about alcohol test strips
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
about alcohol test strips
Yesterday afternoon I suspected my AH had been drinking after a 2 month stint in rehab. But I cannot be sure. I feel like I really need to know, because I need to know if he just acts this moody and out of it when sober.
He was driving us somewhere and his driving was just off. He was bitching and moaning (a lot) about a situation he's really upset and angry about. He did some clumsy things and blamed it all on being extremely angry (over something I feel like he should've known would not be within his control--he is taking it personally and making himself a victim).
I want him to take an alcohol test. I wish I could've had him do one last night because I really need to know if this kind of behavior can in fact be sober behavior for him. It really alarmed me and every single last one of my trust problems with him flared up, and I almost left the movie he had invited me to. Are strips sold anywhere, and am I crazy for wanting him to prove he hasn't relapsed? He repeated several times that he was just angry.
He was driving us somewhere and his driving was just off. He was bitching and moaning (a lot) about a situation he's really upset and angry about. He did some clumsy things and blamed it all on being extremely angry (over something I feel like he should've known would not be within his control--he is taking it personally and making himself a victim).
I want him to take an alcohol test. I wish I could've had him do one last night because I really need to know if this kind of behavior can in fact be sober behavior for him. It really alarmed me and every single last one of my trust problems with him flared up, and I almost left the movie he had invited me to. Are strips sold anywhere, and am I crazy for wanting him to prove he hasn't relapsed? He repeated several times that he was just angry.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Early sobriety is really difficult. Emotions are raw and uncontrollable for quite some time.
If you try to set yourself up as the Sober Police by way of trying test him, it's going to do nothing but build more resentment and add more strife.
If you are in doubt, I'd say one thing for sure - don't ride with him when he's driving.
The "proof" of his drinking (if he is drinking) will become apparent soon enough.
Rehab doesn't necessarily fix people. It takes time, and it's equally as hard on the loved ones. Are you getting any support or therapy for yourself? That is a good place to start.
If you try to set yourself up as the Sober Police by way of trying test him, it's going to do nothing but build more resentment and add more strife.
If you are in doubt, I'd say one thing for sure - don't ride with him when he's driving.
The "proof" of his drinking (if he is drinking) will become apparent soon enough.
Rehab doesn't necessarily fix people. It takes time, and it's equally as hard on the loved ones. Are you getting any support or therapy for yourself? That is a good place to start.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Does it matter really? His behavior is his behavior, you won't change that. Yes, you can buy that stuff anywhere. I usto do that. Looking back, I see that I should have just said, your behavior stinks, so this is what I am going to do about it for ME.
Sending you strength.
Sending you strength.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
It was my experience, that when I thought my AXH had been drinking, I was always right. No matter how much he protested.
My advise is to trust your instincts.... and also to erect and enforce boundaries, whatever those look like to you.
What would you do if you had "proof" ?
My advise is to trust your instincts.... and also to erect and enforce boundaries, whatever those look like to you.
What would you do if you had "proof" ?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If he is behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you, does it really matter if it is drinking-based or not?
I agree with bimini that this will only create a problematic dynamic. It's possible that this is sober him. It's also possible this will pass with more sober time under his belt. And it's possible that yes, he is drinking.
None of those possibilities preclude you from taking care of yourself in the moment when he is behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you.
I agree with bimini that this will only create a problematic dynamic. It's possible that this is sober him. It's also possible this will pass with more sober time under his belt. And it's possible that yes, he is drinking.
None of those possibilities preclude you from taking care of yourself in the moment when he is behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
It was my experience, that when I thought my AXH had been drinking, I was always right. No matter how much he protested.
My advise is to trust your instincts.... and also to erect and enforce boundaries, whatever those look like to you.
What would you do if you had "proof" ?
My advise is to trust your instincts.... and also to erect and enforce boundaries, whatever those look like to you.
What would you do if you had "proof" ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are going through this.
In my experience, if my gut instinct is that something is off, it generally is.
If you get into testing him it just starts a big old dysfunctional game which will be exhausting and frustrating. It also buys into the insanity of the situation.
I encourage you to decide what is acceptable to you and what is not, then take it from there.
In my experience, if my gut instinct is that something is off, it generally is.
If you get into testing him it just starts a big old dysfunctional game which will be exhausting and frustrating. It also buys into the insanity of the situation.
I encourage you to decide what is acceptable to you and what is not, then take it from there.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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clarity.....in my case, when my alcoholic (adult son) had been drinking....I could tell it...every single time! lol...of course, he denied it every single time.
In fact, I could even tell if he was WANTING to drink....because he would become very irritable and try to pick a fight...so as to have an excuse to go drink....(he was not allowed to drink or be drunk when staying in my house)….
I don't remember how long your husband has been out of rehab...but, he may have gone back to "sipping".....
It is likely, if he is drinking on the side...that his behavior will become more obvious.....and, you probably won't have to wait too much longer.....
You could give him the reality feedback that his particular behavior sucked...and tell him you boundary...that you do not want to be around him if he is behaving like an arse…….You can tell him..."I don't know what got into you, but I sure don't like it".....
If he is drinking...he will dig his own hole...because, that alcoholic voice, in his head, will be screaming at him 24/7. That is the nature of alcoholism.....a constant battle, inside of h is head...even when he looks normal, on th e outside.....
Just out of rehab, he needs tons and tons of support...from his program and h is sponsor and his counselor.....I sure hope that he is working a program.....
Clarity....I totally...totally, get how upset you are.....If the future of your marriage hinges on his sobriety.....a relapse signals that the whole thing is in danger....and, t hat can take a once hopeful heart and slam it to the bottom of the ocean...…
You are naturally, wanting to k now the whole truth this very minute....but, you won't get the truth without, probably, an enormous fight....or resentment toward you...and, more skill in hiding it...if he is truly drinking, again.....
Have you made a plan for how you would deal with a relapse, on his part....? did the two of you ever talk together, about what the plan would be if he should relapse?.....
In fact, I could even tell if he was WANTING to drink....because he would become very irritable and try to pick a fight...so as to have an excuse to go drink....(he was not allowed to drink or be drunk when staying in my house)….
I don't remember how long your husband has been out of rehab...but, he may have gone back to "sipping".....
It is likely, if he is drinking on the side...that his behavior will become more obvious.....and, you probably won't have to wait too much longer.....
You could give him the reality feedback that his particular behavior sucked...and tell him you boundary...that you do not want to be around him if he is behaving like an arse…….You can tell him..."I don't know what got into you, but I sure don't like it".....
If he is drinking...he will dig his own hole...because, that alcoholic voice, in his head, will be screaming at him 24/7. That is the nature of alcoholism.....a constant battle, inside of h is head...even when he looks normal, on th e outside.....
Just out of rehab, he needs tons and tons of support...from his program and h is sponsor and his counselor.....I sure hope that he is working a program.....
Clarity....I totally...totally, get how upset you are.....If the future of your marriage hinges on his sobriety.....a relapse signals that the whole thing is in danger....and, t hat can take a once hopeful heart and slam it to the bottom of the ocean...…
You are naturally, wanting to k now the whole truth this very minute....but, you won't get the truth without, probably, an enormous fight....or resentment toward you...and, more skill in hiding it...if he is truly drinking, again.....
Have you made a plan for how you would deal with a relapse, on his part....? did the two of you ever talk together, about what the plan would be if he should relapse?.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thank you all for your support. The situation from last night, that he was upset over, seems to have improved. Tonight, he is just "tired, feeling sick-ish, having to be on call at work for the second shifters I'm covering". I get being tired after doing rehab after work x 2 months. For me, I just can't stand listening to him talk this week. It's hard for us both to have to hang out now in the evenings. We both have our meetings but I'm looking for work and that makes me more on edge. This week I had an epiphany about a betrayal by him that was 10 years ago. I found myself asking why I chose to move forward after that (well, we had only been married two months, that's why, and I loved him and forgave him & we figured out some issues he'd never addressed were part of it). These days, the lie of omission w/alcohol makes me feel like it's all too much to be around on a daily basis. Just a lot of resentments and anger. Thanks for being such a great place to help each other. Peace.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Anger and resentments is a hard thing to carry around. Through lots of counseling I was able to let mine go for the most part. Now, I pity my XAH. The difference is of course that I am not around him, we divorced. However, we have kids together so there will always be some required interaction.
Focus on YOU. When you hear him quacking, ignore it as much as possible. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Focus on YOU. When you hear him quacking, ignore it as much as possible. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
My AH can't do a breathalyzer because of physical reasons, so I purchased saliva test strips off of Amazon. I used them for a while when I felt like he was lying, but honestly, it got to where we would fight when I'd ask him to do a strip because he felt like I was acting like a nag/mother/b**** ... it wasn't worth it because I was pretty sure, anyways. If you want to buy some for his driving, though, (which I understand), they can be purchased off Amazon and they are highly reliable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Step one for you-- stop lying to yourself. You know he was drunk, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. I don't need to drug test my wife when I think she has been using. If I think she's been using she's been using. In fact, if I think anybody has been using they've been using.
I'd bet the house that he was drinking if you think he was drinking.
I'd bet the house that he was drinking if you think he was drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
I think we'll def. have a meeting to talk about what the plan is should there be a relapse. Thanks for the suggestions. I've had a counselor at his rehab tell me to back off a bit, that he was doing great, so I took their advice and had been giving him the benefit of the doubt the last two weeks. In my opinion, the moods and interactions in the evenings have to do with being done with the workday and not having the "best friend" there to medicate with. And as for the lying to myself, that can go either way--meaning I could wrongly assume sobriety or wrongly assume drunkenness and him be sober. So the key, I guess I'm answering my own question here-- detach and let the chips fall where they may. I appreciate the input and suggestions.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Yes it is as difficult for you when they are drunk and when they are "sober". You have to do your work on you and find out if this is what you want. Sometimes it's worth the effort to save the marriage and other times they just become miserable dry drunks.
Take your time and figure out what you want. The question is, can you ever trust him again, and that is the question that takes time to answer.
Hugs
Yes it is as difficult for you when they are drunk and when they are "sober". You have to do your work on you and find out if this is what you want. Sometimes it's worth the effort to save the marriage and other times they just become miserable dry drunks.
Take your time and figure out what you want. The question is, can you ever trust him again, and that is the question that takes time to answer.
Hugs
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