Three boxes in the garage
 

Greetings everyone!

Need advice - I am a bit puzzled as to what to do about remaining XAHs belonging in my garage

I am thinking about turning it into home gym - and it would be nice to get rid of those. I have been trying to get XAH to collect those for a year now - but he won’t do that for some reason and every time I bring it up he goes into a tirade as to how I could not wait get rid of him.)

(If you did not read my story - XAH relapsed 4 times over last 6 years of our marriage, claimed to be miserable and me to be the reason of his unhappiness, cheated and stole money hence I set him free. He agreed and said he never loved me.

Now - he has been doing well with DS but at times threatens me if I keep asking him to move boxes (and any other things he does not wish to discuss), he won’t see his son as “I make it impossible”

What in the world?

Another thing he does is while claiming he never loved me - he keeps sending me cutesy pictures of him and DS as well as baby goats they saw on a farm...the list goes on

Any advice?

All I want are boxes out of my garage

The best alcoholic denial is to attack someone else.

I've dealt with a lot of emotional abuse. I see the cutesy photos as loaded, deflection, denial of any problems, love-bombing, trivializing, attempt to emotionally manipulate.

Those actions can easily mean "abuse always".

If you want the boxes out of your garage, what lengths are you willing to go to? Simply food for thoughts.

I'm treating things like these as abandoned goods. Moving ahead in my life is more important than trying to appease other people. Especially people who don't have my back!

Legally, morally and in this moment, I no longer need to let my energy be wound up in toxic situations. There are many ways out. Making a choice to choose one can be freeing.

Suggestion? I go with pray, document the facts of the situation, throw everything in the trash. My own experience that keeps coming up. :)

Uggg being held hostage by some one else's belongings. That comes up here every so often. It's a form of manipulation on his part. A way of intruding himself into your space, a means of conflict, him being in control. Blech.

Is the stuff in the boxes valuable or important in any way? (Obviously he is getting along just fine without whatever is in them.)

Do you have an attic,basement,shed you could otherwise store them in? I KNOW you just want to be rid of all his crap( both literally and figuratively) but a least they'd be out of your way if you could find somewhere else to put them.

Is it feasible to have them set out on the curb when he comes to pick up his child? He could simply load his boxes along with the kid... ( I know this would not be so simple...)

Good luck dealing with this "man"- child... yuck

I've always liked the suggestion of passing things like this to a neutral party. It simply didn't feel right in my situation after praying and meditating about it.

Nata, one other thought. :)

I posted this quote on another thread:
"When you let go of toxic relationship you make room for healthy relationships."

By letting go of your relationship with these 3 boxes, however that happens, you're opening up room in your life for healthy, new relationships with the space in your home. This is a huge postive.

I am thinking of renting a storage for a month - a bit less confrontational then setting the boxes out on the lawn, and letting him know they are in there. Either way there will be some sort of fit to be thrown....about how evil and mean I am

Don’t have an attic or storage in the house....

Nata.....If it were me (and, it isn't)….I would put the boxes in large, heavy duty lawn bags, and set them outside the house. I would tell him that you needed the space to repurpose the room.....
If he doesn't pick them up after a certain amount of time, tell him that you are donating the stuff to the Salvation Army.....(and do it)…..

OOPs…..I didn't get to read your last post, before I posted...…
Question----why should you have to pay for storage unit...just to pacify him....
He is manipulating you with his temper---because you are letting him....
If there is to be a temper tantrum, either way....why not make it the easiest way for YOU?
Also, even if you put the stuff in storage--there is no gurantee that he will pick the stuff up, there......and, if you don't pay the storage space, it will be reported and possibly affect your credit.....

How about this? Rent a storage unit, pay for one month (or whatever the minimum time is, ideally with cash or cheque rather than credit card) and send him the key and the contract via registered mail. If the storage facility contacts you because the things are still there and the storage fee isn't being paid, tell them (in writing) to treat the items as abandoned.

I know a person who just left the stuff in the storage unit...as it turned out--the person who signs the contract is responsible for the bill, no matter what...even if the storage unit gets rid of the stuff....and it was reported to the credit agency...

Tell him he has 30 days to get them out, then discard them if they are still there.

Oh I had no idea...makes sense since even if abandoned - storage place would have to go into trouble of disposing of the stuff...

Yes you guys are right - I should not pacify him...it’s just so hard to pick the battles between him and DS and full time job where people also need to be pacified at times :)

I agree with Dandy. Inform him that they are going to be on the driveway on "Wednesday". He needs to pick them up before the garbage people come on "Monday" or they will be thrown out. He would have had to pay good money for someone to store his stuff and you haven't charged him a dime.

Over and done with it, but you need to always follow through with what you say.

You might check the abandoned property laws in your state. Then act accordingly...

I think those regs are typically in the laws governing landlord/tenant agreements, and it probably does boil down to informing him that he has a set time limit to retrieve his belongings or they are being donated/discarded.

I suggest you send him a registered letter that you will dispose of his items after a set time. Refuse to discuss in any way. Then act.

I guess I would tell him, one last time, that the stuff in the garage needs to go.
and if it doesn’t go with him, it’s going to the curb.
He’s messing with you, right?
Passive aggressive behavior. Right out of the addict’s playbook, page two.
Page one is “do everything you can to make the former loved one batcrap crazy.”

Those boxes would have been in the trash 30 days after he was warned the first time. Check your laws but I think 30 days is sufficient time to get his garbage. And you gave him a whole year. It's garbage. Throw it away.

Curious about the home gym idea. Do you have a plan for this?

I used to have a treadmill I enjoyed greatly for a while and my kids had fun playing with. At work there's a gym with equipment I don't really know how to use. Maybe I'll investigate that a bit.

Wanted to move my treadmill there and have a weight bench, maybe a TV so I can stream workout videos....maybe a punching bag 😮

That sounds great!! And therapeutic. :)