and I really didn't love him anymore, and don't know if I could have those same feelings for him. I was just so wrapped up in trying to "fix" him, that I was no longer thinking of how I was actually feeling.

I think back to all of those years that I lost, when I was trying to fix him, and now knowing that even if he changed, I would still never trust him again. I did lose that "loving feeling". I was trying to prove a point, but even if I did prove that point, what would it mean? He hurt me too much !!! I would have always walked on eggshells around him. I would always have been afraid to "be me".

I'm not saying it's the same for everyone. Some may have a partner that truly wants to change. I didn't.

So "Amy", "Jynx", and I are doing just fine. When one of us is doing something stupid, the other ones tell us. Also, I have SR for a balance check.

(((((((hugs))))))))
amy, aka Ann Marie, Jynx

amy55

PS - I don't want anyone here to think that I have dissociative identity disorder, I just chose to give names to myself, my heart and my brain.

hopeful4

Good stuff friend! Thank you for sharing!

slolewaknup

I am definitely an Amy.
I am surrounded by Jynx's. Thank goodness! They make me face the reality of my situations.
I have been seeing things differently and working on saving myself.

I have silently followed your posts. You are definitely an inspiration.

Thank you for posting. It has helped me.