Shredder22

Hi all,
Happy Sunday is fun day. I have been having occasional dreams/Nightmares if he is with his child's mom/ making his physical therapy appts/ or has a job now as I lost a lot of $ I take accountability for enabling. The gov't never stops making money I'll recoup my loss.

I did address this with my therapist she thinks it's normal. Nighttime is the worst w ruminating or insomnia it's normal to feel saddened/angry/jealous in your subconscious. I have ptsd I understand that is a me problem and nobody has to give me a pity card

My days I stay busy, working again, I think dating all users/addicts/abusers this last one was the final straw. I'm no contact to the death of me. I can never look back. Everyone who said you can never figure out an addicts mind it will drive you insane is totally right. Sometimes my mind has a full time prosecutor lacking a defense attorney. Please know I'm fighting like I'm Losing to get over him. I can't control my dreams. I see my therapist, church is at 6 pm tonight, I had a nice breakfast. I try. I cry. A year ago I would have never imagined this I didn't see the red flags at all.

I am proud of myself I got rid of all our pics in June, camcorder videos cracking jokes, any ily notes, anything of him I tossed it. I even sold my bed I didn't enjoy sleeping on the memories. I was reading about breakups it takes most people 6 weeks or more to even face that. Even though my code ways were chasing him around wanting closure I saw the writing on the wall it was over.

I want this chapter over......i know let it pass baby steps I wish it would hurry. I think why I feel this way he was the first man to propose to me and whisper sweet nothing's and wanted a family. In hindsight that would be hell on earth but all my other exes most were sober and nastier than them. Being a code I was used by every ex but I was used and also told things that gave me hope. Maybe he just said that out of the enabling and supply I gave him. He really did a number on my head I refuse to let a stranger with memories sabotage my future.
Vets, am I going through the process of healing?
Blessings,
Shredder

Glenjo99

"He really did a number on my head". God I can so relate to that!

Shredder22

Lol we are the summer 18 roller coaster friends. I just responded. I think we have ESP. I'm happy we talk on the net.

Glenjo99

Me too, were in sync!

BoxinRotz

Well Ms Shredder, You're 48 and have the rest of your life to go on and make new memories. Right? Close the chapter of your nightmares and go on to dream big!

Shredder22

I'm 34 hope you are feeling ok sometimes I feel 84.

BoxinRotz

I thought I read in a thread that you were 48.

Shredder22

I'm 34. February 25 Pisces. I'll be 35 this February I feel I havnt done much w my life but help others who walked off on me once my resources dried up. I remember 18 like yesterday I wish I could go back and change who I chose to date. I'm feeling sad today so please don't mind me. I hope your feeling better after your surgery and I'm sorry you were given an AA book that would **** me off as well. Wishing you the best

BoxinRotz

Why would you post that you're 48 then? Whether you're on a keyboard SLAMMIN keys in mom's basement or on your phone in the basement, 34 n 48 are far apart, especially the 4 and 8. I may be jumping off the deep end but I'm pretty damn sure the pool is full.

SparkleKitty

Rotz, I think Shredder meant 48 (days) no contact.

BoxinRotz

Ok. My apologies then.

Shredder22

Have a great day.

hopeful4

Schredder, I do think you are healing. Just the process of being self aware is part of it, and you are definitely self aware. It's steps. They take a while. Give yourself some grace and take it a day at a time!

Shredder22

I appreciate your apology but was going back to an old thread that I apologized for a few weeks ago and asked if we could all put it in the past need to be pulled up in quotations. I was empathetic to your surgery, as well as getting tossed an alcoholics anymous books excuse the error if anymous was spelled wrong. I understand you have more clout than me on here and online friends. Maybe you are not over I defended myself to your friend and people came forward saying they refuse to tell there tales due to desensitized vets. Maybe it's the meds your on after your surgery. I'm not in a basement this isn't Eminem 8 mile road. I'm not tailor park trash and neither am I hallucinating my age. 2/25/84 should I upload my birth certificate so you can see im not off my rocker? Not looking for a fight as I apologized to your friend who hurt me very much pulling up that thread was unnecessary that's why you got put in your place that I meant 48 days no contacts not I'm 48 no contact. Telling me some comment about a pool like I'm 2 beers short of a six pack isn't cool and in a basement. C'mon? Really. But I'm empathetic towards your surgery and you getting an AA book tossed at you. Please if people are online besties with someone I felt offended me and I stuck up for myself ignore me if your end goal is to deem me nuts and tell me I'm in a basement. Ty for being kind in advance.
Very Best,
Shredder