What to do while in the waiting
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
growingstronger…..can you fill us in more...?
How did the blocking come about....did you all talk about it...or, did you just block him....
Specifically, what was your last phone conversation about?
It is a lot easier to help you, if we have more info.....
How did the blocking come about....did you all talk about it...or, did you just block him....
Specifically, what was your last phone conversation about?
It is a lot easier to help you, if we have more info.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
What do you do?..? About what? ..Him?... nothing... get on about life and wait for him to decide he wants to be a more productive member of the family.
Try not to sit around wringing your hands worrying about him or his behavior. You have no control over that stuff. Only he and he alone can make the decisions and take the actions that will better his life experience.
You can keep yourself busy in the house, at work, in the yard, with a hobby, visiting friends, hiking, biking, walking in the park, read good books, take a class, learn a language, look up your genealogy online, the list is endless... there are thousands of things you can do with your time. Things that will keep your mind busy, and focused on something other than your son.
I know it's hard. My son is being difficult too. Different reasons, different behavior, but it still sucks. I have let him go about his life while I go about mine. When I start getting upset about the situation I remind myself that his life is his to lead... when my son is ready to be the respectful young man I know he was raised to be, I will be here ready to rebuild our relationship. Until then we just leave each other alone.
*hugs*
Try not to sit around wringing your hands worrying about him or his behavior. You have no control over that stuff. Only he and he alone can make the decisions and take the actions that will better his life experience.
You can keep yourself busy in the house, at work, in the yard, with a hobby, visiting friends, hiking, biking, walking in the park, read good books, take a class, learn a language, look up your genealogy online, the list is endless... there are thousands of things you can do with your time. Things that will keep your mind busy, and focused on something other than your son.
I know it's hard. My son is being difficult too. Different reasons, different behavior, but it still sucks. I have let him go about his life while I go about mine. When I start getting upset about the situation I remind myself that his life is his to lead... when my son is ready to be the respectful young man I know he was raised to be, I will be here ready to rebuild our relationship. Until then we just leave each other alone.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please don't spend your precious time waiting for someone else to change.
Live your life. Do things that you enjoy. Find new things to enjoy. Spend time with people who love you and show you that in the way they treat you.
Live your life. Do things that you enjoy. Find new things to enjoy. Spend time with people who love you and show you that in the way they treat you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Keep seeking help for yourselves. Check out some al-anon meetings in your area, seek out an addiction specialist who can help you get through difficult times when dealing with an A. Learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors. Always remember it’s actions not words that count the most for everyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we don't set boundaries in hopes that will teach THEM a lesson. our boundaries are not another's punishment.
someone in your life was being disrespectful to you.
as a measure of self respect, you enforced No Contact with this person.
the other person is under no obligation to respond, react or change to this new boundary. they are free to continue being however, you just don't have to deal with them.
your son may or may not change how he treats you.
meanwhile you can get busy living the same type of productive happy kind life you wish he would.
someone in your life was being disrespectful to you.
as a measure of self respect, you enforced No Contact with this person.
the other person is under no obligation to respond, react or change to this new boundary. they are free to continue being however, you just don't have to deal with them.
your son may or may not change how he treats you.
meanwhile you can get busy living the same type of productive happy kind life you wish he would.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
we don't set boundaries in hopes that will teach THEM a lesson. our boundaries are not another's punishment.
someone in your life was being disrespectful to you.
as a measure of self respect, you enforced No Contact with this person.
the other person is under no obligation to respond, react or change to this new boundary. they are free to continue being however, you just don't have to deal with them.
your son may or may not change how he treats you.
meanwhile you can get busy living the same type of productive happy kind life you wish he would.
someone in your life was being disrespectful to you.
as a measure of self respect, you enforced No Contact with this person.
the other person is under no obligation to respond, react or change to this new boundary. they are free to continue being however, you just don't have to deal with them.
your son may or may not change how he treats you.
meanwhile you can get busy living the same type of productive happy kind life you wish he would.
Of course I want it to be different. I want him in my life and for our family to be whole.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
growingstronger…..I feel very frustrated because of lack of more specific information...….
Given that...I assume that you do not have any face to face contact with him. I assume that your only contact with him is by phone. You say that you have blocked him....for how long...? a month....longer....? For the forseeable future?
My suggestion is that if you ever unblock the phone, and he should call...just talk to him in a normal human way....unless and until he says anything hostile, sarcastic or disrespectful....then, in a calm voice, say "I am going to end this conversation, now".....and promptly hang up.
What to do, in the meantime....? I suggest to do what every parents with an empty nest do with their lives....what every other husband and wife do to bring enjoyment, meaning and pleasure to their lives.
Once the fledgling has left the nest...which it sounds like yours has, successfully done....then the parent/child relationship shifts to another plane. the responsibilities of parental nurturing and caring for the dependent child are relieved and no longer necessary...and, the relationship becomes more like adult to adult. Yes, adults with deep ties and love for each other....but, the parent becomes more like the trusted consultant or mentor. Of course, respect should be practiced...and expected by all.....if not...then, of course, boundaries should be placed.
As I understand it...he is 24 and is in a relationship with a person, now. I can tell you, with some confidence, that , at that age...their mental space is not taken up with the parent, very much...and it focused most all of the time, on the "mate"....and their own day to day and hour to hour interests. Independence from the parental nest pretty much defines these years.
Looking back, I feel so guilty that I didn't call my parents enough, or write my extended family enough, or visit any of my family enough....I was so focused on working full time at my career, attending to my home and early marriage and giving birth and caring for three children...…
I think that is the way it goes for pretty much all young adults as they are making their way in the world.....nd, the parent figures just have to adjust to that new reality.....
I believe that I see that you and your husband, both have therapists....of some kind....I have zero idea what the dynamics of your
family have been...but, the therapists should be able to guide you two in how to relate to each other and your son.....and/or how to go forward as a couple or to grow, individually.....
Given that...I assume that you do not have any face to face contact with him. I assume that your only contact with him is by phone. You say that you have blocked him....for how long...? a month....longer....? For the forseeable future?
My suggestion is that if you ever unblock the phone, and he should call...just talk to him in a normal human way....unless and until he says anything hostile, sarcastic or disrespectful....then, in a calm voice, say "I am going to end this conversation, now".....and promptly hang up.
What to do, in the meantime....? I suggest to do what every parents with an empty nest do with their lives....what every other husband and wife do to bring enjoyment, meaning and pleasure to their lives.
Once the fledgling has left the nest...which it sounds like yours has, successfully done....then the parent/child relationship shifts to another plane. the responsibilities of parental nurturing and caring for the dependent child are relieved and no longer necessary...and, the relationship becomes more like adult to adult. Yes, adults with deep ties and love for each other....but, the parent becomes more like the trusted consultant or mentor. Of course, respect should be practiced...and expected by all.....if not...then, of course, boundaries should be placed.
As I understand it...he is 24 and is in a relationship with a person, now. I can tell you, with some confidence, that , at that age...their mental space is not taken up with the parent, very much...and it focused most all of the time, on the "mate"....and their own day to day and hour to hour interests. Independence from the parental nest pretty much defines these years.
Looking back, I feel so guilty that I didn't call my parents enough, or write my extended family enough, or visit any of my family enough....I was so focused on working full time at my career, attending to my home and early marriage and giving birth and caring for three children...…
I think that is the way it goes for pretty much all young adults as they are making their way in the world.....nd, the parent figures just have to adjust to that new reality.....
I believe that I see that you and your husband, both have therapists....of some kind....I have zero idea what the dynamics of your
family have been...but, the therapists should be able to guide you two in how to relate to each other and your son.....and/or how to go forward as a couple or to grow, individually.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He says that he wants to work things out but first he must work on himself.
then LET him. give it a year. the pieces of your family may come back together in ways you can't see right now. imagine he's chosen to have a technology black out - or hiking the oregon trail - trekking in nepal. HE is on a journey of some sort.......
and so are you.
then LET him. give it a year. the pieces of your family may come back together in ways you can't see right now. imagine he's chosen to have a technology black out - or hiking the oregon trail - trekking in nepal. HE is on a journey of some sort.......
and so are you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One of the hardest things in life is letting go of a family member with active addiction. But I learned in Alanon to let go or be dragged. I'm powerless over other people but do have power in what I do with my own life. A big hug.
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