I feel I'm at a crossroads
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
I feel I'm at a crossroads
I've been with my alcoholic bf for almost 4 years. In that time, he has left me at least 12 times, each time after a fight. I started drinking right along with him because, as I see it now that I've stopped, it was easier to go along with it and make it "ok" rather than tell him it wasn't and risk him leaving. He left Thursday night. He had been sober for a month, but in no program. Last night I got a message from my sister my dad had a heart attack. I called my BF because I felt I needed support. He had yet to respond in any way, so I know he's drinking again. He would never ignore me for that sober. I'm at the point where enough is enough. I can't take the pain of him leaving again and again, and also it being my fault. I'm just afraid of the long term pain of not being with him, as when things were good, they were really good. Yes, I know how pathetic that sounds, but it's true. When he wasn't drinking, he is the sweetest, most caring and loving man. Any thoughts that would help me would be appreciated.
Thank you
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Hi Codependy! I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 2 years and he wasn't drinking anymore but wasn't in a program or in therapy either. And he left me again and again, always after fights, would not talk to me for days or weeks and then take it back and was loving and caring again. And also it was always my fault. EVERYTHING. He shouted at me? I made him do it! I was the one who had to change. First I was too clingy and then I was too independent. I couldn't make things right. Either I wasn't talking openly enough about my feelings or I was "taking my problems out on him"....
But when things went well, it was amazing and I felt so loved and happier than with anyone else.
He broke up with me this summer, again after a stupid fight that was my fault again according to him. (I complained about him being inconsiderate which was rude, unreasonable and controlling of me he said...). At the time he ended it, I was in hospital wit a broken leg.
And then once I was out of hospital he wanted to have no contact but promised me we'd meet some day when I'm better to talk about why he ended it. Then a few weeks later I had a miscarriage and told him about it. He blocked me and said I was guilt tripping him by saying that I think it's a shared responsibility.
I never expected any of this from him. I thought that he was a bit hot headed in arguments and that's why he broke up with me so many times. But I was convinced that underneath, he has a good heart and is a decent person who cares about me very deeply.
The timing of his break up, the way he didn't even support me as a friend and that he even blocked me when I was feeling very bad because of something we had "caused" together, opened my eyes to who he really is. And that he in fact was a very controlling and abusive partner. I don't know if this is the same for you but the good times being so good (honeymoon phase), the frequent breaking up (it's a way to punish / control) and also blaming you for everything rings a bell and seems very similar to my relationship.
I stayed in the relationship and was fighting for it because I didn't see what was happening and because I thought if we succeed in working through it, it would be always as good as it was during the good times. And I tolerated the pain of the constant break ups and arguments.
Now it's been 3 months since it ended. It's still painful at times. No longer so much because I miss him but because I noticed what he did, how he treated me and who he really is. I'm still sad that the person I thought he was didn't really exist like that. But I'm also glad that I am no longer trying to understand why he again is so angry at me, why again he is treating me like I am his enemy, why again he is not talking to me, why again he has ended it, why again he doesn't understand me, why again he thinks it's all my fault, why why why.
I feel lonely and I feel hurt and sad. But I am glad that I am no longer fighting for something that doesn't exist and hoping for something that will never happen.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 2 years and he wasn't drinking anymore but wasn't in a program or in therapy either. And he left me again and again, always after fights, would not talk to me for days or weeks and then take it back and was loving and caring again. And also it was always my fault. EVERYTHING. He shouted at me? I made him do it! I was the one who had to change. First I was too clingy and then I was too independent. I couldn't make things right. Either I wasn't talking openly enough about my feelings or I was "taking my problems out on him"....
But when things went well, it was amazing and I felt so loved and happier than with anyone else.
He broke up with me this summer, again after a stupid fight that was my fault again according to him. (I complained about him being inconsiderate which was rude, unreasonable and controlling of me he said...). At the time he ended it, I was in hospital wit a broken leg.
And then once I was out of hospital he wanted to have no contact but promised me we'd meet some day when I'm better to talk about why he ended it. Then a few weeks later I had a miscarriage and told him about it. He blocked me and said I was guilt tripping him by saying that I think it's a shared responsibility.
I never expected any of this from him. I thought that he was a bit hot headed in arguments and that's why he broke up with me so many times. But I was convinced that underneath, he has a good heart and is a decent person who cares about me very deeply.
The timing of his break up, the way he didn't even support me as a friend and that he even blocked me when I was feeling very bad because of something we had "caused" together, opened my eyes to who he really is. And that he in fact was a very controlling and abusive partner. I don't know if this is the same for you but the good times being so good (honeymoon phase), the frequent breaking up (it's a way to punish / control) and also blaming you for everything rings a bell and seems very similar to my relationship.
I stayed in the relationship and was fighting for it because I didn't see what was happening and because I thought if we succeed in working through it, it would be always as good as it was during the good times. And I tolerated the pain of the constant break ups and arguments.
Now it's been 3 months since it ended. It's still painful at times. No longer so much because I miss him but because I noticed what he did, how he treated me and who he really is. I'm still sad that the person I thought he was didn't really exist like that. But I'm also glad that I am no longer trying to understand why he again is so angry at me, why again he is treating me like I am his enemy, why again he is not talking to me, why again he has ended it, why again he doesn't understand me, why again he thinks it's all my fault, why why why.
I feel lonely and I feel hurt and sad. But I am glad that I am no longer fighting for something that doesn't exist and hoping for something that will never happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Codependy, I'm not going to kid you--any relationship that ends will cause hurt and heartache, even those that are toxic and/or abusive. It seems to me that you are trying to rationalize staying in a toxic relationship because the hurt will be too great if you leave. I want to suggest something else: long term, the hurt will be much, much worse if you stay. Yes, there are going to be times when it sucks after you end the relationship but what would you prefer, a warm body or someone who supports you. Right now, all you're getting is a warm body, when he feels like it.
The ultimate decision is yours. What are your long term goals and is this guy going to help you meet them, or can he even meet them? I'm five months out from the end of a relationship with an abusive A and I can tell you that it does get better. I didn't believe it back in May or June, but now the heartache is much less and the flashbacks are fewer.
Best to you.
The ultimate decision is yours. What are your long term goals and is this guy going to help you meet them, or can he even meet them? I'm five months out from the end of a relationship with an abusive A and I can tell you that it does get better. I didn't believe it back in May or June, but now the heartache is much less and the flashbacks are fewer.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, codependy.
Welcome.
Best to stay away, I think.
Life with an alcohol addict is a hard, hard road that never gets better unless he/she embraces sobriety.
Honestly? Better to be on your own.
Peace.
Welcome.
Best to stay away, I think.
Life with an alcohol addict is a hard, hard road that never gets better unless he/she embraces sobriety.
Honestly? Better to be on your own.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Thank you so much for sharing. It makes me see that I'm not alone, that this happened to someone else, although for your sake, I wish it hadn't. And I'm truly sorry for your miscarriage and loss. My heart goes out to you.
It's so hard to see him as the manipulator and cold person, when so often he is wonderful. But there are definitely two sides. I used to think of the other side as him being taken over by the demon of alcohol. Which is probably true, but he has a choice to hurt me, and he does.
My head knows I have to stay away. I just have to stick to it this time.
It's so hard to see him as the manipulator and cold person, when so often he is wonderful. But there are definitely two sides. I used to think of the other side as him being taken over by the demon of alcohol. Which is probably true, but he has a choice to hurt me, and he does.
My head knows I have to stay away. I just have to stick to it this time.
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 
Hi Codependy! I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 2 years and he wasn't drinking anymore but wasn't in a program or in therapy either. And he left me again and again, always after fights, would not talk to me for days or weeks and then take it back and was loving and caring again. And also it was always my fault. EVERYTHING. He shouted at me? I made him do it! I was the one who had to change. First I was too clingy and then I was too independent. I couldn't make things right. Either I wasn't talking openly enough about my feelings or I was "taking my problems out on him"....
But when things went well, it was amazing and I felt so loved and happier than with anyone else.
He broke up with me this summer, again after a stupid fight that was my fault again according to him. (I complained about him being inconsiderate which was rude, unreasonable and controlling of me he said...). At the time he ended it, I was in hospital wit a broken leg.
And then once I was out of hospital he wanted to have no contact but promised me we'd meet some day when I'm better to talk about why he ended it. Then a few weeks later I had a miscarriage and told him about it. He blocked me and said I was guilt tripping him by saying that I think it's a shared responsibility.
I never expected any of this from him. I thought that he was a bit hot headed in arguments and that's why he broke up with me so many times. But I was convinced that underneath, he has a good heart and is a decent person who cares about me very deeply.
The timing of his break up, the way he didn't even support me as a friend and that he even blocked me when I was feeling very bad because of something we had "caused" together, opened my eyes to who he really is. And that he in fact was a very controlling and abusive partner. I don't know if this is the same for you but the good times being so good (honeymoon phase), the frequent breaking up (it's a way to punish / control) and also blaming you for everything rings a bell and seems very similar to my relationship.
I stayed in the relationship and was fighting for it because I didn't see what was happening and because I thought if we succeed in working through it, it would be always as good as it was during the good times. And I tolerated the pain of the constant break ups and arguments.
Now it's been 3 months since it ended. It's still painful at times. No longer so much because I miss him but because I noticed what he did, how he treated me and who he really is. I'm still sad that the person I thought he was didn't really exist like that. But I'm also glad that I am no longer trying to understand why he again is so angry at me, why again he is treating me like I am his enemy, why again he is not talking to me, why again he has ended it, why again he doesn't understand me, why again he thinks it's all my fault, why why why.
I feel lonely and I feel hurt and sad. But I am glad that I am no longer fighting for something that doesn't exist and hoping for something that will never happen.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 2 years and he wasn't drinking anymore but wasn't in a program or in therapy either. And he left me again and again, always after fights, would not talk to me for days or weeks and then take it back and was loving and caring again. And also it was always my fault. EVERYTHING. He shouted at me? I made him do it! I was the one who had to change. First I was too clingy and then I was too independent. I couldn't make things right. Either I wasn't talking openly enough about my feelings or I was "taking my problems out on him"....
But when things went well, it was amazing and I felt so loved and happier than with anyone else.
He broke up with me this summer, again after a stupid fight that was my fault again according to him. (I complained about him being inconsiderate which was rude, unreasonable and controlling of me he said...). At the time he ended it, I was in hospital wit a broken leg.
And then once I was out of hospital he wanted to have no contact but promised me we'd meet some day when I'm better to talk about why he ended it. Then a few weeks later I had a miscarriage and told him about it. He blocked me and said I was guilt tripping him by saying that I think it's a shared responsibility.
I never expected any of this from him. I thought that he was a bit hot headed in arguments and that's why he broke up with me so many times. But I was convinced that underneath, he has a good heart and is a decent person who cares about me very deeply.
The timing of his break up, the way he didn't even support me as a friend and that he even blocked me when I was feeling very bad because of something we had "caused" together, opened my eyes to who he really is. And that he in fact was a very controlling and abusive partner. I don't know if this is the same for you but the good times being so good (honeymoon phase), the frequent breaking up (it's a way to punish / control) and also blaming you for everything rings a bell and seems very similar to my relationship.
I stayed in the relationship and was fighting for it because I didn't see what was happening and because I thought if we succeed in working through it, it would be always as good as it was during the good times. And I tolerated the pain of the constant break ups and arguments.
Now it's been 3 months since it ended. It's still painful at times. No longer so much because I miss him but because I noticed what he did, how he treated me and who he really is. I'm still sad that the person I thought he was didn't really exist like that. But I'm also glad that I am no longer trying to understand why he again is so angry at me, why again he is treating me like I am his enemy, why again he is not talking to me, why again he has ended it, why again he doesn't understand me, why again he thinks it's all my fault, why why why.
I feel lonely and I feel hurt and sad. But I am glad that I am no longer fighting for something that doesn't exist and hoping for something that will never happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Thank you!
Originally Posted by Leelee168
Codependy, I'm not going to kid you--any relationship that ends will cause hurt and heartache, even those that are toxic and/or abusive. It seems to me that you are trying to rationalize staying in a toxic relationship because the hurt will be too great if you leave. I want to suggest something else: long term, the hurt will be much, much worse if you stay. Yes, there are going to be times when it sucks after you end the relationship but what would you prefer, a warm body or someone who supports you. Right now, all you're getting is a warm body, when he feels like it.
The ultimate decision is yours. What are your long term goals and is this guy going to help you meet them, or can he even meet them? I'm five months out from the end of a relationship with an abusive A and I can tell you that it does get better. I didn't believe it back in May or June, but now the heartache is much less and the flashbacks are fewer.
Best to you.
The ultimate decision is yours. What are your long term goals and is this guy going to help you meet them, or can he even meet them? I'm five months out from the end of a relationship with an abusive A and I can tell you that it does get better. I didn't believe it back in May or June, but now the heartache is much less and the flashbacks are fewer.
Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Thank you
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, codependy.
Welcome.
Best to stay away, I think.
Life with an alcohol addict is a hard, hard road that never gets better unless he/she embraces sobriety.
Honestly? Better to be on your own.
Peace.
Welcome.
Best to stay away, I think.
Life with an alcohol addict is a hard, hard road that never gets better unless he/she embraces sobriety.
Honestly? Better to be on your own.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Only you can decide what is best for you but I filed for divorce in May and left that day. I had many hard times the first few months, I knew it would be hard but wanted my life back. I had to talk to my ex when we were finalizing the divorce but now that it is over, he angry drunk texts me every weekend and I do not respond and actually very happy I am out of that lifestyle, He is drinking his life away and I am getting mine back. Good luck to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
