BoxinRotz

My heart is so broken over all of this. I've been so mad n now I just feel so broken and defeated. It's not just one thing, it's everything. The last 20 years of my life have been nothing but heartache and 2 failed marriages (1st one of 12 years n 2nd one was 7 years).

I watched a video on FB a few minutes ago of a police officer who pulled his girl over n told her to get out of the vehicle. She was being accused of grand larceny. She was shocked by the charges n asked if he was serious. Get out of the vehicle. She complied. He told he she was being charged for grand larceny because she stole his heart he got on one knee and proposed to her.

He wants her in his life to be a partner and I never got that and it cut through me so deeply. My heart is just gushing blood everywhere and today will be spent grieving everything. The bike. The empty promises. The lies. The drinking. The hell. Everything.

And now I have to go make my 50 mile round trip to feed dogs.

Awal

Oh...i know how you feel. Today is our anniversary and he is making it hell

BoxinRotz

Happy Anniversary eh?

Glenjo99

It's crazy isn't it. I've spent this morning crying, can relate to you feeling broken. Most painful feeling in the world.

BoxinRotz

I haven't cried over this in a long time. I've been angry. Angry that he kept the cycle going after he'd promise he'd stop. He has torn this marriage apart n every time I'd get to the grief stage he'd start all over and I've never truly processed horrific events of this "marriage". You can search my username and see for yourself what he's done to "us".

Shredder22

Hi,
My mom took me to a restaurant yesterday. I'm back living w her. I sold all my furniture or gave it away. It hit me "omg he pushed me to going as far south on 95 to create a new start. I'm going with the clothes on my back in my car. It's not just him it's everyone I dated, poor choices, people, places, and things.

I started feeling tears drop and coming down my face so I went to the bathroom and pulled it together. I hope you feel better today I actually feel better when I cry not in a restaurant though.
Feel better and take care.

BlownOne

There are few things in life that are as painful as having to let go of something you thought was real. It's more than a broken heart. It's a deep spiritual wound. I realize this is probably of little comfort, but you did everything you could. You endured far longer than most would or could have. And that speaks volumes about your character.
It's ok to mourn, to grieve, to be angry. All of it. Let it comes as comes. Time will heal. Hugs to you.

Michsm

Sorry to hear that Boxinrotz, it sucks I know. You can still get that partner that treats you how you deserve to be treated, don’t give up that hope!

RollTide

Box,

I have been divorced from my xah for nearly a decade and I still shed a few tears when I think about it all. I cry for what might have been and for what I went through. But there has never been a moment that I wished I had stayed longer. Always I am thankful that I finally used the last bit of strength that I had left to free myself from the insanity of it all. I am glad that I saved myself.

I've admired your strength and courage for a long time. You WILL get through this and life on the other side will be better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but you will start going uphill soon.

I admire you for taking care of the pets. They are victims of his craziness also.

BoxinRotz

I'm afraid that I will cry about this 10 years from now too. I have never, in my life, experienced someone tell me they love me so much and wreck my world in the same breath. I did get out but I don't feel that I will ever forget what he did to me and my life. I will never let someone do this to me again. I will stay alone before I let a deranged maniac in my life ever again.

RollTide

In 10 years you will be in a much better place. You'll still look back and be sad at times. But you will be stronger and have a much better grasp of where you want to go and what you want to do with your life.

I don't want to totally forget how my ex treated me because to do so would be to possibly allow it to happen again. That will not happen!

Mellybug

I cried today, too. My dad who lives downstairs of the duplex we own is going back to Montana to work for 2-3 months. He left this morning. Even though he will be back in a few months I still cried. I’m alone in this house with my dog and cat and his dog.
Yesterday I cried at church because the offering wine was actually juice (that is in another post) and my first though was that it was nice for people battling an alcohol addiction.
Are these the underlying reasons I’m crying? No - there is an underlying issue that feels like it’s trapped and these “small” things are like a pressure cooker releasing off some steam.

It won’t hurt like this forever. When my dad died 12 years ago I thought the pain would be sharp and raw forever, but in time the scar on my emotions healed over, and just like a physical injury some times it will flare up and ache again, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did in the beginning.

Too many analogies in one post - apologies! Lol

Seren

It's just necessary sometimes...that whole crying thing. And that's OK!

You've had every reason to cry, and sometimes, we women cry when we feel backed into a corner. Like there are no viable options ahead of us...just out of sheer unhappy or angry frustration.

It will get better! Hang in there...

BoxinRotz

Seren, when I get so very angry, I will cry. It's not a sobbing cry but my eyes will water uncontrollably. My eyes get red and it's bad. I have to be really mad to get that way.

FeelingGreat

Frustration will do it too.

hopeful4

Box...it was bound to happen. It is sad, and it's ok to feel that way. It's a process, and it is one you will get through.

Big hugs!

FireSprite

I'm actually glad to read this Box - it's important to be able to let that stuff go whenever/however possible & sometimes even when we aren't consciously trying to hold it all in, it happens anyway.

I always hate the overwhelming-ness I feel coming into a cry - it's painful having all that grief build up, layer by layer until I just it OUT. I always know I'll feel better afterward but going through the process sucks.

BoxinRotz

He was preventing me from processing through the stages. I was always stuck in my anger. I've been so nasty n it's not just one thing in my life. It's everything n I just couldnt get past it.

CodeJob

I hope your surgery went well Box!

Thinking about you and,hoping your heart heals a bit while you recover.

CedarTexas

"Have a good cry, wash out your heart. If you keep it inside it'll tear you apart. Sometimes you lose, but you're gonna win if you just hang in. " - Dr. Hook