This past weekends visit. . .
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This past weekends visit. . .
So this past weekend I had a few concerns that I saw. I just wanted to run it past you all get your perspective sometimes I fee like maybe I am over-reacting.
Friday night I was on Snapchat, (the only social media format I have) and I saw that my ex-brother-in-laws name pop up on the people you may know. I also have his contact number on my phone so it said he was in my contact list. STBXBIL's screen name on SnapChat is [my town's name**killakali- the last apart of the name means "Killer ****" (we live in California. My STBXBIL is involved with the gang "Nortenos" they wear the color red. I have brought this up in court paperwork that I don't want my kids to be left alone in his care because he is an alcoholic and gang member. It bothers me so much because he is a 35 year old man who is claiming and representing being in a gang but my STBAXH and his mother make me feel like I am crazy for having concerns about my boys visiting their house. I screenshotted his name on SnapChat. I sent it to my email to save in case we ever have to go back to court and I can pull this out as one of my many concerns about the environment and people living at my XMIL's house. Am I over-reacting?
On Saturday, my DS11 didn't want to go to visit with his Dad but my DS7 did. STBAXH was 15 mins late (9:15am). He is usually here within 10 mins from 9am so I was a bit surprised. When I went to pick up my DS7 at 2pm. I saw a Ford F-150 truck parked in front of my XMIL's house and a motorcycle behind it. DS7 got in the car and immediately told me that his uncle had two men over and they were drinking in the backyard beer. As part of our divorce agreement there is to be 'No Alcohol present while children are visiting' so I foresee this being a problem in the future. I also suspect that those men are also involved in the same gang as my XBIL because that's the type of people he associates with. DS7 said he didn't see his father drinking but I also suspect he puts it in a cup so hide it from kids. I documented everything DS7 told me.
On Sunday, STBAXH was 20 mins late for pick up. My DS11 didn't want to visit again. DS7 went. DS7 was getting sad because his father was late. He asked me to call him and I told him no that I wouldn't call him. I told him that if he doesn't show up we would do something else fun for the day. When he arrived I asked him as I was putting DS7 in his car "where DS7 swimming trucks and underwear were from yesterday?" (I usually send swimming trucks and underwear in his backyard because they usually will go swimming.) His response was "Oh DS7 didn't put them in the backpack." I said "no." Then he said "why are you mad?" I wasn't mad I probably didn't look happy talking to him because he isn't a pleasant person to talk too. I ignored his question then kissed darling son goodbye. As I was turning around STBAXH said "are you picking him up at 1:30pm" and I didn't respond then I heard him say "mannnn" then I shut the door. How would you handle the late pick situation? I have been relatively quiet and haven't said anything about it. Because regardless of what time he picks them up I am still going to pick them at the court-ordered time. I am also thinking the divorce agreement states that he can get them at 8am but he is late picking them up at 9am. I cant imagine him being on time at 8 am.
Sorry this post is so long I needed to vent and get a different perspective on the situation.
Friday night I was on Snapchat, (the only social media format I have) and I saw that my ex-brother-in-laws name pop up on the people you may know. I also have his contact number on my phone so it said he was in my contact list. STBXBIL's screen name on SnapChat is [my town's name**killakali- the last apart of the name means "Killer ****" (we live in California. My STBXBIL is involved with the gang "Nortenos" they wear the color red. I have brought this up in court paperwork that I don't want my kids to be left alone in his care because he is an alcoholic and gang member. It bothers me so much because he is a 35 year old man who is claiming and representing being in a gang but my STBAXH and his mother make me feel like I am crazy for having concerns about my boys visiting their house. I screenshotted his name on SnapChat. I sent it to my email to save in case we ever have to go back to court and I can pull this out as one of my many concerns about the environment and people living at my XMIL's house. Am I over-reacting?
On Saturday, my DS11 didn't want to go to visit with his Dad but my DS7 did. STBAXH was 15 mins late (9:15am). He is usually here within 10 mins from 9am so I was a bit surprised. When I went to pick up my DS7 at 2pm. I saw a Ford F-150 truck parked in front of my XMIL's house and a motorcycle behind it. DS7 got in the car and immediately told me that his uncle had two men over and they were drinking in the backyard beer. As part of our divorce agreement there is to be 'No Alcohol present while children are visiting' so I foresee this being a problem in the future. I also suspect that those men are also involved in the same gang as my XBIL because that's the type of people he associates with. DS7 said he didn't see his father drinking but I also suspect he puts it in a cup so hide it from kids. I documented everything DS7 told me.
On Sunday, STBAXH was 20 mins late for pick up. My DS11 didn't want to visit again. DS7 went. DS7 was getting sad because his father was late. He asked me to call him and I told him no that I wouldn't call him. I told him that if he doesn't show up we would do something else fun for the day. When he arrived I asked him as I was putting DS7 in his car "where DS7 swimming trucks and underwear were from yesterday?" (I usually send swimming trucks and underwear in his backyard because they usually will go swimming.) His response was "Oh DS7 didn't put them in the backpack." I said "no." Then he said "why are you mad?" I wasn't mad I probably didn't look happy talking to him because he isn't a pleasant person to talk too. I ignored his question then kissed darling son goodbye. As I was turning around STBAXH said "are you picking him up at 1:30pm" and I didn't respond then I heard him say "mannnn" then I shut the door. How would you handle the late pick situation? I have been relatively quiet and haven't said anything about it. Because regardless of what time he picks them up I am still going to pick them at the court-ordered time. I am also thinking the divorce agreement states that he can get them at 8am but he is late picking them up at 9am. I cant imagine him being on time at 8 am.
Sorry this post is so long I needed to vent and get a different perspective on the situation.
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Well I guess one question is, is there a lot from a child to gain in an environment with gang members and an alcoholic. That's a clear no.
That's their "crazy" you don't need to buy in to it. You know when people live in dysfunction their dysfunction becomes their normal. That's their normal. Take the parents for instance. They have a grown Son, living in their basement that has a woman sleeping with him there, that has to have restricted visits with his children, one who isn't really interested in seeing him and they have their other grown Son's "friends" sitting in the backyard drinking beer.
Well, sounds like a story book life right there.
They didn't learn in a vacuum, these people are his parents and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything else, but the fact that they allow all this to go on and in particular in front of their grandchild, speaks volumes.
It's not surprising they all think it's "normal".
I would totally be focusing on the fact that there is supposed to be no alcohol during visits and I would be emailing the lawyer right now. There needs to be a consequence for that. I would hold that as a zero tolerance and proceed with having it addressed right away.
my STBAXH and his mother make me feel like I am crazy for having concerns about my boys visiting their house.
Well, sounds like a story book life right there.
They didn't learn in a vacuum, these people are his parents and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything else, but the fact that they allow all this to go on and in particular in front of their grandchild, speaks volumes.
It's not surprising they all think it's "normal".
I would totally be focusing on the fact that there is supposed to be no alcohol during visits and I would be emailing the lawyer right now. There needs to be a consequence for that. I would hold that as a zero tolerance and proceed with having it addressed right away.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Well I guess one question is, is there a lot from a child to gain in an environment with gang members and an alcoholic. That's a clear no.
That's their "crazy" you don't need to buy in to it. You know when people live in dysfunction their dysfunction becomes their normal. That's their normal. Take the parents for instance. They have a grown Son, living in their basement that has a woman sleeping with him there, that has to have restricted visits with his children, one who isn't really interested in seeing him and they have their other grown Son's "friends" sitting in the backyard drinking beer.
Well, sounds like a story book life right there.
They didn't learn in a vacuum, these people are his parents and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything else, but the fact that they allow all this to go on and in particular in front of their grandchild, speaks volumes.
It's not surprising they all think it's "normal".
I would totally be focusing on the fact that there is supposed to be no alcohol during visits and I would be emailing the lawyer right now. There needs to be a consequence for that. I would hold that as a zero tolerance and proceed with having it addressed right away.
That's their "crazy" you don't need to buy in to it. You know when people live in dysfunction their dysfunction becomes their normal. That's their normal. Take the parents for instance. They have a grown Son, living in their basement that has a woman sleeping with him there, that has to have restricted visits with his children, one who isn't really interested in seeing him and they have their other grown Son's "friends" sitting in the backyard drinking beer.
Well, sounds like a story book life right there.
They didn't learn in a vacuum, these people are his parents and I'm not saying they are bad people or anything else, but the fact that they allow all this to go on and in particular in front of their grandchild, speaks volumes.
It's not surprising they all think it's "normal".
I would totally be focusing on the fact that there is supposed to be no alcohol during visits and I would be emailing the lawyer right now. There needs to be a consequence for that. I would hold that as a zero tolerance and proceed with having it addressed right away.
My XBIL has a son who is 12 that visits there every other weekend as well so he is also exposed to everything going on there. He stays over night there. I feel so bad for him to be exposed to women staying the night there, alcohol abuse and gang members but I know that isn't my business, its not my child. I did voice my opinion to my XMIL on how I feel bad for my X nephew being exposed to everything there and she didn't say anything. I can tell that bothered her. I told her that no child should be exposed to the adult things that go on there. I have also messaged my XMIL about my STBAXH's drinking while kids are visiting. She didn't deny that he doesn't drink while they visit all she said was "when the kids are here they are well-taken care" *rolling eyes*
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I am not familiar with your divorce decree, but I think I have read on this forum that he can be tested at anytime, before, during or after. I would look into that since he is around this environment and your husband can not be trusted. Add it to the papers so you can check on him. If he denies being tested I think that you an take him back to court for violating it. Do your homework, its worth it to have in the papers prior.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
I am not familiar with your divorce decree, but I think I have read on this forum that he can be tested at anytime, before, during or after. I would look into that since he is around this environment and your husband can not be trusted. Add it to the papers so you can check on him. If he denies being tested I think that you an take him back to court for violating it. Do your homework, its worth it to have in the papers prior.
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As for the late pick-up. I would mention it to the ex. Really all you can do (for now) is present what your Son is telling you because he may not be mentioning to his Dad.
When you don't pick DS up at the designated time he gets worried. Please try to be more punctual for him. If something unexpected comes up, please call so I can let him know.
That is common courtesy, which apparently he's not too worried about.
When you don't pick DS up at the designated time he gets worried. Please try to be more punctual for him. If something unexpected comes up, please call so I can let him know.
That is common courtesy, which apparently he's not too worried about.
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mamabear…..is there any way that your husband can be required to take parenting classes, as part of the divorce agreement...? It sound like there is enough evidence that he needs to be more educated regarding child safety.....
Another thought.....I think that most all gang members carry guns...at least the gangs, where I live (D.C. area)….
If you were to ask for parenting classes....perhaps you could ask for no guns on the premises while children are there.....
Another thought.....I think that most all gang members carry guns...at least the gangs, where I live (D.C. area)….
If you were to ask for parenting classes....perhaps you could ask for no guns on the premises while children are there.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…..is there any way that your husband can be required to take parenting classes, as part of the divorce agreement...? It sound like there is enough evidence that he needs to be more educated regarding child safety.....
Another thought.....I think that most all gang members carry guns...at least the gangs, where I live (D.C. area)….
If you were to ask for parenting classes....perhaps you could ask for no guns on the premises while children are there.....
Another thought.....I think that most all gang members carry guns...at least the gangs, where I live (D.C. area)….
If you were to ask for parenting classes....perhaps you could ask for no guns on the premises while children are there.....
I have brought it up to my lawyer about my XBIL's gang affliction he didn't seem to help with any suggestions or care. One of the issues/arguments during our marriage was that I never allowed my boys be alone with his brother. My X would get mad because he felt like I didn't let his brother be apart of their lives *eyes rolling*
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If it's an ex-brother-in-law claiming to be in a gang and not your ex himself, I think that there's little you can do unless the BIL is directly threatening your kids. You can't go wrong by saving the information, of course.
Once the court order is signed, if the order says no alcohol while kids are present but ex is continuing to drink while the kids are present and you can prove it - that's worth bringing to your lawyer because it's a bright-line violation of the order.
Once the court order is signed, if the order says no alcohol while kids are present but ex is continuing to drink while the kids are present and you can prove it - that's worth bringing to your lawyer because it's a bright-line violation of the order.
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Pray. Meditate. Listening to your gut, one moment at a time, can be a very healthy, powerful action. No good things ever came from me future-tripping. Follow your instincts.
Questions I've used to assess a situation:
Is son safe? Yes. Okay, I'm trusting God.
No. Check! God, please guide me.
This ***is not *** a thought process. This is an elemental, trust my instincts, gut reaction to asking myself specific questions.
Honestly, some of the measures I've been walked through have no legal/whatever stance to them, yet it works out again and again if I'm turning this over to God.
Questions I've used to assess a situation:
Is son safe? Yes. Okay, I'm trusting God.
No. Check! God, please guide me.
This ***is not *** a thought process. This is an elemental, trust my instincts, gut reaction to asking myself specific questions.
Honestly, some of the measures I've been walked through have no legal/whatever stance to them, yet it works out again and again if I'm turning this over to God.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
As for the late pick-up. I would mention it to the ex. Really all you can do (for now) is present what your Son is telling you because he may not be mentioning to his Dad.
When you don't pick DS up at the designated time he gets worried. Please try to be more punctual for him. If something unexpected comes up, please call so I can let him know.
That is common courtesy, which apparently he's not too worried about.
When you don't pick DS up at the designated time he gets worried. Please try to be more punctual for him. If something unexpected comes up, please call so I can let him know.
That is common courtesy, which apparently he's not too worried about.
If I was in his place, going 2 weeks at a time without seeing my kids. I would be ready, eager and on-time to pick up my kids sharply at 9am. But that's how my brain works.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
If it's an ex-brother-in-law claiming to be in a gang and not your ex himself, I think that there's little you can do unless the BIL is directly threatening your kids. You can't go wrong by saving the information, of course.
Once the court order is signed, if the order says no alcohol while kids are present but ex is continuing to drink while the kids are present and you can prove it - that's worth bringing to your lawyer because it's a bright-line violation of the order.
Once the court order is signed, if the order says no alcohol while kids are present but ex is continuing to drink while the kids are present and you can prove it - that's worth bringing to your lawyer because it's a bright-line violation of the order.
Yes, I know I cant do much right now unless XBIL is an obvious threat to my kids. I just want to have as much evidence to prove that their father's household is not the best environment for the kids.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Pray. Meditate. Listening to your gut, one moment at a time, can be a very healthy, powerful action. No good things ever came from me future-tripping. Follow your instincts.
Questions I've used to assess a situation:
Is son safe? Yes. Okay, I'm trusting God.
No. Check! God, please guide me.
This ***is not *** a thought process. This is an elemental, trust my instincts, gut reaction to asking myself specific questions.
Honestly, some of the measures I've been walked through have no legal/whatever stance to them, yet it works out again and again if I'm turning this over to God.
Questions I've used to assess a situation:
Is son safe? Yes. Okay, I'm trusting God.
No. Check! God, please guide me.
This ***is not *** a thought process. This is an elemental, trust my instincts, gut reaction to asking myself specific questions.
Honestly, some of the measures I've been walked through have no legal/whatever stance to them, yet it works out again and again if I'm turning this over to God.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear...do you think that the brother in law carries a gun?
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Friday night I was on Snapchat, (the only social media format I have) and I saw that my ex-brother-in-laws name pop up on the people you may know. I also have his contact number on my phone so it said he was in my contact list.
Prayer: God, I trust I came across this information for a reason. Please show me what you want me to know. Please give me clarity. Please lead my thoughts. I surrender my actions to you.
Meditation: I open my heart to the goodness of this day.
Sometimes I've found I was simply in need of clarity about my relationships with certain people and have been lead to deleting them from all contact lists.
YMMV
Prayer: God, I trust I came across this information for a reason. Please show me what you want me to know. Please give me clarity. Please lead my thoughts. I surrender my actions to you.
Meditation: I open my heart to the goodness of this day.
Sometimes I've found I was simply in need of clarity about my relationships with certain people and have been lead to deleting them from all contact lists.
YMMV
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Friday night I was on Snapchat, (the only social media format I have) and I saw that my ex-brother-in-laws name pop up on the people you may know. I also have his contact number on my phone so it said he was in my contact list.
Prayer: God, I trust I came across this information for a reason. Please show me what you want me to know. Please give me clarity. Please lead my thoughts. I surrender my actions to you.
Meditation: I open my heart to the goodness of this day.
Sometimes I've found I was simply in need of clarity about my relationships with certain people and have been lead to deleting them from all contact lists.
YMMV
Prayer: God, I trust I came across this information for a reason. Please show me what you want me to know. Please give me clarity. Please lead my thoughts. I surrender my actions to you.
Meditation: I open my heart to the goodness of this day.
Sometimes I've found I was simply in need of clarity about my relationships with certain people and have been lead to deleting them from all contact lists.
YMMV
I should probably clean out my contact list : )
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