Hard to let go of a toxic relationship....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Hard to let go of a toxic relationship....
Hello all,
So this hasn’t happened overnight of course but I’ve been dating this guy officially for 8 months now. We have known each other for about 5 years and previously have casually dated but was nothing serious since we were both in school. I moved back to the same town eventually and he graduated college with an engineering degree. We re-connected and everything was going great. Sure, we would have our fights here and there but they were minor and we worked things out. I am not a big drinker. I drink occasionally and that may be twice a month max. I did realize he enjoyed drinking his beer so I thought that this was just a weekend deal. As I started to come around the house more, I realized it was more of an everyday deal. Not just two or three like I’ve seen.... but 5+ ... sometimes I counted 9 on a weekday. His entire family drinks which I’m sure doesn’t help the situation. At first, I thought he was drinking since his dad has had multiple heart surgeries and that he was stressed out over that. On top of saving money to buy his own house and adjusting to work life. I’ve been battling with this for awhile since I caught myself counting his drinks. I really do care about him and love him but I just don’t want to be the micromanaging/nagging girlfriend. Am I being sensitive about it and shouldn’t even worry? He rarely goes out and gets drunk but just drinks daily.... I just don’t want him to think I’m a judgmental person to leave him because of this. I have brought this topic up before and he has gotten defensive about it. Saying he doesn’t drink that much everyday or that it’s because I don’t drink so I see it as too much. I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
Any advice is greatly appreciated
So this hasn’t happened overnight of course but I’ve been dating this guy officially for 8 months now. We have known each other for about 5 years and previously have casually dated but was nothing serious since we were both in school. I moved back to the same town eventually and he graduated college with an engineering degree. We re-connected and everything was going great. Sure, we would have our fights here and there but they were minor and we worked things out. I am not a big drinker. I drink occasionally and that may be twice a month max. I did realize he enjoyed drinking his beer so I thought that this was just a weekend deal. As I started to come around the house more, I realized it was more of an everyday deal. Not just two or three like I’ve seen.... but 5+ ... sometimes I counted 9 on a weekday. His entire family drinks which I’m sure doesn’t help the situation. At first, I thought he was drinking since his dad has had multiple heart surgeries and that he was stressed out over that. On top of saving money to buy his own house and adjusting to work life. I’ve been battling with this for awhile since I caught myself counting his drinks. I really do care about him and love him but I just don’t want to be the micromanaging/nagging girlfriend. Am I being sensitive about it and shouldn’t even worry? He rarely goes out and gets drunk but just drinks daily.... I just don’t want him to think I’m a judgmental person to leave him because of this. I have brought this topic up before and he has gotten defensive about it. Saying he doesn’t drink that much everyday or that it’s because I don’t drink so I see it as too much. I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, humble, and let me be the first to congratulate you on your wisdom in making a timely exit from a relationship you know in your heart is not right.
You are in the right place--we understand where you are and how things are. Where you differ from so many of us here is that you are able to recognize an unhealthy relationship and make the decision to move on. Many of us here spent years or even decades of our lives before coming to this conclusion!
I hope you can take some time and read around this forum, as well as checking into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll answer a lot of your own questions and see echoes of your situation in many posts.
Let me assure you, you are doing the right thing. No doubt whatsoever.
You are in the right place--we understand where you are and how things are. Where you differ from so many of us here is that you are able to recognize an unhealthy relationship and make the decision to move on. Many of us here spent years or even decades of our lives before coming to this conclusion!
I hope you can take some time and read around this forum, as well as checking into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll answer a lot of your own questions and see echoes of your situation in many posts.
Let me assure you, you are doing the right thing. No doubt whatsoever.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 26
Hi I also saw what u saw in your relationship the drinking every night.
My Ah ex use to go out aswell.
And like you I counted the drink and thought at points what am I even doing counting them ! I drove myself mad I moaned, I ignored and got exactly the same response you received, I drink a lot to only you !!!!
! Erm trust me when I go out I can drink but very rarely feel the need to get drunk as I hate hang overs 🤷🏽*♀️
I stayed for 2 years couldn’t bare it anymore what life is it watching them drink every night, the drunken chat omg I don’t miss that !!
The passing out the cans the bottles the washing his clothes because the red wine he had spilt over himself because he couldn’t stand !!
The hangover days were he was down depressed and it was me that had to make him feel better !! What about me !!? What about how I am feeling ???
Yes it’s so hard letting go when there not drinking there perfect funny loving caring.
I feel for you it’s hard to let go of someone you love but it’s harder to stay and watch them love alcohol more then you hugs xxx
My Ah ex use to go out aswell.
And like you I counted the drink and thought at points what am I even doing counting them ! I drove myself mad I moaned, I ignored and got exactly the same response you received, I drink a lot to only you !!!!
! Erm trust me when I go out I can drink but very rarely feel the need to get drunk as I hate hang overs 🤷🏽*♀️
I stayed for 2 years couldn’t bare it anymore what life is it watching them drink every night, the drunken chat omg I don’t miss that !!
The passing out the cans the bottles the washing his clothes because the red wine he had spilt over himself because he couldn’t stand !!
The hangover days were he was down depressed and it was me that had to make him feel better !! What about me !!? What about how I am feeling ???
Yes it’s so hard letting go when there not drinking there perfect funny loving caring.
I feel for you it’s hard to let go of someone you love but it’s harder to stay and watch them love alcohol more then you hugs xxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Take the daily consumption of alcohol out of the break up equation and you would still have mixed emotions and doubts about ending a relationship, I think everyone does.
Now add in the daily consumption of alcohol and you saw a red flag, something did not sit well with you and you listened to your instincts, that is great!!!
This is what “dating” is all about, to see if someone is compatible for you in
your life where there is no stress or anxiety or worry involved. And when we see those red flags, especially the big ones like excessive drinking or drugs it’s time to stop dating them. You made the right decision for yourself.
Now add in the daily consumption of alcohol and you saw a red flag, something did not sit well with you and you listened to your instincts, that is great!!!
This is what “dating” is all about, to see if someone is compatible for you in
your life where there is no stress or anxiety or worry involved. And when we see those red flags, especially the big ones like excessive drinking or drugs it’s time to stop dating them. You made the right decision for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by humble1993 
Am I being sensitive about it and shouldn’t even worry?
You have the problem with his drinking. That is fine, you don't have to like it. You can't control it though so really that only leaves you two options, accept it or move away from it, which you have chosen to do.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you will take time to read and post in other threads as well, lots of wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by dandylion
humble...did you really expect leaving the relationship to be pain free? This is a serious question...…
What were your expectations...….?
What were your expectations...….?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
humble.....I don't know how many other relationships that you have been in, of course....but, any relationship that we invest a part of ourselves into...especially our future hopes and dreams....hurts like *ell......Doesn't even matter if the relationship was a good match, , or not....the pain feels the same....
That just seems that is the way we humans are put together....
sometimes, in life, the right decision and the hardest decision are the same thing....
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain".
As you describe it...I have a suspicion that, down deep, he knows that alcohol is an issue with him.....and he feels that he can't or doesn't want to contemplate giving it up....
If I am correct, that is a big red sign that your decision to exit the relationship is the right one....because, to continue it with someone who is on the path of alcoholism is bound to give you a future with a lot of pain in it....the kind of pain that you can't solve or resolve....
By the way....just so that you know...it takes more than JUST visiting a counselor to deal with alcoholism...it also takes a program and a life long life style that keeps sobriety as the top priority...for life.....
I suggest that you learn all you can about alcoholism, now...not to try to change him...but, so you will know about what it really is, when you meet up with it, in the future. Trust me...you will meet lots of people who have issues with alcohol.....
I suggest that you read the following book...as it has the latest research on this issue.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar……..you can get a cheaper version on amazon.com
While you are here, on the forum.....Please read the more than 100 articles, in our extensive library (also called the "stickies")..on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
Here is a handy link....
That just seems that is the way we humans are put together....
sometimes, in life, the right decision and the hardest decision are the same thing....
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain".
As you describe it...I have a suspicion that, down deep, he knows that alcohol is an issue with him.....and he feels that he can't or doesn't want to contemplate giving it up....
If I am correct, that is a big red sign that your decision to exit the relationship is the right one....because, to continue it with someone who is on the path of alcoholism is bound to give you a future with a lot of pain in it....the kind of pain that you can't solve or resolve....
By the way....just so that you know...it takes more than JUST visiting a counselor to deal with alcoholism...it also takes a program and a life long life style that keeps sobriety as the top priority...for life.....
I suggest that you learn all you can about alcoholism, now...not to try to change him...but, so you will know about what it really is, when you meet up with it, in the future. Trust me...you will meet lots of people who have issues with alcohol.....
I suggest that you read the following book...as it has the latest research on this issue.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar……..you can get a cheaper version on amazon.com
While you are here, on the forum.....Please read the more than 100 articles, in our extensive library (also called the "stickies")..on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
Here is a handy link....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by dandylion
humble.....I don't know how many other relationships that you have been in, of course....but, any relationship that we invest a part of ourselves into...especially our future hopes and dreams....hurts like *ell......Doesn't even matter if the relationship was a good match, , or not....the pain feels the same....
That just seems that is the way we humans are put together....
sometimes, in life, the right decision and the hardest decision are the same thing....
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain".
As you describe it...I have a suspicion that, down deep, he knows that alcohol is an issue with him.....and he feels that he can't or doesn't want to contemplate giving it up....
If I am correct, that is a big red sign that your decision to exit the relationship is the right one....because, to continue it with someone who is on the path of alcoholism is bound to give you a future with a lot of pain in it....the kind of pain that you can't solve or resolve....
By the way....just so that you know...it takes more than JUST visiting a counselor to deal with alcoholism...it also takes a program and a life long life style that keeps sobriety as the top priority...for life.....
I suggest that you learn all you can about alcoholism, now...not to try to change him...but, so you will know about what it really is, when you meet up with it, in the future. Trust me...you will meet lots of people who have issues with alcohol.....
I suggest that you read the following book...as it has the latest research on this issue.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar……..you can get a cheaper version on amazon.com
While you are here, on the forum.....Please read the more than 100 articles, in our extensive library (also called the "stickies")..on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
Here is a handy link....
That just seems that is the way we humans are put together....
sometimes, in life, the right decision and the hardest decision are the same thing....
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain".
As you describe it...I have a suspicion that, down deep, he knows that alcohol is an issue with him.....and he feels that he can't or doesn't want to contemplate giving it up....
If I am correct, that is a big red sign that your decision to exit the relationship is the right one....because, to continue it with someone who is on the path of alcoholism is bound to give you a future with a lot of pain in it....the kind of pain that you can't solve or resolve....
By the way....just so that you know...it takes more than JUST visiting a counselor to deal with alcoholism...it also takes a program and a life long life style that keeps sobriety as the top priority...for life.....
I suggest that you learn all you can about alcoholism, now...not to try to change him...but, so you will know about what it really is, when you meet up with it, in the future. Trust me...you will meet lots of people who have issues with alcohol.....
I suggest that you read the following book...as it has the latest research on this issue.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar……..you can get a cheaper version on amazon.com
While you are here, on the forum.....Please read the more than 100 articles, in our extensive library (also called the "stickies")..on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
Here is a handy link....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by xoxAngelxox
Hi I also saw what u saw in your relationship the drinking every night.
My Ah ex use to go out aswell.
And like you I counted the drink and thought at points what am I even doing counting them ! I drove myself mad I moaned, I ignored and got exactly the same response you received, I drink a lot to only you !!!!
! Erm trust me when I go out I can drink but very rarely feel the need to get drunk as I hate hang overs 🤷🏽*♀️
I stayed for 2 years couldn’t bare it anymore what life is it watching them drink every night, the drunken chat omg I don’t miss that !!
The passing out the cans the bottles the washing his clothes because the red wine he had spilt over himself because he couldn’t stand !!
The hangover days were he was down depressed and it was me that had to make him feel better !! What about me !!? What about how I am feeling ???
Yes it’s so hard letting go when there not drinking there perfect funny loving caring.
I feel for you it’s hard to let go of someone you love but it’s harder to stay and watch them love alcohol more then you hugs xxx
My Ah ex use to go out aswell.
And like you I counted the drink and thought at points what am I even doing counting them ! I drove myself mad I moaned, I ignored and got exactly the same response you received, I drink a lot to only you !!!!
! Erm trust me when I go out I can drink but very rarely feel the need to get drunk as I hate hang overs 🤷🏽*♀️
I stayed for 2 years couldn’t bare it anymore what life is it watching them drink every night, the drunken chat omg I don’t miss that !!
The passing out the cans the bottles the washing his clothes because the red wine he had spilt over himself because he couldn’t stand !!
The hangover days were he was down depressed and it was me that had to make him feel better !! What about me !!? What about how I am feeling ???
Yes it’s so hard letting go when there not drinking there perfect funny loving caring.
I feel for you it’s hard to let go of someone you love but it’s harder to stay and watch them love alcohol more then you hugs xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by honeypig
Welcome to SR, humble, and let me be the first to congratulate you on your wisdom in making a timely exit from a relationship you know in your heart is not right.
You are in the right place--we understand where you are and how things are. Where you differ from so many of us here is that you are able to recognize an unhealthy relationship and make the decision to move on. Many of us here spent years or even decades of our lives before coming to this conclusion!
I hope you can take some time and read around this forum, as well as checking into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll answer a lot of your own questions and see echoes of your situation in many posts.
Let me assure you, you are doing the right thing. No doubt whatsoever.
You are in the right place--we understand where you are and how things are. Where you differ from so many of us here is that you are able to recognize an unhealthy relationship and make the decision to move on. Many of us here spent years or even decades of our lives before coming to this conclusion!
I hope you can take some time and read around this forum, as well as checking into the "stickies" at the top of the page. I think you'll answer a lot of your own questions and see echoes of your situation in many posts.
Let me assure you, you are doing the right thing. No doubt whatsoever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by atalose
Take the daily consumption of alcohol out of the break up equation and you would still have mixed emotions and doubts about ending a relationship, I think everyone does.
Now add in the daily consumption of alcohol and you saw a red flag, something did not sit well with you and you listened to your instincts, that is great!!!
This is what “dating” is all about, to see if someone is compatible for you in
your life where there is no stress or anxiety or worry involved. And when we see those red flags, especially the big ones like excessive drinking or drugs it’s time to stop dating them. You made the right decision for yourself.
Now add in the daily consumption of alcohol and you saw a red flag, something did not sit well with you and you listened to your instincts, that is great!!!
This is what “dating” is all about, to see if someone is compatible for you in
your life where there is no stress or anxiety or worry involved. And when we see those red flags, especially the big ones like excessive drinking or drugs it’s time to stop dating them. You made the right decision for yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 26
I never realised this u till you said it the push and pull why do they do this you feel you’ve done something wrong then next minute there all nice to you again is this the drinking that makes them like this ???? QUOTE=AnvilheadII;6992710]I told him we needed to go our separate ways for now and all he said was that he understands. I’m so torn about the situation and feel like the bad person in this.
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.[/QUOTE]
is it possible you feel "bad" because he took it so well?? that he didn't immediately say, that's it i'm off to rehab FOR YOU?
when we are involved with someone in addiction, we get a lot of
Come Here, now Go Away - Hide n Seek
it becomes a game almost, but a dangerous one, because we find ourselves chasing after the Good Guy, the person we thought we saw and want to make re-appear.
similar to how addicts are always chasing that first high.[/QUOTE]
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 26
My ex said he would cut back 3 days it lasted then back to the norm he won’t change they just can’t his had 2 failed relationships after me both there fault obviously never his they are blind sided and like yours mine was on breaking up too we still talk he still drinks 3 years down the line.
His not changed at all drinking has got worse if anything it hurts because you want them to stop because you love them they only love alcohol keep strong xx
His not changed at all drinking has got worse if anything it hurts because you want them to stop because you love them they only love alcohol keep strong xx
Originally Posted by humble1993
Thank you for sharing your story which is similar to mine. I’ve just felt like it will always be the alcohol over me. Even if he did try to cut back it still wouldn’t be just the weekends to drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
H,
Yes, it hurts when our addicts choose alcohol over us. What you need to understand is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.... so its not his problem to fix, it is yours.
You threatened to end it and he said... ok. Then you need to follow through with what you said. Our addicts are so used to this that they don't even care. Do what you need to do. Speaking from someone who threatened for 34 years, it doesn't work. I have read here that and "addict would step over a dead body to get a drink".
I would say don't walk, run away from this man. Let him get his shxt together and you take care of you. If your relationship was meant to be it will. Hugs
Yes, it hurts when our addicts choose alcohol over us. What you need to understand is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.... so its not his problem to fix, it is yours.
You threatened to end it and he said... ok. Then you need to follow through with what you said. Our addicts are so used to this that they don't even care. Do what you need to do. Speaking from someone who threatened for 34 years, it doesn't work. I have read here that and "addict would step over a dead body to get a drink".
I would say don't walk, run away from this man. Let him get his shxt together and you take care of you. If your relationship was meant to be it will. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by maia1234
H,
Yes, it hurts when our addicts choose alcohol over us. What you need to understand is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.... so its not his problem to fix, it is yours.
You threatened to end it and he said... ok. Then you need to follow through with what you said. Our addicts are so used to this that they don't even care. Do what you need to do. Speaking from someone who threatened for 34 years, it doesn't work. I have read here that and "addict would step over a dead body to get a drink".
I would say don't walk, run away from this man. Let him get his shxt together and you take care of you. If your relationship was meant to be it will. Hugs
Yes, it hurts when our addicts choose alcohol over us. What you need to understand is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.... so its not his problem to fix, it is yours.
You threatened to end it and he said... ok. Then you need to follow through with what you said. Our addicts are so used to this that they don't even care. Do what you need to do. Speaking from someone who threatened for 34 years, it doesn't work. I have read here that and "addict would step over a dead body to get a drink".
I would say don't walk, run away from this man. Let him get his shxt together and you take care of you. If your relationship was meant to be it will. Hugs
If I had stayed, I would just be as guilty for enabling the addiction and not speaking up.
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