Stay in My Lane?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Stay in My Lane?
I recently found out that my AXBF is dating again. Fair enough. It was bound to happen, but...
The first girl he dated has two young children. Now, he's dating a girl who has three sons. To make matters worse, he hasn't even visited his own daughter (supervised visitation only) in over a year, yet he posts pictures of her online from time to time with captions, like "Can't get enough of this one" and "Daddy's little princess." He is so clearly putting on a show for these women and pretending to be a good father. It's so dishonest that is feels predatory.
My first thought when I found out he's dating women with children was, I have to warn them! Then, my second thought was, that's not my place.
Have any of you ever warned your ex's new partners--or just felt like doing so?
The first girl he dated has two young children. Now, he's dating a girl who has three sons. To make matters worse, he hasn't even visited his own daughter (supervised visitation only) in over a year, yet he posts pictures of her online from time to time with captions, like "Can't get enough of this one" and "Daddy's little princess." He is so clearly putting on a show for these women and pretending to be a good father. It's so dishonest that is feels predatory.
My first thought when I found out he's dating women with children was, I have to warn them! Then, my second thought was, that's not my place.
Have any of you ever warned your ex's new partners--or just felt like doing so?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I actually did warn my STBAXH woman he has been seeing. She has two teenage kids. I told her about him being an alcoholic and not being there for his kids. She didn't really seem to care. As far as I know he hasn't been around her kids. After everything I told her she is still with him so I feel like it was a waste of my time. I guess she will have to learn the hard way. But from what i can tell and have heard. My X and her are the same, both trashy and piece of sh*t parents who aren't there for their kids. I guess he found his perfect match.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I would absolutely NOT try to "warn" the new GF about your X. Think about this for a moment--what if you were in her shoes? How much weight would you give this info, considering its source? He may have told her AAAALLLLLL about you, and how crazy and unreasonable and angry you are. Of course you're going to try to ruin her wonderful new relationship!
Think about when you first met him--would you have believed his old GF telling you about what a bad guy he is?
In addition to that side of things, I don't believe it is my place to try to "save" another adult from the same mistake I made, not unless that person has asked for my help (and I don't think she has done so, has she?). As adults, they have every right to do as they please--what would give me the right to interfere in their lives? How could I dare to imagine that I know what is best for either of them?
And last of all, if I was being perfectly honest w/myself, my desire to "save" the new GF would not be as much about truly wishing to save her as it would be about wanting to punish him. I would be feeling hurt, discarded, and jealous, and my motives would be way less than pure.
YMMV, but that is what I would need to consider if I were in the situation you describe. There are plenty of other threads here about this same problem of how to deal w/feelings about and the desire to take action concerning the A's new relationship--searching them out and reading them might give you some useful insights too.
Think about when you first met him--would you have believed his old GF telling you about what a bad guy he is?
In addition to that side of things, I don't believe it is my place to try to "save" another adult from the same mistake I made, not unless that person has asked for my help (and I don't think she has done so, has she?). As adults, they have every right to do as they please--what would give me the right to interfere in their lives? How could I dare to imagine that I know what is best for either of them?
And last of all, if I was being perfectly honest w/myself, my desire to "save" the new GF would not be as much about truly wishing to save her as it would be about wanting to punish him. I would be feeling hurt, discarded, and jealous, and my motives would be way less than pure.
YMMV, but that is what I would need to consider if I were in the situation you describe. There are plenty of other threads here about this same problem of how to deal w/feelings about and the desire to take action concerning the A's new relationship--searching them out and reading them might give you some useful insights too.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
To boil it down, what I was trying to say in my rambling post was this: If the new GF is someone w/a healthy sense of self, she will eventually see your X for what he is and take appropriate action. If she has codependent or other unhealthy tendencies, then the only way things will end is when she has learned her lesson through direct, hard experience, just like you and me... No one could have "saved" me until I was ready to save myself. Wasn't it the same for you? And it will be the same for her.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SaveHer…..it will likely to just give them ammunition to turn it all back on you....She would surely tell him whatever you say...and it would probably turn into labeling you as a vindictive, jealous, crazy *itch......
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, SaveHer.
I think she will figure it out.
I would be angry and resentful about the facebook posts where he appears to be caring about his daughter, yet hasn’t seen her in some time.
That’s pretty dastardly.
Good luck.
I think she will figure it out.
I would be angry and resentful about the facebook posts where he appears to be caring about his daughter, yet hasn’t seen her in some time.
That’s pretty dastardly.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Save Her- I agree with the above. You sounded like you got to a good decision point in your own relationship from your other thread- plenty to focus on healing wise for you and your daughter, I imagine, without taking on his. Take care of YOU for now.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
let's reverse it.....say you are dating a new person, and posting some stuff on FB and YOUR ex is keeping tabs on you and goes so far as to reach out to the person YOU are dating and "warn" him about you......
we'd probably call that creepy and stalkerish.
we'd probably call that creepy and stalkerish.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I don't even have a Facebook account. My BFF is still friends with him on FB, and I've already told her to stop "keeping me in the loop" unless it's something serious. After all, that was how I found out he violated the restraining order. He idiotically posted a picture of himself with our daughter at the park.
I agree with the rest of you that warning his new GF would either cause more problems and/or just waste my time. I think the compulsion feels so strong only because I'm a mother. He can prey upon whatever sad, lonely woman he wants, and like honeypig said, she'll learn her lesson eventually (hopefully not ten years later like I did). But to prey upon single mothers? Well, that feels personal...
I agree with the rest of you that warning his new GF would either cause more problems and/or just waste my time. I think the compulsion feels so strong only because I'm a mother. He can prey upon whatever sad, lonely woman he wants, and like honeypig said, she'll learn her lesson eventually (hopefully not ten years later like I did). But to prey upon single mothers? Well, that feels personal...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would absolutely not get involved.
My XAH asks me to send pics of different events of our kids, then posts them as though he took the pic. My kids laugh about it as people must wonder as many pics are always taken at my house!
I only know this b/c my kids tell me. I have XAH blocked on all social media. I would also cut your friend off if she starts telling you things about him. It's best that way.
My XAH asks me to send pics of different events of our kids, then posts them as though he took the pic. My kids laugh about it as people must wonder as many pics are always taken at my house!
I only know this b/c my kids tell me. I have XAH blocked on all social media. I would also cut your friend off if she starts telling you things about him. It's best that way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Yes, stay in our own lane!
Imagine when you first began dating your AXBF and you were in that he’s such a great guy and lusting after him stage. Then picture some woman (an ex) of his contacts you with horrible things to say about him, would you have believed it?
These woman have to discover and learn as you did what he’s really all about. And also remember some woman are just as sick as he is and his drinking and his behavior might be ok with them.
Think of it as like getting rid of an old used car, you don’t want to disclose EVERYTHING, you just want to get rid of the car!!!!
Imagine when you first began dating your AXBF and you were in that he’s such a great guy and lusting after him stage. Then picture some woman (an ex) of his contacts you with horrible things to say about him, would you have believed it?
These woman have to discover and learn as you did what he’s really all about. And also remember some woman are just as sick as he is and his drinking and his behavior might be ok with them.
Think of it as like getting rid of an old used car, you don’t want to disclose EVERYTHING, you just want to get rid of the car!!!!
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