Codependent habits to break.
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Codependent habits to break.
Went to an Al Anon meeting tonight to send my brain the message I care, and been thinking about this on way home. What are the codependent habits, we find so hard to break or give up?
Feeling guilty, perfectionism, people pleasing, fixing others, self depreciation, controlling. Doing too much for others and not enough for ourselves, caring to much about what people think, thinking we have power over how other people feel, shame, anxiety, depression, pride, reactivity.
Be interested to hear others!
Feeling guilty, perfectionism, people pleasing, fixing others, self depreciation, controlling. Doing too much for others and not enough for ourselves, caring to much about what people think, thinking we have power over how other people feel, shame, anxiety, depression, pride, reactivity.
Be interested to hear others!
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~ Working my recovery like a checklist of items "to do".
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Martyring was high on the list for me - it was something that slid under the radar & was hard to spot in myself initially.
Understanding when I was operating in the FOG was very, very important for me.
Detachment took a LOT of practice & was hard to "get" at first - I also found that sometimes when I "dropped the rope" I didn't let it go fully.... I sort of held onto parts of it for later.
Embracing labels works for me - when I recognize something in myself it almost immediately starts to remove that thing's "power" over me..... like we're more afraid of a monster we can't see than something we can identify.
I also had to work on new definitions for things - I honestly didn't know love the way I was raised because it literally always included some FOG components. I had to learn that sometimes we (all of us) use the same words but mean very different things when we say them & it leads to tremendous disconnection.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Martyring was high on the list for me - it was something that slid under the radar & was hard to spot in myself initially.
Understanding when I was operating in the FOG was very, very important for me.
Detachment took a LOT of practice & was hard to "get" at first - I also found that sometimes when I "dropped the rope" I didn't let it go fully.... I sort of held onto parts of it for later.
Embracing labels works for me - when I recognize something in myself it almost immediately starts to remove that thing's "power" over me..... like we're more afraid of a monster we can't see than something we can identify.
I also had to work on new definitions for things - I honestly didn't know love the way I was raised because it literally always included some FOG components. I had to learn that sometimes we (all of us) use the same words but mean very different things when we say them & it leads to tremendous disconnection.
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Your list is applicable to me...especially the Perfectionism with a capital P! and I can add..
passive aggressiveness, manipulation, silent treatment, abnormally "hurt" when things didn't go my way, inability to do things alone and BE alone.
What a load off recovery has been. That $h!t is TOO HEAVY!
passive aggressiveness, manipulation, silent treatment, abnormally "hurt" when things didn't go my way, inability to do things alone and BE alone.
What a load off recovery has been. That $h!t is TOO HEAVY!
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Location: Florida
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Yes! - doing things on my own & for myself was impossible at first. Seriously brought me to tears. Another odd thing for me to realize was that I was incapable of sitting with Silence.
In the absence of people & things to distract myself, I filled empty space with noise of all kinds. Either on the phone or listening to music or running TV in the background while I worked.
In the absence of people & things to distract myself, I filled empty space with noise of all kinds. Either on the phone or listening to music or running TV in the background while I worked.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
~ Working my recovery like a checklist of items "to do".
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Martyring was high on the list for me - it was something that slid under the radar & was hard to spot in myself initially.
Understanding when I was operating in the FOG was very, very important for me.
Detachment took a LOT of practice & was hard to "get" at first - I also found that sometimes when I "dropped the rope" I didn't let it go fully.... I sort of held onto parts of it for later.
Embracing labels works for me - when I recognize something in myself it almost immediately starts to remove that thing's "power" over me..... like we're more afraid of a monster we can't see than something we can identify.
I also had to work on new definitions for things - I honestly didn't know love the way I was raised because it literally always included some FOG components. I had to learn that sometimes we (all of us) use the same words but mean very different things when we say them & it leads to tremendous disconnection.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Martyring was high on the list for me - it was something that slid under the radar & was hard to spot in myself initially.
Understanding when I was operating in the FOG was very, very important for me.
Detachment took a LOT of practice & was hard to "get" at first - I also found that sometimes when I "dropped the rope" I didn't let it go fully.... I sort of held onto parts of it for later.
Embracing labels works for me - when I recognize something in myself it almost immediately starts to remove that thing's "power" over me..... like we're more afraid of a monster we can't see than something we can identify.
I also had to work on new definitions for things - I honestly didn't know love the way I was raised because it literally always included some FOG components. I had to learn that sometimes we (all of us) use the same words but mean very different things when we say them & it leads to tremendous disconnection.
Have to say the perfectionist thing has really been made aware to me lately, I recognise I'm trying to do everything perfect, again goes back to my childhood trying to please people to get approval, need to cut myself some slack. Doing a great in her child codependent meditation on YouTube which is so nice, allows me to be gentler with myself.
I hear what you say about labels. Once we identify something, we bring it out of the darkness and into the light.
Hearing people at alanon last night talking about their relationships in general allowed me to see it doesn't have to be about the big stuff, code behaviour affects the smallest things in life
At moment I'm trying before walking into a room to look after my own energy and not feel responsible for others. It helps to be conscious but work in progress.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Your list is applicable to me...especially the Perfectionism with a capital P! and I can add..
passive aggressiveness, manipulation, silent treatment, abnormally "hurt" when things didn't go my way, inability to do things alone and BE alone.
What a load off recovery has been. That $h!t is TOO HEAVY!
passive aggressiveness, manipulation, silent treatment, abnormally "hurt" when things didn't go my way, inability to do things alone and BE alone.
What a load off recovery has been. That $h!t is TOO HEAVY!
Too much to put on our shoulders so recovery is enlightening. Believing I'm worth all the new effort is still work in motion. Better than alternative though.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I think for me it was all of those things everyone mentioned but my issue was, what do I replace all of them with? My mind and my upbringing kept telling me, all of those things are how you show love, concern and caring, take them away and how was I do that? How was I to show healthy love, healthy concern and healthy caring towards others let alone to myself. All of the things everyone was telling me, everything I was learning in al-anon just did not feel right until one day it all started to click.
Like anything we want to master, we need to practice and not give up. The first time I told someone who was asking me for help, no, I felt like the worst person in the world inside even thought I knew it was the right thing to do. It took time to work through those emotions to get my own feelings turned around and headed in the right direction.
We didn’t get this way over night and it’s not going to change overnight, it takes time, it takes kindness to ourselves and patience with ourselves.
Like anything we want to master, we need to practice and not give up. The first time I told someone who was asking me for help, no, I felt like the worst person in the world inside even thought I knew it was the right thing to do. It took time to work through those emotions to get my own feelings turned around and headed in the right direction.
We didn’t get this way over night and it’s not going to change overnight, it takes time, it takes kindness to ourselves and patience with ourselves.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Like anything we want to master, we need to practice and not give up. The first time I told someone who was asking me for help, no, I felt like the worst person in the world inside even thought I knew it was the right thing to do.
.....and the first time I asked for help, the words burned like acid on my tongue & I had to force myself to spit them out. I think I even broke into a cold sweat.... it was so far out of my comfort zone. I was better at passive aggressive stuff like "can't you SEE that I NEED x-y-z??" Blameshifting even while asking for help!
I choked on the words around asking for help time & time again as I built that habit of knowing when & how to ask.
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I choked on the words around asking for help time & time again as I built that habit of knowing when & how to ask.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Same here, asking for help made me feel to vulnerable, inadequate and scared I would be told no. It took lots of practice, lots of attempts that usually just went around it, went over it, hinted at it but didn’t actually really ask for it. And when I did actually ask it was always followed up with but if you can’t I understand and things like that. It got so much easier when I got out of my own way.
I agree also with what you say about, knowing what to replace all the old programming with. I get so overwhelmed I isolate myself, I suppose it feels like I need to stick to me, pull back from others while I figure some of this out and when I'm strong I can venture back to be around people more. Sounds great on paper. Reality not do much. Very overwhelmed.
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Obsessing over someone else who cares nothing for our well-being. Constantly reliving the good times but forgetting the reality of what the relationship was. Staying with someone I don't trust or respect because of fear.
Trying to get the O.P. to change his/her actions or words and not taking responsibility for our own character defects. Pointing the finger at someone when it should be pointed at me.
Trying to get the O.P. to change his/her actions or words and not taking responsibility for our own character defects. Pointing the finger at someone when it should be pointed at me.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Obsessing over someone else who cares nothing for our well-being. Constantly reliving the good times but forgetting the reality of what the relationship was. Staying with someone I don't trust or respect because of fear.
Trying to get the O.P. to change his/her actions or words and not taking responsibility for our own character defects. Pointing the finger at someone when it should be pointed at me.
Trying to get the O.P. to change his/her actions or words and not taking responsibility for our own character defects. Pointing the finger at someone when it should be pointed at me.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Oh, can I relate!
There is so much to work on and if I think about them all as a whole it feels overwhelming. That leads to feelings of sadness and depression that I’m such a “broken” person for having these faults.
Looking back on the good instead of the reality of the situation - check.
Having problems asking for help - check.
Perfectionism - CHECK!
Realizing that saying things over and over to try to FINALLY Make them “get it.” - CHECK!
Just for today I’m going to focus on the new “No contact” rule and resist the urge to unblock him since that seems to be the most difficult at this time.
Once I have that down then I can work on the next issue that seems to be most pressing.
I can only handle my own check list one item at a time, or I will feel like it’s too much.
I appreciate everyone here! I just wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could sit and read all of the great EH&S everyone has to offer!
There is so much to work on and if I think about them all as a whole it feels overwhelming. That leads to feelings of sadness and depression that I’m such a “broken” person for having these faults.
Looking back on the good instead of the reality of the situation - check.
Having problems asking for help - check.
Perfectionism - CHECK!
Realizing that saying things over and over to try to FINALLY Make them “get it.” - CHECK!
Just for today I’m going to focus on the new “No contact” rule and resist the urge to unblock him since that seems to be the most difficult at this time.
Once I have that down then I can work on the next issue that seems to be most pressing.
I can only handle my own check list one item at a time, or I will feel like it’s too much.
I appreciate everyone here! I just wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could sit and read all of the great EH&S everyone has to offer!
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There is a concept that I think might fit into this thread....something that I read, many years ago, and has stuck with me....it has helped me to stop and "recalibrate" myself, on many occasions....
It is a simple thing...written by (I think) by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon...who wrote many books on self esteem....and is well respected in the field of psychiatry/psychology.....
He said that the single best indication of good self esteem is, when walking into a room of strangers....ask, *First*-----"Do I like them?".....Not----"Do they like me?"...…
Something that I, personally, have noticed, is, that, young children very easily and quickly will determine who they like or don't like....but, after a few more years...after the world has begun to trample on their sense of self....they will begin to worry about who does or doesn't like them....
It is a simple thing...written by (I think) by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon...who wrote many books on self esteem....and is well respected in the field of psychiatry/psychology.....
He said that the single best indication of good self esteem is, when walking into a room of strangers....ask, *First*-----"Do I like them?".....Not----"Do they like me?"...…
Something that I, personally, have noticed, is, that, young children very easily and quickly will determine who they like or don't like....but, after a few more years...after the world has begun to trample on their sense of self....they will begin to worry about who does or doesn't like them....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
There is a concept that I think might fit into this thread....something that I read, many years ago, and has stuck with me....it has helped me to stop and "recalibrate" myself, on many occasions....
It is a simple thing...written by (I think) by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon...who wrote many books on self esteem....and is well respected in the field of psychiatry/psychology.....
He said that the single best indication of good self esteem is, when walking into a room of strangers....ask, *First*-----"Do I like them?".....Not----"Do they like me?"...…
Something that I, personally, have noticed, is, that, young children very easily and quickly will determine who they like or don't like....but, after a few more years...after the world has begun to trample on their sense of self....they will begin to worry about who does or doesn't like them....
It is a simple thing...written by (I think) by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon...who wrote many books on self esteem....and is well respected in the field of psychiatry/psychology.....
He said that the single best indication of good self esteem is, when walking into a room of strangers....ask, *First*-----"Do I like them?".....Not----"Do they like me?"...…
Something that I, personally, have noticed, is, that, young children very easily and quickly will determine who they like or don't like....but, after a few more years...after the world has begun to trample on their sense of self....they will begin to worry about who does or doesn't like them....
I went to alanon Tuesday night, before I entered to room, usually I'd panic about who would be there, what they think of me etc, but I said to myself, I am not responsible for other people's feelings only my own. It actually helped me! I was more relaxed and focused on how I was feeling. I'm trying to use this in other situations now. Small steps
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Originally Posted by Mellybug2018
Oh, can I relate!
There is so much to work on and if I think about them all as a whole it feels overwhelming. That leads to feelings of sadness and depression that I’m such a “broken” person for having these faults.
Looking back on the good instead of the reality of the situation - check.
Having problems asking for help - check.
Perfectionism - CHECK!
Realizing that saying things over and over to try to FINALLY Make them “get it.” - CHECK!
Just for today I’m going to focus on the new “No contact” rule and resist the urge to unblock him since that seems to be the most difficult at this time.
Once I have that down then I can work on the next issue that seems to be most pressing.
I can only handle my own check list one item at a time, or I will feel like it’s too much.
I appreciate everyone here! I just wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could sit and read all of the great EH&S everyone has to offer!
There is so much to work on and if I think about them all as a whole it feels overwhelming. That leads to feelings of sadness and depression that I’m such a “broken” person for having these faults.
Looking back on the good instead of the reality of the situation - check.
Having problems asking for help - check.
Perfectionism - CHECK!
Realizing that saying things over and over to try to FINALLY Make them “get it.” - CHECK!
Just for today I’m going to focus on the new “No contact” rule and resist the urge to unblock him since that seems to be the most difficult at this time.
Once I have that down then I can work on the next issue that seems to be most pressing.
I can only handle my own check list one item at a time, or I will feel like it’s too much.
I appreciate everyone here! I just wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could sit and read all of the great EH&S everyone has to offer!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
My mind and my upbringing kept telling me, all of those things are how you show love, concern and caring, take them away and how was I do that?
While the notion is nice, (especially when you're raised to love Jesus - afterall, there was no greater sacrifice) it took the better part of 40 years (and a whole lot of drilling into a thick skull) for me to see anything unhealthy with the way I was raised.
Ahh....If only the the Sermon on the Mount had included "put your own oxygen mask on first."
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Here's another one - apologizing for EVERYTHING as a knee-jerk reaction.
I had to absolutely reprogram myself to stop saying, "I'm sorry" in reaction to everything.
I had to absolutely reprogram myself to stop saying, "I'm sorry" in reaction to everything.
Hehe....then I realize and stopped. And immediately though - OH NO! Have I become completely unapologetic for things I really should be apologizing for?!
Currently, I'll err on the side of being unapologetic for a minute and circle back to finding balance on this one later.
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….. take them away and how was I do that?
Me, I find a lot of nothing underneath all that dysfunction in my FOO especially- meaning that we were only bonded BY those bad behaviors/labels/definitions.
I truly believe this can be changed going forward, but not when only one part of the dynamic changes. I can't fix it on all sides for all of us & it makes my no-longer-Codie relationship with my FOO far more difficult to manage or maintain than it is with my husband. Even in the worst times, he's always seen me as a separate person from him - they only ever see my part in the family dynamic, not WHO I am. At least, not since I've changed in my recovery and those things have different definitions now - I used to be my part, now I am an individual in all parts of my life.
I'm seeing it all trace back at least somewhat to acceptance...… you have to be able to accept the reality in order to accept the necessary changes. My FOO will tell you it's blood/DNA - that simply by being born into one another's lives, we automatically have that.
Hmmmmm…. I call that Obligation.
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