Anniversary weekend
 

So on our way back from a weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Im in tears..hes angry. We had a few words on fri night...it blew over and we went away..but today on our actual anniversary he has dragged fridays disagreement back up. Im everything that's bad... everythings my fault...ive ruined it all and so on. What shouldve been a lovely day is a nightmare. Hes only had a couple of beers while weve been away...maybe its withdrawal? Help

Anniversary or not, withdrawal or not, sounds like a good day to practice detachment tools.

You are not everything that is bad. Everything is not your fault.

Yep, what sparkle kitty just said,

XA, used to pull this crap,

Was just another excuse to get hammered and say more bad things.

I suppose if I wasn t such a control freak bitch this never would have happened, Insert eye roll.

God forbid you speak ill of his first love, or request he spend more sober time with you.

Hugs Awal.

*hugs* Awal

No matter what his excuse is, there is no reason whatsoever that he be nasty with you. He could be grumpy because he hasn't been able to drink the way he wants to, he also could have snuck far more to drink than you realize. My AXH was a pro at deceptive drinking. Either way, his moods are HIS to own, it s not your burden... no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.

My AXH ruined several anniversary "celebrations". I'm sorry this is happening to you too.

I'm cancelling any future holidays...as much as l want it this cannot be a normal relationship. I will have holidays alone and he can stay home and put another nail in his coffin. He won't ruin any more for me. Im guessing alcoholism and narcissistic behaviour can go hand in hand? He provoked a response by the silent treatment then fired all guns at me when l asked what was wrong. Silly me...fell for it again.

Yes, there can be a lot of narcissism showing up in alcoholics, well in anyone, it's on a scale, but alcoholism seems to bring it out, or rather has a similar presentation in many cases, but not necessarily true NPD.

It's not ok for him to blame you. Accomplishes nothing. I hope that you aren't taking his criticism to heart. Now, none of us is perfect, however, his attacking you with blame and insults is about him not about you.

It appears it is just handy to have you there to say what a terrible person you are, therefore his lot in life is so terrible he must drink!

Well isn't that sad. Isn't that skewed thinking.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, having trouble mustering up any concern for people who decide to dump their anger on someone else. It's not right.

Its far from right.

Oh how I remember everything was my fault. My XAH was so nasty, nothing was off limits to him. I could never have a civil debate or disagreement with him because it was always my fault. Early on, I cried and took it to heart but finally learned his ways and just ignored it and stopped reacting to it but he didn’t like that. One of his favorite sayings was that I didn’t know how to be married. He was right, I didn’t know how to be married to an angry drunk!

He only managed to reduce me to tears today because it was our anniversary. Any other time lm pretty tough...just didn't expect it today. Seems lm selfish...treat people like sh*t, and so on. Icould really do with some tips on coping....

Im so sorry Awal, I know this feeling all too well. My STBXAH used to "pee" on all days that have any sort of meaning, I think it was because he was expected to be emotionally engaged or something. Doesn't really matter it hurts and I am very sorry. Hoping you will end your day by doing something nice for yourself. Much love coming your way

It was our 8th wedding anniversary. My STBAXH didn't even say "Happy Anniversary" to me or anything that day. I had sent him a "Happy Anniversary" text while he was at work. He never responded. I brought it up several days later that it hurt my feeling that he didn't acknowledge the day or say anything to me. He said "I don't have to buy you anything just because it was our anniversary." My mouth dropped to the floor. First all, I never asked for anything just appreciation and love that day. Alcoholics have the tendencies to make special occasion all about them and their feelings : /

Few things, first of all detachment, which I know you already know but it is the most useful tool in this situation. You can't stay mired in the dysfunction because it will hurt you. Not just on these occasions when it really "gets" to you and you feel hurt and cry.

Even when you are pretty tough, these things do have an affect and it is cumulative, unless you have some way of deflating it and fighting back (within yourself, not by bonking him on the head although I'm sure that has probably crossed your mind!).

I can't remember if you attend Al-Anon or any other support group or if you have counselling but if not I would really recommend you seek this out.

Two things about being tough. One, it isn't endless, you can't keep taking the hits and expect it won't break you down after a while, secondly if it is going to continue you need a defense and that help will probably need to come from other sources, like a counsellor. If that is not an option then the self help group as mentioned. You need support and lots of it. Again, being tough isn't enough.

Which brings to mind a question, is that how you want to be, how you want to have to be, tough? Is that you?

Thank you for your kinds words. I have learned to toughen up rather than go under..until now l just thought he had issues from his past which made him have flare ups or unreasonable anger and sulking..but now l know the real reason. His behaviour has worsened since he retired a year ago too. Im a soft hearted person...but towards him..no not anymore.
He doesnt know this but l contacted his ex wife via facebook yesterday...she confirmed he was a heavy drinker when they were together but he did it in front of her as she was fond of a drink too. Our brief chat was a real eye opener. I don't really drink...maybe an occasional pimms at a wedding or bbq but that's it really. So now the pressure is on him to tone it down as he thinks i might disapprove. I certainly disapprove of the way its turned him into a liar! I need to learn about detachment to keep my sanity...will look up al alon in my area. X

Awal, now you've had the big revelation, do you think your feelings of anger, disappointment etc are getting through to him, even if you think you're hiding them? You've had a huge shock lately, realising the possible extent of his dinking, but he's also lost his cosy little world where he thought he was fooling you and he's probably getting defensive in advance.

Two things I tell myself when this comes up for me:
The 3 C’s - it is HIS alcoholism: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

Also Q-Tip: Quit Taking It Personally. My XABF would pick a fight with me when he either wanted an excuse to drink or if he had already been drinking because he was upset with himself for “failing to abstain” and wanted to make himself feel better by projecting his inner anger and disappointment onto me. He wanted me to feel as bad as he did.

Alcoholism is a hurtful and lonely place and he would rather not be alone in his suffering. I could always tell what emotion he was feeling by what he spat at me in anger. Last Friday’s accusation: “You think you’re better than me? You have serious issues...” (and so on in a drunken slur). He feels that I am better than him and that he has a serious issue with alcoholism, but maybe he can knock me off of the pedestal he put me on and into the muck of pain he lives in.

Good for you for making the decision to spend holidays by yourself (or at least without him). Be kind to yourself - it is a lot to deal with.

Awal....you asked for some tips on coping.....here are a few that might help....

1. When he is blaming, criticizing, tearing you down---remind yourself that he is DEFLECTING....that is...taking the spotlight off of him and his actions, by, putting it onto you....It doesn't mean that the things he says are true--or, that he even, necessarily, believes that they are true....
Also, he may (probably) sees you as "the enemy" because you are coming between him and his drink....
2. Lower your expectations of him....you can't expect the alcoholic to behave as a normal, loving husband would....an addicted person's reality is filtered by distortions of thinking.....The less you expect, the less disappointed you will be....

3. Work on more detachment and distancing yourself from him....don't JADE when he triggers you---Justify; Argue; Defend; Explain. You don't have to attend every argument that you are invited to...lol...
Also, when he turns nasty...leave the room or area/house, every time that you can....or, simply put your earphone on....or go clean the bathroom or rearrange your clothing drawers....


It is hard to live with a practicing alcoholic---but, as long as you are--you have to learn how to tune him out and protect yourself and your own sanity….

Thank you so much x

After many years with my addict, he ruined more holidays then I can remember. Over time it became more bad then good. I was told to lower my expectations, then he couldn't have that power over me.

I am sorry Awal, it does hurt, but it is part of loving an addict.

Yes..hes possibly picking up the vibes. Disappointment...resentment...confusion and the rest of the emotions felt at this discovery. Why he thinks i should shoulder all the blame for everything without me defending myself l will never understand...maybe the narcissist putting in an appearance?

I think he got it right..the anniversary isnt really anything to celebrate..its like throwing a party after a car crash