Wamama48

I guess I'm not on the same page as a lot of people. I knew I deserved better, I knew I should be treated better and I knew I was worth it. I stayed because I was so depressed I couldn't work (depression was mostly from poorly managed Bipolar. Bipolar is well managed now with the right medications, yay!) because I couldn't make it in my own without a lot of money from someone else, and yes, because I loved him. I honestly couldn't see a way out. I'm partly mad at myself for staying, but it's mainly at all the alcoholics in my family who hurt people but continue to drink. Disease or because they can't help it or see it, the hurt and anger is still there. I feel that's the underlying cause. But in the end I didn't cause their alcoholism, and I can't cure it. But the anger with it is still valid.

FireSprite

Me too - that's part of why I was angry at me. Even if I felt like a victim to circumstances, I was angry at being in this place at all & not providing myself with more options.

I don't meant that it was ALL self-directed - that was just part of my anger. Definitely had gobs of anger at people & their choices & behaviors to deal with on the surface..... but once I worked through a lot of that & still had a lot of ick-anger feelings left, I realized that part was about me & my relationship with myself.

hopeful4

Yes, me three! I absolutely knew I deserved better. However, I come from a family that no one divorces, and you just make it work. It's toxic for many (big family). However I was raised you just ruin your family if you divorce.

So a big part of my anger was at him, another big part at myself. And yes, I did once upon a time love my XAH (or as close to that type of love I have ever known for anyone. I am still not sure I have ever really loved). It was not all bad times. You just want to them to get their crap straight and be happy. In reality, it does not happen like that.

It's ok to be angry. It's a major part of the grieving process. You have friends here to vent to, and to be there for you!

NYCDoglvr

Anytime I have a resentment towards someone else I stop and ask "what's MY part in this?" Regarding the alcoholic who caused utter havoc in my life my part was this: I picked him and I stayed longer than I'm willing to admit. Cuts the anger quickly.

Wamama48

I can understand the no divorce thing.

Wamama48

I honestly cannot see my part (fault?) for choosing my husband. Had I known he would become an alcoholic 3 years after we were married I wouldn't have married him. I can't see the future, but I sure wish I could! This is all making me even angrier. What he chose to do wasn't my fault. Staying after I was done might have been, but I saw no way out. With that said, when someone here says something that makes you really mad, that usually means there's something to it. So I will explore and give thought to what many here have said, because they are probably right. But I still think you're wrong. 😂

DontRemember

I say this kindly; Had he not been a decent 'provider' would you have married/"chose" him? This is why **I** think personal accountability is a MUST with the 'letting go' of anger or...blah,blah,blah.... We all make our own decisions.

Edit: Like my signature says; "If a man gets bit holding a snake in his hand,who do you blame the snake or the man?"..

trailmix

My Father was an alcoholic all of his life. Destructive, mean, etc etc. He also had good points. Very intelligent person, could be very kind, great to talk to sometimes. There are very few people that are all bad. I'm not angry at him, at all. Did I resent him sometimes, absolutely. Perhaps angry sometimes for his treatment of my Mother and even others, that remains. But I don't blame him as such. We all work with what we have, you work with what you have, the alcoholics in your family work with what they have, demons and all.

So you find yourself surrounded by people whose behaviour toward you had been destructive, to you, to your life, to those you care about.

Handling all that is kind of like juggling? You have all the balls in the air juggling, juggling, all this chaos is going on, you keep all the balls afloat, keep things smoothed over, try to keep yourself on an even keel, take care of yourself and your family.

I think you have stopped juggling (tiring isn't it?).

Now what. Juggling sucked but at least there was some comfort in the fact that you were keeping everything afloat in your world. Now the balls all lay at your feet. Some of them kind of scary, some you just want to kick.

Why wouldn't you be angry. Did anyone step in to say hey, let me help you out there? If they did, did you accept their help? It's complicated and frustrating.

Regardless, that part is over. You are not a hostage. You do not have to accept any treatment from anyone EVER that you do not want to. Doesn't mean you all of a sudden turn in to a she-devil, it does mean you need to start taking care of yourself. You deserve kindness from yourself.

Sasha1972

I think there's a difference between owning my part in the marriage (which was more than just alcoholism, although that ended up consuming the rest of it) and owning my part in someone else's drinking. Yes, I chose to marry the alcoholic, at a point in his life when his drinking wasn't yet out of control. I don't think I made a mistake there - at the time, he was a great person. I own some of the issues in the marriage (I could be distant, conflict-averse, etc). But I don't have any part in his addiction or his decisions to let his addiction take priority over everything else. That's all completely on him.

Mellybug2018

Oh, I’m VERY angry at the moment and most of it is self-directed. I ALLOWED this to happen to me (you have to lay down to be a doormat). I am also very angry at him for all he put me through, all of the broken promises, all of the lies, and most of all for saying each and every time we argued that “had he known I felt that way...”. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Literally every single one of our fights was about his drinking and each time I said the same things. So that’s when the anger shifts to me - why did I think that “this time” it would be any different?
I’ll work through it and try to be kind to myself. After all, I did what I did out of a place of caring for him, I was being what I thought was a “good and loving person”.
I made mistakes, but at least I know not to make those mistakes anymore.

Glenjo99

I can relate, and my experience was with an alcoholic for only under a couple of years. We're no longer in contact but I miss him

Today I woke up feeling so angry. I'm angry at the world. I went to the gym to run it off, but I was angry at people there making noise lol. I came home and went back to bed and deciding to stay here for a while, the outside world is pissing me off today.

I dreamed a lot about him last night. I really miss him being in my life and I think that's what I'm angry about. I'm angry that the things he said, and the plans we had must not have meant as much to him. God I feel so stupid. It's just so sad. It's like one step forward and 2 back.

Wishing you well.

FireSprite

Completely agree. I didn't blow past a bunch of red flags & start out accepting unacceptable behavior. It wasn't even addiction ~for us~ that has been the monster in the closet - it's untreated ADHD & that took a lot longer to "see". At the time they also told us adults outgrew ADHD & there was extremely limited info available/known.

My self-anger is about ME - not believing in myself, not able to define myself outside of my relationships, not having any true relationship with my Self, not seeing my own destructive behaviors etc. I was angry that *I* was the one holding myself back.

I'm not saying that I DESERVED this anger or that I had earned it in any way - but it was something I had to go through & sort out in order to quell the burning fire that was eating me alive. I had to be able to accept that when "I knew better, I did better" and that was all anyone is ever capable of.

Ladybird579

My kids who still see me say I am a so different now to the raging bull they had to content with I was with exah. I was permanently furious and raging to the point my poor kids younger never knew me any different. My ex never knew me as any different. I left, I worked on myself and I eventually calmed down. I forgave him. I am now happy, peaceful and no one ever even hears me raise my voice. Yes he's selfish, he treated me badly, he never learns but it is water off a ducks back now cos I do not have to deal with him anymore. I had to leave to stop the anger. My daughter visited me yesterday and she sid "I knew you were in there. I knew I'd get you back. It just took time and him being out of the picture."

Maudcat

My anger flares like a lit match. I honestly did not think I would haveso much anger and resentment toward my addicted sib and my mother, who enables him, always has.
When we lived in the mid-atlantic I was very active in Al-Anon. I had an amazing home group with lots of ESH, and I thought that I had it all together.
Then we moved back to Mass. to help with aged mothers.
I see my alcoholic sib several times a week, and it’s difficult.
Sometimes I just get furious with him and his actions.
Then I feel like he’s won, he’s taken a piece of me.
I haven’t found a good Al-Anon meeting here, and after a while, I gave up looking.
I’m not sure that is the answer anyway.
I think the real answer is that I lived 350 miles away from my sib.
I exercise, practice yoga, haven’t had a lot of success with guided meditation, tho I keep trying.
Mostly I try to keep in mind that it does absolutely no good to get angry with him, as he won’t remember the incident 24 hours later.
Peace and good thoughts.

trailmix

I hear that a lot in the F&F forum. "He didn't love me as much as I love him" - "the alcohol meant more to him than I do" - "he said he wanted to marry me but I guess that was just manipulation" etc

I don't think that anyone can really come to those conclusions unless you are a mind reader (unless of course they state - yes, I was just manipulating you).

Understanding alcoholism helps to put some of these thoughts to rest I think. Once you understand the draw to alcohol and the way it affects someones mind/brain, you realize it's not really about you.

Someone changing themselves, for any reason, is HARD! You and many others here know that for a fact as you work on yourself.

I'm just saying not all addicts are uncaring, but the mountain to climb to get what they want is huge and for some, too much.

Glenjo99

I agree, they are not all uncaring, wounded/damaged soul in my case.

Wamama48

Anger- seems to be something we all have in common. Some of us are further in the healing process than others, some of us just started that healing process. Realizing I've been a very angry person for several years, realizing it has taken over the other parts of me, was eye opening. Now to figure out a way to let that anger go.

7yearwait

couldn't have said it better, you are talking about my life,,, my married life of 7 years was spent arguing about his drinking , me explaining how badly it affected me,,,him pretending it was the first time he had heard this complaint (over and over)... he wasn't hurting anyone, i was overdramatic, he drank because i stressed him out,,blah blah blah
now 4 months after my divorce I'm still angry, angry at myself for staying on the crazy hamster wheel so long, angry at him for being so selfish, angry that I wasted my life on the false hope that I could " love him sober", angry when I think he " might get sober and live the perfect ending with someone else," angry that he doesn't see what he did to us and won't apologize!!!!! ........... then come the tears, non stop agonizing painful days and nights...........Im still in it; so I can't give you much advice, but Im also hoping that it will get better some day soon, keeping busy really helps at this point , good luck my dear

NYCDoglvr

Absolutely. It helps to take responsibility for my part of the relationship.