Advice for social situations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
Advice for social situations
I’ve previously posted about my wife who occasionally binge drinks. I’ve been reading up on the concepts of detachment and co-dependency, but I could use some advice for how to handle social situations where there will be alcohol. For example, if we’re at another couple’s house for dinner, do I just do my own thing, drink if I want to, and try to avoid eye contact with my wife when alcohol is offered? I’m just not sure what to do, if anything. Thanks.
Last edited by jjfromma; 09-07-2018 at 01:25 PM. Reason: Typos
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
That is a personal decision. I did not ever drink in front of my XAH b/c it seemed like a bit of a slap in the face. Others say it's their problem, you should not have to change your behavior. Really it's up to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjfromma…...I agree that you are free to do as you wish. In my case, I would just say "No thanks"....because I can take it or leave it, without feeling deprived.
I wonder if the "eye contact" thing underlines the fact that there is an issue between you and your wife about her drinking.....(I get that it is a natural reaction under the circumstances)……
lol...if you were offered another serving of beets, would you two make eye contact...?
I suspect that it another example of the elephant in the corner of the room.....
I wonder if the "eye contact" thing underlines the fact that there is an issue between you and your wife about her drinking.....(I get that it is a natural reaction under the circumstances)……
lol...if you were offered another serving of beets, would you two make eye contact...?
I suspect that it another example of the elephant in the corner of the room.....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I don't drink around my A brothers. I'm most comfortable with that! Plus I don't care abut a drink for myself, I can always take it or leave it.
If we're at some large family social event like a wedding, I might have the toast of champagne or I might not; for sure I dance and have a good time, and I leave before things get ugly with the drinkers LOL!
Peace,
B.
If we're at some large family social event like a wedding, I might have the toast of champagne or I might not; for sure I dance and have a good time, and I leave before things get ugly with the drinkers LOL!
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 10
You are 100% right about there being an elephant in the room! That’s part of what I’m struggling with the most! I want to talk with my wife about the drinking, but I fear it will only lead to an argument (with her forcefully claiming all the stereotypical denials). I’m stuck in the reality that I think there’s a problem and she still thinks she’s addressed it and it’s under control.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjfromma…..I am going to go out on a limb and predict that it will...eventually....become evident that she does not have it under control. It is possible to white knuckle it, for varying length of time...but, for a true alcoholic, the alcoholic voice that speaks to them, 24/7, will eventually take over.....
In the mean time, I suggest that the best use of your time would be to work on yourself---preparing yourself to face whatever is to come.....
In the mean time, I suggest that the best use of your time would be to work on yourself---preparing yourself to face whatever is to come.....
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, jj.
I understand that you are uneasy with talking to your wife about her drinking.
But..you are not asking for a change in behavior, tho that would be great.
You are simply speaking your truth, that you are uncomfortable with the drinking, you are concerned about her health, etc.
There may be many conversations to come re this, but it starts with the first one.
Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? Lots of support there and maybe learn strategies to help you communicate.
I understand that you are uneasy with talking to your wife about her drinking.
But..you are not asking for a change in behavior, tho that would be great.
You are simply speaking your truth, that you are uncomfortable with the drinking, you are concerned about her health, etc.
There may be many conversations to come re this, but it starts with the first one.
Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? Lots of support there and maybe learn strategies to help you communicate.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
JJ I'm not sure what you're asking here. Is it whether you should drink? Or whether you should ask her not drink? Or by avoiding eye contact you are not provoking anything?
If your wife has stopped drinking you might want to support her by not having one yourself. It depends on the couple. I always assumed F&F would drink around me and was prepared for it, but everyone is different.
If she's still drinking and you want to avoid a binge episode then whether you have a glass of wine or not probably won't change anything.
If your wife has stopped drinking you might want to support her by not having one yourself. It depends on the couple. I always assumed F&F would drink around me and was prepared for it, but everyone is different.
If she's still drinking and you want to avoid a binge episode then whether you have a glass of wine or not probably won't change anything.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi jj,
Ditto the Al-anon suggestion. What I found were nuggets of info that helped me, that kept bringing me back.
When I started going to meetings regularly, found a sponsor and started working the program, my life started transforming in good, good ways.
The 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
Ditto the Al-anon suggestion. What I found were nuggets of info that helped me, that kept bringing me back.
When I started going to meetings regularly, found a sponsor and started working the program, my life started transforming in good, good ways.
The 3 C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Here's a quote regarding Al-anon and a link to the web site.
"Alcoholism is a family illness. It is not only the addict or alcoholic that suffers. Even if family and friends are not in the grips of addiction themselves, they suffer nonetheless."
https://www.al-anon.org/
Regarding the social situations, I started opting out of them. I'm not why I did it at first. Perhaps simply overwhelmed with dealing with the alcoholic dynamics and fallout. Acting like everything was okay and normal became very stressful. Later I opted out because I was looking out for my own choices. In order for me to embrace change, it helped to change everything up. Our social friends were his, not mine. They encouraged his drinking, were not in my corner, didn't support me when I needed it, etc. It took time to work through this and see it. Baby steps. One day at a time.
"Alcoholism is a family illness. It is not only the addict or alcoholic that suffers. Even if family and friends are not in the grips of addiction themselves, they suffer nonetheless."
https://www.al-anon.org/
Regarding the social situations, I started opting out of them. I'm not why I did it at first. Perhaps simply overwhelmed with dealing with the alcoholic dynamics and fallout. Acting like everything was okay and normal became very stressful. Later I opted out because I was looking out for my own choices. In order for me to embrace change, it helped to change everything up. Our social friends were his, not mine. They encouraged his drinking, were not in my corner, didn't support me when I needed it, etc. It took time to work through this and see it. Baby steps. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
jj, it sounds like you are still holding on to the idea that something you do, or do not do will somehow determine whether or not your wife will drink alcoholically. Unfortunately, that's 100% her decision.
In a healthy relationship, people can talk about what they are feeling. The fact you feel you can't talk to your spouse about your worries is a pretty huge red flag. That elephant isn't going to disappear... it's far more likely to start leaving a big smelly mess...
I think the best thing you can do for you, your wife and your marriage is continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependence.
Setting your own boundaries and enforcing them is key to your own mental and emotional health.
In a healthy relationship, people can talk about what they are feeling. The fact you feel you can't talk to your spouse about your worries is a pretty huge red flag. That elephant isn't going to disappear... it's far more likely to start leaving a big smelly mess...
I think the best thing you can do for you, your wife and your marriage is continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and codependence.
Setting your own boundaries and enforcing them is key to your own mental and emotional health.
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