Damit facebook
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Shredder22 
Are you trying to get me kicked off here? Those responses were bullying. I responded back with exactly my therapist would say. I was nice I'm not apathetic I'm empathetic. That clearly reeked of apathy. I hit the ignore button as suggested and if you are upset w me you can ignore me as well. Nobody knows our battles. People should be respected on here. Yes,
I'll get off my keyboard. Have a great day.
I'll get off my keyboard. Have a great day.
The advice to back away from the keyboard is given time & time again by our Mods when ANY member is feeling emotional. It's likely something your therapist would also agree with - I wasn't lashing out at you, I was trying to help you get some distance from something you perceived to be hurting you. That's it. I'm sorry you weren't receiving it that way.
I bumped an old thread that you might find helpful because it talks about all the differing expectations people have had about the support we give/receive on this forum. If not, no biggie.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I thought we were all in this together or if someone doesn't like my post they can just ignore me.
Shredder22 - I'm sorry that you felt the compulsion to look at your exABF's social media nonsense. Please know, we are all in this together, and it goes beyond "liking" or "not liking!" Sometimes we read a member's post and it's like that moment in the horror movie where you scream at the screen "No don't go in that basement!!" because we KNOW what's in the basement!
Getting beyond the need to be liked or the need to like is a difficult but necessary step in changing our codependent minds...it is super hard.
Be gentle with yourself - maybe jot down what you learned and next time you feel some sort of urge or compulsion to indulge in a behavior you know will hurt yourself, review what you wrote down, take some breaths, play the tape all the way through to the end and resist doing that thing that hurts you.
Each time you make a better choice, you are building up your new stronger healthier behavior, stronger muscle. Baby steps will still get you places. And believe me I know - I often have had to learn again, and again....and AGAIN the same lesson. When I am really stuck I realize I have to follow directions (therapy, AlAnon, etc.). And if I continue to find myself having to learn something yet again, then I have to admit I am not following my program, not following directions.....and I am hurting myself.
Try not to let a bad choice like looking at his FB to infect your whole day. Put it in a column, write it down, forgive yourself, allow for the possibility that you can choose differently next time. Then go do something healthy and distracting for yourself. Even if it's just eating an apple! Do anything positive!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
Shredder22 - I'm sorry that you felt the compulsion to look at your exABF's social media nonsense. Please know, we are all in this together, and it goes beyond "liking" or "not liking!" Sometimes we read a member's post and it's like that moment in the horror movie where you scream at the screen "No don't go in that basement!!" because we KNOW what's in the basement!
Getting beyond the need to be liked or the need to like is a difficult but necessary step in changing our codependent minds...it is super hard.
Be gentle with yourself - maybe jot down what you learned and next time you feel some sort of urge or compulsion to indulge in a behavior you know will hurt yourself, review what you wrote down, take some breaths, play the tape all the way through to the end and resist doing that thing that hurts you.
Each time you make a better choice, you are building up your new stronger healthier behavior, stronger muscle. Baby steps will still get you places. And believe me I know - I often have had to learn again, and again....and AGAIN the same lesson. When I am really stuck I realize I have to follow directions (therapy, AlAnon, etc.). And if I continue to find myself having to learn something yet again, then I have to admit I am not following my program, not following directions.....and I am hurting myself.
Try not to let a bad choice like looking at his FB to infect your whole day. Put it in a column, write it down, forgive yourself, allow for the possibility that you can choose differently next time. Then go do something healthy and distracting for yourself. Even if it's just eating an apple! Do anything positive!
The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Shredder...yeah, as Box just reminds us....this is definitely a place to take what you need...or what works, for you....and leave the rest...…
A forum, like this, is composed of so many different people...each, with their own ideas and styles.....not unlike the outside world....
To be honest, sometimes I tear my hair and shout at the computer screen...lol...
I soo get it, that you feelings were hurt.....and, you are very vulnerable, just now, I think.....I have been the same way, lots of times....it just frigging hurts and we cry...even if the content was, essentially correct.....
We are human, and we cry....
I am glad to hear that you are an empathetic person....that is an asset, in my opinion...(as long as we can be as empathetic to ourselves as we are of others...lol)…..
Try to let this dust settle....and do something kind to yourself, today....something self-soothing....
Tomorrow is a new day....and I hope you will feel a lot better....
A forum, like this, is composed of so many different people...each, with their own ideas and styles.....not unlike the outside world....
To be honest, sometimes I tear my hair and shout at the computer screen...lol...
I soo get it, that you feelings were hurt.....and, you are very vulnerable, just now, I think.....I have been the same way, lots of times....it just frigging hurts and we cry...even if the content was, essentially correct.....
We are human, and we cry....
I am glad to hear that you are an empathetic person....that is an asset, in my opinion...(as long as we can be as empathetic to ourselves as we are of others...lol)…..
Try to let this dust settle....and do something kind to yourself, today....something self-soothing....
Tomorrow is a new day....and I hope you will feel a lot better....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
I am sorry that you are struggling. I "stalked" my axh many times, something that I am not proud of. I did get hurt and it set my progress back, but eventually I grew out of it and you will too.
I know that sometimes people on this forum can be tough and it hurts to the core, but sometimes when people are always warm and fuzzy we don't learn. I hate tough love, but it works with addicts and with codies. The majority of the time I learn more from tough love then from kindness. I don't think anyone was trying to personally hurt you, I think they were just trying to "strongly" remind you that if you are working a program, that is not helping you. You knew you shouldn't be doing it, but you did it anyway. You admitted it and you got called out on it. Now you are hurt that you got scolded. Us codies sometimes need to put on our big girl pants, take the spanking and learn from our mistakes and try to better ourselves, not to do it again, because it always hurts.
Don't take it personally. We all need each others support and we should appreciate the diversity that we have on this forum. If we all were the stepford wives none of us would individually grow.
We love ya..... Sending big bear hugs to you!!
I am sorry that you are struggling. I "stalked" my axh many times, something that I am not proud of. I did get hurt and it set my progress back, but eventually I grew out of it and you will too.
I know that sometimes people on this forum can be tough and it hurts to the core, but sometimes when people are always warm and fuzzy we don't learn. I hate tough love, but it works with addicts and with codies. The majority of the time I learn more from tough love then from kindness. I don't think anyone was trying to personally hurt you, I think they were just trying to "strongly" remind you that if you are working a program, that is not helping you. You knew you shouldn't be doing it, but you did it anyway. You admitted it and you got called out on it. Now you are hurt that you got scolded. Us codies sometimes need to put on our big girl pants, take the spanking and learn from our mistakes and try to better ourselves, not to do it again, because it always hurts.
Don't take it personally. We all need each others support and we should appreciate the diversity that we have on this forum. If we all were the stepford wives none of us would individually grow.
We love ya..... Sending big bear hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
We are on your side and here for you Shredder. Sometimes stuff that is said is hard to take. I remember when I was first here in 2009 being shocked at some of the things people said to to me but they were right and people here have good hearts and they want you to be OK. With me most of my upset was my projection of how I saw myself. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Shredder,
I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.
It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.
Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.
It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.
Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Shredder22
Please don't get upset. Tomorrow is a new day. I peeped at my ex drunks fb on a friends phone it's still boring. However, it said in the past Single Interested in : women. It said that the whole year we were together as I hate fakebook I found that rude.
Now it says: Single
Interested in Women and Relationship.
Relationship w the bottle?
U had a decent thing going with me for a drunk to be pampered.
I did not comment I blocked. Could that be up there to upset me. I won't look again but man I hate him.
Now it says: Single
Interested in Women and Relationship.
Relationship w the bottle?
U had a decent thing going with me for a drunk to be pampered.
I did not comment I blocked. Could that be up there to upset me. I won't look again but man I hate him.
Take care of you x
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Hi thank you so much!
Originally Posted by Trinity7777
Shredder,
I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.
It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.
Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.
It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.
Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
Xoxo,
Shredder
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Shredder,
There is nothing easy about healing ourselves...but all the effort is worth it!
I hope that you are feeling a bit better now that you are a few days out from your "peeking" incident....yeah, we've all been there. *sigh*
Hang in there! S
There is nothing easy about healing ourselves...but all the effort is worth it!
I hope that you are feeling a bit better now that you are a few days out from your "peeking" incident....yeah, we've all been there. *sigh*
Hang in there! S
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So you creeped his social media.
And you learned from it.
Touch the fire, it’s going to burn EVERY time.
Here you are still searching for answers. Searching for validation, searching for something that says I matter/I mattered to you.
It’s wishful thinking hoping his social media status is intended for you. And sometimes it’s this wishful type thinking that keeps us stuck in a painful rut.
Fact of the matter, The alcoholic is trolling for his next enabler.
The active alcoholic loves booze, Booze only, unable to truly love others, unable to be a committed partner, unable to love and respect themselves.
People come into our lives sometimes to be an example and sometimes to be a horrible warning,
Acknowledge the life lesson, and keep pushing forward.
And you learned from it.
Touch the fire, it’s going to burn EVERY time.
Here you are still searching for answers. Searching for validation, searching for something that says I matter/I mattered to you.
It’s wishful thinking hoping his social media status is intended for you. And sometimes it’s this wishful type thinking that keeps us stuck in a painful rut.
Fact of the matter, The alcoholic is trolling for his next enabler.
The active alcoholic loves booze, Booze only, unable to truly love others, unable to be a committed partner, unable to love and respect themselves.
People come into our lives sometimes to be an example and sometimes to be a horrible warning,
Acknowledge the life lesson, and keep pushing forward.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Then it's all my fault and I'm the bully.
No one anywhere on this thread did anyone called you a bully. You however have written some extremely sarcastic/nasty titles to your response posts.
No one anywhere on this thread did anyone called you a bully. You however have written some extremely sarcastic/nasty titles to your response posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I really don't think continuing to talk about this will make anything better.
Schredder, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I had to block my XAH on FB as I did not want him affecting my life anymore. At first it was hard not to peek, but eventually it does get better.
Keep working on you! I think online forums are hard just like texting, you don't read anyone's body language and cannot see when someone is being nasty, or not. Sometimes things come out as unhelpful when they are not intended that way.
No one here wants you to leave. I do encourage EVERYONE to ignore anyone else not being helpful in their own recovery journey. However, this is an open forum and I hope you stick around and take what helps, and leave the rest.
May today be a good day!!
Schredder, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I had to block my XAH on FB as I did not want him affecting my life anymore. At first it was hard not to peek, but eventually it does get better.
Keep working on you! I think online forums are hard just like texting, you don't read anyone's body language and cannot see when someone is being nasty, or not. Sometimes things come out as unhelpful when they are not intended that way.
No one here wants you to leave. I do encourage EVERYONE to ignore anyone else not being helpful in their own recovery journey. However, this is an open forum and I hope you stick around and take what helps, and leave the rest.
May today be a good day!!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 84
I actually want this thread locked or closed
This was yesterday's stuff. I'm not mad at the poster never really was mad more hurt. Everyone is entitled to there opinion but today is a new day. So can we close this out as I would like to move on in a positive direction.
Shredder
Shredder
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