5 months post divorce *UPDATE*
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
5 months post divorce *UPDATE*
Hi everyone, I posted a while back after I divorced my AH... I was on here for years under different usernames gathering information on alcoholics, wondering if i should divorce, what happens after divorce and so on,,, until I took a leap and did it,,so I would like to share my experience for anyone out there looking for clarity
I divorced my AH in early April,, I got out with nothing, and had to start over and move back to my dads house (relationship is rocky with my dad),, luckily i have a good job and I'm saving up to get a place of my own someday (real-estate is expensive here so its gonna be a while)
I was miserable ! because he went no contact on me for 2 months!! ( if orced myself not to call him and I didn't) I spent 2 months in bed crying all day and night, and gained 6 kilos, i was about ready to die from how low i was feeling. I barely made it to a therapists appointment, i started picking at my hair, and things were 10 times worse during the summer holiday when i saw all my family and friends vacationing with family, kids, husbands.... Its the lowest I've ever felt,,, i literally lost everything
fast forward to July when I had to call him to schedule the moving company to pick up my belongings from the house we shared..... he sounded great, sober, regretful ( I found out from him mom that he was sober for about 2 weeks) , he told me how it hurt him to see all his friends on summer holiday with wives and kids (
)... and how "if he had known..." we had a civil conversation and ended it neutral ( I felt horrible , maybe he found his way back and i lost my chance)
August 1st, he called me plastered asking me where our relationship was heading? ARE YOU Fing KIDDING ME? I flipped out on him , we hung up and something inside me changed towards him........... I still think about the "what ifs ," less than before though, because I'm too exhausted to do this anymore, and as I see more "normal" marriages around me, I know that I deserve more....... I need more in my life, Im still tired, sad, angry, but I do have about 10 good days a month now ( I also have 1 extra crazy week a month around that time too haha) at least its better than 30 days of shear agony... baby steps I guess
rebuilding is so difficult,, I haven't met men interested in me,which makes me anxious most days.. Im 34 and would love to start a family so I need actively start participating in life, join a gym or a club, but most days I spend in bed still and I know thats wrong (a new man is not gonna drop out of the sky).... and sometimes I think I can't possibly think of dating again , Im too fat, too ugly, too old, too angry... I'm SO raw from this experience .
So far what Ive learned from this experience is that I DON NOT REGRET leaving... he didn't change and won't change ....Id rather be single sad and angry with a little hope,,, than married to a selfish absent alcoholic ... hoping things will start looking up soon ,, writing this post has helped me process ,,,,hope this helps someone out there
I divorced my AH in early April,, I got out with nothing, and had to start over and move back to my dads house (relationship is rocky with my dad),, luckily i have a good job and I'm saving up to get a place of my own someday (real-estate is expensive here so its gonna be a while)
I was miserable ! because he went no contact on me for 2 months!! ( if orced myself not to call him and I didn't) I spent 2 months in bed crying all day and night, and gained 6 kilos, i was about ready to die from how low i was feeling. I barely made it to a therapists appointment, i started picking at my hair, and things were 10 times worse during the summer holiday when i saw all my family and friends vacationing with family, kids, husbands.... Its the lowest I've ever felt,,, i literally lost everything
fast forward to July when I had to call him to schedule the moving company to pick up my belongings from the house we shared..... he sounded great, sober, regretful ( I found out from him mom that he was sober for about 2 weeks) , he told me how it hurt him to see all his friends on summer holiday with wives and kids (
)... and how "if he had known..." we had a civil conversation and ended it neutral ( I felt horrible , maybe he found his way back and i lost my chance)August 1st, he called me plastered asking me where our relationship was heading? ARE YOU Fing KIDDING ME? I flipped out on him , we hung up and something inside me changed towards him........... I still think about the "what ifs ," less than before though, because I'm too exhausted to do this anymore, and as I see more "normal" marriages around me, I know that I deserve more....... I need more in my life, Im still tired, sad, angry, but I do have about 10 good days a month now ( I also have 1 extra crazy week a month around that time too haha) at least its better than 30 days of shear agony... baby steps I guess
rebuilding is so difficult,, I haven't met men interested in me,which makes me anxious most days.. Im 34 and would love to start a family so I need actively start participating in life, join a gym or a club, but most days I spend in bed still and I know thats wrong (a new man is not gonna drop out of the sky).... and sometimes I think I can't possibly think of dating again , Im too fat, too ugly, too old, too angry... I'm SO raw from this experience .
So far what Ive learned from this experience is that I DON NOT REGRET leaving... he didn't change and won't change ....Id rather be single sad and angry with a little hope,,, than married to a selfish absent alcoholic ... hoping things will start looking up soon ,, writing this post has helped me process ,,,,hope this helps someone out there
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Hi, 7yearwait. I used to post on here under a different username, and my tagline was a Dolly Parton quote: "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." It sounds like you've been putting up with a tropical storm! The good news is that you're on the other side of the worst part, and you have all this time and space to work on yourself now. There truly is no greater gift.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I just left my 7 year marriage with nothing. I'm more angry than sad at him because he's lied so much and more sad at myself because I waited so long to actually take that leap of faith on myself. I wouldn't change anything about leaving. I left when I was ready.
I'm heading back to the gym here soon myself but first, I have to recover from my latest foot reconstruction. Good luck to ya.
I'm heading back to the gym here soon myself but first, I have to recover from my latest foot reconstruction. Good luck to ya.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
7yearwait, I get your concerns about needing to meet a man if you want to start a family, given the time factor. However, PLEEEEEAAAASE don't rush into anything or settle, just b/c you hear that "biological clock" ticking. I have a friend about your age who is desperate to start a family and it horrifies me to hear some of what she puts up with from the people she dates. She has repeatedly blocked and then unblocked one borderline stalker-type "b/c he has time to talk to her, and her other friends are too busy." Yikes!
You are VERY freshly out of a long-term relationship. Please take time for yourself, to grow and learn and heal. This is going to be absolutely necessary for your future health and the health of future relationships. Please don't rush. You have a LOT on your plate right now, and I feel pretty confident in saying that you'll benefit more from working through all that, putting all your effort into you and your own life, than from anything else I can think of.
I've never had kids, never wanted them, so I can't say I fully understand the drive to start a family, but I know you're not alone in wanting this. I hope you can want a stable, healthy home for them enough to thoroughly work through this stage of your life first.
You are VERY freshly out of a long-term relationship. Please take time for yourself, to grow and learn and heal. This is going to be absolutely necessary for your future health and the health of future relationships. Please don't rush. You have a LOT on your plate right now, and I feel pretty confident in saying that you'll benefit more from working through all that, putting all your effort into you and your own life, than from anything else I can think of.
I've never had kids, never wanted them, so I can't say I fully understand the drive to start a family, but I know you're not alone in wanting this. I hope you can want a stable, healthy home for them enough to thoroughly work through this stage of your life first.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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7 year-
I was 34 when my marriage crumbled around me.
I have always wanted children, but I actually knew just after I got married to my ex that I would not have them with him. He had an awful drunken rage just after we got married and I had enough recovery underneath me that I was able to hold strong in that. I personally felt stuck due to my beliefs around marriage and we were together a total of 7 years also. I sometimes still get into shame about how long I stayed, but I don't regret my decision around children.
I had a lot of healing to do after my divorce. I have not actually been willing to date again, but am okay with that decision. I am just starting to come out of that now, and have the first stirrings of a crush which I am finding kind of fun. I am 41 now and I don't have biological children in the traditional sense, but I do consider myself a mom.
It is a long boring backstory but in a nutshell I took in a foster dog and I ended up unexpectedly with puppies and an extended human family as a result. I am second mom to a teenager, and the biggest father figure he has had in his life. P decided to stay with me when his mom moved back home, and he has lived with me the last three years. I have enjoyed it very much. It has helped me with boundaries, detachment, love, and oddly my spirituality that things have a way of working out. It has helped me to heal in ways I could not have done without being open to a non-traditional ideas, and in ways I could not even have considered without having given myself the gift of recovery.
I don't know in the big picture what that means for me but I suspect I will eventually adopt. It has helped me to realize how much I have to give when I am able to participate fully in the world. Without recovery I did not have those options, because I could not see.
I am NOT saying that it what it is going to look like for you but I am saying that giving myself space was the best gift I could offer myself. Digging into my hurt and hard stuff has ended up being so expansive.
I was 34 when my marriage crumbled around me.
I have always wanted children, but I actually knew just after I got married to my ex that I would not have them with him. He had an awful drunken rage just after we got married and I had enough recovery underneath me that I was able to hold strong in that. I personally felt stuck due to my beliefs around marriage and we were together a total of 7 years also. I sometimes still get into shame about how long I stayed, but I don't regret my decision around children.
I had a lot of healing to do after my divorce. I have not actually been willing to date again, but am okay with that decision. I am just starting to come out of that now, and have the first stirrings of a crush which I am finding kind of fun. I am 41 now and I don't have biological children in the traditional sense, but I do consider myself a mom.
It is a long boring backstory but in a nutshell I took in a foster dog and I ended up unexpectedly with puppies and an extended human family as a result. I am second mom to a teenager, and the biggest father figure he has had in his life. P decided to stay with me when his mom moved back home, and he has lived with me the last three years. I have enjoyed it very much. It has helped me with boundaries, detachment, love, and oddly my spirituality that things have a way of working out. It has helped me to heal in ways I could not have done without being open to a non-traditional ideas, and in ways I could not even have considered without having given myself the gift of recovery.
I don't know in the big picture what that means for me but I suspect I will eventually adopt. It has helped me to realize how much I have to give when I am able to participate fully in the world. Without recovery I did not have those options, because I could not see.
I am NOT saying that it what it is going to look like for you but I am saying that giving myself space was the best gift I could offer myself. Digging into my hurt and hard stuff has ended up being so expansive.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 8
Hi, 7YearWait. I used this forum intensively in 2012 and 2013 as ShootingStar1, and found the advice spot on and the support to be just wonderful.
Now it is 2018, and I am engaged to a wonderful man, just as happy as I can be.
I learned the difference between the head and the heart - it is okay to feel whatever you feel with your heart, but listen to your head and act on what you think, not what you feel.
What you have lost will, when you see more clearly, be a blessing, not a curse. The kind of man you are describing cannot truly be a husband, more of a demanding antagonistic energy sink.
It may be that you are mourning the dream of what you thought/wanted to have more than the truth of what the relationship was?
That's what I found. My psychiatrist said that it would take two years to fully recover. At first that seemed like a sentence, but in truth, it was what I needed. I had to take the time to do a lot of deep introspection to see what it was inside me that led me to choose and stay with such an abusive degrading man for 20 years. I drew him to me, and I chose him.
In the end, my questions weren't about him, they were about me. What did I need to learn about myself, where did I need to grow? This was bedrock essential for me to recover.
And it worked.
It's okay to let go. You have suffered and are suffering so much pain, and my heart goes out to you. It will get better. In fact, it can get greater than you ever imagine. Your heart and soul will save you, not dwelling on the loss of him and of your dreams.
Those thoughts will come, but I want to tell you a saying that was attributed to Buddha. "When bad thoughts and troubles come, acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea."
I'd suggest not even thinking about dating or another man for 18 months to 2 years. You'll know when you're ready. Children can wait - you want to be as emotionally healthy and whole as possible to choose their father. The time will come.
Do you got to Alanon? It can be very helpful. Try CoDependent No More if you haven't read it. Find a therapist who treats people with alcoholism and codependency.
It was, for me, the path toward freedom and love.
Wish you all the best, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar2
Now it is 2018, and I am engaged to a wonderful man, just as happy as I can be.
I learned the difference between the head and the heart - it is okay to feel whatever you feel with your heart, but listen to your head and act on what you think, not what you feel.
What you have lost will, when you see more clearly, be a blessing, not a curse. The kind of man you are describing cannot truly be a husband, more of a demanding antagonistic energy sink.
It may be that you are mourning the dream of what you thought/wanted to have more than the truth of what the relationship was?
That's what I found. My psychiatrist said that it would take two years to fully recover. At first that seemed like a sentence, but in truth, it was what I needed. I had to take the time to do a lot of deep introspection to see what it was inside me that led me to choose and stay with such an abusive degrading man for 20 years. I drew him to me, and I chose him.
In the end, my questions weren't about him, they were about me. What did I need to learn about myself, where did I need to grow? This was bedrock essential for me to recover.
And it worked.
It's okay to let go. You have suffered and are suffering so much pain, and my heart goes out to you. It will get better. In fact, it can get greater than you ever imagine. Your heart and soul will save you, not dwelling on the loss of him and of your dreams.
Those thoughts will come, but I want to tell you a saying that was attributed to Buddha. "When bad thoughts and troubles come, acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea."
I'd suggest not even thinking about dating or another man for 18 months to 2 years. You'll know when you're ready. Children can wait - you want to be as emotionally healthy and whole as possible to choose their father. The time will come.
Do you got to Alanon? It can be very helpful. Try CoDependent No More if you haven't read it. Find a therapist who treats people with alcoholism and codependency.
It was, for me, the path toward freedom and love.
Wish you all the best, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by ShootingStar2 
Those thoughts will come, but I want to tell you a saying that was attributed to Buddha. "When bad thoughts and troubles come, acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea."
Also, thanks so much for the update, happy to hear you are doing so well.
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