Forgiveness - EH&S requested
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
Forgiveness - EH&S requested
Really in an intellectual turmoil this morning. Mad at myself for engaging with my AXB yesterday. Mad at myself for even starting the relationship knowing he drank. Mad at myself for allowing him to talk me into staying with him even after he showed me no less than 6 times that he only said what I wanted to hear to keep me from leaving him. Mad at myself for feeling guilt about leaving him even though it’s what I really want and is best for me. Mad at myself for not following my own advice and not using the tools I’ve been learning in Al-Anon.
Clearly I have a great capacity for forgiveness, so why can’t I forgive myself? Why do I beat myself up for these things? I’m in a fragile emotional state after all that I’ve been through and logically tell myself I need to be gentle with myself. I need to forgive myself - I’m a Codie and even if i stumble I am moving in the right direction.
Could anyone please help share their own experience with this or offer encouragement?
I could really use it.
Clearly I have a great capacity for forgiveness, so why can’t I forgive myself? Why do I beat myself up for these things? I’m in a fragile emotional state after all that I’ve been through and logically tell myself I need to be gentle with myself. I need to forgive myself - I’m a Codie and even if i stumble I am moving in the right direction.
Could anyone please help share their own experience with this or offer encouragement?
I could really use it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I still struggle with this a lot. It took me a long time to even get to this in recovery, it's buried down many layers. For whatever reason I still have some core-level belief that I should manage everything emotional perfectly, the first time. So I recognize that it's rooted (for me) in some expectation of perfectionism but I can't find the "Off" button for that trigger.
I brought it up not too long ago myself & there have been a lot of great threads on forgiveness all around:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-yourself.html (Apologizing to Yourself)
.... work in progress here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think for me it was hard to forgive myself while I was continuing to do the same behaviors I wanted to forgive myself for. Like remaining in contact with him. It’s kind of like when they would tell us they were sorry but they still continued to do the things they said they were sorry for. And we are no different.
I am a firm believer in the no contact after a breakup because any contact with them pulls us back and sometimes way back and we end up in emotional turmoil all over again.
I am a firm believer in the no contact after a breakup because any contact with them pulls us back and sometimes way back and we end up in emotional turmoil all over again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
I'm working on the no contact thing. It's really hard at times, really easy at other times.
I still have his bed frame from when he was going to move in with me. Fortunately I had a MAJOR panic attack over that one and realized that was NOT a good idea in the slightest, so I backed out of it (BOY, did I catch holy heck for that, too). So, I'm going to put it in the storage unit he has the key to and tell him he has one week to get it out of there before I change the lock. After THAT I will block his number. Right now I'm just not responding to his texts.
I still have his bed frame from when he was going to move in with me. Fortunately I had a MAJOR panic attack over that one and realized that was NOT a good idea in the slightest, so I backed out of it (BOY, did I catch holy heck for that, too). So, I'm going to put it in the storage unit he has the key to and tell him he has one week to get it out of there before I change the lock. After THAT I will block his number. Right now I'm just not responding to his texts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, sometimes easy, sometimes hard.
There is no reason for you to continue to let him text you. If you don't want to block him right away just let him know you no longer wish to hear from him.
Trust me, I'm not judging you. I broke up with someone once and continued to talk and text for 2-3 months! It was a complete and utter waste of time, it was hurtful and it kept me stuck in that totally dysfunctional relationship. The only upside is that with the distance (and a person I trust who listened to all this) I finally saw how destructive that was to me and I cut it off.
It was hard for a week or two. I think more about omg what do I do now than - I miss the creep.
Eventually that fear and whatever was replaced with happiness as I went about my life and came across normal people.
I think atalose hit the nail on the head, you can't "forgive" yourself for something you are still doing.
There is no reason for you to continue to let him text you. If you don't want to block him right away just let him know you no longer wish to hear from him.
Trust me, I'm not judging you. I broke up with someone once and continued to talk and text for 2-3 months! It was a complete and utter waste of time, it was hurtful and it kept me stuck in that totally dysfunctional relationship. The only upside is that with the distance (and a person I trust who listened to all this) I finally saw how destructive that was to me and I cut it off.
It was hard for a week or two. I think more about omg what do I do now than - I miss the creep.
Eventually that fear and whatever was replaced with happiness as I went about my life and came across normal people.
I think atalose hit the nail on the head, you can't "forgive" yourself for something you are still doing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
People sometimes sneer at the AlAnon/AA slogans, like they are cliche or trite, but for me their simplicity and directness often just cuts through my racing mind or cloudy thinking.
What popped into my mind after reading this...
Mad at myself for engaging with my AXB yesterday. Mad at myself for even starting the relationship knowing he drank. Mad at myself for allowing him to talk me into staying with him even after he showed me no less than 6 times that he only said what I wanted to hear to keep me from leaving him. Mad at myself for feeling guilt about leaving him even though it’s what I really want and is best for me. Mad at myself for not following my own advice and not using the tools I’ve been learning in Al-Anon.
...was "Easy does it!"
I mean dang Melly that is a big list of "mads!!"
Maybe unpack just one of those, slowly and with a gentle eye, with a kind eye, just make a little space around it and see how that feels....
Another idea, that for me needed some slow unpacking and consideration is that anger is a sentinal, or guard at the post of other feelings....like sadness, shame, guilt.... I know for me anger is a nice bright firecracker with a short fuse that I can set off - it's marvelously distracting!! But what is it clouding? What is it guarding? I mean, this is my own castle, so I must have placed that guard on duty.
That's where I need to shine a light and feel the feelings and again, just create a little space around them, observe them as objectively as I can AND also feel them as fully as I can, sort of a 2 step dance....
This is a favorite meditation on forgiveness that has brought me peace many times - meaning I have turned to it frequently, and repeatedly (*sigh* ). Change and forgiveness are slow processes for me:
https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-for...ss-meditation/
Peace,
B.
What popped into my mind after reading this...
Mad at myself for engaging with my AXB yesterday. Mad at myself for even starting the relationship knowing he drank. Mad at myself for allowing him to talk me into staying with him even after he showed me no less than 6 times that he only said what I wanted to hear to keep me from leaving him. Mad at myself for feeling guilt about leaving him even though it’s what I really want and is best for me. Mad at myself for not following my own advice and not using the tools I’ve been learning in Al-Anon.
...was "Easy does it!"
I mean dang Melly that is a big list of "mads!!"
Maybe unpack just one of those, slowly and with a gentle eye, with a kind eye, just make a little space around it and see how that feels....
Another idea, that for me needed some slow unpacking and consideration is that anger is a sentinal, or guard at the post of other feelings....like sadness, shame, guilt.... I know for me anger is a nice bright firecracker with a short fuse that I can set off - it's marvelously distracting!! But what is it clouding? What is it guarding? I mean, this is my own castle, so I must have placed that guard on duty.
That's where I need to shine a light and feel the feelings and again, just create a little space around them, observe them as objectively as I can AND also feel them as fully as I can, sort of a 2 step dance....
This is a favorite meditation on forgiveness that has brought me peace many times - meaning I have turned to it frequently, and repeatedly (*sigh* ). Change and forgiveness are slow processes for me:
https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-for...ss-meditation/
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Oh Mellybug. I so get what you are feeling. It's very hard. And that is something you really need to remember. This work is not easy and requires constant awareness, but it is worth it. First, give yourself a second to breathe. Then give yourself a hug and remember that healing is not a straight line. It is curvy and bumpy and sometimes we even might take a step back. But it's ok, because we are always making progress in the right direction. Try to treat yourself as a loving parent would. There is a little girl in you having a very hard time. Let her know this is all ok and you've got her. Rather than judge her, try to see that you really are doing the best you can right now. Every day you are doing your best. And some days we slip and some days we soar ahead, but it is all part of the journey.
I do believe that the people we are in relationships with are here to teach us some type of lesson. And if it wasn't them, it would be someone else in their place until we learned the lesson. The lesson is not the person, it is the experience.
What are you meant to learn from this experience? Is it self-love, self-care? Is it about loving you and knowing you do the best you can and not judging yourself? Is it finding your inner strength and knowing that you are the strongest person you know and that you can do anything? Is it finding compassion for yourself? Is it to heal an old wound?
As Bernadette said, I too believe that anger is pain's bodyguard. And when we see the anger, we need to take a step back. I often ask myself what triggered this? What old story or old belief about myself is it bringing up? And I know it isn't true, because I know who I am. Our mind loves for us to believe the worst until we retrain it to see how amazingly awesome we are. For me I know every time I was triggered, it was an old wound being ripped open again that usually had nothing to do with my AXH, but probably something from my youth. It's this dissection and investigation into our hearts that allows us to grow and love ourselves for the person that we are, all sparkly and beautiful.
Give yourself some love today. Give yourself some compassion and a hug. It's not easy and you're doing some hard work. Give yourself a break. And keep on going. And give yourself a pat on the back for noticing your anger and being able to express it and inquire about it. That's a huge step as opposed to just sitting in it.
Remember, you need YOU now. Don't abandon yourself. Love yourself for the amazing person that you are!!
I do believe that the people we are in relationships with are here to teach us some type of lesson. And if it wasn't them, it would be someone else in their place until we learned the lesson. The lesson is not the person, it is the experience.
What are you meant to learn from this experience? Is it self-love, self-care? Is it about loving you and knowing you do the best you can and not judging yourself? Is it finding your inner strength and knowing that you are the strongest person you know and that you can do anything? Is it finding compassion for yourself? Is it to heal an old wound?
As Bernadette said, I too believe that anger is pain's bodyguard. And when we see the anger, we need to take a step back. I often ask myself what triggered this? What old story or old belief about myself is it bringing up? And I know it isn't true, because I know who I am. Our mind loves for us to believe the worst until we retrain it to see how amazingly awesome we are. For me I know every time I was triggered, it was an old wound being ripped open again that usually had nothing to do with my AXH, but probably something from my youth. It's this dissection and investigation into our hearts that allows us to grow and love ourselves for the person that we are, all sparkly and beautiful.
Give yourself some love today. Give yourself some compassion and a hug. It's not easy and you're doing some hard work. Give yourself a break. And keep on going. And give yourself a pat on the back for noticing your anger and being able to express it and inquire about it. That's a huge step as opposed to just sitting in it.
Remember, you need YOU now. Don't abandon yourself. Love yourself for the amazing person that you are!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
