mamabear26

This past weekend visitation was hard.

Saturday: The whole catechism issue was resolved but other unexpected people were nearby. DS7 said he learned at catechism how the Earth was created. I'm glad that my DS7 was not affected by anybody or anything going on at catechism. I am disappointed in myself for letting my STBAXH and the women he has been seeing get to me. I'm glad I didn't lose my cool and say anything to him directly but my facial expression said it all. I don't like to show when things bother me. I'm trying to work on it. I couldn't help but feel defensive because I felt like my STBAXH set me up. I keep reminding myself that I cant expect normal behavior from a sick person.

Sunday: I drew another line in the sand with STBAXH. I asked him through text that he stay off my property, he may text me when he is outside and wait for the boys in the car. My reasoning for this is to avoid any conflict. He would normally get off his car come ring the door bell then go back in his car and wait. Also I don't feel comfortable with him anywhere near me. Important reason is also to have a documented time of his arrival for the kids. He actually honored my request and texted me when he arrived. DS11 didn't want to go again so I took DS7 out to him. I opened his car door and I could immediately smell smoke. My STBAXH is a chain smoker. I have always been strict with him about this because our boys both have asthma. I had addressed this issue twice in the last few months. The first time I addressed this I had texted him saying that I smelled smoke in his car and I ask him to not smoke in his car because the boys have asthma. He never responded. Both my sons each visit the ER at least once a year because when they get really sick they both often have problems breathing due to asthma. When we were together his car was a literal astray. I never allowed him to transport the kids in his car because the smell was so strong. So today right after he left with DS7 I texted him saying "This is the 2nd time I have to address that your car smelled like smoke. The next time I smell smoke in your car. I will not let you take {kids** in your car and you will have to use your mom's or dad's car to pick up kids." He never responded. If its not one thing its another with him. He knows how serious I take this because my boys get so sick.

I feel emotionally exhausted from this weekend. I have been crying both days. I hate having to be a witch about things but I feel like its important that I make boundary lines for my safety and more importantly my kids safety. Its still sometimes hard for me to grasp the fact that he has done everything he has done and shows no remorse on how he has negatively impacted my kids life and my life (someone who has been there for him for 14 years.)

Nata1980

Sorry you are hurting.

Chances of him showing remorse are slim to none. Smoking is nasty - XAH just bought a new truck but smokes in it. Can say good bye to resale value.

I would talk to your lawyer - maybe smoking can be written into parenting plan as a condition. Since kids have medical condition where second hand smoke is detrimental.

mamabear26

I feel o have a good stride of me doing good and then something happens. I feel like I am back at square one.

I know there is very little chance that he will ever have empathy for what he has put me and my kids through.

I think it maybe too late to add it to my divorce decree. In the future, if he continues to be a problem. I'll probably ask for a modification.

FeelingGreat

Mama, how we talk to ourselves makes a difference. Reading your posts, it's quite clear you are not at square one. You have made some significant advances, like getting him to wait outside the fence for you. Maybe you could reframe it along the lines of 'I have approached every challenge thoughtfully, and I am making progress, not as fast as I'd like but the best I can do, and I'll get better as I go along.'

Why not take an evidence based approach to the smoke issue? One thought might be to get a letter from your doctor explaining that smoke triggers asthma, and stressing the importance of them not being exposed to it. That turns it from a 'nagging ex' issue to a medical one, and its amazing how bringing in someone from outside can change an attitude.

I'm not saying it would turn your ex into a considerate thoughtful person ( I can't believe any parent would expose their children to that) but it might have some influence, coming from a third party.

mamabear26

Thank you for your insight. I think I'm just hard on myself. I know that I have came a long way but I know that I have a ways more to go.

The last time my X went to an annual physical appointment with me for kids which was years ago. The doctor asked if anyone smoked cigarettes that lives in our home. I told the doctor that he did. The doctor explained to him that it is important that he stop because he can worsen their asthma. So he has been fully aware for the last 11 years how it is a health risk for our kids but he still continues.

SmallButMighty

A letter from a doctor about the effects of smoke on your asthmatic children could help having visitation specifications changed by legal means.

I think you are doing great mambear, I've seen you gaining strength and wisdom in the time you have been with us. Keep trusting your instincts.

*hugs*

hopeful4

I know it's hard but you are right to make these boundaries and create a paper trail.

Big hugs!

mamabear26

Yes, that is my next step to get a letter from their doctor. Thank you for the advice : )

mamabear26

I'm trying to make sure I have documentation to back me up if I need to go back to court again. Thank you.