atalose

How about this, when you have that feeling of just wanting to say what you feel you need to say to him, write him letter – just don’t mail it or email it. Write it all down as if you were speaking to him.

It’s always good to have hope but hope is never a plan. I think we all hope to one day win the lottery but in the meantime we still need to work and pay bills right?

Sitting on hope that an addict turns their lives around and becomes the person we believe they can become, especially an addict who is not ready to quit is like sitting in a car with no gas – you can stay there for as long as you want but it’s never going anywhere.

alienbaby5

I really like that idea. I did it before once, the first time he left me. I would write everything down in a notebook. I never sent him those letters, but I do remember it bringing me some sort of peace. I am a very reactive person right now, so when I hit those moments of feeling so low, my first instinct is to tell him how I feel, in hopes he will be hit with an epiphany and respond.

You're right, hope can be a good thing and hope can also be a bad thing. There is a difference in letting go and still having hope, and sitting in the same spot while still having hope.

I don't know if this sounds selfish, but part of me wants to believe I would be worth getting clean for. I know, I know, it sounds dumb because if I was worth it, it would of happened already. I just really wanted to believe he would work on living a life with me, than resorting to just living a life without me if "the feelings I had when we were together and things were good were some of the best times of my life" --- directly quoted from him.

I want to say I will be able to let go one day, better yet I know I will be able to, but I keep having this ONE nagging question in my head, the one things I so desperately want to understand and have closure for --- If I was his soulmate, why would he have brought another girl into his life? Even if it was JUST sex, was the sex with me not enjoyable or is it because I am not there anymore?

I have never been cheated on before (well, this technically isn't cheating since we are separated) and it is just making me feel so low, worthless, and ugly... inside and outside.

atalose

That’s just it alienbaby5 addicts can’t get clean for someone else or for kids or for family or for a job………they can only get and stay clean for themselves and that’s only if they really want it bad enough. It has nothing at all to do with you or a life with you. If it were merely just a choice like that there wouldn’t be any addicts or need for rehabs, detoxes, SR forums, etc. because it would be easy to just stop but that’s not the reality of addiction.

Once addiction takes hold it becomes a way of life and lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath.

When I was younger I bought into that whole soulmate thing, you know the one Hollywood and society led us to believe that we all have someone out there who will complete us. Kind of implying that we couldn’t possibly be whole all by ourselves.

Well I don’t believe that anymore. I believe soulmates are meant to teach us, not complete us!

He’s an addict doing what addicts do with people who’ll do it with them. He got a need met by someone, someone not so special but who happened to be there and made themselves available (a resource). Yes I believe it was just sex. It had nothing at all to do with you or your past intimacy with him. I understand your feeling of being cheated on but in no way at all should you compare yourself to this other person or think it has a dam thing to do with your worth or looks or anything.

That’s the real sad part we face, when we have built our own worth around them and how we allow them to control how we feel about ourselves based on their ill thinking actions. It’s like saying someone high on drugs is ruling your life, and that should make you scared real scared.

You are going to find yourself in your own time and once you do - look out world!!!

trailmix

This is dangerous territory. You are taking your self-worth and applying it to how he treats you or doesn't treat you. His treatment of you is not a reflection of you.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? Alcoholism is a drive to drink that, unless you are an alcoholic or have some type of addiction you might find hard to imagine. He is not "not choosing you" he is choosing alcohol, there is a difference.

As you mention, you two are not together anymore and he actually already answered this for you:

You probably don't want to believe this, it's not exactly a glowing trait but it is the truth as he sees it. You can't change that, that is him, that is what he is, that is what he does. Is that the kind of partner you want in your life?

As for not understanding his "instinct", that's patronizing at best. He can justify anything he wants all day long.

alienbaby5

I never looked at it that way and the second I read what you wrote it kind of clicked in my head. I just wish he could see how amazing of a person he truly is and that he has the potential to live an AMAZING life, instead of thinking he is worth nothing and never will.



I wouldn't say I believe in the idea of soulmates to complete us, but I see the idea of a soulmate as someone you do not want to live without. Whether that is a friend or loved one, but someone who understands you on a deeper level of life.



I REALLY needed to hear this.

I cannot express my gratitude in your responses to my babbling posts, so thank you. It is really helping to hear advice from someone else, rather than trying to understand it on my own (which never ends positively, since I continue to think the worst).

I kept thinking to myself, if I was special enough, he would not stray. If I was good enough, he wouldn't want anyone else. The more you use the term "resource", the more I am beginning to understand its meaning. To hear from an outsider that they too believe it was just sex, with no emotional attachment, helps me to feel better (I hope that doesn't sound selfish, or vain... my confidence has just been at an all-time low since I found out).

The only thing is that this isn't even his worst relapse (out of all the ones I have encountered throughout these last 3 years). There has definitely been worse, way worse, where he didn't stray to another woman (narcotics abuse). Just wish I understood why it happened this time, while he is only drinking alcohol on the weekends (not a daily thing like the drugs were in the past).

atalose

What helped me was to learn as much as I could about addiction. Not just reading about it in books but with hearing about it from people at meetings and especially here at SR. Education helps us to not take it personally.

One of the things to remember with addiction is, it continues even when they are not consuming. It’s not like a switch that gets turned on an off, it basically stays on all the time. That is why a plan of recovery with help is extremely important once they chose to go through detox or go through rehab. Addiction is life long, it’s not something that can be cured with detox or rehab or 90 days of meetings.

So it may help you to accept that it's not about you or anything you've said or done by checking out and reading other posts here on SR. You will soon see how so many of the relationships with addicts/alcoholics have similar traits and share pretty much the same experiences. You will come to understand that he is not unique but just like so many other addicts. And you will come to realize that you are not unique either but share similar experiences as so many others who have loved an addict do.

Linzey0706

Derringer

The man himself has already given you the best advice

"He tells me I need to let go of him because he is bad for me...."

Boom, there it is