Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
 

This isn’t funny so I’m taking the fact that I find this amusing as further proof that I have snapped and gone insane.

He’s drinking. Of course he is...2 weeks is his limit.

Now he’s mad because I’ve said nothing about it.

Sooooo he was mad and would scream and yell and degrade me when I would get upset because he’s drinking and would call him on it.

AND

Now He’s mad because I don’t care(at least I pretend I don’t care -fake it til you make it) and have said nothing about the fact that he’s drinking.

He kept trying to goad me into saying something about it and I refused to take the bait so he said “I know you know I’ve been drinking!” I just looked up from my book and responded “oh?” Then he stormed off. *giant eyeroll*

Of course I know. I wish I couldn’t tell. I’ve been saying the serenity prayer under my breath for the last hour or so.

They're just precious, aren't they?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I’ve been in a relationship for two years in which I could never do anything right. Either I was too needy or too independent. Either I was taking my problems out on him / over using him for support or I was not open and honest enough about my feelings. When his abusive anger outbursts made me cry, it was my crying that was the problem and me being “overly emotional” that caused his anger. When i learned to control my emotions around him and stayed calm during his outbursts, this was proof to him that I was manipulative and pushing his buttons so he would lose it and look like the mad one.
When I would try and make him take responsibility for his actions I was being too needy and trying to make him deal with my problems. When I said I no longer expect him to take any responsibility because I realised that this is not what he wants to do, I was putting myself on a high horse and guilt tripping him.

With some people you can’t make it right because they keep making the wrong moves and then blaming their surroundings for it.

He's mad because he's drinking, not because of how you respond (or not) to it. I know how difficult it is to accept that he isn't drinking *at* you and to not take it personally, but you *can* find peace within yourself if you can accept that his drinking and his feelings about his drinking are entirely his, and about him, and not at all yours or about you.

alwayscovering…..alcoholics who are not in recovery are very difficult to live with....especially, if they have spiraled very far along in their disease.....
Actually, even those in early recovery can be miserable to live with for the first year or two.....
And, of course, there are those with deep seated problems, in addition to the alcohol and those people may never make the necessary recovery or personality changes....

As things unfold, your path will become more clear, to you....

I’m not upset. He didn’t yell. He’s acting childish. I’m not going to engage. I’m playing on my phone and my youngest kidlet is playing Minecraft or some other crap I don’t understand.

Oh god now he’s telling me he going to be a cop. Y’all please pray I don’t bust out laughing and **** him off.

A,
Good for you for staying on your side of the street.

Before I was on my own, I would say the Serenity Prayer a million times a night. Now on my own, I rarely say it. Sending hugs and peace your way.

Thanks. So before he passed out. He started getting aggravated but I guess he felt like he couldn’t yell at me because I wouldn’t engage? Idk so the truth is out. He’s ticked off because I spend too much time at al anon and reading self help books. He doesn’t feel like he can “connect” with me. He doesn’t know what I like anymore. Well that makes 2 of us. I’ve spent the last 6 years or so catering to him so i don’t even know what I like anymore. I didn’t say this of course. I wish I could tell him we don’t do anything because he’s always drinking. I don’t want to hang out with him when he’s like that. We make plans, he gets drunk so I go and do it alone. I feel like he chooses not to participate.

I still struggle with letting this crap go. Tomorrow he won’t remember it and I’ll Have to be over it too.

Alcoholism in its active stage is maddening.

We make plans, he gets drunk so I go and do it alone. I feel like he chooses not to participate.

He is choosing not to participate. He's choosing drinking over his family and responsibilities. That's what alcoholics do. I was exactly the same. And there was no changing me until the day my ex said I'm done and left. Best thing she could have done for herself, our kids, and as it turns out, me.

this part is difficult, but if YOU weren't there, and someone else was, they'd be getting the same crap. he needs an audience. why? that's the mystery...alcohol feeds an inflated sense of self importance, of being the Be All to End All. his drinking used to take all of your attention....even if it was negative, he still had an audience.

well done on not engaging. on just observing the insanity of it all. i love the random "going to be a cop" throw away. try to keep anything he say while under the influence with that same attitude.....just bloviating.

It's not easy to detach - but you are making great progress, keep on keeping on.

Until you do you are at the mercy of his alcohol fuelled moods. You are still holding on to the rope (of the let go or be dragged variety).

I’ve been through polygraphs. (Communications officers go through the same thing)

His background and military service will definitely get him an interview but if he thinks he can BS his way through the psych evaluation and polygraph more power to him. He’s been saying that for awhile and if he had a good amount of recovery and some good coping skills for stress I’d think he’d probably be okay. But in his current state it’s both comical and sad.

ac, i think he has about as much INTENTION to actually follow THROUGH as i do to become an olympic gymnast. i'm 58 and a few stone overweight - ain't gonna happen. it's all just smack talk.....go to any bar at about 10am, and those there will talk the same kind of smack.....

A,
My axh told me that alanon was the "nail" in the coffin for our marriage. He hated that people were influencing me and brain washing me "against" him. I had to lie to him where I was going so I didn't have to listen to his BS.

Keep doing what you are doing. Once they see that you are living a "happy" life they will wonder whats up. I used to smile, be happy, dress nicely, exercise and do everything to make myself look good. Either way, it didn't make a difference, after 34 years together, he choose alcohol and I chose my sanity.

We have been divorced almost 4 years and he is still a mess, me, not so much. Hang in there my friend!!

My XAH still loves to text me (I won't speak to him on the phone) when he gets drunk. It absolutely ENRAGES him that I won't engage. I would hate to be in the same house and hear it. Lucky for me, I don't have to be. I turn my phone on do not disturb and move on.

Keep doing what you are doing. Eventually he will wear himself out. But...he will continue drinking. So, what plan have you made for your own future?

I have picked up a second job so I can pay off all my debt (except student loans I'll never be done with those lol) I should have that done by the end of October. I'm going to work on paying down and then refinancing my car. I am getting some more safety certifications and working on getting my CSP so I can get a better paying job. With my current salary I could buy a small house for my son and I and be fine.

I guess that was a long winded way to say I'm getting my ducks in a row.

Good for you. Plans are good, we can put all the focus on making it happen. Keep posting, you are not alone!!

Big hugs!

"I know that you know that I've been drinking!"
"That's right, and now I know that you know that I know that you know that you've been drinking".

It could go on forever...

My experience is that alcoholics a) don't like it when you change "the rules" (spouse gets upset when I drink - so why is she now not getting upset?); b) think they know what is happening inside your mind because they don't have proper boundaries ("I KNOW what you're thinking, so why aren't you acknowledging it??").

It sounds like you are doing a great job at maintaining your calm.

Yes, darn, when you change the rules and won't play, who can be blamed!?!?