Originally Posted by jjwinters

Liz & Trailmix, that distinction makes a lot of sense to me. That's probably something that's led to a great deal of disappointment with many people throughout my life. Having this expectation that they meet my standards of what it means to be a friend, family member, girlfriend etc.

We had an argument yesterday and I made a point of clarifying that x, y, & z was a problem "for me." Instead of saying, here's the way you're supposed to behave. For example, having to drink every time we go somewhere or do something is a "problem for me." She was definitely more responsive to that.

Sounds like our experiences are shockingly similar, Liz. We set the bar so low you can walk over it. It's unbelievably frustrating but it's our fault for expecting someone who's a certain way to change. I'm finding out how absolutely true it is that you must accept and be happy with someone EXACTLY how they are if you want to have a successful relationship. Sure, some things will always bother us but fundamentally, I believe that to be true.

Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon

Hey JJ,

I would just caution you with trying to make it your or her "fault". For me, thinking about it in terms of who's to blame was really counterproductive. These situations are incredibly difficult. It's not your "fault" for having certain standards/values/beliefs, and it's not your "fault" for wanting to have a relationship with someone who has the same standards/values/beliefs. And it's also not your "fault" for dating your gf nor is it your "fault" for wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. You love this person; you want to believe that the things about them that you love are who they truly are. You can't beat yourself up over that. But, it's also not her "fault" for not living up to your expectations. It's just incompatibility.

Also, I think that people genuinely can change their behaviors to an extent in consideration of their significant other's feelings. I mean, we all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who considers our feelings. It's just that, if we've expressed to our partner that their behavior really bothers us and they've continued the behavior anyways, then we know what their priority is. And they have a right to make whatever they want a priority to them. And we have a right to choose to walk away from the relationship.

It's really hard to think like this when you're in the midst of an alcoholic relationship, because often the alcoholic will make you feel guilty about having the expectations that you do because they don't want to lose you, but also can't meet your expectations. My ex would tell me that I would never be able to find someone that would be able to meet my unreasonable standards, and it really did a number on my self-esteem. It took me getting to the point where I felt I'd rather never find anyone else and be alone than be in that relationship to get out of it.

In a healthy relationship, if two people are having a lot of these fights about basic behaviors or expectations, both partners would likely chose to go their separate ways and search for something that would be more fulfilling for both of them. But these codependent/alcoholic relationships are just super unhealthy. My point is just to caution you from making any extreme "rules" about relationships based off this one unhealthy relationship, and also to think about whether or not you want to continue putting so much effort into a relationship where you've already expressed your feelings about a major issue and have seen little to suggest that your partner cares about your feelings on the matter.

Wishing you the best!