Codependent habits to break.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
I did 12 step/ read recovery books/ went to different kinds therapy too, from my 20s-30s (in my 40s now). Recently I donated several boxes of books, and still have a book case full! What happened to me, is after a while I hit a wall and mellowed out on it, but it took a long time, and I do find myself referencing certain books/ materials when things come up in life.
Also I find myself finding comfort in different things like others have mentioned. For a while it was yoga and groups and martial arts, also talking to old friends, walking, observing wildlife, learning about astrology charts, watching movies, etc. Loss and painful experiences still happen, but hopefully there’s some assimilated knowledge there. Hang in there, it really is such a process, and loss is just so painful. Every big and little thing you’re doing to try to get through it helps, even if you might not feel it in the moment.
Also I find myself finding comfort in different things like others have mentioned. For a while it was yoga and groups and martial arts, also talking to old friends, walking, observing wildlife, learning about astrology charts, watching movies, etc. Loss and painful experiences still happen, but hopefully there’s some assimilated knowledge there. Hang in there, it really is such a process, and loss is just so painful. Every big and little thing you’re doing to try to get through it helps, even if you might not feel it in the moment.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
Well done on turning your ship around. Any tips on how to stop the obsessing? My new obsessing is self help podcasts/books etc but it's too much sometimes.
I too started pouring over self-help books, websites, podcasts, etc. I knew there was truth in there, and it all made complete sense, but I couldn't connect my brain with my heart. There was a block in between the two. Then I came to this forum which eventually steered me to Al-anon. That was an enormous part of my healing. I then found a great therapist who understood addiction/alcoholism and the effects on the family. That helped move me forward as well.
The steps forward were sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, sometimes backwards, but any movement was good. And the slips backwards became quicker and smaller and less painful and the times in between slips started to become larger.
Yoga was an extremely important part of my healing as it allowed me to learn how to focus on me as well as so much more. Meditation is an absolute in my day and it allows me time to be still and answers often come during that silence. These two things were absolutely necessary for me in my healing process.
And, as I think we've talked about, the inner child work was super important. It really taught me to look inside and see what that inner child needed when I was triggered or when the obsessive thoughts started. What was she saying that she needed.
For me it was about learning how to love myself, not continuously abandon myself, take care of me and always be checking in with myself and what I need.
And often when the obsession train would start up, I would catch it and say to myself (and often times out loud by accident) "No, we don't do that anymore!" It's really about breaking an old pattern of focusing on my X and my situation. Basically I would focus on the past and how to change it which isn't possible and where forgiveness had to truly step into play. That one took me a very long time.
Also, when my mind starts going to an obsessive thought (usually again about my X), I stop, I see it, I stop the video reel and take a snapshot of it in my head. And then I rip it into pieces and throw it away. And it's gone and the thought stops. Then and there. But that too came after a lot of healing work.
Turn the focus to you. Awareness is huge in this. Being aware when the mind starts to wander and obsess. So often I'd be like "what? how did I get HERE lost in this obsessive thought from thinking about something completely different" It was like all roads led to thinking about my X, for a very long time. But awareness is a huge part of this and knowing when you're lost in thought. Remember we can be the witness to our thoughts, we are not our thoughts.
But keep doing the work. It is not easy, it's not quick. It took you many years to get here. You now need to untangle an old knot. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Don't beat yourself up when you have those obsessive thoughts, just say "oh, there you go again. we don't have to do that anymore" and change your thoughts. It is really building new neural pathways and it takes time and effort. But you will get there. You are worth it!!! And the payoff is soooo worth it and so beautiful. Don't give up on you.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by FindingAmy
I would love to tell you that there was some quick fix to this, trust me I searched for it, but the answer is there isn't one. It took me three consistent years of a combination of many things. And I'm not perfect and my mind still sometimes goes there, but my tools now kick in and can get me back on my path pretty quickly.
I too started pouring over self-help books, websites, podcasts, etc. I knew there was truth in there, and it all made complete sense, but I couldn't connect my brain with my heart. There was a block in between the two. Then I came to this forum which eventually steered me to Al-anon. That was an enormous part of my healing. I then found a great therapist who understood addiction/alcoholism and the effects on the family. That helped move me forward as well.
The steps forward were sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, sometimes backwards, but any movement was good. And the slips backwards became quicker and smaller and less painful and the times in between slips started to become larger.
Yoga was an extremely important part of my healing as it allowed me to learn how to focus on me as well as so much more. Meditation is an absolute in my day and it allows me time to be still and answers often come during that silence. These two things were absolutely necessary for me in my healing process.
And, as I think we've talked about, the inner child work was super important. It really taught me to look inside and see what that inner child needed when I was triggered or when the obsessive thoughts started. What was she saying that she needed.
For me it was about learning how to love myself, not continuously abandon myself, take care of me and always be checking in with myself and what I need.
And often when the obsession train would start up, I would catch it and say to myself (and often times out loud by accident) "No, we don't do that anymore!" It's really about breaking an old pattern of focusing on my X and my situation. Basically I would focus on the past and how to change it which isn't possible and where forgiveness had to truly step into play. That one took me a very long time.
Also, when my mind starts going to an obsessive thought (usually again about my X), I stop, I see it, I stop the video reel and take a snapshot of it in my head. And then I rip it into pieces and throw it away. And it's gone and the thought stops. Then and there. But that too came after a lot of healing work.
Turn the focus to you. Awareness is huge in this. Being aware when the mind starts to wander and obsess. So often I'd be like "what? how did I get HERE lost in this obsessive thought from thinking about something completely different" It was like all roads led to thinking about my X, for a very long time. But awareness is a huge part of this and knowing when you're lost in thought. Remember we can be the witness to our thoughts, we are not our thoughts.
But keep doing the work. It is not easy, it's not quick. It took you many years to get here. You now need to untangle an old knot. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Don't beat yourself up when you have those obsessive thoughts, just say "oh, there you go again. we don't have to do that anymore" and change your thoughts. It is really building new neural pathways and it takes time and effort. But you will get there. You are worth it!!! And the payoff is soooo worth it and so beautiful. Don't give up on you.
I too started pouring over self-help books, websites, podcasts, etc. I knew there was truth in there, and it all made complete sense, but I couldn't connect my brain with my heart. There was a block in between the two. Then I came to this forum which eventually steered me to Al-anon. That was an enormous part of my healing. I then found a great therapist who understood addiction/alcoholism and the effects on the family. That helped move me forward as well.
The steps forward were sometimes huge, sometimes tiny, sometimes backwards, but any movement was good. And the slips backwards became quicker and smaller and less painful and the times in between slips started to become larger.
Yoga was an extremely important part of my healing as it allowed me to learn how to focus on me as well as so much more. Meditation is an absolute in my day and it allows me time to be still and answers often come during that silence. These two things were absolutely necessary for me in my healing process.
And, as I think we've talked about, the inner child work was super important. It really taught me to look inside and see what that inner child needed when I was triggered or when the obsessive thoughts started. What was she saying that she needed.
For me it was about learning how to love myself, not continuously abandon myself, take care of me and always be checking in with myself and what I need.
And often when the obsession train would start up, I would catch it and say to myself (and often times out loud by accident) "No, we don't do that anymore!" It's really about breaking an old pattern of focusing on my X and my situation. Basically I would focus on the past and how to change it which isn't possible and where forgiveness had to truly step into play. That one took me a very long time.
Also, when my mind starts going to an obsessive thought (usually again about my X), I stop, I see it, I stop the video reel and take a snapshot of it in my head. And then I rip it into pieces and throw it away. And it's gone and the thought stops. Then and there. But that too came after a lot of healing work.
Turn the focus to you. Awareness is huge in this. Being aware when the mind starts to wander and obsess. So often I'd be like "what? how did I get HERE lost in this obsessive thought from thinking about something completely different" It was like all roads led to thinking about my X, for a very long time. But awareness is a huge part of this and knowing when you're lost in thought. Remember we can be the witness to our thoughts, we are not our thoughts.
But keep doing the work. It is not easy, it's not quick. It took you many years to get here. You now need to untangle an old knot. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. Be compassionate to yourself. Don't beat yourself up when you have those obsessive thoughts, just say "oh, there you go again. we don't have to do that anymore" and change your thoughts. It is really building new neural pathways and it takes time and effort. But you will get there. You are worth it!!! And the payoff is soooo worth it and so beautiful. Don't give up on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by FindingAmy
Your heart and your head will get it together. I promise. Just keep doing the work and taking care of yourself. You're doing great, your posts show so much awareness. Keep going...
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Be gentle on yourself when you slip. It's ok and it happens. What's important is that you noticed you slipped and you responded differently. Each time, as minute and tiny as it is, you move forward. Little by little but it all matters. When I would want to do something like that, before I did it I would stop and ask myself "is that self-loving?" and the answer was usually no. It then took a ****-ton of willpower to walk away from whatever I was about to do. But you are so worth it. You need to take care of YOU. If that was a friend about to check online, you'd smack their hand and tell them not to do it. Be that friend to yourself. And remember, it's not easy and it's ok. It's work but it's worth it. You will delete the number soon. I can tell. You are getting there. Give yourself a pat on the back for awareness and every moment is a new opportunity to be better.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
How about trying "wandering off"?
You are in a rut of sorts, before looking at codependency you were in a rut of rumination about him. Now it sounds like you are in a rut of thoughts about codependency.
Think of it like walking around a big oblong dirt track, pondering. Nothing wrong with that in general, but it gets old and boring and repetitive.
What happens if you wander off the track? Half way around the track you take a right turn and start wandering that way. Where does that take you? To the library every day? To a yoga class, to a waterpark? Camping for the weekend? To a cooking class.
What if you decided to become really really good at making 4-5 Asian dishes (or Italian etc, whatever appeals to you) and you pursued that. Take some classes in it, the benefit is two fold, you meet others with similar interests and you get good at something you enjoy.
Do you have theatre in your city, have you ever been? Musicals? Can you act at all, ever thought about joining a small theatre company?
Wander off the path, it's well worn and it is your home base and place of comfort but it's time to expand it perhaps?
You are in a rut of sorts, before looking at codependency you were in a rut of rumination about him. Now it sounds like you are in a rut of thoughts about codependency.
Think of it like walking around a big oblong dirt track, pondering. Nothing wrong with that in general, but it gets old and boring and repetitive.
What happens if you wander off the track? Half way around the track you take a right turn and start wandering that way. Where does that take you? To the library every day? To a yoga class, to a waterpark? Camping for the weekend? To a cooking class.
What if you decided to become really really good at making 4-5 Asian dishes (or Italian etc, whatever appeals to you) and you pursued that. Take some classes in it, the benefit is two fold, you meet others with similar interests and you get good at something you enjoy.
Do you have theatre in your city, have you ever been? Musicals? Can you act at all, ever thought about joining a small theatre company?
Wander off the path, it's well worn and it is your home base and place of comfort but it's time to expand it perhaps?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix
How about trying "wandering off"?
You are in a rut of sorts, before looking at codependency you were in a rut of rumination about him. Now it sounds like you are in a rut of thoughts about codependency.
Think of it like walking around a big oblong dirt track, pondering. Nothing wrong with that in general, but it gets old and boring and repetitive.
What happens if you wander off the track? Half way around the track you take a right turn and start wandering that way. Where does that take you? To the library every day? To a yoga class, to a waterpark? Camping for the weekend? To a cooking class.
What if you decided to become really really good at making 4-5 Asian dishes (or Italian etc, whatever appeals to you) and you pursued that. Take some classes in it, the benefit is two fold, you meet others with similar interests and you get good at something you enjoy.
Do you have theatre in your city, have you ever been? Musicals? Can you act at all, ever thought about joining a small theatre company?
Wander off the path, it's well worn and it is your home base and place of comfort but it's time to expand it perhaps?
You are in a rut of sorts, before looking at codependency you were in a rut of rumination about him. Now it sounds like you are in a rut of thoughts about codependency.
Think of it like walking around a big oblong dirt track, pondering. Nothing wrong with that in general, but it gets old and boring and repetitive.
What happens if you wander off the track? Half way around the track you take a right turn and start wandering that way. Where does that take you? To the library every day? To a yoga class, to a waterpark? Camping for the weekend? To a cooking class.
What if you decided to become really really good at making 4-5 Asian dishes (or Italian etc, whatever appeals to you) and you pursued that. Take some classes in it, the benefit is two fold, you meet others with similar interests and you get good at something you enjoy.
Do you have theatre in your city, have you ever been? Musicals? Can you act at all, ever thought about joining a small theatre company?
Wander off the path, it's well worn and it is your home base and place of comfort but it's time to expand it perhaps?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
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Feeling guilty and People Pleasing. Or should I say feeling guilty when I decide not to please rather? I really struggle on this one. From an intellectual level I know I should not feel this way, but my gut feeling still remains to “fix” and “please” and if I fail, my brain still wants to stew in guilt or at least anxiety for failing to “do my job” which isn’t my job at all. Go figure, heh
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Feeling guilty and People Pleasing. Or should I say feeling guilty when I decide not to please rather? I really struggle on this one. From an intellectual level I know I should not feel this way, but my gut feeling still remains to “fix” and “please” and if I fail, my brain still wants to stew in guilt or at least anxiety for failing to “do my job” which isn’t my job at all. Go figure, heh
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Location: Boston
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Glenjo99 thanks for this thread....helping me so much to read all the posts...
From FS: I was better at passive aggressive stuff like "can't you SEE that I NEED x-y-z??" Blameshifting even while asking for help!
Still struggling so much with this. And struggling with the fact that I've been able to spot it and recognize when I am doing this for YEARS but haven't been able to effectively change this in myself. Of course I try to ask for help and detach from the outcome.....but then I might get frustrated with how or when the thing is done...and then I feel so petty, ungrateful and small, and judge myself for being too demanding, etc., etc., round and round. Blech.
I seem to come around to "well if something needs to be done and I want it done a certain way then just do it myself, don't complain..." so I do it myself and don't complain out loud. LOL! Internally I am pissed off because as FS said "can't the person see this needs to be done? Cant they see I need help."
I realize it was my codie training in childhood to spot every possible imperfection and flaw in everyone and everything including myself and try to nip it in the bud as if that level of control is even possible or healthy....
Sometimes gratitude exercises help....sometimes I feel very numb to my gratitude list: like I know I have so much, so very much to be grateful for....but it doesn't lead to solace or I don't feel it transforming my resentment/anger...just feel numbed towards my many blessings, if that even makes sense? Or because of my habits of mind the gratitude just cant overwhelm the investment in the list of grievances, always seeing them as out-weighing the blessings on balance.
The struggle continues...
Peace,
B.
From FS: I was better at passive aggressive stuff like "can't you SEE that I NEED x-y-z??" Blameshifting even while asking for help!
Still struggling so much with this. And struggling with the fact that I've been able to spot it and recognize when I am doing this for YEARS but haven't been able to effectively change this in myself. Of course I try to ask for help and detach from the outcome.....but then I might get frustrated with how or when the thing is done...and then I feel so petty, ungrateful and small, and judge myself for being too demanding, etc., etc., round and round. Blech.
I seem to come around to "well if something needs to be done and I want it done a certain way then just do it myself, don't complain..." so I do it myself and don't complain out loud. LOL! Internally I am pissed off because as FS said "can't the person see this needs to be done? Cant they see I need help."
I realize it was my codie training in childhood to spot every possible imperfection and flaw in everyone and everything including myself and try to nip it in the bud as if that level of control is even possible or healthy....
Sometimes gratitude exercises help....sometimes I feel very numb to my gratitude list: like I know I have so much, so very much to be grateful for....but it doesn't lead to solace or I don't feel it transforming my resentment/anger...just feel numbed towards my many blessings, if that even makes sense? Or because of my habits of mind the gratitude just cant overwhelm the investment in the list of grievances, always seeing them as out-weighing the blessings on balance.
The struggle continues...
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Glenjo99 thanks for this thread....helping me so much to read all the posts...
From FS: I was better at passive aggressive stuff like "can't you SEE that I NEED x-y-z??" Blameshifting even while asking for help!
Still struggling so much with this. And struggling with the fact that I've been able to spot it and recognize when I am doing this for YEARS but haven't been able to effectively change this in myself. Of course I try to ask for help and detach from the outcome.....but then I might get frustrated with how or when the thing is done...and then I feel so petty, ungrateful and small, and judge myself for being too demanding, etc., etc., round and round. Blech.
I seem to come around to "well if something needs to be done and I want it done a certain way then just do it myself, don't complain..." so I do it myself and don't complain out loud. LOL! Internally I am pissed off because as FS said "can't the person see this needs to be done? Cant they see I need help."
I realize it was my codie training in childhood to spot every possible imperfection and flaw in everyone and everything including myself and try to nip it in the bud as if that level of control is even possible or healthy....
Sometimes gratitude exercises help....sometimes I feel very numb to my gratitude list: like I know I have so much, so very much to be grateful for....but it doesn't lead to solace or I don't feel it transforming my resentment/anger...just feel numbed towards my many blessings, if that even makes sense? Or because of my habits of mind the gratitude just cant overwhelm the investment in the list of grievances, always seeing them as out-weighing the blessings on balance.
The struggle continues...
Peace,
B.
From FS: I was better at passive aggressive stuff like "can't you SEE that I NEED x-y-z??" Blameshifting even while asking for help!
Still struggling so much with this. And struggling with the fact that I've been able to spot it and recognize when I am doing this for YEARS but haven't been able to effectively change this in myself. Of course I try to ask for help and detach from the outcome.....but then I might get frustrated with how or when the thing is done...and then I feel so petty, ungrateful and small, and judge myself for being too demanding, etc., etc., round and round. Blech.
I seem to come around to "well if something needs to be done and I want it done a certain way then just do it myself, don't complain..." so I do it myself and don't complain out loud. LOL! Internally I am pissed off because as FS said "can't the person see this needs to be done? Cant they see I need help."
I realize it was my codie training in childhood to spot every possible imperfection and flaw in everyone and everything including myself and try to nip it in the bud as if that level of control is even possible or healthy....
Sometimes gratitude exercises help....sometimes I feel very numb to my gratitude list: like I know I have so much, so very much to be grateful for....but it doesn't lead to solace or I don't feel it transforming my resentment/anger...just feel numbed towards my many blessings, if that even makes sense? Or because of my habits of mind the gratitude just cant overwhelm the investment in the list of grievances, always seeing them as out-weighing the blessings on balance.
The struggle continues...
Peace,
B.
Very honest post and I can relate to so much of it. The passive aggressiveness, I'm an expert at it and trying to change it but it's a slow process. I'm king of trying to do it all myself, because no one else could do it like I could, and most of all because I hate asking for help, huge codependent trait! Still not good at this.
I particularly relate to your gratitude list. I do one daily too. Most days I'm not feeling the gratitude, I'm doing it because I know it's good for me and helps to write it down. My hope is that somewhere down the line, something will kick in and I'll go, aha! That's why I'm doing this.
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Posts: 415
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Feeling guilty and People Pleasing. Or should I say feeling guilty when I decide not to please rather? I really struggle on this one. From an intellectual level I know I should not feel this way, but my gut feeling still remains to “fix” and “please” and if I fail, my brain still wants to stew in guilt or at least anxiety for failing to “do my job” which isn’t my job at all. Go figure, heh
went through bad couple of weeks in which I was wallowing in that guilt and found my old self trying to break through and bringing back old behaviors! So easy to slip back into those old patterns! That’s when I stepped up my al anon meetings and my visits to this site etcetera... now coming out the othe side of that ickiness and feeling much better about life again... 😊
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