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Is it me?

Old 08-29-2018, 09:25 AM
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Is it me?

Hi everyone. Hadn't posted in a while. In June I left my highly functioning AW. I was attending Al anon and doing work on myself and she was doing nothing except hiding her drinking the best she could. She found out yesterday that I had told a close friend of mine why we separated and that sent her in to a tizzy as to how could I violate the fundamental rule of Al Anon "anonymity" and how dare I tell anyone as it isn't my story to tell it is hers.
What I get from that is that she hasn't accepted or believes she has a problem even thought she is going to AA. Or am I wrong?
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Old 08-29-2018, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by jdl1166 View Post
What I get from that is that she hasn't accepted or believes she has a problem even thought she is going to AA. Or am I wrong?
Hi jd, good to see you back (not the situation that brings you here, of course).

To answer your question, I don't know if she does or doesn't but I do know that's on her side of the street.

In my opinion no, you aren't wrong. You can tell whomever you want why you separated, that is not a secret as far as I can tell, your truth is your truth, you have no obligation to keep that secret.

I don't know that I would have done that though. You probably know this would feel destructive to her? The fact that she found out means it has gone further than your close friend? I guess I just wouldn't want to kick someone when they are trying to heal.

What was your motivation for telling him/her?

As for AA, if you mentioned she is going to AA, well I would consider that to be out of line. You are also under no obligation to keep that a secret, you are not an AA member and so I guess you needn't feel that obligation.

Personally, I would not have disclosed that to a friend out of respect for the anonymity of the group, but that's just my personal opinion.
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Old 08-29-2018, 09:44 AM
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IMO - you're allowed to share with close friends about your life choices..... as long as you aren't throwing barbs, gossiping, degrading her character & just speaking to the facts as they were in your reality & how it impacted your life.

If she has a problem with that it's her problem, not yours. It doesn't matter why she takes issue with it, it's hers to figure out - I'd stay in my own lane & try not to wander too far down the path of wondering what her thoughts or motives are.

I would, however, ask my friend to be more considerate about not sharing my personal conversations like that. My issue would be with the middle man here - not her.
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:04 AM
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Alcoholism is about secrecy you didn't do anything wrong. You can confide in a close friend about what is going on with you. I would have said she is working on herself. I'm working on me. Instead of talking about AA.
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:04 AM
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jdl.….I don't see that you did anything out of line.....

I think that she is trying to keep her drinking a secret....

As I understand it...one is not supposed to share information about others that is shared within the alanon group.....
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:20 AM
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What I get from that is that she hasn't accepted or believes she has a problem even thought she is going to AA. Or am I wrong?


I think that assumption would be reaching a bit. She may just be embarrassed. There is a lot of stigma surrounding alcohol abuse and also programs like AA.

But I do think you have a right to share what your experiencing with family and friends as you see fit.

I shared with my close family and friends who I knew I could look to for my own support, or to support my family (myself and my husband)

Curious, how word got back to your wife. Did you tell her, did the news spread in a gossip sort of way, or did that person contact her to offer support? Maybe the context of how she found out others knew' contributed to her feelings?
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:25 AM
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Jd,
Once again, you are supposed to protect her in someway like the big white elephant in the room? I am sure it was no surprise to the friend either.

During the last few years of my marriage and after the divorce I told people my axh was an addict. I lived in secrecy for 30 plus years and it nearly ate me alive. I would not do it again.

You are being honest and I feel you have done nothing wrong. I am sorry that your aw doesn't want to take ownership of her what she has done. I am sure it was uncomfortable for you to even tell this friend your personal truth. Hang in there, you owe her nothing.
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Old 08-29-2018, 11:03 AM
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Keep in mind that just because she is going to AA meetings doesn’t mean she is practicing any kind of recovery. And if she is still hiding her drinking, recovery is not really in the picture as a major player.

You are entitled to share your story with anyone you wish as her drinking has become a part of your own story but there are consequences that come with who we share with and what we share.

Make sure everybody in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes when you’re not looking!!!
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Old 08-29-2018, 11:10 AM
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You know what makes me mad about this?! The fact that an alcoholic can continue to dictate on whether the other party gets a say so in their life by speaking the truth and horrors that the alcoholic put them through.

I know when I said I do, it was as a team player and I was a team player but he was a selfish, self centered, self absorb, drunk who destroyed everything. I think I have a right to tell someone who asks, What happened? Why? Because that person put me through hell and I paid my dues to speak up. I don't have to live in secret anymore because it's what that person wants.

I do not care who likes this or not. It's where I am in my recovery. I'm tired of keeping the secret.
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Old 08-29-2018, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post

What I get from that is that she hasn't accepted or believes she has a problem even thought she is going to AA. Or am I wrong?


I think that assumption would be reaching a bit. She may just be embarrassed. There is a lot of stigma surrounding alcohol abuse and also programs like AA.

But I do think you have a right to share what your experiencing with family and friends as you see fit.

I shared with my close family and friends who I knew I could look to for my own support, or to support my family (myself and my husband)

Curious, how word got back to your wife. Did you tell her, did the news spread in a gossip sort of way, or did that person contact her to offer support? Maybe the context of how she found out others knew' contributed to her feelings?
Yeah. I'm curious about that too. How did she find out? I will add that it's also your story. I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I felt I was betraying my AH. When I finally told a few because I felt like I needed support, there was at least one whom I wish I had not told.
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Old 08-29-2018, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
jdl..I don't see that you did anything out of line.....

I think that she is trying to keep her drinking a secret....

As I understand it...one is not supposed to share information about others that is shared within the alanon group.....
I totally agree with this and I don't think you broke any moral Al-Anon/AA rule lol

I guess I would be concerned that others might see her talking to someone and pin them as alcoholic as well or something, anyway that was just my personal thought.

So much misunderstanding about alcoholism and stigma as well. No, you don't have to keep a secret - I 100 percent for sure would not keep it a secret myself, just think it's kind of be mindful of not hurting her effort.
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Old 08-30-2018, 01:36 PM
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she has no right to outrage. you have a right to share the truth as you see it with your friends. you have zero obligation to keep her secret if it hurts you or keeps you from healing in the process of doing so.
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Old 08-30-2018, 03:39 PM
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Anonymity in Alanon means you don't share who you see and what they said in those meetings. You have zero obligation to her.
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Old 08-31-2018, 10:41 AM
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how dare I tell anyone as it isn't my story to tell it is hers.
THAT says to me that she hasn't acknowledged the pain and suffering that her alcoholism inflicted on you.

The effects of her behavior on your psyche and your soul are YOUR story, not hers. She made choices. You can make choices too.
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Old 08-31-2018, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by jdl1166 View Post
Hi everyone. Hadn't posted in a while. In June I left my highly functioning AW. I was attending Al anon and doing work on myself and she was doing nothing except hiding her drinking the best she could. She found out yesterday that I had told a close friend of mine why we separated and that sent her in to a tizzy as to how could I violate the fundamental rule of Al Anon "anonymity" and how dare I tell anyone as it isn't my story to tell it is hers.
What I get from that is that she hasn't accepted or believes she has a problem even thought she is going to AA. Or am I wrong?
Ok so, in re-reading your original post I realize I misread it. Which may be why my reply sounded a bit wonky!

I read it as your ex being upset because you had announced she was in AA, I missed the part that it was Al Anon anonymity that she was discussing.

As firesprite mentioned, I would be more concerned about the close friend that decided to spread the word, if in fact that is what happened.
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Old 08-31-2018, 11:49 AM
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I could also imagine a scenario where the close friend tries to discuss the issue with the AW directly. It could range anywhere from "Do you realize what your spouse is saying about you?" to "I'm really concerned about the direction you're heading in" to "What the hell are you doing to my friend?"

In any case, the AW realizes the cat is out of the bag.

Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 08-31-2018 at 11:50 AM. Reason: Changed either to any
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