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Old 08-28-2018, 09:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shredder22 View Post
Are you trying to get me kicked off here? Those responses were bullying. I responded back with exactly my therapist would say. I was nice I'm not apathetic I'm empathetic. That clearly reeked of apathy. I hit the ignore button as suggested and if you are upset w me you can ignore me as well. Nobody knows our battles. People should be respected on here. Yes,
I'll get off my keyboard. Have a great day.
I'm sorry you feel this way Shredder. I was honestly trying to help, I've never bullied another member in all my years here & I'm not starting now. (and for the record - only you can get yourself kicked out of SR)

The advice to back away from the keyboard is given time & time again by our Mods when ANY member is feeling emotional. It's likely something your therapist would also agree with - I wasn't lashing out at you, I was trying to help you get some distance from something you perceived to be hurting you. That's it. I'm sorry you weren't receiving it that way.

I bumped an old thread that you might find helpful because it talks about all the differing expectations people have had about the support we give/receive on this forum. If not, no biggie.
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Old 08-28-2018, 09:50 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I thought we were all in this together or if someone doesn't like my post they can just ignore me.

Shredder22 - I'm sorry that you felt the compulsion to look at your exABF's social media nonsense. Please know, we are all in this together, and it goes beyond "liking" or "not liking!" Sometimes we read a member's post and it's like that moment in the horror movie where you scream at the screen "No don't go in that basement!!" because we KNOW what's in the basement!

Getting beyond the need to be liked or the need to like is a difficult but necessary step in changing our codependent minds...it is super hard.

Be gentle with yourself - maybe jot down what you learned and next time you feel some sort of urge or compulsion to indulge in a behavior you know will hurt yourself, review what you wrote down, take some breaths, play the tape all the way through to the end and resist doing that thing that hurts you.

Each time you make a better choice, you are building up your new stronger healthier behavior, stronger muscle. Baby steps will still get you places. And believe me I know - I often have had to learn again, and again....and AGAIN the same lesson. When I am really stuck I realize I have to follow directions (therapy, AlAnon, etc.). And if I continue to find myself having to learn something yet again, then I have to admit I am not following my program, not following directions.....and I am hurting myself.

Try not to let a bad choice like looking at his FB to infect your whole day. Put it in a column, write it down, forgive yourself, allow for the possibility that you can choose differently next time. Then go do something healthy and distracting for yourself. Even if it's just eating an apple! Do anything positive!

The past is gone. You are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.
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Old 08-28-2018, 09:57 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Shredder...yeah, as Box just reminds us....this is definitely a place to take what you need...or what works, for you....and leave the rest...…
A forum, like this, is composed of so many different people...each, with their own ideas and styles.....not unlike the outside world....
To be honest, sometimes I tear my hair and shout at the computer screen...lol...

I soo get it, that you feelings were hurt.....and, you are very vulnerable, just now, I think.....I have been the same way, lots of times....it just frigging hurts and we cry...even if the content was, essentially correct.....
We are human, and we cry....
I am glad to hear that you are an empathetic person....that is an asset, in my opinion...(as long as we can be as empathetic to ourselves as we are of others...lol)…..

Try to let this dust settle....and do something kind to yourself, today....something self-soothing....
Tomorrow is a new day....and I hope you will feel a lot better....
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Old 08-28-2018, 10:00 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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This probably won't help but I read that as "I peed on ex FB on the phone" - The visual made me laugh
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Old 08-28-2018, 02:17 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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S,
I am sorry that you are struggling. I "stalked" my axh many times, something that I am not proud of. I did get hurt and it set my progress back, but eventually I grew out of it and you will too.

I know that sometimes people on this forum can be tough and it hurts to the core, but sometimes when people are always warm and fuzzy we don't learn. I hate tough love, but it works with addicts and with codies. The majority of the time I learn more from tough love then from kindness. I don't think anyone was trying to personally hurt you, I think they were just trying to "strongly" remind you that if you are working a program, that is not helping you. You knew you shouldn't be doing it, but you did it anyway. You admitted it and you got called out on it. Now you are hurt that you got scolded. Us codies sometimes need to put on our big girl pants, take the spanking and learn from our mistakes and try to better ourselves, not to do it again, because it always hurts.

Don't take it personally. We all need each others support and we should appreciate the diversity that we have on this forum. If we all were the stepford wives none of us would individually grow.

We love ya..... Sending big bear hugs to you!!
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Old 08-28-2018, 03:33 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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We are on your side and here for you Shredder. Sometimes stuff that is said is hard to take. I remember when I was first here in 2009 being shocked at some of the things people said to to me but they were right and people here have good hearts and they want you to be OK. With me most of my upset was my projection of how I saw myself. Peace.
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Old 08-28-2018, 11:32 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Shredder,

I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.

It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.

Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
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Old 08-29-2018, 12:29 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Shredder22 View Post
Please don't get upset. Tomorrow is a new day. I peeped at my ex drunks fb on a friends phone it's still boring. However, it said in the past Single Interested in : women. It said that the whole year we were together as I hate fakebook I found that rude.
Now it says: Single
Interested in Women and Relationship.

Relationship w the bottle?
U had a decent thing going with me for a drunk to be pampered.

I did not comment I blocked. Could that be up there to upset me. I won't look again but man I hate him.
All you did here was out of curiosity look to see what's going on with your ex. Its normal to be curious. But its hurt you, and i think that person hurt you enough already. FB is famed for causing conflict and people often put stuff on there to wind others up/make others jealous/ envious etc. Its like " look at MY wonderful life " its Bull****. Whatever you saw doesnt mean its real..just words on a page.
Take care of you x
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Old 08-29-2018, 01:35 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hi thank you so much!

Originally Posted by Trinity7777 View Post
Shredder,

I was shocked by how insensitive some of the responses to you were too! I've been lurking here for over a year, and was starting to feel like maybe I would post my story, but that made me think twice. I know feeling attacked is the last thing I could handle when I'm feeling as low as we are right now, whether the intentions were good or not.

It's hard to be as sensitive as us empaths are, we feel things very deeply and are very aware of how our actions effect others. And we expect that others are aware of these things as well-- sadly that often isn't the case as I'm sure you've learned throughout life.

Don't feel like you can't be honest in your future posts because of a few negative responses. Some people have become desensitized and have forgotten how raw and traumatic it feels to be in the early stages of healing. But just as many of us are right there with you
The whole post just started out all wrong. I was slammed for using my friends phone and not believed. I was wrong for asking my friend if I could block him then came my favorite post. Yea, online support has been helpful but not that post. Then it's all my fault and I'm the bully. No, if I don't advocate for myself no 1 will. I was shocked and still am someone would write 2 sentences of raw, pure mean Ness. If my post disgusted that person so bad that they were going to be hurtful I have impulse control just don't say anything. Ok, I looked at a fb. The words used for me looking at a fb definitely didn't make my day. Thank you. Being an empath is hard but it will never go away just have to make sure I'm helping and caring about the right people including myself. I appreciate everyone who responded back on team shredder and I apologize to any posters that thought I was doing all the bullying. I stuck up for myself when it felt necessary. Today is a new day! Yesterday is history and tomorrow a mystery. I see my therapist today!!!!!!!! Let's see what she says. Be well all.
Xoxo,
Shredder
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Old 08-29-2018, 02:56 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hello Shredder,

There is nothing easy about healing ourselves...but all the effort is worth it!

I hope that you are feeling a bit better now that you are a few days out from your "peeking" incident....yeah, we've all been there. *sigh*

Hang in there! S
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Old 08-29-2018, 05:28 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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So you creeped his social media.

And you learned from it.

Touch the fire, it’s going to burn EVERY time.

Here you are still searching for answers. Searching for validation, searching for something that says I matter/I mattered to you.

It’s wishful thinking hoping his social media status is intended for you. And sometimes it’s this wishful type thinking that keeps us stuck in a painful rut.

Fact of the matter, The alcoholic is trolling for his next enabler.

The active alcoholic loves booze, Booze only, unable to truly love others, unable to be a committed partner, unable to love and respect themselves.

People come into our lives sometimes to be an example and sometimes to be a horrible warning,

Acknowledge the life lesson, and keep pushing forward.
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Old 08-29-2018, 06:43 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Then it's all my fault and I'm the bully.

No one anywhere on this thread did anyone called you a bully. You however have written some extremely sarcastic/nasty titles to your response posts.
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Old 08-29-2018, 07:52 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
Then it's all my fault and I'm the bully.

No one anywhere on this thread did anyone called you a bully. You however have written some extremely sarcastic/nasty titles to your response posts.
The ignore feature is always available. If I don't advocate for myself no 1 will. As you can see others were unhappy with how I was talked to as well. I guess the vets wants me off as I stuck up for myself. Anyone who doesn't like me doesn't have to respond or they can use the ignore feature. I do have friends on here I enjoy speaking with that I would never talk to in a non empathetic way. My responses are simply freedom of speech my first amendment, advocating for myself, and defending myself as it bothered me. I guess people that have 25+ years clean time and are healed don't remember the beginning. I also did say today is a new day and I apologized if anyone was offended by my responses. Why is this getting dragged into today? It hurt enough yesterday why are we dragging yesterday's news into today?
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Old 08-29-2018, 08:48 AM
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I really don't think continuing to talk about this will make anything better.

Schredder, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I had to block my XAH on FB as I did not want him affecting my life anymore. At first it was hard not to peek, but eventually it does get better.

Keep working on you! I think online forums are hard just like texting, you don't read anyone's body language and cannot see when someone is being nasty, or not. Sometimes things come out as unhelpful when they are not intended that way.

No one here wants you to leave. I do encourage EVERYONE to ignore anyone else not being helpful in their own recovery journey. However, this is an open forum and I hope you stick around and take what helps, and leave the rest.

May today be a good day!!
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:45 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I actually want this thread locked or closed

This was yesterday's stuff. I'm not mad at the poster never really was mad more hurt. Everyone is entitled to there opinion but today is a new day. So can we close this out as I would like to move on in a positive direction.
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