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-   -   Damned if I do and damned if I donít. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/431657-damned-if-i-do-damned-if-i-don-t.html)

alwayscovering 08-25-2018 07:05 PM

Damned if I do and damned if I donít.
 
This isnít funny so Iím taking the fact that I find this amusing as further proof that I have snapped and gone insane.

Heís drinking. Of course he is...2 weeks is his limit.

Now heís mad because Iíve said nothing about it.

Sooooo he was mad and would scream and yell and degrade me when I would get upset because heís drinking and would call him on it.

AND

Now Heís mad because I donít care(at least I pretend I donít care -fake it til you make it) and have said nothing about the fact that heís drinking.

He kept trying to goad me into saying something about it and I refused to take the bait so he said ďI know you know Iíve been drinking!Ē I just looked up from my book and responded ďoh?Ē Then he stormed off. *giant eyeroll*

Of course I know. I wish I couldnít tell. Iíve been saying the serenity prayer under my breath for the last hour or so.

suki44883 08-25-2018 07:08 PM

They're just precious, aren't they?

kevlarsjal2 08-25-2018 07:15 PM

Iím sorry youíre in this situation. Iíve been in a relationship for two years in which I could never do anything right. Either I was too needy or too independent. Either I was taking my problems out on him / over using him for support or I was not open and honest enough about my feelings. When his abusive anger outbursts made me cry, it was my crying that was the problem and me being ďoverly emotionalĒ that caused his anger. When i learned to control my emotions around him and stayed calm during his outbursts, this was proof to him that I was manipulative and pushing his buttons so he would lose it and look like the mad one.
When I would try and make him take responsibility for his actions I was being too needy and trying to make him deal with my problems. When I said I no longer expect him to take any responsibility because I realised that this is not what he wants to do, I was putting myself on a high horse and guilt tripping him.

With some people you canít make it right because they keep making the wrong moves and then blaming their surroundings for it.

SparkleKitty 08-25-2018 07:20 PM

He's mad because he's drinking, not because of how you respond (or not) to it. I know how difficult it is to accept that he isn't drinking *at* you and to not take it personally, but you *can* find peace within yourself if you can accept that his drinking and his feelings about his drinking are entirely his, and about him, and not at all yours or about you.

dandylion 08-25-2018 07:32 PM

alwayscovering…..alcoholics who are not in recovery are very difficult to live with....especially, if they have spiraled very far along in their disease.....
Actually, even those in early recovery can be miserable to live with for the first year or two.....
And, of course, there are those with deep seated problems, in addition to the alcohol and those people may never make the necessary recovery or personality changes....

As things unfold, your path will become more clear, to you....

alwayscovering 08-25-2018 07:43 PM

Iím not upset. He didnít yell. Heís acting childish. Iím not going to engage. Iím playing on my phone and my youngest kidlet is playing Minecraft or some other crap I donít understand.

Oh god now heís telling me he going to be a cop. Yíall please pray I donít bust out laughing and **** him off.

maia1234 08-25-2018 09:37 PM

A,
Good for you for staying on your side of the street.

Before I was on my own, I would say the Serenity Prayer a million times a night. Now on my own, I rarely say it. Sending hugs and peace your way.

alwayscovering 08-25-2018 10:05 PM

Thanks. So before he passed out. He started getting aggravated but I guess he felt like he couldnít yell at me because I wouldnít engage? Idk so the truth is out. Heís ticked off because I spend too much time at al anon and reading self help books. He doesnít feel like he can ďconnectĒ with me. He doesnít know what I like anymore. Well that makes 2 of us. Iíve spent the last 6 years or so catering to him so i donít even know what I like anymore. I didnít say this of course. I wish I could tell him we donít do anything because heís always drinking. I donít want to hang out with him when heís like that. We make plans, he gets drunk so I go and do it alone. I feel like he chooses not to participate.

I still struggle with letting this crap go. Tomorrow he wonít remember it and Iíll Have to be over it too.

BoxinRotz 08-26-2018 05:43 AM

Alcoholism in its active stage is maddening.

BlownOne 08-26-2018 06:23 AM

We make plans, he gets drunk so I go and do it alone. I feel like he chooses not to participate.

He is choosing not to participate. He's choosing drinking over his family and responsibilities. That's what alcoholics do. I was exactly the same. And there was no changing me until the day my ex said I'm done and left. Best thing she could have done for herself, our kids, and as it turns out, me.

AnvilheadII 08-26-2018 07:06 AM

this part is difficult, but if YOU weren't there, and someone else was, they'd be getting the same crap. he needs an audience. why? that's the mystery...alcohol feeds an inflated sense of self importance, of being the Be All to End All. his drinking used to take all of your attention....even if it was negative, he still had an audience.

well done on not engaging. on just observing the insanity of it all. i love the random "going to be a cop" throw away. try to keep anything he say while under the influence with that same attitude.....just bloviating.

trailmix 08-26-2018 08:29 AM


Originally Posted by alwayscovering (Post 6994827)
I still struggle with letting this crap go. Tomorrow he won’t remember it and I’ll Have to be over it too.

It's not easy to detach - but you are making great progress, keep on keeping on.

Until you do you are at the mercy of his alcohol fuelled moods. You are still holding on to the rope (of the let go or be dragged variety).

alwayscovering 08-26-2018 09:53 AM


Originally Posted by AnvilheadII (Post 6995160)
this part is difficult, but if YOU weren't there, and someone else was, they'd be getting the same crap. he needs an audience. why? that's the mystery...alcohol feeds an inflated sense of self importance, of being the Be All to End All. his drinking used to take all of your attention....even if it was negative, he still had an audience.

well done on not engaging. on just observing the insanity of it all. i love the random "going to be a cop" throw away. try to keep anything he say while under the influence with that same attitude.....just bloviating.

Iíve been through polygraphs. (Communications officers go through the same thing)

His background and military service will definitely get him an interview but if he thinks he can BS his way through the psych evaluation and polygraph more power to him. Heís been saying that for awhile and if he had a good amount of recovery and some good coping skills for stress Iíd think heíd probably be okay. But in his current state itís both comical and sad.

AnvilheadII 08-26-2018 10:31 AM

ac, i think he has about as much INTENTION to actually follow THROUGH as i do to become an olympic gymnast. i'm 58 and a few stone overweight - ain't gonna happen. it's all just smack talk.....go to any bar at about 10am, and those there will talk the same kind of smack.....

maia1234 08-26-2018 10:45 AM

A,
My axh told me that alanon was the "nail" in the coffin for our marriage. He hated that people were influencing me and brain washing me "against" him. I had to lie to him where I was going so I didn't have to listen to his BS.

Keep doing what you are doing. Once they see that you are living a "happy" life they will wonder whats up. I used to smile, be happy, dress nicely, exercise and do everything to make myself look good. Either way, it didn't make a difference, after 34 years together, he choose alcohol and I chose my sanity.

We have been divorced almost 4 years and he is still a mess, me, not so much. Hang in there my friend!!

hopeful4 08-27-2018 12:24 PM

My XAH still loves to text me (I won't speak to him on the phone) when he gets drunk. It absolutely ENRAGES him that I won't engage. I would hate to be in the same house and hear it. Lucky for me, I don't have to be. I turn my phone on do not disturb and move on.

Keep doing what you are doing. Eventually he will wear himself out. But...he will continue drinking. So, what plan have you made for your own future?

alwayscovering 08-29-2018 06:36 AM


Originally Posted by hopeful4 (Post 6996403)
My XAH still loves to text me (I won't speak to him on the phone) when he gets drunk. It absolutely ENRAGES him that I won't engage. I would hate to be in the same house and hear it. Lucky for me, I don't have to be. I turn my phone on do not disturb and move on.

Keep doing what you are doing. Eventually he will wear himself out. But...he will continue drinking. So, what plan have you made for your own future?

I have picked up a second job so I can pay off all my debt (except student loans I'll never be done with those lol) I should have that done by the end of October. I'm going to work on paying down and then refinancing my car. I am getting some more safety certifications and working on getting my CSP so I can get a better paying job. With my current salary I could buy a small house for my son and I and be fine.

I guess that was a long winded way to say I'm getting my ducks in a row.

hopeful4 08-29-2018 07:57 AM

Good for you. Plans are good, we can put all the focus on making it happen. Keep posting, you are not alone!!

Big hugs!

Sasha1972 08-29-2018 08:27 AM


Originally Posted by alwayscovering (Post 6994758)
This isnít funny so Iím taking the fact that I find this amusing as further proof that I have snapped and gone insane.



He kept trying to goad me into saying something about it and I refused to take the bait so he said ďI know you know Iíve been drinking!Ē I just looked up from my book and responded ďoh?Ē Then he stormed off. *giant eyeroll*

Of course I know. I wish I couldnít tell. Iíve been saying the serenity prayer under my breath for the last hour or so.

"I know that you know that I've been drinking!"
"That's right, and now I know that you know that I know that you know that you've been drinking".

It could go on forever...

My experience is that alcoholics a) don't like it when you change "the rules" (spouse gets upset when I drink - so why is she now not getting upset?); b) think they know what is happening inside your mind because they don't have proper boundaries ("I KNOW what you're thinking, so why aren't you acknowledging it??").

It sounds like you are doing a great job at maintaining your calm.

trailmix 08-29-2018 04:44 PM


Originally Posted by Sasha1972 (Post 6998095)
My experience is that alcoholics a) don't like it when you change "the rules" (spouse gets upset when I drink - so why is she now not getting upset?)

Yes, darn, when you change the rules and won't play, who can be blamed!?!?


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