humble1993

When we first became friends he mentioned getting a DUI before. This was in his early college years so I thought by 27 he would have learned from his mistakes. It just hurts knowing I can’t do anything about it and that his parents aren’t going to be around when shxt hits rock bottom for him.

xoxAngelxox

I’m surprised my ex hasn’t got a DUI he drives with his son in the van and the amount he drinks at the weekend it’s still on his system on the Monday it’s terrobke but no it is the hardest thing knowing you cannot help them and if you stay your only be dragged down with them.
I’ve read so many posts were ladies are suffering with depression due to the situation they are in with AH I have 2 daughters and grandchildren I’m not putting myself through this rollercoaster ride because it will be me that sufferers he will be happy as long as he has his drink and things are going his way.
Why would I want this back on my life I don’t I’ve walked away.
Sitting here now knowing his been on a drinking session all weekend and I know today he will be feeling terrible.
The good thing is I’m up and I feel good and i don’t have to babysit him all day while his depressed my life now and I have to start living it for me QUOTE=humble1993;6995635]When we first became friends he mentioned getting a DUI before. This was in his early college years so I thought by 27 he would have learned from his mistakes. It just hurts knowing I can’t do anything about it and that his parents aren’t going to be around when shxt hits rock bottom for him.[/QUOTE]

maia1234

H,
I am not sure why you need to tell him to get help. Don't you think that he knows that. I would say it's just not working out and I am moving on. Sometimes silence is better then the "speech" again.

hugs!!

humble1993

No, I’m pretty sure he is oblivious to the problem and thinks I’m just being nit picky towards him. The fact that the doctor put him on blood pressure meds probably doesn’t even bother him. I’ve given up talking to him. That’s why I had to call it quits

trailmix

And how are you doing now humble? Have you attended Al-Anon at all or any other support groups? Do you have friends or family that actually understand addiction that you can talk to as well?

pdm22

^Im not the one who posted that, but I think I have a good idea what that’s all about. Underneath it all, the push/ pull dynamic has to do with issues with attachments/bonding, intimacy and abandonment. Usually the pusher and the puller both do. So if someone is being all nice and it seems like they are connecting with you, but they have a fear of intimacy, they might then pull back/ withdraw/ “ghost” you. And if the person on the receiving end has issues with abandonment, they will feel triggered, abandoned and confused, and try to figure out what they did “wrong”, and then try to pull the person back into what seemed like a real connection.

And when they sense you are now the one pulling away, then here they come!

The alcohol just adds another whole layer of dysfunction and craziness into the cycle/ mix.

atalose

Toxic relationships can force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. Many toxic people are not cruel or uncaring people, they are just toxic to our own well being. They have needs and live a way in this world that we do not. Doesn’t mean they are inherently bad people, they just are not the right people for us.

I think you took a quick stand for your well being by ending it. To many people hang on attempting to mold, change and fix the other person into how they wish for them to be and act. They hold out hope for the “potential” rather than accepting, like you did, that this is how and who the person is.

Something I saw here in one of the threads, not sure which one but the poster said something along the lines of…….Bad relationships are like cancer, you can get over them and survive but the experience will stay with you forever.

humble1993

I’ve talked to a few friends about it but haven’t been to any meetings. I would like to go to a meeting just to understand more but I have been feeling down about the whole situation. I have been trying to keep busy with work and other things to keep my mind off of it.

humble1993

Yes, I think the alcohol does add into the craziness of it all! Few times when he did get drunk he would always ask “how long do you plan on staying with me” I just thought it was odd that he asked that bc he was not verbally or physically abusing me etc.... I didn’t think of it until now but he was really fearful of entering another relationship even when we had been friends/went on dates for awhile. His last serious relationship was in highschool so about 10 years ago..... I thought that would be behind him now. Seems like the whole abandonment thing will always be with him.

humble1993

For the longest time I had hope and wanted to wait for change. I thought he really would cut back like he said he would. 5 months later nothing has changed. I guess I should have left back in March. Maybe bc I had stayed he did not think that the drinking really did bother me after all. I remember him telling me “it seems like you are trying to change me more than I try to change you. I try not to ask you to change for what I exactly want in a girl”
I think we both just deserve to be with someone with the same values and what we want out of life. I do want him to be happy and find that right person that won’t nag him about the alcohol and I’m sure he wants the same but did not want to break up with me.

2018LizAnon

Humble,

It's interesting that your bf has these "abandonment" issues from a high school relationship that was 10 years ago. My ex gave me a "woe is me" story about his previous relationships. One girl cheated on him, one girl was really controlling, one girl was really condescending, etc. At the time, I felt so sorry for him. How could such a sweet and emotional guy be taken advantage of by these crazy women? And now I'm sure he's added me to that list of crazy exes. But there's only one thing in common here, you know? I'd say if he's had trouble with relationships or hasn't had relationships for 10 years, it's more likely because of alcohol issues and not abandonment issues. I just think acting so emotionally wounded about past relationships can be a tactic to suck you in. And those of us who have codependent tendencies are easy targets.

Also, the line that he fed you about you trying to change him but him not trying to change you is just deja vu too. My ex would say similar things. And I would think, "Well jeez, I'm such a horrible, critical person, and he never really does try to change me, what is wrong with me?" Again, it's just another manipulation. The reason he never criticized me is because I was basically his mother, girlfriend, maid, and counselor for 2 years. But, when I started calling him out for the drinking, you better believe he criticized and insulted me, my family, my work, etc.

Just giving you some perspective here that all these things your bf is saying/doing seem pretty much standard alcoholic manipulation. I spent months and months trying to figure out why my ex said and did what he said and did. That was a huge waste of time that I can't get back.

humble1993

Thank you for sharing your story which happens to be similar to mine. I think he has dated a few other girls after that highschool relationship but it sounded as if they did not last very long. He did not really seem to want to share about it and did not really ask about my exes so I just kept quiet. Now I am wondering if alcohol was the reason why his other relationships were not very long... we did get into arguments from time to time about my faults and I did change. I wanted to be a better person. He asked me to not cuss since it wasn’t lady like and what would my future kids think if they heard that. So I said what would yours think about you drinking a lot and also vaping????? He responded with “I have cut back and oh because I’m vaping to try and quit tobacco” I think I just reached my breaking point having to hear him spending money on taking me out to eat was cutting into his savings for his first home... but oh he sure can afford to go through cases of beer and juul pods each week.
Then his parents getting drunk and having minor arguments in front of me. Just so hard for me to relate to since I did not grow up around alcohol. It is just a social thing for me and not a “have to” on the daily.